Jamison

I hope I am posting this in the right forum.

I see an addictions counselor and am going to AA meetings.

I went to a women's only open meeting and it reminded me of those "cliques" back in highschool and apparently I didn't fit in.
Never got approached by any one or had anyone offer me their number

Today I went to a different meeting, a closed men & women meeting.
I really liked this one because they all seem so dedicated to their recovery.
But yet again I introduced myself as a newcomer & alcoholic, but no one really talked to me after the meeting except one woman I knew from somewhere else.
I had to ask her for her number.

Am I doing something wrong or can someone in AA give me some tips?

I really like AA and have been reading the Big Book....but I feel like such an AA reject now

I won't drink over it nor stop going to meetings, but it don't help that people avoid me.

I know I am responsible for staying sober, I had just thought I would have found some support by now.

Thanks.

Harry01854

I had the same experience when I came back this time. Would reach my hand out and introduce myself as a newcomer. Didn't seem like too many people were too concerned about the newcomer. Took a little while but eventually an oldtimer gave me a suggestion on getting a sponsor. The suggestion was to listen to different people for a little while at meetings, especially open discussion meetings. Told me that when I found one that I could relate to in some way and he had something I wanted, to ask him to be my sponsor.

As I started working the Steps, I was working on Step 4 and my sponsor suggested for me to go up to newcomers and introduce myself and hand out my telephone number. And if I was asked to be their sponsor, not to turn it down, for I could still work with him to some extent with the Steps.

But early in recovery, I had to ask a lot of questions at mettings, if they were open discussion. Before and after meetings if they were speaker meetings, which the majority were. But if somebody had something to say that got my attention, I would approach them and introduce myself and start asking questions.

To me, I wanted some thing better than what I had and went to any lengths to get it. I just asserted myself.

Don't give up. Things do get better.

Harry

LuckyDrunk

I had this a lot when I was first coming around. I found that raising my hand saying I was new to AA and specifically saying that I was looking for phone numbers helped, especially at beginner meetings.
Also, if someone spoke at a meeting and I liked what they had to say I'd approach them after the meeting, tell them I liked what they said, that I was new to AA, and didn't really know what to do.

Keep at it and good luck!

keithj

Some groups, and people, are better about this than others. We all get caught up in our own stuff, get cliquey, and can neglect this important responsibility to the newcomer.

I came to accept that I have a perception problem. When people are just going about their lives, I somehow read all sorts of intent into their actions that they are oblivious to.

If the group is dedicated to recovery, and they are talking about the solution contained in the BB, then hang on to it for dear life. Take the initiative and get to know them.

DayTrader

Same thing happened to me basically.

I'm with Keith. I KNEW I had to get this and get plugged in.....and since nobody was coming up to me I was faced with that age-old question: die an alcoholic death or live on a spiritual basis.....and I needed help figuring out how to live on a spiritual basis....so I started talking to them whether I thought they liked it or not.

Turns out, everyone was cool but they were just shy - I can identify.

If your recovery is as important to you as it should be ( ), then you HAVE to make the first move since they aren't.

Jfanagle

I was in a meeting last night that is primarily populated by folks with 10 years or more, although there are a few with less time. A newcomer came in and was obviously uncomfortable. Introduced himself, but sat at the back and as it was a 12 and 12 study group everyone is invited to read a paragraph and then sharing begins after the step or tradition is read.

Our new man was very shy and passed on sharing, but at the end of the meeting the leader asked him if he would tell us a little about himself. He began slowly and then it poured out. Guess what? He was a miserable, lost drunk!

After the meeting there was almost a line of us welcoming him and offering numbers and any other help that he might want.

I left feeling very good and as I read your post today it dawned on me that it would be hard as a newcomer to ask, but if I may suggest, perhaps when you introduce yourself in the next meeting you could add; "I AM NEW AND I HAVEN'T REALLY HAD TOO MANY FOLKS TELL ME HOW THEY ARE DOING THIS AA THING. I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE ANYONE'S SUGGESTIONS AFTER THIS MEETING IF YOU HAVE A FEW MINUTES TO SPARE FOR A NEWCOMER!"

If they don't talk with you after that plea, find another meeting and try the same thing there as well. You WILL find the right people. Sorry if we who came before you forget just how difficult the beginning is, but a small heartfelt speech may just remind us.

Best of luck and keep coming back no matter what,

Jon

Jamison

Thanks for the replies.

Can I keep saying I am a newcomer every time the chair person asks if there are any newcomers? :P

I will search out people and say something to the effect of what Jon suggested.

No..no self pity (though I have been there lots of times) just determination to get rolling

Not giving up on my sobriety

Thanks.

Taking5

The next time the chair asks for newcomers say you are one and that you need to meet people for support and/or sponsorship and that so far you are disappointed that you have not. In other words be honest.

firestorm090

I still call myself a newcomer, and it feels right to me. I guess I'll keep doing that till I feel like an oldtimer, but then again, maybe I'll just stay a newcomer so I don't feel so old, lol.

CarolD

Welcome back to SR....

What worked best for me ... getting acquainted
is arriving early and staying later.

If the meeting room needs setting up and/or
tearing down...your extra hands are appreciated.

If not....please do go and share your concerns.

Good times to ask questions...or invite another
woman for coffee and talk.

Glad to see you again.....

CAPTAINZING2000

I still feel like a newcommer at several meetings if, I've got the least amount of time there

You didn't mention the size of the group at the meeting you attended. There's a few meetings I've attended like that where people are so used to not having someone new they might appear to not care etc.

Luckily enough for all of us, AA is found everywhere across the globe. People from all walks a life attend meetings. Go to enough meetings, you'll find several people you can connect with.
I've suggested this on occasion that we have one person at a meeting make sure to welcome anyone coming inside for the first time to make them feel at ease.

The first few years had I not went to a lot of meetings, I don't know if, I'd still be sober today.


Good luck to you in your recovery

shaun00

i had to opposite......i didnt want to make friends..lol.lol.

In my experience not all AA meeting are like those you attended.

Something important keith mentioned which is worth mentioning...your perception of it may not be the total reality..

remember this experience.......for when a newcomer walks into your home group.

NewGrowth

I had trouble with that too. I would go home and bawl after every meeting, wondering what was so wrong with me that no one would even look at me- even after saying I was new. Many rough nights spent in pain, when I didn't have to.

One meeting I finally had enough and stood up and said "I'm scared- I'm lonely and I have no one to talk to and I AM SICK OF THIS!". I asked for help and I received it.

I thought people didn't like me- turns out most of them saw how nervous/upset I was and didn't want to spook me or make me run. Two months later- I now have many people to talk to and hang out with at meetings. It just took me being able to be honest about how scared I was and how lonely- AA took over from there. I just needed to stand up I suppose

Chops

Lol, the last thing I wanted was anyone coming near me, in fact I made a concentrated effort to have my body language reflect that. It never worked, damn AA people were always so friendly to me:-) They broke me down and took me along.

I completely concur with previous posters in that perception of reality and reality is not always what it seems. I hate to admit it but I tend to read into all kinds of things and make something from nothing. But there are snobby groups out there, in my experience they are the exception and not the rule.