summer017

Hello-

So anyone that knows me- knows that the addict in my life is my ex boyfriend. He became my ex about 3 months ago and we have had no contact since then. He had about 5 months sobriety at an inpatient treatment center when we broke up.

I have had no idea how he has been in the last 3 months, but have let myself believe that he has stayed at inpatient treatment. Partially for my own sanity, along with the fact that he had expressed his desire to stay.

Well, today I learned that he is home. I have no idea how long he has been home, if he is only home for a weekend visit from treatment, or if he is home for good.

It is driving me absolutely crazy and I just don't know what to think or to do. I was doing so well, I was feeling so good.

I am hurt. Hurt that he hasn't contacted me in these last 3 months since our breakup. Hurt that he doesn't care to know anything that may be going on in my life or want to update me on his. There is no way for me to directly contact him, but he has numbers for me that he knows like the back of his hand, and yet... nothing. It's been 3 months - GREAT things have happened in these 3 months. I have learned to much, I have found myself again... then out of no where, I can feel like I am back at the beginning.

I feel like a fraud as I have been here supporting others to find their strength and to keep moving forward, and right now all I want to do is cry.

I was happy with the fact that I knew he was at treatment, and without anything to conflict that, letting myself believe that for as long as I needed to.

But now.. I am so lost, again.




Please bring me back, it's much better on the other side.

xoxo

ZombieWife

You're a human being, just like the rest of us. I think we've all been there. Maybe you want to know that a big part of why he's recovering is because he knew (deep down) how much he hurt you, that if he hadn't messed up, you'd still be there. But, consider that he's getting better because of his own happiness, because of his own desire for health and prosperity. Maybe he's "getting it." And he's doing just fine.

If he's human too (and I have a feeling he is) he's thinking about everything, considering the past, contemplating the future. Maybe there's guilt involved in contacting you again. Maybe he wants to let you go and let you be happy.

Take it as a gift and if you do still love him, send him that love. Close your eyes, imagine him surrounded by light and just send it. Pray for his recovery then let it go and focus on your own again.

Love and light
:ghug3

keepinon

Be easy on yourself..we all relapse. I just got off the phone w/my AD..we have VERY limited contact right now because it is really best for both our recoveries. When I was reading this I was thinking..maybe he is not contacting you becuse it is what is best for HIM and his recovery. Maybe it is best for YOU and your recovery. Quite possibly you both have love for each other but becoming mature and doing what is best to save onesself is the most important thing. Instead of a rejection, you could look at it as growth on his part.And I have read your posts..you my dear are not a fraud..do some readings, go to a meeting, call a program friend . You will get out of this relapse.:ghug3

sailorjohn

Well, technically not a relapse, more like you went to the bar and white-knuckled it the whole time you were there BUT you never took a drink.

It sounds simply that you might be stuck in the grief process.

Never linear and it happens in it's own good time.

Just remember the no contact 'rule'.

itisatruth

You can cry and still keep moving forward, like keepinon said, go easy on yourself. I would be more concerned if you didn't have these kinds of feelings - even though they hurt - they show you still have the capacity to care and love and he didn't take that away from you. Keep yourself as your priority, continue to love yourself and remember his 'stuff', what he does and doesn't do, think, feel, is all about him - it is not a reflection at all on you. In other words, he didn't contact you....he may not have the capacity to think much about others, their feelings, or the repercussions of what he's done, he may be selfish, he may be concentrating on himself, he may be busy.....etc. But, you, on the other hand are moving forward - and the results will keep on coming. Hugs~

Babyblue

I'm sort of confused, you do or don't want him to contact you?

There seems to be lots of unknowns so why work yourself up? (trust me, I do the same thing when I don't know something). Could be he is just home for a weekend, maybe needs some space to readapt to life.

And if you called him your ex bf then why would he contact you at this point? Just wondering. Breaking up with someone implies that you are done. If someone broke up with me, I wouldn't contact them. I'd respect their wishes.

I always think that my actions often answer my own questions. It isn't about him but about me and what I did or didn't do. What I will or won't accept. I think we have so much more control of the situations we are in than we realize, even with addicts in our lives.

Kindeyes

Be gentle with yourself. I certainly have been where you are (but in a little different way since the A in my life is my son).

I have good days when I feel very grounded. And bad days when I feel like I've slipped all the way back to square one in my codependency. But I forgive myself for my slippage and get right back on track. It's basically the same process that an A needs to go through if they slip. It doesn't mean it's ok to just keep using (or in our case, obsessing). It just means that tomorrow is a new day and you get to start over.

Your XBF has a lot on his plate if he is in recovery. And who knows.....you may be a trigger for him (I think I may be a trigger for my son for some reason). Right now, he needs to do what he needs to do to be stable in his recovery......and you do too!

gentle hugs

orchid

i think what you're feeling is completely understandable and typical. it's think it's probably much easier to feel empowered and in control when you know that he is in rehab and in the process of recovery. i can imagine how hurt you must feel. after everything that you've been through with him.... he couldn't just give you a call to let you know that he's home? but summer, you have to BE REALISTIC with yourself-- don't give in to the hurt-- focus on yourself and you're own recovery. you are that same strong woman. you know exactly what it takes, and this too will pass. maybe try to occupy your mind with music.. books.. go for a walk? anything to not be sitting alone and wondering what he might be doing or how he feels about you.

just so you know, your posts have helped me so much in the last few weeks.. let me know if there's any way i can help you.

somethingsimple

You're not even close to a fraud! You're so strong and helpful to others. It's your caring nature that makes you want to stay updated on his progress. Guilt will keep a lot of people from contacting the loved ones they've hurt. It's been that way in my situation and it hurts but you never know what he's thinking. Maybe he doesn't want to contact you until X months clean or until he has a great job or other good news to tell you. Hopefully he's just looking at the big picture like other people have suggested, and working as hard on his recovery as you have been on your own.

summer017

i would love more than anything to hear from him. although he is my ex i still consider him one of my best friends. our breakup was mutual, because of distance. i got the chance to live abroad for a year. i wanted him to come, get away from everything at home, a chance to start over. he couldn't leave with his addictions controlling his life, but soon after we discussed my upcoming move, he went in to the inpatient treatment. we stayed together and 2 weeks after i landed at my new home, we broke up. i knew it would happen, but it didn't change the fact that it hurt (still hurts) like hell.

summer017

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond.

It's so hard sometimes for me to get my thoughts down, when I start to write I contradict myself in every possible way. I love him and can't stand him at the same time. I love him for the man I could see inside, and witness glimpses of from time to time. I can't stand him for what he did to the possibility of our happiness, what he kept doing to himself and for how well his manipulations worked.

I am grateful for the fact that when I was given the opportunity to move abroad for a year, the real me hidden inside, agreed with no hesitation. We had both talked about what was going to happen, we both knew we weren't going to keep a relationship 8,000 miles away. Subconsciously, I knew it was the only chance I had left to make a change and stop the downward spiral I was living in with him.

I love my new home. I love my new job. I have never had so much fun in my entire life. But I am still plagued because I know that if I was home, we would still be together. If I was home, I never would have had the strength to put an end to it myself. I feel like I was a coward and that I ran away.

I guess, unfortunately, I still had the small fantasy that we would end up back together. I told myself that he was getting healthy and I was too- and that our paths would no doubt bring us back together and then finally... things would be okay.

But as time passes I have come to realize more and more, that that is impossible. There is too much shame, pain and guilt associated with our relationship to ever be able to move on.

I have never really faced the fact that although I want desperately to hear his voice and what has been going on, that it would be a step backward for the both of us.

I have never really faced the fact that although I love him, that we will never be able to rectify a relationship from the wreckage that has become of us.

For the three months that I have been here, I've still been checking my voicemail and hoping that every time my phone rings it would be him. I've never really thought about the possible negative result of contact with him.

The fact that he may be home, terrifies me. It does physically hurt to know that he might be home and relapse. I know that if he is going to relapse it has nothing to do with whether or not I am in the picture, but it does not change the fact that it is hard (for a codependent) to accept. This is the first time I have had to think about a relapse, because as far as I have known he has been safe in the bubble of treatment. But he cannot stay in treatment forever, at some point he needs to live life himself.. I know, I know.

I have never been in this situation before in my life, where it actually HURT so bad to leave someone up to their own devices. Hello Codependency.


thank you
xoxo