Need some help with something

Old 10-10-2010, 12:03 PM
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Need some help with something

In a nutshell I have filed for a legal separation from my AH which he has not been served yet, but will be soon. Meanwhile, we are still living in the same house together, and I expect that will be the case until something happens with the courts, mediation or whatnot. He continues to use, and deny, and bad behavior and all. I never have been able to hold down my boundaries, hence why I have just filed and will see where things end up. I know what my boundaries should be, but haven't been able to pull them off. Essentially I have just become very hateful and cold hearted. That is my detachment and it's not working for me!

I have gotten a lot stronger...with attending meetings, Bible study and also reading a lot here. I know I need to do more. But I realize that somehow I need to let go and gain some footing with peace while living with an addict.

How do I get rid of this cold heart and hatefulness? It serves no good purpose. How do I not engage with him when I'm angry?

I know that he is not going to change - he is dug deep in denial and living however the heck he wants to at the moment. I am carrying the weight of dealing with bills, childcare, homework, etc. He pops in and out when he feels like it. This is my life! I have to accept it until things move with the legal separation.

Also, how does one start instituting boundaries when they have failed miserably at it? If anyone can share examples of how you did this, I'd be grateful as well.

I know I have to dig deep and start changing ME...I don't want to live in bitterness no matter what my circumstances are. I know I can't help or fix my AH, but I believe by acting out my bitterness, resentment, unlovingness has created an even bigger storm. Maybe it just is what it is and I need to hold on and wait...

Thanks for ANY help that anyone can give!!! I'm pretty desperate!
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Old 10-10-2010, 01:53 PM
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I can only speak from my own personal experience. I know that for me, the feelings came back over time. It was a slow process. I went through a very very negative phase where I rained on everyones' parade (had to bring them down to my level--misery loves company), where I was sarcastic and rude toward anyone who possessed the slightest bit of happiness (I thought it was all overrated or that they were naive and unable to see the ugly truths of their lives).

I have to say that I was never more unhappy and disgusted with myself as a person during that time.

I think it's easier, sometimes, to hold on to the bitterness, to the anger, to the hurt. In the past, I think I was giving the people in my life "tough love" and "telling it like it was." Looking back, I see that I was just trying to drown out the light in their lives because I THOUGHT it made me feel better about myself.

How I got away from that, I think, happened in small steps with small experiences.

A stranger on the bus offering me his seat when I was 8 months pregnant.
A long-lost friend reappearing and brightening my email in-box.
A stupid animal video that made me chuckle (then later) laugh out loud.

It was gradual, to be certain, and I remember waking up one day and saying to myself, "you know what? It's going to be okay." And I felt it. And that helped push the momentum upwards.

I also started volunteering my time to a few causes that made me feel GOOD about myself. I taught writing to inmates and at-risk juveniles. I became a foster-caretaker for the humane society. There are few people in this world who can spend a few hours a day with a new batch of kittens and think, "wow, the world sucks." I gave for others and that started to help me feel human again.

I gave to my daughter.

I gave to my mother.

I wrote random emails to old friends just telling them I was thinking about them.

I sent random cards.

You will feel again. You will feel joy again. You will someday grow tired of the resentment and the fear and the bitterness.

Love and light
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Old 10-10-2010, 07:21 PM
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Originally Posted by angelstory View Post

I know what my boundaries should be, but haven't been able to pull them off. Essentially I have just become very hateful and cold hearted. That is my detachment and it's not working for me!
Being hateful and cold hearted sounds more like anger than anything to do with a boundary. Anger is the emotional reaction to someone who is not doing as you want/expect them to do. Expecting someone to do something is not a boundary. Trying to control the outcome is not a boundary.

Is it acceptable to have an active addict in your children's life?
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:07 PM
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My boundary question is outside of the anger one. I was hoping others would share how they came about how they overcame the boundary issue. As far as the anger, bitterness, resentment issue I keep getting into verbal arguments, and want to interfere, question, condemn, that sort of thing when I know its useless...and I'm moving on, so what's the point. I need to find some ways to stop this behavior from myself.

Of course its not ok to have an active addict around...unfortunately, I'm in a spot where I pay the mortgage and can't afford to get a place of my own otherwise I would have done that already. AH refuses to leave, so unless I have a reason to file a restraining order I'm screwed. My lawyer is going to ask for an expedited order to get him out of the house once everthing gets going with the legal separation. I AM moving forward in trying to remove myself and my kids from this ridiculous situation. So no, I don't think its okay in the least.
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:47 PM
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Originally Posted by angelstory View Post
My boundary question is outside of the anger one. I was hoping others would share how they came about how they overcame the boundary issue. As far as the anger, bitterness, resentment issue I keep getting into verbal arguments, and want to interfere, question, condemn, that sort of thing when I know its useless...and I'm moving on, so what's the point. I need to find some ways to stop this behavior from myself.
I've definitely been there myself. For me, it felt like I was "someone else" when I would succumb to those feelings and act on them.

At the last naranon meeting I went to, we were asked to complete this sentence:

If I could _______ everything would be okay.

You could fill that in with anything: "make him stop using," "know the truth," etc. The truth of the matter is that you can only really control what YOU do and HOW you react. The more you try to control someone else, either through action or manipulation, you'll only become more frustrated, more bitter, more resentful.

I hope you can find a way out of your situation soon. It may mean downsizing your life, moving to a smaller location/home, staying with family/friends until you can afford to be on your own.
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Old 10-11-2010, 05:54 AM
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Don't be so hard on yourself. It is hard to establish boundaries when you are still iving with an addict. You are doing the many of the right things- getting support and seeking legal avenues to make him leave.

Can you set up zones in your house where you can agree to each have your own space? Sometimes it is easier to start with a physical boundary.
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Old 10-11-2010, 07:20 AM
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Originally Posted by angelstory View Post
My boundary question is outside of the anger one. I was hoping others would share how they came about how they overcame the boundary issue. As far as the anger, bitterness, resentment issue I keep getting into verbal arguments, and want to interfere, question, condemn, that sort of thing when I know its useless...and I'm moving on, so what's the point. I need to find some ways to stop this behavior from myself.
You have two very separate and very legitimate issues you are inquiring about....anger/resentment issues and boundary issues.

Personally, I have found boundaries very difficult as well (my son is the A in my life) for two reasons:

1. When I try to set boundaries, he has an uncanny ability to employ diversionary tactics.
2. When I do set boundaries, he still has a knack for stomping all over them.
3. Trying to reason with an addict is like banging your head against a wall.

Because of these things, I have to resort to drawing a line in the sand so to speak. If it's on the phone, I have to hang up. If it's in the car, I have to stop the car and ask him to get out. If it's in my home, I have to ask him to leave. If it's somewhere else, I have to remove myself. And I have to take one of these actions calmly and without anger present......not easy.

With regard to anger, your world has been turned inside-out. I think it's ok to say "I'm angry" and acknowledge it. But then it's time to get it out because it is toxic to you. They say that feeling anger and resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It does more damage to me than it does to anyone who is triggering those emotions. I have been using exercise as the means of getting those toxic emotions out of my system. I go out on my eliptical and cry, scream, sob, dance, sing, laugh....I know I look like an idiot doing it but I don't care. It gets it out of me and then I can move about my day in a better frame of mind...without the anger and resentment clouding my judgement.

I currently have a personal goal to remove resentment from my life. I have no room for it. It feels icky to me and it's self imposed. Sometimes we expect someone to do something and when they don't, we resent it. So I've stopped expecting people to do what I think they should do. The resentment stops. I try to identify resentment when it happens and nip it in the bud. I am getting better at realizing when I feel resentment and dealing with it differently than I have in the past. For whatever reason, I think women are somewhat notorious for holding resentment.....and it makes us feel crappy so why do we do that?

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with addiction in your life. It is so very difficult. You are taking steps to get YOUR life on track and that's what is most important. It isn't always an instant result. Sometimes it takes time and planning and you're doing that. Be gentle with yourself.

gentle hugs to you
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Old 10-11-2010, 05:32 PM
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Truth is, he is not home much and when he is, he is outside. I find myself so peaceful when he is not here, when he returns it is like a switch goes off and I'm a totally different person. And truthfully I don't like it at all.

Kindeyes, I actually have a goal to remove the resentment in my life too. I know it serves no good purpose. But I have to say, right now, it's really hard for me to let it go. Maybe it is a process that I have to go through - maybe I have to feel this yucky feeling for a while before it will go away. I can't see not feeling resentful towards a person who WILLINGLY chose to have children, who WILLINGLY signed a mortgage, and WILLINGLY committed to everything that we have. I feel so dumped on and he sees none of it...he doesn't get any of it. It is crazy! Drug addiction sucks so bad...the person has no clue of who they have become. Or do they?

And oh, I still have sadness. I pulled out of my driveway this morning crying tears of sadness. Too many emotions for one person at the same time. That is all I can say!

Thanks everyone.
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