skippernlilg

Thank you for all your kind words and guidance for my last post "I Feel Lost". I went to the Al-Anon meeting Friday night as I said I would. Only, it wasn't Al-Anon. The Al-Anon website had a calendar for this location and time, but once I arrived, I found that the Al-Anon group had disbanded due to lack of interest. There was an Open AA meeting, and the members invited me to join in.

I learned some things. Mostly, though, I realized that I have a lot of resentment.

I have been to many Open AA meetings and Al-Anon meetings in my life as a child of an alcoholic.

I sat there listening to these sober drunks pouring out their hearts, and I thought, "Look at them, so full of themselves, even still".

I thought their senses of humor were twisted and sick. They laughed at the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times.

I thought of my father, who is now the perfect Dry Drunk, and flies off to attend meetings, his new addiction, at the drop of a hat, avoiding real life. I thought about my RABF who is not in recovery, but who has not had a drink now for 4 days. I thought of how my RABF would have fit in just fine with these folks. I thought about the fact that I was even AT one of these meetings on a Friday night, when I should be enjoying my time with my little boy.

I feel resentment. I'm tired of my life being so affected by alcohol, even when no one's drinking!

I got a few leads on some real Al-anon meetings around town and will try again. I found out I don't want to be in a roomful of drunks, even recovering ones.

akrasia

Yeah, I hear that. Ooh, you didn't drink yourself into a stupor today. You didn't get fired or beat your kid. Wow, good job!

Hey, wait a minute, neither did I. Where's my medal?

Still Waters

Yes, I hear you also. 100%.

LexieCat

Sorry you missed the Al-Anon meeting. I hope you are able to let go of some of your resentments--they really are poisonous.

I always enjoyed AA meetings when I was in Al-Anon, but I can see if you are feeling freshly wounded from a relationship it might feel strange. A lot of the humor that sounds "sick and twisted" is actually a bit of giddiness that goes along with no longer having to live with the insanity of an addiction to alcohol.

I hope you are able to find a good Al-Anon group and get some peace for yourself.

FormerDoormat

I think it's a good sign that you're feeling resentment. It says, to me, that you're addressing your feelings and processing them rather than holding them back, ignoring them, or trying to delay the discomfort. I think feeling resentment is healthy and normal and I think it's normal to feel seriously out of place in a full room of alcoholics and recovering alcoholics; they have caused you lots of pain during the course of your life.

I found that reading books on how to deal with a family member's addiction and participating on this site were more helpful to me, personally, than Alanon was. In my opinion, it doesn't matter how a person goes about improving their life. It's more about taking action to me than it is about which vehicle I used to find a resolution to my problem. SR fit me quite nicely and was easy to work into my schedule.

skippernlilg

Thanks again, to all of you. Lexie, I don't CARE that they're giddy that they've quit alcohol!! Yea, good for them.

Look, in a previous relationship, I had a stepson who, when he was 5 years old, was diagnosed with cancer, stage FOUR. He beat it. That's something to celebrate. I had a 6 year old nephew who died in a car accident. That's a tragedy.

I know the AA folks sit there and moan that they can't help it and it's a disease, an affliction, etc., etc., and I'm sure for them, it's a struggle, but I cannot celebrate their victory any more. I'm tired of it being all about them all of the time, and not about LIFE!!

I don't want to be a bitter person, and I hope to HP I'm not! I just seriously want to walk away from that life so that I can have real life. Not being a part of that old life anymore is my goal, and I think it's a worthy one.

I don't second-guess common sense, ever.

FiftyPence

Your resentment is probably a transitory feeling to something better. For months now I've been feeling so damn angry as well, yet this anger is now kind of consolidating itself to something more useful, almost a feeling of acceptance. It's not there yet, but I get glimpses of it.

MissFixit

I understand your resentment. Believe me, I get it.

However, I use the knowledge I learned from being treated like trash to not be treated like trash again today or in the future. When I experience similar feelings to what I felt with the A, I get away from the cause of those feelings. It forces ME to look at myself and others around me to ascertain what I am feeling and why. Deep stuff. If I do this immediately, then I nip the chaos in the bud so to speak. Remove the unhealthy thing...

I also know now that being involved with A's is damaging to my life, so no more involvement with A's. Period. Not my problem.

fourmaggie

aaah so now your expressing FEELINGS...awesome, just awesome...this now will be a rough road for you...but keep feeling and learning the words to express them.....

for me, what help was the 1st STEP..realizing I AM powerless over alcohol...that step...took along time for me.....
PLUS the 3 c's...did not cause this, can not control it, and I diffently can not cure it!! once i got all of this out of the way....I moved on to my feelings....I have a list aways beside me, on how to express them and what they mean, and the list, well, gets bigger and bigger...and that is the whole point of GROWTH, yeppers...GROWING is hard but what a RELIEF to indentify those feelings...

LexieCat

I kinda thought I acknowledged you might not be in a place to appreciate the dark humor in the rooms. The AA meetings ARE for them, not for you. So it really doesn't matter what they say in their meetings, so far as you are concerned, right?

Keep taking good care of yourself. Hugs, I've been where you are.

Daybreak

I sat there listening to these sober drunks pouring out their hearts, and I thought, "Look at them, so full of themselves, even still".

I know what you mean and I don't consider it a resentment. I consider it a realistic appraisal.

akrasia

Yeah, I do see Lexie's point and as ever it's a wise perspective.

At the same time I think there is a point at which some people just revel in the AA thing. I'm having trouble putting it into words. I mean, I appreciate that recovery is a lifelong process. But then you see these people who are still wallowing in the whole drama of their recovery and navel-gazing and using it as an excuse not to move on. "I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for twenty-five years." Okay, so drink your lemonade and join the rest of the human race now.

Sorry, feeling a wee bit fed up today.

skippernlilg

Akrasia,

I think you and I are in a similar spot. I know I didn't cause it, I know I can't control it, and I certainly know I can't cure it. And I don't ignore the pink elephant in the room. There it is, huge, pink elephant. I will not apologize for it or the way I feel. It belongs in the circus, not my home.

I told my mother, Queen Codie, the story of the open AA meeting, and she replied, "Well, I found Al-anon very helpful because I had to live with it for so long..." Really? Do you think she had to live with it for so long? She said I needed empathy! Really? Empathy.

How about I just raise my son with all the great things life has to offer with faith, belief, principles, the common good, helping our neighbor, stand up for what's right, have compassion for people, and all those things? How about I teach him how to handle life himself without doing everything for him? Let him fly! How about that?!

TheEnd

If reveling in the AA thing, as you put it, is what keeps them from drinking, then who are you to say that it's not OK. We all do what we must and some people have different struggles that you would not understand.

Also remember you are seeing people who come to a place to be honest about their feelings about alcohol and how it is, or is not affecting their lives. If you don't like it or understand, please by all means, don't keep coming back........

skippernlilg

I think it is ok. For them. If it works for them, you, or anyone, by golly, then work it. Absolutely.

Exactly. :ghug3

Freedom1990

I completely understand that feeling. There have been days I just wanted to run off into the sunset screaming and never return.

I was married to an active alcoholic, I am an alcoholic in recovery, I now have a 32 year old daughter who's an active alcoholic, and a 15 year old granddaughter I have concerns about now that she lives with her mother.

There are days I really wish I didn't have quite so much life experience from all angles.

The good news is you are actively seeking a program of recovery for yourself!

I'd be in a rubber room, in a straight-jacket right now without my program of recovery!

TakingCharge999

Hi skipper. I used to go to AA as I also went to an Alanon and it was no longer used for that.

I was lucky in that I could hear all their stories from the alkie's perspective. What I took from them, was that it took several loss and drama with girllfrieds, wives, loss of work and rights towards their children, car accidents, etc, for them to even start considering something might be wrong with them.

This helped me put my short relationship with an alkie in perspective. No, I was not going to change him, his alkie career has a long way to go, and no one guarantees he might ever finds recovery.

This helped me let go .. to sense the dimension of it ...


Also, to hear recovering alkies that mentioned how they treated their partners, how said partners never deserved their hurtful comments and actions, how they are glad they left and didn't stay for more of their BS while active.

It also helped me to talk 1 on 1 to a few of them, and hear FROM THEM that I took the best decision, and acknowledge/accept what I lived, and state this is progressive and real and was never part of my imagination.

The thing is to keep looking for what works and what doesn't, we all have our own battles you know. Its as if I come here and say "today I did not obsess over XABF!" to someone else may be a stupid thing, but given my own story it would be a wonderful achievement.

Perhaps it was also that I mourned for weeks and weeks before even going to that group, so my goal was only to know I did not imagine stuff,and they helped me to remember the reality and the sadness of it, and how lucky I was to get out without much harm.

Keep moving forward!

Jadmack25

Yes it is damned infuriating to see people getting applauded for doing what we think is normal behaviour. I felt dumbfounded, that some got a pat on the back, for NOT doing something they had done for 20 or so years. Hello, what took you so long to get it?

Then there were the Hot Gospellers....those who could not even discuss the weather without delivering a homily on AA, and their sobriety, etc.

I even steamed up at the word "relapse" and "fell off the wagon", thinking what wishy washy words for making such a total stuff up of your life, yet again. No, I was not a happy camper when I first had contact with AA. Full of bitter resentment and would have happily knee-capped a few AA members at that time.

Of course none of them knew my feelings, and the only one who paid was me...with high stress and making myself even sicker.

You do get some "over the top" folks, 13 steppers, holy Joe's, dry drunks and weirdos in AA, just as you do in any organization or group of people, secular, sporting, professional or religious.

Heck, I see some at church.....and some probably count me among them.

I really don't give a toss how an A works his/her program or what they say or do.....as long as it keeps them off their DOC, gives them a life and stops them making my life a misery, driving into my car or mugging me for money.

How they handle their business is none of mine.
How I handle my business is ALL mine.

skippernlilg

You did, Lexie, thanks. I understand what you're saying. And yes, those meetings are there for them, and if it helps them, that is very cool. It just made it obvious to me that it's their place, not mine.

>>>>told ya I had resentment---it's shining through on this thread. I can see it.

Daybreak

Obviously, the lesson here is that, if you find your Al-Anon meeting vanished and you're not sure you can stomach an AA meeting, don't stay for one.

I have known two long-term recovering A's -- both of them delightful and empathetic men. Over the last year while AH was sober and going to AA consistently, he has had two sponsors "go out" - along with all his friends from rehab, except one. AH bragged and bragged about how he had publicly confessed, with tears, all his mistreatment of me. Then he went out. Haven't heard about it since. I think that, when you have had your heart moved by angst and remorse over and over again -- followed by relapse, it's hard to hear it with the same naive receptivity you once had. No matter where you hear it. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the content of any given AA meeting. It just means one can experience it realistically.