LS2

So ABF made a counseling appt and it happens that it's the SAME one I see and he saw her today...

I think this was a horrible thing, everyone in alanon said that if it was them they wouldn't feel comfortable with having the same counselor...well I told ABF that and he said well that is why you can't listen to people's opinions at alanon there dumb.

He called me later that day after his session and said that he isn't the crazy one....I am the one making him look crazy and feel crazy. He told her that he doesn't like AA so he wants to do just the counseling..

He is working on our relationship I am not since I am not communicating. well maybe I am not because I can't stand him, he's a dry drunk but how does this justify that this is the reason he can text me 100 times a day. because he feels he cannot communicate at home so she told him it is okay that he can text to me.

I just feel like it makes ME look like the bad person. well I don't feel like she makes him look like a bad person but it kind of makes me think about things.

I don't think I can see this lady again. I am just in tears. He just is bashing me that I need to put my effort in the relationship or he is leaving if I am not going to try.

I keep telling ABF that I am working on myself then we can work together, well she told him that can't work that way or that is the way he took it. Yeah we do need to communicate better but ugh I dunno!

I just feel so angry that I can't even think or type. I don't know why I feel like this.

fighter1010

I'm not even lying, i just had the same conversation with my AH. he bashed Al Anon, and told me that i'm not trying to change, only he has. i said i want to fix myself first, he said it doesn't work like that. mine has taken a turn for the worst, and it's ending in divorce. don't let him guilt you. remember all the things he has done that got you to this place. Hang in there.

suki44883

Does the counselor realize that he is your boyfriend? I cannot imagine a reputable therapist seeing both of you unless it was together as a couple. In any case, if he is determined to continue seeing this particular therapist, I would most definitely stop seeing her and find one of my own.

You don't have to communicate with him if you don't want to. He doesn't make the rules. You are free to do whatever you want and there's not really anything he can do about it.

wicked

I have to admit, I am dumbfounded.
How could your ABF get an appointment with your counselor?
I think there are some major ethics rules being broken here.
And that is assuming that your ABF is telling the truth.

Have you spoken to your counselor personally about this matter?
I cannot believe she would say it is okay to text (harass) you when you have not been communicating.
Methinks your ABF is making this up as he goes along.
No contact Lindsey.
No contact.
No contact.

Beth

Thumper

An ethical counselor will not see both of you. She either doesn't know he is your abf or she isn't someone you'd want as a counselor anyway. I'd find out which it is. If she really doesn't know she'll probably drop him as a client since she was seeing you first. Does she have experience with addictions?

With what was said in the session - don't spend time thinking about it. It is possible your abf is making it up and it is also possible that he is just hearing things the way he wants to hear them. You can't rely on it either way. Just keep doing what is right for you.

If you really want to work on yourself first (which is smart) maybe you can take a break from him for awhile so he isn't causing so much chaos.

JenT1968

you weren't there so you have exactly zero idea what she said to him, and what he said to her to prompt any reaction. Often time we hear what suits us.

what someone says, what another hears, and then reports to a third party are three entirely different things. and he's hardly an impartial source. I'd ask her.

it happens that ??? hmmm.....

missphit

someone once told me...how can you tell when an alcoholic is lieing? answer: their lips are moving....no offense to any alcoholics that read this, but i always thought that was so harsh and now i see it is the truth. an alcoholic not in recovery, generally cannot be trusted with anything they tell you. an ethical therapist would NEVER see him as a client, so that has dishonesty written all over it and a reputible therapist would never bash the other partner like that outwardly on a first appointment. if that is true at all, that therapist isn't worth thinking twice about....that is not professional in any way!! sorry you are going through this, be strong to know that you have choices and can do whatever you need to in order to be okay, no matter what your ABF says to you!!

theuncertainty

Hey, Lindsey. I agree with the others who have already posted. He is either lying about actually seeing the counselor, he didn't tell her that he is your ABF (or lied about it) or she is not a counselor worth staying with.

It really does not sound like he is ready to take any responsbility for his own behavior or working on his recovery. I would definitely ask my counselor and not take the alcoholic's word for anything. Try not to worry about may have been said in the session, odds are he lied at some point - or on all points.

Goodness, it would only make sense to feel like you were kicked in the gut after being told that some one you trust with your mental well-being and healing is also helping the one that hurt you in the first place. That would be a major betrayal of trust.

Take care of yourself. Hugs.

dollydo

Oh please, he is trying to manipulate you. Move forward, if in fact that is what the counselor said, I'd deep six her and get a new one.

LS2

She knew! I had a session with her on Monday of this week and I told her that she was seeing him sometime this week. She kept asking if we were going to do couples. I think she needs to go! well we live in a small town and there is not too many options for therapists and odd enough he ended up with the same one...I don't even think he knew the name of mine.

whew deep breath...

Oh this rollercoaster..I am so glad for alanon this site keeps me in check..with reality.

Babyblue

If she is a counselor, doesn't necessarily mean she is a therapist or even has an MFT. There are bad counselors and therapists out there. Find one that you trust.

acdirito

LS2, you wrote "She knew! I had a session with her on Monday of this week and I told her that she was seeing him sometime this week. She kept asking if we were going to do couples. I think she needs to go! well we live in a small town and there is not too many options for therapists and odd enough he ended up with the same one...I don't even think he knew the name of mine." Well, that answered some questions I had. One was if your ABF was trying to control your counseling by making an appointment with your therapist without her knowledge. I was a licensed therapist and am presently in therapy. I trust my therapist and have known him off and on for over twenty years. I, like you, want individual therapy and to only concentrate on myself, at least for the moment. My therapist, who holds a doctorate degree, agrees with my decision that I need to keep this counseling just for myself. After 40 years of marriage I know my alcoholic husband has a lot of baggage of his own to work through. My therapist frankly told me he would not take my husband as a client. Red flags are all over your therapist. For one thing, she is obligated under law not to discuss anything about you or your sessions to anyone without your permission in writing. Did she understand you wanted only individual therapy? If she did, she needed to refer your ABF's case over to another therapist or refuse to take him as a client. There definitely is ethical violations in your therapist handling both you and your ABF as clients, without your permission.

I hope this helps you!

Daybreak

Wow. Brings back memories. My ex and I -- still married at the time -- were seeing a female counselor. She was beastly to me and totally endorsed him. Later, we separated and he and she started an affair. Wouldn't recommend tolerating this situation for yourself.

naive

it's simple. you change counselors.

i wouldn't believe what he said she said.

you take care of you. if you need time and space, take it. if he can't handle that, well, then let him leave.

Learn2Live

It is, without question, unethical for your counselor to see both of you. It is also unethical for the same counselor to see either person in couple's counseling separately. She should not even have suggested it. The fact that she knowingly accepted him as a patient/client would be enough for me to find a new counselor too. Your gut instincts are right here Lindsey. Don't question yourself; trust yourself.

I do. Because you are dealing with a SICK person and any dealing with him, especially talking to him and listening to his mouth run, is going to make you sick. He is playing mind games with you IMO, the same kind I have suffered. Lindsey, it is not worth it hunny. Have you thought about taking the next step, maybe going No Contact?

(((Hugs)))

seekingcalm

Why would you take what he says at face value?

I also have never heard of a therapist who would see two people in a relationship separately unless it was for couples therapy. I would look for a new therapist, and don't tell him who it is or he may end up there too.

Take care of you

least

I was curious about this and asked my counselor if she would do as yours did... ABSOLUTELY NOT!! It would be unethical of her and a clear violation of my trust in her. Yours knew who he was and took him anyway?? Yuck! As they say... ditch the b!tch! And go no contact with him for sure.

brokenheartfool

Can the therapist lose her license for this? Because even if she tries to keep her promise to keep confidentiality, there is the human element of slipping and remarking on something that was said by one partner in the other partner's session.
Just seems human to me that she would slip at times, not remembering which partner told her what, not even intentionally, although that could happen also.
I think there are reasons for ethics rules...this being one of them.

acdirito

Brokenheartfool wrote "Can the therapist lose her license for this? Because even if she tries to keep her promise to keep confidentiality, there is the human element of slipping and remarking on something that was said by one partner in the other partner's session.
Just seems human to me that she would slip at times, not remembering which partner told her what, not even intentionally, although that could happen also. I think there are reasons for ethics rules...this being one of them."

Well, I wasn't going to say anything about this. However, since Brokenheartfool asked the question; yes, this is something the therapist could loose her license over. LS2 would need to write a letter to the therapist's state licensing agency addressing the unethical circumstances the therapist conducted. This is even something that LS2 could do a lawsuit against. However, damages would have to be proved. This might be hard to prove, since the problem was able to be snipped in the bud. However, it seems like Daybreak has a better chance of a successful lawsuit. "Wow. Brings back memories. My ex and I --still married at the time -- were seeing a female counselor. She was beastly to me and totally endorsed him. Later, we separated and he and she started an affair. Wouldn't recommend tolerating this situation for yourself."

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

keepinon

In a small town it might be worth the drive to find someone in the next town over. maybe an addictions specialty too. Therapist sounds whack. Let the d-bag have her and you move on!