goldengirl3

I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 4.5 years. It has been a very rocky road. I have had issues with alcohol myself and have currently been sober for 6 weeks. I decided that I could no longer live the way I was living and am hoping I will succeed in making this a permanent change to my life.
Financially, mentally and physically I was drained. My boyfriend is angry that I have quit drinking. My boyfriend has expected me to meet all of his needs while I get very little, if anything in return. I am expected to spend every weekend with his drinking friends on a boat...they get drunk while I stay sober and drive us (my bf and I) home. Sunday is his day to veg on the couch and get drunk again. He starts at noon and passes out by 5. My weekends are spent doing what he and his friends want to do and I have nothing for myself even though I work hard and deserve my time as well.
My boyfriend drinks hard liquor everyday. About 10-12 crown on the rocks a day. By 7 PM he is usually completely inebriated. We have no bedroom life. The only time he is interested in me is in the mornings in which I am expected to "get him off" as he says. I have started to refuse because I feel like an object being used and this makes him angry. He says I am making excuses and that I am just bored. I have tried to tell him that his drunkness is the problem, he does not believe me. My boyfriend and I both make a lot of money. However, he admits that he has manipulated me into picking up more checks (very expensive checks) to help him pay for his own expenses. I cannot afford this and he is angry that I am not allowing myself to be manipulated for money. Everything is all about him all of the time. I have tried everything I could and realize this is a lost cause. Everything I say or do is ignored and does not get through to him.
Last week, I informed him that I have made the decision that I would no longer be getting drunk and that I feel better than I have in a long time. I informed him that I was not telling him that he cannot drink, but from now one when he chooses to become inebriated, that I will be going home. That I am willing to go boating with him, but if he is going to drink on the boat, that I will not be going. He was very very angry. I calmly told him that this was "for myself." He has angrily told me that he has a "little list" for me that I would like to read to me today. I already know some of this "list" and honestly I really don't want to hear it. It is a list of things that he wants me to do that I have pulled away from. Sex, boating, drinking, my inability to swim.... He blames me for these issues or expects me to bend into a pretzel to meet his needs and his friends' needs but does nothing in return and wants to stay inebriated all the time.

I do not wish to hear this list. I feel it is hurtful. What detached thing can I say to avoid hearing this list?

We will only argue and he isn't sane or sober enough to understand that I am not to blame for all of his problems.

Freedom1990

I guess my first question would be how important is your own sobriety and recovery to you?

I had to leave my EXAH for my own recovery, sanity, and safety.

I am sorry for your situation, but am so glad you found us here at SR!

Please continue to post, and know that you are among friends!

Still Waters

What are you getting out of this relationship goldengirl?

It might be that minus the drinking, you two have very little in common.

goldengirl3

Extremely. I don't have much of a choice. Last year I got "alcoholic hepatitis." It was the one of the most miserable
times of my life. (We had broken up for a while and were not together during that time.) I fell back to my old ways
eventually and a few months ago I started to feel "funny." I started to feel like I did last year when I got sick. I
decided that I needed to stop and there was no way I was going through that again. Other things occurred to contribute
to this decision. But it is a factor.

He is very angry about my stopping even though it is for this health issue. I feel like I am in the twilight zone
sometimes.

goldengirl3

Well I used to get a lot out of the relationship. But now I don't and that's why I'm here. We used to have a lot in common. Now we don't. You can't have anything in common with someone who doesn't do anything but get drunk and pass out, lol. Because they don't do anything.

goldengirl3

In other words, we used to play social sports together, we are in the same line of work and I used to work at his company. We used to go places and do things. Now we do nothing.

Still Waters

Maybe it's time to move on then? You can't force him to stop drinking and start doing things again, so...

meditation

The only thing I can consider is if you want to stay in this relationship is to just begin your life apart from him. Do things you enjoy, go places you want to go, get involved with things you are interested in doing. I live with a man that is not an alcoholic but yet works and then watches lots of TV. I realized if I want to live I have to do things I want for myself, otherwise my life would be watching him sleep and watching TV. So I have a million projects and I stay busy. The only other option at least for me would be to leave the marriage.

Chino

My husband is not an addict, but he does have many codie behaviors. My daughter is a recovering addict. When I first set boundaries for unacceptable behaviors, they both reacted badly. I told them I wasn't saying what they could or could not do, or what I wanted them to do for me. I told them they were free to do as they pleased for themselves and so was I.

I've had to hold firm to my boundaries and, after about a year, my husband seems to finally understand what respecting boundaries means. Like I said though, he's not an A. My daughter gets it because she found recovery and works her own program. Her life depends on boundaries and she knows that.

If you want to avoid his list, walking away is a simple solution. It could be out the door or into another room, whatever works for you at the time.

Good for you, taking responsibility and ownership for yourself

Freedom1990

One of my biggest fears that kept me stuck in unhealthy relationships for years and years was the fear of being alone.

I preferred the 'security' of a man in my life, regardless of how dysfunctional he was.

I actually threw 4 years clean/sober out the window while engaged in a relationship with someone else who was in recovery, but relapsed.

It wasn't worth it, and I was very lucky to make it back into recovery alive.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease if left untreated; it only gets worse, not better.

Is your own sobriety worth continued exposure to an actively alcoholic partner who has no desire for his own recovery?

It will wear you down. I speak from experience.

I'd highly recommend checking into Alanon meetings in your area for face-to-face support. Get your hands on a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood is another good book.

sailorjohn

So, what's preventing you from leaving?

As long as your boyfriend keeps doing what he's doing, the relationship will never improve.

This is my experience mind you, a good question to ask yourself, would you want to be in this relationship one year down the road, the way it is today?

So, how you 'handle' the alcoholic during detachment?

You don't. Detachment is drawing away from the life of the alcoholic/addict, and living your own.

Good Luck.

goldengirl3

It's not as simple as "just move on." We are in the same line of work. It is a big industry but small world. And I used to work at his company which is how we met. I tried to move on before, and he stalked me, endlessly harrasses me and BULLYs me. Sure I can get a restraining order, except that he does not beat me and I do not want these people that I used to work with knowing that all this drama is going on.

He keeps trying to tell me that I am the problem. I need to change. I need to do his little list. He is very controlling. I am to stay in the house with him every night as he watches his 3 tvs...I am not allowed to watch any shows for myself. If I read a book or use a laptop, he will scream at me trying to keep me engaged in his show. It is a prison. He tries to control what I eat as well. We can only eat what he wants. We can only spend time with his friends. If I even go to a department store, he will text my phone to ask where I "really went."

His friends will not help me. They only want their drinking buddy. Explaining things or arguing is to no avail.

I make my own money and do not need him. He seems to need me.

My speech to him last week was, "I am not telling you that you cannot drink. It's just that I am not drinking anymore and if you choose to get drunk, I will be going home." He is very angry about this.

goldengirl3

I am trying to distance myself and do other things. But he seems to think he owns me and I have no rights. I do not see how in any way I am trying to "make him do things." I'm trying to pull away and keep him from controlling me and further bullying me.

sailorjohn

Beg to differ, but it is just as simple as that, and most importantly, the only thing that works.

Read my posts here, I'm a poster child for trying to do it 'my way'.

My addict/alcoholic was different, I was different, I was special, my situation was special.

It's just the way it is, as the Buddhists say, 'as it is' or 'life on lifes terms', from the program.

You have absolutely no control over the choices he makes.

You are the only person that has any control over the choices you make.

I wish it were otherwise, I've tried every codie trick in the book, nothing works.

I really can't be a part of the solution to her problem, I can be a part of her problem.

laurie6781

Nope not a restraining order. You leave. If the behavior starts again you keep a journal, of every call, every ringing of your doorbell, every time he follows you. Within a week you should have enough to go to the police and file a STALKING charge. This is a very SERIOUS charge in most states these days.

He can be prosecuted for this and the penalties are pretty steep. Florida frowns seriously on STALKING.

You are free to leave and take care of you.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Still Waters

Sounds familiar. Control freak.

My AH was the same, except he also controlled the money. I got away with the clothes on my back, lost everything I owned, everything I worked for. Mine also said it was all me, and had a list of things I needed to change.

These types don't get better goldengirl, it only escalates.

goldengirl3

Still Waters: What response would you give? "I'm sorry but I am not interested in your list."

I'm not good at this. Everytime I think I have a strong wall up, he does or says something that completely knocks me on my a$$. He is really good at it. I've said things before that you would think he would just walk away from (like a gentle break-up statement) and then I find myself out in a parking lot being screamed at and given a list of things that are wrong with me. I need brief unarguable things to say.

goldengirl3

Still Waters: He has been screaming at me to "bring me your bank statements!" I have refused. And no I do not owe him any money or ANYTHING. For some reason he has decided he wants control over that now.

sailorjohn

And you say those magic words, and what exactly do you think the outcome will be.

"Gee honey, you're absolutely right, how could I have been so blind/stupid/insane"

Borrowing from Toby Rice Drews, trying to reason with an active alcoholic/addict is like trying to reason with an insane person.

But these are lessons you need to learn-as we all did-with your own experience.

Good Luck.

mercury44

It's always "US" that is to blame....they are unable to look inside themselves and see the real issue. Please think about yourself Goldengirl...you do not deserve to be living like this. {HUGS}