BeautifulDisatr

I am holding on for dear life and losing my mind. I have accepted the fact that my ABF is an ADDICT and has a serious problem that ONLY he can take care. I understand that the drugs effects and affects him not only physically, emotionally, mentally, so on and so forth. Yet I have not fully accepted that fact HE (my ABF) is not taking the steps necessary to make him self better, Or maybe it’s the fact I don’t “SEE” him taking the steps necessary or maybe it’s because it’s not my way. Somehow when all the thoughts in my mind of this truly horrendous addiction and what has become a shell of his body and a heart that is cold and cruel as wet pumice; I become a basket case. I know in my mind there is nothing I can do to save him, fix him, help him, assist him (whatever I want to call it) but some how once it gets to my nose it all becomes snot and my emotions take over. This is why I am still at Step One - I cannot say I admit I am powerless over drugs and that my life is still unmanageable.

I am incredibly, emotionally torn between walking away from the love of my life, to a calmer, more emotionally stable life alone OR holding on for dear life on the hopes he sober up, get’s his act together and WE have a good, decent life TOGATHER.

I joined SR March of this year and its amazes me in reading my few posts that 7 months later I am still here struggling, wishing, hoping, wanting desperately to move forward. To add to my emotional instability I am mad at myself for the woman I have become – an emotional basket case. All the times I screamed at him that its, we are done; I can’t do this anymore, etc. etc. Maybe that is why I call myself a Beautiful Disaster. I am sooo screwed up, flipped upside down, inside out and twisted emotionally, yet I know I am a beautiful, intelligent, hard working, good, kind, loving woman.

Anyways thank you for letting me speak and listening to me.

suki44883

When you are in doubt, be still, and wait; when doubt no longer exists for you, then go forward with courage.So long as mists envelop you, be still; be still until the sunlight pours through and dispels the mists-- as it surely will. Then act with courage.

BeautifulDisatr

It’s how I am living right now; I keep repeating this quote and the Serenity Prayer over and over again. Yet my mind is on over drive and my nerves are shot.

BeautifulDisatr

Yes and No, but Im scared. Scared of everything; Scared coming to terms with who I am. Sounds Pathetic I know, but I hate the thought of losing him too.

I already know what your going to say.. I already did :-(

ItsmeAlice

Hope is not a plan but a plan is nothing without hope.

It was a concept I heard early on in recovery that helped me to understand what I was really here for. Sadly my primary focus was initially to hope for my XABF's recovery and a happy life for me and somehow recovery was my fallback position. Clearly backwards and it went nowhere.

I was living with my XABF at the time I sought recovery. I was right where you are emotionally. I felt that I could accept that I couldn't control his drinking and I couldn't make him seek recovery and yet I still felt this deep-seated need to say or do some magical thing that would make him see the light. I also struggled with telling him all about my recovery in the blind desire to show him how great it could be to change oneself. Ugh. My focus remained on him and not really on me.

When I finally made the switch and focused on a plan of recovery instead of just hoping for it to happen, things began to change for me. I still hoped my XABF would seek sobriety and I still do. I still hoped I would find that love relationship that enriched my life and I still do. My hopes, though, were no longer my plan but rather what fueled that plan.

I can hear your frustration and I feel like I lived through that myself. It does take a bit of an A-ha moment where it just kind of clicks for you, and it does happen. You are not a disaster. You are not a basket case. You are deeply devoted person. Your love for someone who does not show that love and care to themselves has you frustrated beyond measure and that is understandable.

My wish for you is that you take this love and devotion and you focus it on yourself for a while. Let hope take a backseat and instead pursue recovery with the same passion you've shown to trying to help him.

Much love,
Alice