rkendrot

Well I am unsure of where to start, but I am getting weary and tired of dealing with my dad's alcohol and drug use problem. This is a long thread, but please read it all the way through. I need some suggestions! My dad has had 4 DWI's, 2 of which were within 1 year apart. He has lost his license and has completed 1 year of jail time. He is not on probation. He lost his job about a year ago and began the use of crack last summer. He ended up owing 1700.00 on his mobile home as well as owing the phone and electric service. My dad almost lost his mobile home and had his utility services shut off. I ended up purchasing the mobile home, but I had to pay the back rent on it. I did not give my dad all of the money at once for fear of him spending it on his substances. I did not pay the utility bills either. I ended up putting the utilities into my own name. He does need money for food and rent. However, this payment plan ends in January. He has not looked for a job and is working for a friend of his as an appliance technician. He is also living in a garage for a rental payment rather than looking for a place to stay. He had the opportunity to visit a female friend in Ohio who is well grounded and I hoped that my dad would not pull any of his nonsense while visiting and hoped he would straighten up. I just found out that he has been buying 12 packs of beer out of spending money that I gave him. This is money from the sale of the trailor. I feel that I am enabling his behavior with this money that he is receiving from me for the sale of the trailor. I told him that if he plans to buy drugs or alcohol with it that I will not give him the money right now. Of course he became demanding and nasty with me over the phone. I am looking for some suggestions of how to handle this situation. I have asked him if he feels he needs professional help with his addiction to crack as well as alcohol, but he claims he can quit whenever he wants to. I do not believe him. He refuses to get help and he refuses to go to social services for financial help as well. I am unable to support my dad financially and I have already loaned him money in previous years, but I am getting this money back through the mobile home purchase. I will not loan my dad any more money. My dad's family has also loaned him money in the past and they have offered him to visit them years ago. He has family in various states. Some of his brothers have shut my dad out, but 2 of them do converse with my dad. But it seems they have their own lives going on and do not want to be interrupted until my dad demonstrates that he will stop his nonsense. Yet I get stuck dealing with my dad "head on". I am getting to the point that I do not want to be involved with his life right now. I always thought he has hit bottom, but I guess not. I am open to any suggestions and comments. My email address is [email protected]. Thank You.

boo

((((Hugs))))) I am sorry to hear that you are so stressed and upset by your dad's behavior. i am pretty new here still, and I know what you mean about thinking a person has hit rock bottom only to go through yet another incident and another.

The members here will tell you to look after you. So, that is my advice too. For me, I am still figuring out how to do that in the midst of being affected by A's behavior. I don't think it will be easy and for you, it is your dad. Can he get into treatment?

Please keep coming back. Everyone is really helpful here and you will find that a lot of people have experienced a lot of the trauma that you are going through. I am finding it is really helpful to have support. I hope things will get better for you and your dad.

Vampgirl

I'm sending hugs and good wishes to you too,I am so sorry you're going through such a difficult time right now.
I would say that the most important thing to do is to get to some live al-anon meetings and to put the focus on you.
My sponsor used to say to me that I should only give money/help/things to people if they were "for fun and for free"...ie if I could give that money and then completely "let go" of what the other person did with it and how they spent it(even if I did'nt "approve") with no resentment,then fine...If not,I should'nt give it...
I also can't count the number of alcoholics that I've heard say "If one more person had helped me,I'd be dead"...I am not telling you what to do,just passing on some things that were told to me.
I hope you'll be able to make some meetings and be able to take care of yourself first,because you're worth it!...I've done a lot of parenting my parents and it's really hard to let go of doing that to take care of me.
Take care,Vampy

TinyOne

Rkendrot-

Okay, I have an idea. First of all, my heart goes out to you, for having to become the 'parent' to your own parent when it is not the result of old age but rather their mistakes.

You bought the trailer for 'Y'. My idea would be to take Y-1700-$$back taxes-$$given to Dad already=?.

The ? represents monies still owed your Dad. (Hope you followed that!) Give it to him. Tell him that is the end of the money train. This is if you can afford to give him the money all at once without hurting yourself financially. If you can't-don't!

I really think doling the money out a little at a time seems to keep you tied too much to what Dad is doing on any given day. I realize that giving him the lump sum all at once (only if you can afford it) seems scary--you might think something awful will happen to him, but there are detox and rehab centers that take in homeless and/or people with no insurance.

He won't go for help until he wants help. Perhaps letting him spend all his money will be a wake up call for him. As it is now, he knows once he spends that certain amount there is more 'due' him.

Just a thought. In the meantime please keep posting.

rkendrot

Thank you to those who have replied to my message. I greatly appreciate all of the advice. One of the things that I thought of was just giving my dad the money owed to him and let go. I like the idea of attending an Al non meeting as well. Thanks again and I will update the situation as time goes on. My dad does not want help right now. I have suggested various places for him to attend, but he refuses to get help for himself even if it is "free". Thank you for the hugs and all of your support and taking the time to read through the thread I posted.
Sincerely,
RKendrot