Fee11

Addiction as a disease is far more complicated and encompassing than I have ever imagined. Many people over the years have said this to me in one way or another, but I have never had the capacity or the willingness to let it sink in. When drinking, even when I was not thinking about drinking, my mind was strategically still on the wheel of keeping things on track for my next fix. There was no room for spontanaity or random acts of kindness or laughter. I feel kind of lost now not knowing where to put my energy or thoughts or sorrows, but atleast I can form an uninhibited thought most of the time.

BurningChrome

FEE, You are SO right on this! I have _Wasted_ SO much time of my limited lifespan on my addiction!

Thank you for sharing,
...Mike

HideorSeek

Yes, I would say that that's why there are no clear answers or fixes. Everyone is different, yet paradoxically, the same in many ways. I noticed recently that I never "finish" my cup of coffee...nope ....I always top it off about halfway through. Afraid I will run out? Little pieces of evidence like that crop up all the time. I was an addict long before I drank alcohol.

Anne Lamott likened addiction to putting an octopus to bed. You get one arm down and another pops up. Which is why, IMHO, lasting, happy recovery is so much more than putting down the drink.

Anna

Yes, you are absolutely right!

It was such a relief to me to be rid of the obsessive thoughts. I was able to open my mind and live my life.

Fee11

Interesting stuff. I've been meeting some really smart, and passionate people in recovery... Eww I just hate it that we have been so put down by alcohol. It literally destroys people's self esteem and passion and seems to replace it with a horrible obsession and fear or rejection. What a load of soul poison. I really hope I can come back with some semblence of the person I used to be, and really learn to help others see that it is not a moral, "I am the scum of the earth" condition. I was always clingy with having comorts even as a kid. I don't think I was materialistic especially, but just desperate to hold tight to the things that made me feel good. I have been eying a phatty travel coffee mug so I can carry some brew around all day... lol... maybe I should just buy darn pacifier (preferably caffinated). I can absolutely relate to the octopus analagy; didja know that octopuses are one of the best camoflaugers in nature? They almost psychedelically change color to fit in, and can squeeze through crevices that don't seem natural. I hope there are only 8 tentacles to put to bed, but I have a feeling my addiction is going to be like a school of the little buggers. Thanks again.

LexieCat

I do a lot of reading about Buddhist recovery. One of the main tenets of Buddhism is that suffering is caused by our attachment to pleasure (not necessarily material things--just "feeling good") and our aversion to the opposite.

Thinking about addiction in this context makes it all sort of make sense. Most of us addicts are forever chasing the "feeling good" and do whatever we can to avoid "pain" (pain not being equivalent to suffering--pain is transitory, suffering is what we go through when we can't accept the pain).

Haven't we all experienced the dread that precedes something we don't want to face? And then suffered through it, mentally resisting it with all our might? And then maybe re-playing the pain (resenting it) after it's over?

I think the concepts of attachment/aversion explain a lot about addiction.

duggy

I do the same thing...whether it is coffee or a soda...it never goes below the half full level..i'm constant "topper offer".

It is complicated...as the day of sobriety pass, I realize how complicated it really is.

I hate the obsessive thoughts..i've taken to going on long walks so I can focus on things around me in the moment and not worry about wanting to drink.

DayTrader

Fee, in my short time in recovery I'll say my opinion was completely in line with yours but, now, I've gone the other direction. I'm starting to think it's really quite simple - at least in the treatment and the recovery from it.

It really was amazing to me though, just how many areas my alcoholism twisted, mangled, distorted and damaged in my life though. --that's what had me thinking it was super complex.

Like a big tree with tons of branches going off in all directions though, if you yank the root all those branches die too. I tried "pruning branches" in my addiction and especially in early recovery...it made me feel good I guess - like I was on this great quest to better myself. The problem was, each time I tried to cut something off (IF I even got it cut), it'd seem like there were 2 new things that would pop up (like when you trim a tree and the cut sprouts a 'y' with 2 new branches at the cut).

AA taught me what the root was......and what to do to take care of it - and then it got really simple. It's not always easy.....but it IS simple to me now.

sailorjohn

For me, encompassing, that's the nature of it, it becomes your life.

Complicated, no in fact. In my fantasy world I would try to complicate it but it's really quite simple.

Stay clean/sober you get a chance to live. Very simple.

augustwest

think of it as a grossly exaggerated case of OCD

i love lexie's post as well, and agree completely

jamdls

LOL I love that thought, I'm not a coffee drinker but I know lots of people that are and imagine there could be quite a market for coffee filled pacifiers.

Boleo

Not really. So long as you understand one thing;

Logic and reason are the wrong tools to get at the truth about addiction.