Blogs


Notices

My Resentment

Old 10-03-2010, 07:04 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Skipper
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
My Resentment

Thank you for all your kind words and guidance for my last post "I Feel Lost". I went to the Al-Anon meeting Friday night as I said I would. Only, it wasn't Al-Anon. The Al-Anon website had a calendar for this location and time, but once I arrived, I found that the Al-Anon group had disbanded due to lack of interest. There was an Open AA meeting, and the members invited me to join in.

I learned some things. Mostly, though, I realized that I have a lot of resentment.

I have been to many Open AA meetings and Al-Anon meetings in my life as a child of an alcoholic.

I sat there listening to these sober drunks pouring out their hearts, and I thought, "Look at them, so full of themselves, even still".

I thought their senses of humor were twisted and sick. They laughed at the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times.

I thought of my father, who is now the perfect Dry Drunk, and flies off to attend meetings, his new addiction, at the drop of a hat, avoiding real life. I thought about my RABF who is not in recovery, but who has not had a drink now for 4 days. I thought of how my RABF would have fit in just fine with these folks. I thought about the fact that I was even AT one of these meetings on a Friday night, when I should be enjoying my time with my little boy.

I feel resentment. I'm tired of my life being so affected by alcohol, even when no one's drinking!

I got a few leads on some real Al-anon meetings around town and will try again. I found out I don't want to be in a roomful of drunks, even recovering ones.
skippernlilg is offline  
The Following 25 Users Say Thank You to skippernlilg For This Useful Post:
Bernadette (10-05-2010), bookwyrm (10-03-2010), boskerbear (10-07-2010), Carol Star (10-05-2010), CatLover1234 (10-03-2010), coyote21 (10-03-2010), dancingnow (10-03-2010), DayTrader (10-07-2010), dejavu (10-04-2010), DeLynnC (10-10-2010), dollydo (10-03-2010), fourmaggie (10-03-2010), freebuthurting (10-05-2010), iloveme (10-08-2010), Jadmack25 (10-03-2010), kia (10-03-2010), Leise (10-03-2010), LS2 (10-04-2010), lulu1974 (10-09-2010), seekingcalm (10-05-2010), sojourner (10-07-2010), Still Waters (10-03-2010), TakingCharge999 (10-03-2010), Thumper (10-05-2010), worriedwife2 (10-07-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 07:20 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Yeah, I hear that. Ooh, you didn't drink yourself into a stupor today. You didn't get fired or beat your kid. Wow, good job!

Hey, wait a minute, neither did I. Where's my medal?
akrasia is offline  
The Following 12 Users Say Thank You to akrasia For This Useful Post:
Babyblue (10-07-2010), boskerbear (10-07-2010), CatLover1234 (10-03-2010), coyote21 (10-03-2010), iloveme (10-08-2010), Leise (10-03-2010), naive (10-03-2010), seekingcalm (10-05-2010), skippernlilg (10-03-2010), sojourner (10-07-2010), TakingCharge999 (10-03-2010), worriedwife2 (10-07-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 07:21 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Being Silent so I can Hear
 
Still Waters's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Yes, I hear you also. 100%.
Still Waters is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Still Waters For This Useful Post:
coyote21 (10-03-2010), Leise (10-03-2010), skippernlilg (10-03-2010), TakingCharge999 (10-03-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 07:23 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sorry you missed the Al-Anon meeting. I hope you are able to let go of some of your resentments--they really are poisonous.

I always enjoyed AA meetings when I was in Al-Anon, but I can see if you are feeling freshly wounded from a relationship it might feel strange. A lot of the humor that sounds "sick and twisted" is actually a bit of giddiness that goes along with no longer having to live with the insanity of an addiction to alcohol.

I hope you are able to find a good Al-Anon group and get some peace for yourself.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 12 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
Carol Star (10-05-2010), chicory (10-03-2010), coyote21 (10-03-2010), Freedom1990 (10-03-2010), iloveme (10-08-2010), Jadmack25 (10-03-2010), Kmber2010 (10-09-2010), Leise (10-03-2010), seekingcalm (10-05-2010), sesh (10-07-2010), skippernlilg (10-03-2010), TakingCharge999 (10-03-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 07:23 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I think it's a good sign that you're feeling resentment. It says, to me, that you're addressing your feelings and processing them rather than holding them back, ignoring them, or trying to delay the discomfort. I think feeling resentment is healthy and normal and I think it's normal to feel seriously out of place in a full room of alcoholics and recovering alcoholics; they have caused you lots of pain during the course of your life.

I found that reading books on how to deal with a family member's addiction and participating on this site were more helpful to me, personally, than Alanon was. In my opinion, it doesn't matter how a person goes about improving their life. It's more about taking action to me than it is about which vehicle I used to find a resolution to my problem. SR fit me quite nicely and was easy to work into my schedule.
FormerDoormat is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to FormerDoormat For This Useful Post:
chicory (10-03-2010), Jadmack25 (10-03-2010), Leise (10-03-2010), Linkmeister (10-03-2010), sesh (10-07-2010), skippernlilg (10-03-2010), Still Waters (10-03-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 08:13 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Skipper
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Thanks again, to all of you. Lexie, I don't CARE that they're giddy that they've quit alcohol!! Yea, good for them.

Look, in a previous relationship, I had a stepson who, when he was 5 years old, was diagnosed with cancer, stage FOUR. He beat it. That's something to celebrate. I had a 6 year old nephew who died in a car accident. That's a tragedy.

I know the AA folks sit there and moan that they can't help it and it's a disease, an affliction, etc., etc., and I'm sure for them, it's a struggle, but I cannot celebrate their victory any more. I'm tired of it being all about them all of the time, and not about LIFE!!

I don't want to be a bitter person, and I hope to HP I'm not! I just seriously want to walk away from that life so that I can have real life. Not being a part of that old life anymore is my goal, and I think it's a worthy one.

I don't second-guess common sense, ever.
skippernlilg is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to skippernlilg For This Useful Post:
Babyblue (10-07-2010), Bernadette (10-03-2010), CatLover1234 (10-03-2010), dejavu (10-04-2010), Still Waters (10-03-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 08:17 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
Your resentment is probably a transitory feeling to something better. For months now I've been feeling so damn angry as well, yet this anger is now kind of consolidating itself to something more useful, almost a feeling of acceptance. It's not there yet, but I get glimpses of it.
FiftyPence is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to FiftyPence For This Useful Post:
akrasia (10-03-2010), skippernlilg (10-03-2010), sojourner (10-07-2010), Still Waters (10-03-2010), TakingCharge999 (10-03-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 09:00 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
MissFixit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I understand your resentment. Believe me, I get it.

However, I use the knowledge I learned from being treated like trash to not be treated like trash again today or in the future. When I experience similar feelings to what I felt with the A, I get away from the cause of those feelings. It forces ME to look at myself and others around me to ascertain what I am feeling and why. Deep stuff. If I do this immediately, then I nip the chaos in the bud so to speak. Remove the unhealthy thing...

I also know now that being involved with A's is damaging to my life, so no more involvement with A's. Period. Not my problem.
MissFixit is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to MissFixit For This Useful Post:
dejavu (10-04-2010), iloveme (10-08-2010), skippernlilg (10-03-2010), Still Waters (10-03-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 09:20 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Blog Entries: 45
aaah so now your expressing FEELINGS...awesome, just awesome...this now will be a rough road for you...but keep feeling and learning the words to express them.....

for me, what help was the 1st STEP..realizing I AM powerless over alcohol...that step...took along time for me.....
PLUS the 3 c's...did not cause this, can not control it, and I diffently can not cure it!! once i got all of this out of the way....I moved on to my feelings....I have a list aways beside me, on how to express them and what they mean, and the list, well, gets bigger and bigger...and that is the whole point of GROWTH, yeppers...GROWING is hard but what a RELIEF to indentify those feelings...
fourmaggie is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to fourmaggie For This Useful Post:
Learn2Live (10-03-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 09:47 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I kinda thought I acknowledged you might not be in a place to appreciate the dark humor in the rooms. The AA meetings ARE for them, not for you. So it really doesn't matter what they say in their meetings, so far as you are concerned, right?

Keep taking good care of yourself. Hugs, I've been where you are.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
chicory (10-03-2010), Jadmack25 (10-03-2010), Learn2Live (10-03-2010), skippernlilg (10-03-2010), wicked (10-03-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 10:47 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Daybreak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Kansas for now
Posts: 100
I sat there listening to these sober drunks pouring out their hearts, and I thought, "Look at them, so full of themselves, even still".

I know what you mean and I don't consider it a resentment. I consider it a realistic appraisal.
Daybreak is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Daybreak For This Useful Post:
Babyblue (10-07-2010), skippernlilg (10-03-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 10:58 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Yeah, I do see Lexie's point and as ever it's a wise perspective.

At the same time I think there is a point at which some people just revel in the AA thing. I'm having trouble putting it into words. I mean, I appreciate that recovery is a lifelong process. But then you see these people who are still wallowing in the whole drama of their recovery and navel-gazing and using it as an excuse not to move on. "I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for twenty-five years." Okay, so drink your lemonade and join the rest of the human race now.

Sorry, feeling a wee bit fed up today.
akrasia is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to akrasia For This Useful Post:
Babyblue (10-07-2010), CatLover1234 (10-04-2010), dejavu (10-04-2010), iloveme (10-08-2010), Jadmack25 (10-03-2010), seekingcalm (10-05-2010), skippernlilg (10-03-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 11:35 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Skipper
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Akrasia,

I think you and I are in a similar spot. I know I didn't cause it, I know I can't control it, and I certainly know I can't cure it. And I don't ignore the pink elephant in the room. There it is, huge, pink elephant. I will not apologize for it or the way I feel. It belongs in the circus, not my home.

I told my mother, Queen Codie, the story of the open AA meeting, and she replied, "Well, I found Al-anon very helpful because I had to live with it for so long..." Really? Do you think she had to live with it for so long? She said I needed empathy! Really? Empathy.

How about I just raise my son with all the great things life has to offer with faith, belief, principles, the common good, helping our neighbor, stand up for what's right, have compassion for people, and all those things? How about I teach him how to handle life himself without doing everything for him? Let him fly! How about that?!
skippernlilg is offline  
Old 10-03-2010, 01:08 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
High on Life
 
TheEnd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,156
Originally Posted by akrasia View Post
Yeah, I do see Lexie's point and as ever it's a wise perspective.

At the same time I think there is a point at which some people just revel in the AA thing. I'm having trouble putting it into words. I mean, I appreciate that recovery is a lifelong process. But then you see these people who are still wallowing in the whole drama of their recovery and navel-gazing and using it as an excuse not to move on. "I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for twenty-five years." Okay, so drink your lemonade and join the rest of the human race now.

Sorry, feeling a wee bit fed up today.
If reveling in the AA thing, as you put it, is what keeps them from drinking, then who are you to say that it's not OK. We all do what we must and some people have different struggles that you would not understand.

Also remember you are seeing people who come to a place to be honest about their feelings about alcohol and how it is, or is not affecting their lives. If you don't like it or understand, please by all means, don't keep coming back........
TheEnd is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to TheEnd For This Useful Post:
chicory (10-03-2010), Jadmack25 (10-03-2010), Learn2Live (10-03-2010), skippernlilg (12-16-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 01:41 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Skipper
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Originally Posted by TheEnd View Post
If reveling in the AA thing, as you put it, is what keeps them from drinking, then who are you to say that it's not OK. We all do what we must and some people have different struggles that you would not understand.

Also remember you are seeing people who come to a place to be honest about their feelings about alcohol and how it is, or is not affecting their lives. If you don't like it or understand, please by all means, don't keep coming back........

I think it is ok. For them. If it works for them, you, or anyone, by golly, then work it. Absolutely.

Exactly. :ghug3
skippernlilg is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to skippernlilg For This Useful Post:
chicory (10-03-2010), Jadmack25 (10-03-2010), wicked (10-13-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 01:47 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by skippernlilg View Post
I'm tired of my life being so affected by alcohol, even when no one's drinking!

I completely understand that feeling. There have been days I just wanted to run off into the sunset screaming and never return.

I was married to an active alcoholic, I am an alcoholic in recovery, I now have a 32 year old daughter who's an active alcoholic, and a 15 year old granddaughter I have concerns about now that she lives with her mother.

There are days I really wish I didn't have quite so much life experience from all angles.

The good news is you are actively seeking a program of recovery for yourself!

I'd be in a rubber room, in a straight-jacket right now without my program of recovery!
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
Bernadette (10-05-2010), chicory (10-03-2010), Jadmack25 (10-03-2010), sesh (10-07-2010), skippernlilg (10-03-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 01:52 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,783
Hi skipper. I used to go to AA as I also went to an Alanon and it was no longer used for that.

I was lucky in that I could hear all their stories from the alkie's perspective. What I took from them, was that it took several loss and drama with girllfrieds, wives, loss of work and rights towards their children, car accidents, etc, for them to even start considering something might be wrong with them.

This helped me put my short relationship with an alkie in perspective. No, I was not going to change him, his alkie career has a long way to go, and no one guarantees he might ever finds recovery.

This helped me let go .. to sense the dimension of it ...


Also, to hear recovering alkies that mentioned how they treated their partners, how said partners never deserved their hurtful comments and actions, how they are glad they left and didn't stay for more of their BS while active.

It also helped me to talk 1 on 1 to a few of them, and hear FROM THEM that I took the best decision, and acknowledge/accept what I lived, and state this is progressive and real and was never part of my imagination.

The thing is to keep looking for what works and what doesn't, we all have our own battles you know. Its as if I come here and say "today I did not obsess over XABF!" to someone else may be a stupid thing, but given my own story it would be a wonderful achievement.

Perhaps it was also that I mourned for weeks and weeks before even going to that group, so my goal was only to know I did not imagine stuff,and they helped me to remember the reality and the sadness of it, and how lucky I was to get out without much harm.

Keep moving forward!
TakingCharge999 is offline  
The Following 13 Users Say Thank You to TakingCharge999 For This Useful Post:
boskerbear (10-07-2010), chicory (10-03-2010), dejavu (10-05-2010), HurtingAgain (10-04-2010), iloveme (10-08-2010), Jadmack25 (10-03-2010), keepinon (10-04-2010), LexieCat (10-03-2010), onlyliveonce (10-03-2010), RollTide (10-04-2010), seekingcalm (10-05-2010), skippernlilg (10-03-2010), TheEnd (10-03-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 02:00 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Jadmack25's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Yes it is damned infuriating to see people getting applauded for doing what we think is normal behaviour. I felt dumbfounded, that some got a pat on the back, for NOT doing something they had done for 20 or so years. Hello, what took you so long to get it?

Then there were the Hot Gospellers....those who could not even discuss the weather without delivering a homily on AA, and their sobriety, etc.

I even steamed up at the word "relapse" and "fell off the wagon", thinking what wishy washy words for making such a total stuff up of your life, yet again. No, I was not a happy camper when I first had contact with AA. Full of bitter resentment and would have happily knee-capped a few AA members at that time.

Of course none of them knew my feelings, and the only one who paid was me...with high stress and making myself even sicker.

You do get some "over the top" folks, 13 steppers, holy Joe's, dry drunks and weirdos in AA, just as you do in any organization or group of people, secular, sporting, professional or religious.

Heck, I see some at church.....and some probably count me among them.

I really don't give a toss how an A works his/her program or what they say or do.....as long as it keeps them off their DOC, gives them a life and stops them making my life a misery, driving into my car or mugging me for money.

How they handle their business is none of mine.
How I handle my business is ALL mine.
Jadmack25 is offline  
The Following 17 Users Say Thank You to Jadmack25 For This Useful Post:
akrasia (10-04-2010), Babyblue (10-07-2010), Bernadette (10-03-2010), bookwyrm (10-03-2010), chicory (10-03-2010), coyote21 (10-03-2010), Freedom1990 (10-03-2010), iloveme (10-08-2010), Learn2Live (10-03-2010), Lenina (10-09-2010), LexieCat (10-03-2010), Linkmeister (10-03-2010), seekingcalm (10-05-2010), skippernlilg (10-03-2010), Still Waters (10-03-2010), TakingCharge999 (10-03-2010), TheEnd (10-03-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 02:13 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Skipper
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Thanks Lexie.

Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I kinda thought I acknowledged you might not be in a place to appreciate the dark humor in the rooms. The AA meetings ARE for them, not for you. So it really doesn't matter what they say in their meetings, so far as you are concerned, right?

Keep taking good care of yourself. Hugs, I've been where you are.
You did, Lexie, thanks. I understand what you're saying. And yes, those meetings are there for them, and if it helps them, that is very cool. It just made it obvious to me that it's their place, not mine.

>>>>told ya I had resentment---it's shining through on this thread. I can see it.
skippernlilg is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to skippernlilg For This Useful Post:
chicory (10-03-2010), TakingCharge999 (10-03-2010), TheEnd (10-03-2010)
Old 10-03-2010, 02:15 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Daybreak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Kansas for now
Posts: 100
Obviously, the lesson here is that, if you find your Al-Anon meeting vanished and you're not sure you can stomach an AA meeting, don't stay for one.

I have known two long-term recovering A's -- both of them delightful and empathetic men. Over the last year while AH was sober and going to AA consistently, he has had two sponsors "go out" - along with all his friends from rehab, except one. AH bragged and bragged about how he had publicly confessed, with tears, all his mistreatment of me. Then he went out. Haven't heard about it since. I think that, when you have had your heart moved by angst and remorse over and over again -- followed by relapse, it's hard to hear it with the same naive receptivity you once had. No matter where you hear it. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the content of any given AA meeting. It just means one can experience it realistically.
Daybreak is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Daybreak For This Useful Post:
skippernlilg (10-03-2010), TakingCharge999 (10-10-2010)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:43 PM.