I Just Need to Vent
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
I Just Need to Vent
Okay, happy Monday, yeah right. I just need to get this off my chest or I feel like I’m going to scream so loud that my lungs will pop. I haven’t posted in a while, have been lurking here and there, not sure where time goes lately.
Well, the 10 months of sobriety that my sister had endured went out the door this past weekend, though of course, she denies emphatically (ah, the traits of the secret drinker). During these past months when she has been sober, we’ve re-established our relationship as brother and sister and I was thanking God every day for having my little sister back. She was open and honest about her alcoholism, her treatment, and her participation in AA. She even kept her sense of humor about it, endured a few family weddings this summer (with one being at a vineyard of all places) and stayed sober during all of this. When she started looking for work, I even went as far as pulling a few strings to get her an interview with the large organization I work for and she did get the position (in customer service, where she has worked many jobs in the past). She really enjoyed the job, the company, and the people she worked with, she kept thanking me and I kept telling her, she got the job, I just opened the door for her interview.
So, to make a long story short, for the past few weeks, I’ve been working over at my Mom’s house (where sis also lives) prepping the house for painting (sanding, stripping gutters, etc.). Sis has been pitching in (along with our energetic 74 year old Mom) as well and we’ve had some good laughs on supply runs, taking breaks between work, etc. So, I’m over working this past Saturday morning. We take a smoke break around 10 and she’s talking about some incident that happened at work earlier in the week with a new boss. I’m listening, she tells me how she is training on taking calls (she works in a large doctors office). At one point in the morning, she grabbed a bagel and had it sitting on her desk and between calls, she would take a bite here and there. She got up to file something, came back, and the bagel was gone. Her new boss comes by later and states she can’t eat while she is on the phone, blah, blah, blah. Okay, innocent enough, she could have said she wasn’t eating while on phone, it won’t happen again, whatever. I didn’t think much of it, just telling her that some bosses are micro managers, control freaks, etc. I didn’t really think much about it and went back to work.
About an hour and a half later, another break. We’re sitting there talking and she starts on again about the “bagel incident”. As she is talking about it again, I start picking up on the drinking signs. At first, I think it is a dry drunk thing, or she didn’t take her insulin that morning, but it’s crossing my mind. But she is going on about how this boss picked up the bagel because she think’s my sister is fat (she isn’t) and it was her way of telling her to lay off the food. Then she starts going on how their neighbor didn’t wave to her the other day when she saw him, that he doesn’t like her. At that point, I’m in denial, no way she is drinking, I’m going back to work.
So, I’m up on the ladder stripping the gutters with a grinder, noisy and dusty and she going in and out of the house, kind of wandering around (she was sanding windows in the front of the house). Then she asks me to look at the sander, it isn’t working right. I go up there and at that point, I look at her and she is freaking drunk, wobbling, slurring her words, we all know the signs. I look at the sander, no sandpaper, which she has been working this thing for a few weeks now, then look at the wood and it is all gouged up, the effect of sanding wood with a sander without sandpaper. I just look at her and then she pulls the “what, why are you looking at me that way”. I just said you’re not fooling me and then the dramatics start, she storms off and barricades herself in her room. I say f*ck it, go back to work, focusing on the three C’s, praying to God that she calls her sponsor, goes to a meeting, etc. I know of course, her alcoholic routine. When starts to binge, she locks herself in her room with the old “stomach flu” routine to keep everyone away. Of course, when I show up yesterday morning to work, I ask Mom where is sis, she states “stomach flu”, which Mom, of course believes.
I just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know she probably will blow off work today or show up and drink on the job, but I don’t know that and can’t worry about what I can’t control. The weird part, it was her birthday last week and I just gave her a Visa gift card, she probably blew that on vodka, but now I’m over analyzing as usual. When we were off to the hardware store last week, she was telling me on the ride how she was working on Step 4. She was stating how she was having a hard time with that, because she said there wasn’t any psychological reason why she drank, she said she just liked to party and have a good time and it was unfortunate that she had the gene to become an alcoholic. I just made the comment that she wasn’t partying the last 10 years, that she was holing up in her room by herself, drinking herself to death and nearly dying twice, what kind of having a good time is that?
Okay, I’ve vented enough; I know it is out of my hands, that it is up to a Higher power to help her, as well as her helping herself. I know that a relapse can happen, I’m very aware of it. I know I can’t control the situation, I can’t cure it, that she needs to do this, again. Thanks all for listening, I just had to clear my mind and thoughts. I just pray to God that this doesn’t escalate to the point where she is near death again like last year (on two occasions), I don’t know how much more her body can take from her drinking.
Well, the 10 months of sobriety that my sister had endured went out the door this past weekend, though of course, she denies emphatically (ah, the traits of the secret drinker). During these past months when she has been sober, we’ve re-established our relationship as brother and sister and I was thanking God every day for having my little sister back. She was open and honest about her alcoholism, her treatment, and her participation in AA. She even kept her sense of humor about it, endured a few family weddings this summer (with one being at a vineyard of all places) and stayed sober during all of this. When she started looking for work, I even went as far as pulling a few strings to get her an interview with the large organization I work for and she did get the position (in customer service, where she has worked many jobs in the past). She really enjoyed the job, the company, and the people she worked with, she kept thanking me and I kept telling her, she got the job, I just opened the door for her interview.
So, to make a long story short, for the past few weeks, I’ve been working over at my Mom’s house (where sis also lives) prepping the house for painting (sanding, stripping gutters, etc.). Sis has been pitching in (along with our energetic 74 year old Mom) as well and we’ve had some good laughs on supply runs, taking breaks between work, etc. So, I’m over working this past Saturday morning. We take a smoke break around 10 and she’s talking about some incident that happened at work earlier in the week with a new boss. I’m listening, she tells me how she is training on taking calls (she works in a large doctors office). At one point in the morning, she grabbed a bagel and had it sitting on her desk and between calls, she would take a bite here and there. She got up to file something, came back, and the bagel was gone. Her new boss comes by later and states she can’t eat while she is on the phone, blah, blah, blah. Okay, innocent enough, she could have said she wasn’t eating while on phone, it won’t happen again, whatever. I didn’t think much of it, just telling her that some bosses are micro managers, control freaks, etc. I didn’t really think much about it and went back to work.
About an hour and a half later, another break. We’re sitting there talking and she starts on again about the “bagel incident”. As she is talking about it again, I start picking up on the drinking signs. At first, I think it is a dry drunk thing, or she didn’t take her insulin that morning, but it’s crossing my mind. But she is going on about how this boss picked up the bagel because she think’s my sister is fat (she isn’t) and it was her way of telling her to lay off the food. Then she starts going on how their neighbor didn’t wave to her the other day when she saw him, that he doesn’t like her. At that point, I’m in denial, no way she is drinking, I’m going back to work.
So, I’m up on the ladder stripping the gutters with a grinder, noisy and dusty and she going in and out of the house, kind of wandering around (she was sanding windows in the front of the house). Then she asks me to look at the sander, it isn’t working right. I go up there and at that point, I look at her and she is freaking drunk, wobbling, slurring her words, we all know the signs. I look at the sander, no sandpaper, which she has been working this thing for a few weeks now, then look at the wood and it is all gouged up, the effect of sanding wood with a sander without sandpaper. I just look at her and then she pulls the “what, why are you looking at me that way”. I just said you’re not fooling me and then the dramatics start, she storms off and barricades herself in her room. I say f*ck it, go back to work, focusing on the three C’s, praying to God that she calls her sponsor, goes to a meeting, etc. I know of course, her alcoholic routine. When starts to binge, she locks herself in her room with the old “stomach flu” routine to keep everyone away. Of course, when I show up yesterday morning to work, I ask Mom where is sis, she states “stomach flu”, which Mom, of course believes.
I just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know she probably will blow off work today or show up and drink on the job, but I don’t know that and can’t worry about what I can’t control. The weird part, it was her birthday last week and I just gave her a Visa gift card, she probably blew that on vodka, but now I’m over analyzing as usual. When we were off to the hardware store last week, she was telling me on the ride how she was working on Step 4. She was stating how she was having a hard time with that, because she said there wasn’t any psychological reason why she drank, she said she just liked to party and have a good time and it was unfortunate that she had the gene to become an alcoholic. I just made the comment that she wasn’t partying the last 10 years, that she was holing up in her room by herself, drinking herself to death and nearly dying twice, what kind of having a good time is that?
Okay, I’ve vented enough; I know it is out of my hands, that it is up to a Higher power to help her, as well as her helping herself. I know that a relapse can happen, I’m very aware of it. I know I can’t control the situation, I can’t cure it, that she needs to do this, again. Thanks all for listening, I just had to clear my mind and thoughts. I just pray to God that this doesn’t escalate to the point where she is near death again like last year (on two occasions), I don’t know how much more her body can take from her drinking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: central texas
Posts: 146
I'm so sorry the she seems to have relapsed. Keep praying, it works. I think that you are on the right track as far as how you are dealing with the situation. She has to do this, fail or fly , on her own.
You sound like a great big brother, makes me lonely for mine. H
You sound like a great big brother, makes me lonely for mine. H
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
Prayer is a must, it helps so much. I'm not sure about great brother, just one who loves her and cares what happens to her.
Thanks for the kind words and you have many brothers and sisters here on the SR, this I have found out since I've been coming here, we are all here for each other through good and bad.
Thanks for the kind words and you have many brothers and sisters here on the SR, this I have found out since I've been coming here, we are all here for each other through good and bad.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
Originally Posted by Still Waters 
Well heck yeah you can't control it or cure it, but why do we always need to be in the front seat watching it??
Ugh.
So sorry you're having to witness all this Dreamstones.
Ugh.
So sorry you're having to witness all this Dreamstones.
You know what is really ironic about all this? I'm 46 this year. My AF was 46 when he died. At this time of year 23 years ago, he and I were painting the same house, though his drinking had him in and out of hospital where he ended up catching viral menigitis and died. It's like I'm watching this same horror movie again...
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I used to think that "sickness" meant broken bones, cancer, colds & flus, heart disease, diabetes, things like that. The older I get, I realize that "sickness" is so much more. At this stage of the game, I am beginning to think that the world has more brain sickness such as depression, anxiety, personality disorders, bipolar, alcoholism & addiction, etc than physical illnesses. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the information I get from everyone in my life, friends, family, co-workers, people here on SR, stuff I read about in the news, at how everyone seems to be struggling with these issues, either with themselves or with a family member. So when the alcoholism and other mental illnesses in my family rear their ugly heads, I try to keep it in this perspective; that we are ALL of us, ALL of humanity struggling with these things. It's not just us.
I am so grateful that I have a place like SR where I can come and share and keep things in perspective for myself. Thanks for sharing dreamstones.
I am so grateful that I have a place like SR where I can come and share and keep things in perspective for myself. Thanks for sharing dreamstones.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
And in the back of my mind I'd be thinking thoughts that would then make me feel incredibly guilty.
Are you getting any support other than from here at SR dreamstones? A local al-Anon meeting or some face to face time with a counselor that specializes in addictions would be very very helpful for you, in my opinion.
Are you getting any support other than from here at SR dreamstones? A local al-Anon meeting or some face to face time with a counselor that specializes in addictions would be very very helpful for you, in my opinion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
I used to think that "sickness" meant broken bones, cancer, colds & flus, heart disease, diabetes, things like that. The older I get, I realize that "sickness" is so much more. At this stage of the game, I am beginning to think that the world has more brain sickness such as depression, anxiety, personality disorders, bipolar, alcoholism & addiction, etc than physical illnesses. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the information I get from everyone in my life, friends, family, co-workers, people here on SR, stuff I read about in the news, at how everyone seems to be struggling with these issues, either with themselves or with a family member. So when the alcoholism and other mental illnesses in my family rear their ugly heads, I try to keep it in this perspective; that we are ALL of us, ALL of humanity struggling with these things. It's not just us.
I am so grateful that I have a place like SR where I can come and share and keep things in perspective for myself. Thanks for sharing dreamstones.
I am so grateful that I have a place like SR where I can come and share and keep things in perspective for myself. Thanks for sharing dreamstones.
What a great point Learn2Live. Yes, all of the other issues that I know family and friends suffer regarding mental issues seems rampant, so keeping perspective is key...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
Originally Posted by Still Waters
And in the back of my mind I'd be thinking thoughts that would then make me feel incredibly guilty.
Are you getting any support other than from here at SR dreamstones? A local al-Anon meeting or some face to face time with a counselor that specializes in addictions would be very very helpful for you, in my opinion.
Are you getting any support other than from here at SR dreamstones? A local al-Anon meeting or some face to face time with a counselor that specializes in addictions would be very very helpful for you, in my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Palm Springs, Ca
Posts: 24
I am new to this, and am wondering how I can love and hate the same person so freaking much.
I feel your pain. Good luck to you, and thank you for the vent. It helps me to not feel as alone because all I feel like these days is one giant ball of rage.
I feel your pain. Good luck to you, and thank you for the vent. It helps me to not feel as alone because all I feel like these days is one giant ball of rage.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
hey dreamstones--
gaaaaaaah - I have been in that same spot w/ my brothers...it can be especially hard after what seems like a serious move towards recovery, and the first time that happened I really got depressed and wrapped up in the drama...
Now that I've been through that cycle more than once I remember something I heard at a meeting - each episode of recovery plants a little more "bright side" in their minds, and gives them a few more tools to work with if they choose recovery again.
I also get much less excited by a glimpse of recovery. I try to maintain an even keel and keep my expectations and excitement in check!
It is sad though, and doubly sad about your dad and the cycle repeating itself. I hope you find some peace of mind soon.
Peace-
B
gaaaaaaah - I have been in that same spot w/ my brothers...it can be especially hard after what seems like a serious move towards recovery, and the first time that happened I really got depressed and wrapped up in the drama...
Now that I've been through that cycle more than once I remember something I heard at a meeting - each episode of recovery plants a little more "bright side" in their minds, and gives them a few more tools to work with if they choose recovery again.
I also get much less excited by a glimpse of recovery. I try to maintain an even keel and keep my expectations and excitement in check!
It is sad though, and doubly sad about your dad and the cycle repeating itself. I hope you find some peace of mind soon.
Peace-
B
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
Thank you all, you really helped me move forward, though it be baby steps, in dealing with this once again. Bernadette, great words of wisdom regarding the "bright side" steps, as well as not getting too hyped up regarding recovery. I know it isn't a fault free process and I don't need to drive myself "off the cliff" if it happens again.
wntsluv2beit, yes, the rage and anger is a large part of disease that we get "stuck" with. Perhaps this is a terrible analogy, but it's like we are taking the chemo to help a loved one recover from cancer. For the past 4 days, I kept saying f*ck it, I'm done with her, I don't want to deal with her anymore, but what is that going to solve? Throw more fuel on the fire? We've been supporting her during her recovery and if we bail, then what's next? Then again, where does the line get drawn in the sand? A good friend of mine, whose brother was an addict, blew every chance he was offered by their family and finally showed up at there doorstep when he was dying, so how do you deal with those emotions as well??? No, it isn't easy.
wntsluv2beit, yes, the rage and anger is a large part of disease that we get "stuck" with. Perhaps this is a terrible analogy, but it's like we are taking the chemo to help a loved one recover from cancer. For the past 4 days, I kept saying f*ck it, I'm done with her, I don't want to deal with her anymore, but what is that going to solve? Throw more fuel on the fire? We've been supporting her during her recovery and if we bail, then what's next? Then again, where does the line get drawn in the sand? A good friend of mine, whose brother was an addict, blew every chance he was offered by their family and finally showed up at there doorstep when he was dying, so how do you deal with those emotions as well??? No, it isn't easy.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by wntsluv2beit
I am new to this, and am wondering how I can love and hate the same person so freaking much.
I feel your pain. Good luck to you, and thank you for the vent. It helps me to not feel as alone because all I feel like these days is one giant ball of rage.
I feel your pain. Good luck to you, and thank you for the vent. It helps me to not feel as alone because all I feel like these days is one giant ball of rage.
He said early in his recovery, before his wife got sober, he used to view her as having two heads, one was her and the other was the disease. He was able to love her and hate the disease at the same time.
And to Dreamstones, BTDT with the rage. When I first got to Alanon all I could feel was fear and rage. It will get better.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
Thanks Coyote.
It probably isn't rage as much as total disappointment. Perhaps since this was her first extended attempt at sobriety, I thought we turned the corner, but that is what happens when you wear rose colored glasses at times. I think if anything, this experience prepared me for the future when dealing with sis.
It probably isn't rage as much as total disappointment. Perhaps since this was her first extended attempt at sobriety, I thought we turned the corner, but that is what happens when you wear rose colored glasses at times. I think if anything, this experience prepared me for the future when dealing with sis.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
Update:
I've been meaning to post, an unexpected death (not substance related) of my wife's sister a few weeks ago has hit us all hard, we are just starting to pick up the pieces.
After this vent/rant posting about 6 weeks ago, here is what happend. Sis ended up in hospital again, combination of diabetes and bad liver, it only took a few days of drinking to hit that stage fast. Nobody visited her, nobody picked her up from hospital, the next steps were up to her. She took the right steps and went to an AA meeting right away. She hit a "bump" in road as she said, which is fine, we all make mistakes. I told her if anything, she just scared the hell out of us all and that we love her. She knows she is an alcohlic, she knows she has a long way to go, but is praying and putting her faith in God to help her live day to day sober.
I thank God she accepts her disease and taking it a day at a time.
Thank you all for you thoughts, prayers, and support. May God bless you all!
I've been meaning to post, an unexpected death (not substance related) of my wife's sister a few weeks ago has hit us all hard, we are just starting to pick up the pieces.
After this vent/rant posting about 6 weeks ago, here is what happend. Sis ended up in hospital again, combination of diabetes and bad liver, it only took a few days of drinking to hit that stage fast. Nobody visited her, nobody picked her up from hospital, the next steps were up to her. She took the right steps and went to an AA meeting right away. She hit a "bump" in road as she said, which is fine, we all make mistakes. I told her if anything, she just scared the hell out of us all and that we love her. She knows she is an alcohlic, she knows she has a long way to go, but is praying and putting her faith in God to help her live day to day sober.
I thank God she accepts her disease and taking it a day at a time.
Thank you all for you thoughts, prayers, and support. May God bless you all!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
