1988July

I wrote before I had so much helpful feedback. I need to know this... When do you know for sure when you should stand by your loved ones side and when you should quit and call it a day and walk away. My daughter's dad started to hit me after he started heroin, so does that mean that it was because of the heroin? Please read my other post before answering this one because it has more details. He wasn't good to me at the end well for 11/2 year of our 3 year relationship it was horrible. But I thought when you loved someone you stand by them and help them no matter what. I need to hear that I was right for leaving. I need to know that no one else would have stayed in the same situation and that it was the right thing to do. This is what keeps me up at night. We were a week from our wedding day. It says for better or worse... Where is the line? Are you suppose to just walk away from the people that you love when they need you? Because there are other posts that talk about standing by their loved ones side thru this and I left...

1988July

I know that at one point he did love me and I also know that he was suppose to love me but he hurt me more then ever. But I just need this clarified I tried to get him to get help with counseling for the abuse and classes medication he would always refuse or he would tell me he would long enough for me to unpack an it would take a couple days to go back to the same thing. I need some reassurance

Dee74

Hi 1988

I read your other thread. You got some pretty inspiring responses there.

A relationship should always be a loving, giving two way street IMO - standing by your man (or woman in my case) is fine - but only when it makes sense to do so.

When you or your baby are in danger, then there's no sense in staying in that situation, as far as I see it.

The safety of you and your daughter should always be paramount - the things you've described that have happened to you are simply not acceptable - there's no rationale, no excuse, no extenuating circumstances that make any of that ok - ever.

I think you did the right thing.

D

litehorse

i agree with all responses - abuse is not acceptable on any level - you should not endure it and your child should not witness it (which becomes a kind of abuse for her) - take care of yourself and her - love means you do what is best for someone - staying with him and allowing him to abuse you is not best for him either - if it is just the drugs that causes that type of behavior he would not want you to stay and allow it when in his right mind -

kiki5711

there's no cure for "mean" and "abusive". Abusers never change, not any that I've ever heard of. They only get worse. you're lucky you got out while you still have your sanity.

lc1972

You have to take care of you and your daughter. I have been married for 6 years to someone I am so in love with and I still asked him to leave last night. He is not abusive at all it's very strange he seems more loving, but his behavior is off. He snaps on silly things and raises his voice. When they are high on heroin they are not themselves and seem to have an empty look in the eyes. I will not risk my children for anything in the world and will not take the chance if he was caught of losing them.

lightseeker

there are some deal breakers in the "for better or worse" and two of them are abuse and addiction.

Remember those words were man-made (and I do mean MAN) and done a while ago. The words in the marriage vows are nowhere to be found in the Bible. I think that if they were written today collaboratively between men and women they would say "we will BOTH respect, regard, and love one another". There is no relationship where you sign on and say "hey, I'm with you no matter how you treat me".

Hope this helps.

outtolunch

From your other post:

"But I truely feel like if I had been home more and worked less, had sex more, let him drink when he wanted, appreciated him more, I don't know there is millions of them."

These are the words and feelings of many abused women, everywhere. It is common for women in this position to feel they somehow deserve what happened or that if they only fill in the blank they could control the abuser.

Leaving the situation means your own healthy survival instincts kicked in.
Please seriously consider going to your nearest Police Station and talking to them. You need to obtain a restraining order to keep him away from you. He is an ongoing threat to your life. No woman deserves to be abused.

Don't blame the drugs. He's an animal. Protecting yourself from harmful, rabid animals is good stuff.

I am very surprised that the hotline returned your call and identified themselves to him. This makes no sense and is not the protocol used in these situations. Report this experience to the Police, too.

No matter what, resist the urge to return to him or the fantasy they he is going to change and all will be well. He's dangerous.

chicory

honey,
when someone hits you, that is a sign- they don't SEE you as a person, just something to take out their anger on. and this guy has a LOT of anger.
Run away, dont walk.

Take hold of the llittle girls hand, inside of you, and take care of her, as you would any child who is being abused.
I feel that you are in a fog of denial, braniwashed into thinking that there is something that YOU are able to do that no one else can.

If you could not stop him from hitting you, what CAN you make him do?

honey, get some help from the abuse hotlines, or counseling services. call a local pastor, do something. you are in danger- See it, dont doubt yourself. YOu have lost touch with yourself, and you are still there- but you have to look within, and ask "what does this little child (YOU) within me need?
not more abuse.
protect her.
love her.
hear her cries.
you have value.
your life is yours, not his to destroy.

please, focus on you and your daughter. she deserves to have a mother who is not being abused. she will probably grow up accepting the same things that you do.
chicory

nodaybut2day

The line comes when you are being beaten.

What does he need you for? As a punching bag? As a sex toy? To belittle, berate, and destroy bit by bit, so he can feel better about himself?!

You have a daughter: imagine your daughter grown up, being BEATEN by a man like the one you left. What feelings does that illicit in you?

I THINK YOU DID THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD BY LEAVING THAT DIRTBAG...

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE.

I hope I was clear enough.

lovechild

uuhh how i can relate! i have been a punching bag for 4 men - left everyone of them after the first time they hit me and just recently 3 weeks now i broke up with my ex that is an addict. I very strongly believe that if i stayed with him he would have hit me too. and i struggled with the same thing you are struggling with - did i believe in him enough? i should stood by him more and be there for him. yeah - well i did all i could. who exactly is standing by me? he is eating my food, sleeping in my bed - i am paying all the bills just so he can sit around all day and think how to get high or drink himself half to death. and my life is what waiting for him to wake up? and be a men? I am sorry but i can't stand by him since he doesn't want to help himself. the way is right in front of him and he wants to be clean i know he does but he doesn't want to do what needs to be done. he keeps trying to go around the problem and never face it and i don't have the time for this.
Being hit it takes away from you. Makes you feel like you are less then a human but most of all i always had the question in my mind what did i do???? the truth is i always found men that were less then me and they needed to put me down so they can feel better about themselves. Have power. Now i have the power - over myself and my world and my own happiness as much as he has power over his. Let him go and see how much of a women you really are. Do something good for yourself - i found that so important. Do for your daughter - when she grows up she will be your reward fro walking away from him. My son is 18 and i wish i could do a lot of things over with him - one thing for sure - the men that beat me ( my son was never around that) took away part of who i was away from me and i could never give my son what he really needed from me - me. the whole me. the happy me.

msmom

Dear '88 and all,
What great testimony I've found here. My late ex-ah was also in a mental health facility for almost a year. His alcohol abuse is what finally killed him. It was hard to separate from him, because he was so needy, but the bottom line was that I was 'going down' with him. I had to save myself and my son.

My son is now going into his 2nd rehab (tomorrow) for opiate addiction. I needed to have him OUT of my house several times in the past couple of years. This time I couldn't do it, and he's here, still figuring out ways of getting high. It's truly incredible, but true. My finances are a shambles, my mortgage will be late this month, because I had to pay $200 to get my car out of impound. (not the 1st time). It is SO SO hard to detach...and I've been in codependents anon. for many years!
When the pain (emotional and other) gets bad enough, we will do what we must. Our Higher Power will guide us if we allow it!!! Get to as many meetings as you can, please.
Isolating is the WORST thing you can do to yourself. Stay with healthy people. God bless you and guide you.
Lena

EJG123

Of course you were right to leave.

keepinon

So 1998, we are all in agreement..totally unanimous..you did the right thing. I hope that can bring you some peace. I urge you to try again at the womens shelter..go to their support groups, read the books they tell you..star with Codependent No More..go to Alanon or Naranon , for your sanity, not to "help your ex"....think about what every person has the right to.Peace in their home, personal safety, etc. Learn some slogans to help you when you are in the middle of freaking out..my personal fave Let go or be dragged.There are lots of steps you can take to start repairing the damage that drugs and alcohol have caused. You have made a great start by leaving and giving your child a safe home.

1988July

That's what I thought to about the hotlline I had the number in my car hidden in the glove box for months a women gave it to me when she saw him slap me in a grocery store, like I said I was so afraid to call them and finally I did. I couldnt believe it either. At that point I lost alot of faith and really didn't know what I was suppose to do.

1988July

That's one thing that scares me to death is that I have a son and daughter my daughter is 1 but my son 4 and he saw and heard more then he was suppose to. I have alot of work to do with him. He is very protective of me now and to the extent he won't let anyone even correct me if I am wrong. An he is just for what makes me strong is in 15 years if my son's girlfriend were to call me or show up at my house and said he hit her, it would be my fault I didn't show him the women I should have been and walked away or if my daughter comes to dinner with a black eye and says she fell I know it will be my fault. They make me very strong, but it is soo hard to sort things out in my brain because it has to be bottled up and enclosed. All of the feed back helps so much to clear my thoughts and guilt. Like I said I am completly new to this entire spectrum, I don't even drink, so for me to understand heroin addiction is completly out there all I know it what he told me.

1988July

I just have a hard time understanding how I went from the love of his life to someone that he could beat nearly unconcious then spit on... I don't understand how it works. I started calling 911 everytime he even threatened to hit me that way he couldnt take my phone while he was or after he did. I knew it would be worse after I called but I truelly thought one night it would be me or him and if it was me or him I wanted records of the abuse he is facing jailtime now for domestic assault in the 1st 2nd and 3rd degrees he has 6 charges out on him from me alone. I did hire him an attorney during one of his good strides that continuesly get him out of it but November will finally be his sentancing 3-4 years it was suppose to be in October but he got out of it. I am more and more hoping he goes to jail for simply the abuse he put me thru and less and less for sake of his sobriety and everyday it does get easier, the hard times where I am blue still come but they are few and far between. And oh my lord you guys have given me so much mental stability I can not believe it.

1988July

I needed to hear from people who knew. I honestly cannot thank all of you enough for every single one of your inputs and I am so glad I made the decissions I have. I cannot express enough how much all of you have helped. After reading the replies from this post and my last I feel sooo much better and even free. That may sound weird but I feel good and more confident in everything that I have done. The last few years of my life have been hell and I have tried to talk myself into believing that what happens only happens for a reason and you must take it in stride and be stronger and it was so hard for me to put this into logic and see how I was suppose to be stronger and learn from this and apply it but after hearing from all of you it is so comforting knowing that I am not the only one that has been here and knowing that just from hearing from you there is something beyond this and there is an outcome. Even if it is a message a few years from now or months to someone else that is going thru the same thing to tell him/her that everything will turn out and they were in the right and it is ok knowing now how it feels to be that person and have complete strangers guide me is logic enough. Thank you so much. I cannot help but feel like life is ok. I know I still need help and counseling of some sort because I don't want to repeat this situation in the future and I know I eventually have to confront the pts but for now all is well.:ghug3

hello-kitty

So 1988. Are you in a safe place now?

lightseeker

thinking about you and sending you prayers and good thoughts. Let us know how you are.