froglegs

I wanted to come here and try to get some feedback...

If I hear this phrase "Don't rush into another relationship" one more time I am going to pull my hair out....I'm going to say this first.

Throughout my entire marriage I heard "You can do so much better", "You are way to good for him", "You need to be with someone who respects you" "You need to be with someone who compliments your life, not complicates it" so why is it when I think I might have found that person..everyone has a problem with it?

I have been divorced almost 2 months...I did not expect to meet anybody right out of the gate, but it happened. I met a wonderful man who thinks the world of me, he is mature, responsible, treats me with respect and care. he is everything I could ask for in a person. Now I realize that my divorce is new..BUT, for those who have been in an codie marriage way longer than we should have been, we were pretty much emotionally detached a long time ago. At least I was. I was in a marriage where I did everything alone, I felt alone, I did not have a partner, I did not feel love...I have always longed for that "connection" with someone...and I think I found it. I don't see this as jumping into something...I see this as finding someone who I think is worth getting to know better...I have always thought that people who "jump into another relationship" were looking to replace what they had..I am certainly not looking to do that.

I appreciate the well meaning intentions of my family who tell me not to rush into anything..I understand the "12 month timeframe" everyone would like you to follow...my question is, what if you think you have found a keeper...do you throw him back because the relationship doesn't meet the ideal "divorce time frame" for the people around you? How do you address the people in your life who are discouraging...what do you say?

I don't wanna sabatoge this because I am trying to people please. He has met my family and friends, they all adore him and agree that he is a great catch...it's just the backhanded "Im not ready comments" I can't stand anymore...I have kept conversations about my new relationship to a minimum, and mainly now I am only sharing things with people who are supportive and non judgemental. I am not an idiot..but people sure make me feel like one sometimes!

What do you think? has anyone gone through this? Thanks!

Lizzaayy

i say take it slow and enjoy what you have found, but don't try to rush anything by putting on a 'title' to the relationship. (boyfriend, fiance', husband, etc.)
you have all the time in the world to get to know this new guy. go out on dates, have lots of great coversations, get to know him, really know him.
we all know that takes a while.
but it's worth it.
you deserve the company of someone that adds to your own happiness. just make sure you know that someone as much as possible before you try to get serious.

ExCordis

Hello froglegs,

Everyone deals with things their own way,you don't have to do the 'suggestive' time frame.Also it's not like you're planning to marry this person right off the bat,you;re just getting to know him,and if he's already a better catch than your ex,then why not pursue it?You can still move slow with this person and get to know him your own way.I just got of a relationship with my exabf of a year in august/september,and now 3 weeks ago I started dating someone new.He's the best thing that's ever happened to me,and people have also told me to 'move slow' but,no one can really tell you what to do or how you feel.It's a matter of personal choice.You can take their advice,but in the end it's up to you and how you feel.Anyways,I hope this helps somewhat.

sailorjohn

Well, I was in Iraq, met this nice lady, she hit most of the right notes.

Nothing came of it, I was still "in a relationship" at that time, though I had distanced myself a great deal emotionally.

Turns out that this nice lady, who picked me, btw, as did the last, has one thing in common with all of the others.

So, I was being very codie with her, waiting on her hand and foot, you get the idea.

And I felt that tremendous attraction the whole time.

Just me, mind you, but I realize now that it's going to take a fair amount of time/work before I'm ready to be attracted to a healthy person. And likewise for the 'other'.

I don't know you, so I don't know if you're ready or not, but sometimes those that are close to us can see things that we can't or won't see.

Nothing wrong with taking it slow.

Lizzaayy

i agree ^

what have you been doing for yourself lately, frogslegs? how has life been treating you?
being out of that awful relationship with X must feel awesome.

HoopNinja

froglegs my divorce became final about a week ago. . . but I agree, the marriage was over a long time before that. It took a year for the divorce to be final and I would say the last 3 years of the marriage-I was not engaged.

People have asked me if I have considered going out with anyone else and all I have said is I'm not looking. I think that part of me who thought I could have a normal relationship sort of died in a way. I think this because eventhough I was not really emotionally attached-I never looked at a guy during that time and went-hmmm, nice eyes or wow, he's a really nice guy.

Now comes the however In the last couple of weeks it's like my eyes have started working again because I am noticing things about guys I meet. I know I am not ready yet. But I'm not dead anymore

If you enjoy this person's company I don't see the problem. I would agree with others. No need to turn it into something serious until it gets to that stage. I guess I say this because I feel very cautious--sort of fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I am still working on myself--so I'm not sure what I'm looking for in a relationship. You are the only one who knows--but just be honest with yourself.

I think when I read your post my worry was-oh, I don't want her to get hurt. That may also be where your family and friends are coming from--they may not be putting it to you that way.

But heck. Have some fun with someone you enjoy.

LaTeeDa

My experience. I started dating someone before my divorce was final. I had, however, been separated for nearly two years at that point. (21 months, to be exact) I agree with what you are saying regarding being emotionally detached long before the marriage ended. That was certainly true in my case.

Here's the important thing, though. I was very resistant to looking at my own issues for a long time. In my marriage, I figured he was the problem. When I separated, I thought my problems were solved. After all, he was gone, and he was the problem, right? Wrong! I have since learned that it doesn't matter if I am seeing someone who is completely different from my XAH, I can still repeat the same unhealthy relationship patterns if I don't pay attention.

In other words, it's not about finding someone who is different, or better, or healthier, or whatever. It's about changing the way I conduct my life, and especially romantic relationships.

Having said that, I'm still seeing the same guy more than three years later. We see each other about once a week. We sometimes go on trips together. We do not live together, or have any burning urgency to do so. It's very pleasant and comfy and easy. And, I'm getting much better about living my own life and sharing it with someone, as opposed making my life all about someone else and my relationship with them.

All this is to say, it's not about finding someone, it's more about finding yourself.

L

nodaybut2day

Hehe, at least you were divorced by the time you started dating again. I started seeing my current boyfriend 5 months after separating. I used to feel guilty about it, but frankly, I also felt the way you did my marriage: it was over long before I left.

I was as cautious as others mentioned being, but I was also very glad to have a nice, positive relationship in my life. I would have been fine and dandy without it...but it added a little fun spark. Seeing as this person is also an old friend, it was nice to reconnect after years of no contact.

I was open and even blunt about where I was and what I had to offer. It was taken up cautiously, and we cautiously proceeded from there...saw each other once a week, limited contact with my DD till after the divorce was pronounced, making darn sure we didn't eliminate our individual activities and communicated openly about everything. It's been 6 months and it's going nicely. Still only see each other on week-ends, still make darn sure I go to tango, workout, read books and have lunch with some girlfriends, while he plays/practices/records/composes his music, sees his family and friends and has alone time.

I'm with everyone. You haven't exchanged rings or anything. Take it easy and enjoy!

froglegs

Thats exactly where I am at NoDay...We see each other every other weekend right now..maybe once during the week. We both have crazy busy work schedules, and we both have hobbies we like to do seperate and together. I still do my zumba, lunch with my friends even on the weekends I could spend with him but don't have my kids...still enjoy Girls Nights...I am going to Miami with my girlfriends at the end of the month...something I would have never done when I was with AH, out of guilt and fear. I am with someone who allows me to be me...doesn't want to monopolize my time and encourages my space and growth. I have been honest about who I am, and when he sees me attempting to repeat a pattern he will call me on it.

It just feels really good to have my cake and eat it too I guess!

Thanks everyone for your replies....

Lizzaayy

good for you, legs!
enjoy that trip. miami is beautiful.

Live

good for you..and when others want to mind your business, I would suggest repeating with a smile, I am enjoying myself and my life. It's wonderful. or some such..hopefully they will take the hint

LaTeeDa

I must admit I felt a bit of a cringe when reading this.

The man I am dating will sometimes question me if something I say or do doesn't make sense to him. More for clarification than "calling me on it." When this happens, it's up to me to look at my behavior and decide whether I am attempting to repeat a pattern or not. And many times I find myself questioning my own behavior without anybody pointing anything out to me.

I guess the cringe came from the idea that it's not his place to point these things out to you, any more than it's your place to point out unhealthy behaviors you might see in him.

I also agree that's it's perfectly fine to politely tell people to mind their own business--and that includes me.

L

Learn2Live

I don't know about anyone else but I decided a long time ago to LIVE my life. Less talking and more doing. Yes, I have jumped into relationships "too soon" time and time again. But I have also done a poop-load of work on my SELF while IN those relationships and as a result of those relationships. I want to experience life and so I do, and each and every one of those experiences teaches me something about myself and the world I live in. There is no better way to live than to practice what I learn.

And about this:
I say "Mind your own business." Anytime anyone TELLS you what to do, or what you SHOULD do, they are not minding their own business. But by the same token, anytime YOU tell someone what to do, or what they should do, YOU are not minding your own business. It's a two-way street.

DMC

I think each must decide his or her own time...
I'm in the midst of divorce (taking foreeeevvvveeerrrr) - we go to mediation in about 2 weeks, and I think we can hammer out something. We've been separated over a year and have both done a decent amount of healing.

I've been sort of casually emailing back and forth with someone... I'd met before through work, but a friend is trying to set us up. I figure if I have a date by Christmas, I'm doing pretty well. No hurry. No pressure. Taking my time, and REALLY loving being ALL BY MYSELF.

(and my dogs, of course.) (And the cats.) (But no other people)
Just my 2c
D

Kmber2010

I definitely think that the decision is on you. I think friends/family do look out for our best interests but at the end of the day the decision lies with us.

I found this post really interesting because I divorced and met a wonderful man shortly after. He was 100% unlike my ex and we started as friends. I was very open and honest as I never thought anything would come out of it.

Everything about it was right for me and for him and we got married. I was still struggling with alcoholism at the time which I shared with him upfront and hid nothing....I mean I was a raw brutally honest as possible.

Here we are almost 2 years later....happily married, expecting our first baby and I am now proud to say with much hard work and the blessings of SR and a good program of recovery - a recovering alcoholic.

I know my story isn't the norm nor is it one that most would agree with. I just followed my gut and I what I found to be tremendous for me was counseling. Not only to handle my alcoholism but to become the better person that I know myself to be.

I will say that in the beginning it was a bit rough for me and while I am blessed to have a supportive and understanding partner, I needed some help. I found myself doing a lot of compare and contrast between my dh and my ex. My ex was verbally/emotionally abusive and even something as simple as saying - I'll drive tonight sent my mind spiraling that my dh was trying to control me.

I did tons of work and I still do and while the timing of meeting my dh wasn't ideal.....I do believe that we can go on to live successful wonderful lives and can again love and have a positive relationship. Sometimes it takes some work and getting some tools in place.

All the best and thx for letting me share.

Summerpeach

I would say, if you feel this person will add to your life and not take away from, and you keep your own life, apart from him, then go for it.
But if you're doing it out of fear of being alone or because you fear looking at your own self, then it probably won't be a healthy relationship.

kia

Such a shame if u stayed single forever had to be said, i too wondered how long i should wait till i looked cos right now i couldnt face it far too raw and for me i loved the guy, he walked out on me so i suppose will take me longer but i stive towards a healthy relationship even to just chat to a bloke and not feel defensive and tetchy with them. And is the same with the other just fillls me with dread the thought of it with anyone right now, so as for the question i think if there was no love in the marriage then another relationship taken slowly is fine in my eyes i would just ignore the critics they will lose interest once they can see its working and even if it doesnt it will improve your self conscience which even they wont think is a bad thing they prob just care alot about u as my family do for me xxx

LexieCat

"Rules of thumb" are just that, general guidelines. I think it's understandable that people close to you don't want to see you get hurt.

That said, it's YOUR life. Sounds like you are aware of the possible pitfalls (not that awareness always keeps us out of them!).

Keep your eyes open, go slow, be honest with yourself (and with him). Nobody has a crystal ball for how things will turn out.

mermaidgirl

weeellll...great topic, as this has been a topic with my weekly counselor. Can we be prescriptive on this? Certainly not. We can only do what we feel is best for us at the time. I have mediation in one week...been in weekly counselin for over two years. Have had numerous men shown interest-sometimes I have shown interest back, but not to any degree...until lately. His situation-been disconnected from a very codie spouse for a few years (married for 9). Made my boundaries clear-very clear. He has made movements in all the right ways-and I resist "falling" and "feeling"...because I know where I am. The "old" me would have been there...but not this time. He has stuff to get done and he has thus far played his cards right...but he knows there are quite a few in the wings and he is in his own category-because he just is. Never planned it; took me by surprised, but everything is in measured steps. Currently-he is looking to relocate-but not just near me-wherever the opportunity is best for him. (I know, almost too healthy!)

Froglegs-you do what is healthy for you-keep working on yourself and everything else will fall into place.

mermaid.

deforest42

Hi Froglegs,

Great question. I'm just starting my first serious relationship maybe a little less than a year after divorce from my AW and maybe 18 months after separation. I tried really hard to follow the 12 month rule but I don't think it's iron-clad. The key thing I think is seeing if you can learn from the experience you went through.

For me, I think I learned that I make certain mistakes over and over again with the people I choose as partners. I am actually attracted to people who have problems. It would be funny if it wasn't sad. I dated casually right after the divorce; you could look at the people I chose and they all had alcohol and emotional interaction problems. This was a major eye-opener for me. These weren't full-blown alcoholics, just people who maybe used alcohol in unhealthy ways. But they were certainly the wrong people for a co-dependent to be trying to develop a relationship with.

I think I learned a little bit by waiting before dating someone seriously. Maybe you already understand your own weak spots? Even so, the advice here to "go slow" is fantastic and can't lead you wrong.

Good luck and I hope you find a good relationship and life balance.

-D