Babyblue

Ok I read lots of posts about the angry drinker, the abuser, the slimeball but what about the squishy mushy overly loving drinker who charms you so that he knows he has you and then does or says stupid sh*t to remind you that you are dealing with someone who can't grasp what love really is about.

Can't give you what you need, will never be there for you, couldn't buy you an item on the dollar menu let alone take you out to a nice restaurant. Etc. Etc. I know all this. Then a few silky, seductive words out of him and my better judgement and reason goes out the window. Then I get angry at myself for falling for it over and over.

Does he even mean those things? I want to believe that somewhere deep in there he is crazy about me or is he just crazy? To be fair he was sweet to me when sober but I always felt he was holding back. Is it naive of me to want to believe the lovey dovey stuff when he is clearly under the influence?

missb89

IMHO I think it is used just to keep you hooked, not out of sincerity. If I told my XABF it was okay for him to drink that weekend (I know, I thought I had it under control) he would suck up to me the whole night. "You're so great baby, love you so much, quack quack quack." Sometimes it would even be said in a taunting way "But baby I L00o0o0ove you." Makes me sick to think about it now, it was just another one of his ways to mold me into the woman that would give him whatever he wanted at the time.

dollydo

I think most of them should be on a soap opera! All the phoney stuff my exabf said to me to get what he wanted, boy, for a short time he had me fooled...then I woke up!

fourmaggie

can you picture all of the alkies on the SOAP OPERA....I dont think they would be able to keep standing up, never mind saying their lines...LOL

Lola1024

Oh yes soap opera is very accurate. My xabf had the same speeches over and over again. I love you so much, your my soul mate, loves conquers all, you are so beautiful, I miss you so much.... blah blah blah.....always when tanked and always laced with why don't YOU love me that much? He saw himself as sooooooo romantic... GAG ... like a poorly written greeting card. Sadly his actions never matched his words.

Watch the hips and not the lips. Actions do not lie.

missb89

He was so sure I was his soulmate too. I wonder how many soulmates one man can possibly have? Haha, I'm sure there's another one by now. Actually, I'm not quite so sure my particular one has a soul.

transformyself

Every person is different. Even alcoholics. Yes, some behavior is predictable amongst all sub-groups of society; women, men, tuba players, attorneys.

I asked myself these same questions about my AH again and again. Received different answers. Believed different things at different times. Kept spinning it around in my head. Does he love me? Any crumb tossed my way sent my hopes soaring. I was conditioned to accept those crumbs during my childhood in an alcoholic home. Took a long time to figure that one out and stop beating myself up about it.

It wasn't until I started examining myself, trying to understand myself and heal myself that I experience relief. Then I started to obtain solid answers.

I think it was easier for me to analyze AH for so long, try to change him. Safer. But since I"ve started down that path of focusing on myself, it's been hard to go back.

HurtingAgain

That's the kind of guy my AH is too, and it makes it so much harder to break away from them. He's never raised a hand to me, rarely gets angry, and will pretty much agree to anything I want. He makes all sorts of proclamations about how I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, he can't imagine his life without me in it, he's the luckiest man on earth, etc., yet I haven't received a birthday, anniversary, or Christmas gift in years, and God forbid I should ask him to take me out or spend some time with all of us as a family.

I've put up with it for so long because he still provides well for us, tells me he loves me all the time, and I know my kids and I aren't in any physical danger. But I'm very slowing starting to realize that all those loving words aren't enough anymore since they're not backed up by action.

SoloMio

See, I identify with this... my AH is the Master Manipulator. At one point recently I told him I didn't want him calling anyone "Babe" anymore--because that's what he does--he flirts, he calls everyone "Babe," whether she's 20 or 70... or inbetween (like me). I see people just eat it up. And I have to admit, boy, way down where the rubber meets the road, it's nice to be told you're a babe, even if you know it's just a ploy by a narcissistic alcoholic.

But get real--it's just part of his game. Once you're secure in yourself, you don't need other people to fawn, or pretend to fawn. I'd rather be who I KNOW I am than the BS person that he says I am.


BTW, Hurtingagain, I so relate to what you said--but can't send you a "thanks" bc for some reason it's not showing up on your post.

phineas

I'm not going to demonize her. Yes, she is an alcoholic, and a troubled person, but she loved me dearly, and she still does. The addiction was stronger than her, and I know that it broke her heart that she couldn't give me what I needed.
She was a manipulator, as part of the addiction, but I know her feelings for me were sincere.

groybin

BabyBlue.. my XABF did similar things too.
Under the influence, he was sweet, sentimental, often mushy. He always drank alone so he would began his pursuit of me through emails and texts.
At first, I was so happy to hear those wonderful things. But when I went to his place to see him, he was flat-out drunk: swaggering, reeking of alcohol, sweaty and gross.
He would try to get amorous, but it was laughable since he couldn't perform.

The day after would bring embarassment and humiliation. I was livid.

He then got smart and just texted when he was drunk: no calls, no asking me to come over anymore. He knew he would have hell to pay the next day.

It got to the point where I stopped responding to any of his calls, texts, emails...because I just didn't know if he was drunk or sober.

The end finally came for me when I changed my phone number. I was tired of him disrupting my peace of mind with his drunk declarations of love, longing, and loneliness.

DesertEyes

My ex was like that. Not at all a mean person. I think she was just a regular human being who was many things. A mom, a grandma, an employee, a wife, a daughter. And also a pill addict. I have no doubt at all that she was crazy for me. Problem is she was also "just crazy". She was both. Sometimes at the same time.

That's the thing about addiction. There's no easy answers or black-and-white solutions. Which is what my "codie brain" wants to find. Our marriage was going along just fine the first 15 years or so 'till she got on the pain pills. Very defintely almost pure "white". Then things changed little by little. Never totally black, which is what I used to fool myself into denial. By the time I woke up from the denail it was well into checkerboard territory.

Boundaries is what helped me. Sitting down with a sponsor and working out exactly what behavior I was willing to live with and which I was not. Listening to other guys who were further along in their recovery, or in their own codie-ism, was also a huge help as I could see what my future would be.... depending on my choices.

Yes, my ex was crazy for me. No doubt. But she was _also_ crazy for her pills and for other womens husbands. My boundary is that I cannot allow that kind of behavior in my life. I will not be a part to other marriage getting messed up by enabling my wife, and I am not going to have active addiction in my home. No matter how crazy she is for me.

By the time I made that decision she was no longer all that crazy for me. She had made her own choices and was glad to see me go. Gave her more time to pursue her other loves without me dragging on her conscience.

For me the secret was to quit looking for the yes-no answers, the black - white solutions. I had to admit that what I _really_ wanted was to find some kind of magic trick that would change the world, and my wife, into something that met my expectations. When I worked the steps and changed _me_, then I was able to change my expectations to meet the realities of the world.

I still don't know what my ex was thinking those last few years, what I could have done to make her change and save our marriage. What I do know is that is that all I _can_ change is _me_. If she had wanted to change she would have done so without me. She didn't. That's it. That simple. Game over. Time to switch the channel and build a better _me_ so I do better next time.

HP, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change.
The courage to change the one I can
and the wisdom to know it's me.

Mike

Babyblue

I guess things aren't so black and white. Thanks for pointing that out. Maybe because I never say those things to anyone, I grew up in a very cold home with a father who had anger issues.

So he is all warm and fuzzy and I find my boundaries eroding. I know he has a very serious issue to deal with. He knows it as well and he has tried many times to stop. I keep my distance when he is really in bad shape but then that is when the sugar pours out and I eat it up with a spoon. But yet his actions at times have really not been consistent with those 'words'. So I get hurt and confused and it becomes this stupid dance we do.

I think I am going to ask him (when he is doing well) if he really means the stuff he says. Not sure if I will get an honest answer but hey it will be interesting to see what he says. Other than that, I know I can't let the ebb and flow of his feelings control me. I am working hard on that.

This sounds insane but I want to really make this work. When he is sober he is just so bright, kind and we have such a wonderful time with one another. Maybe I'm the one that is crazy. I never want to be the type of woman who says 'well at least he doesn't beat me' as the measure of a great relationship. I know it isn't. There is much more involved in really showing someone you care besides words.

freebuthurting

My AH was an expert at luvy dovey stuff in his Dr Jeckle mode. These were usually when he had access to drink or when drink was an imminent prospect. I am not sure what time I realised he was all talk but it was at least a year ago. From that time to the time we finally separated I suppose I had come to expect the worst in terms of what his actions would be. Once I did that I no longer had to deal with disappointment! He always lived down to my expectations.

freebuthurting

That is an exact mirror of my life before separating from AH except for the fact that he was starting to get angry more often.

GeordieNJC

My AHGFwas just like that all the lovery dovey stuff could wrap me around her finger, always texting always calling wanted me with her 24/7.

What is weird thou she's now been through rehab and barely wants to know me it wasn't love it was being a crutch....

sherby

Well My BF is the opposite, when he is sober he is so very kind and good to me and says very loving things and he does take me out and does nice things for me, however let him get over 7 beers in him and the devil can't stand him, he becomes very obnoxious, says mean things to me and honestly becomes stupid. I have tried so hard to walk away but somehow I just can't or maybe I just won't. I do hate myself for loving him.

fourmaggie

wtf ????

transformyself

Ok well, I guess that does sound sort of loony.

Do you want an explanation? There is one you know.

fourmaggie

@tranformyself...YES...LOL that is funny though...ok, i will bite..do TELL!