LovesToTravel

This is so stupid I am ashamed to write about it. It has almost been a year since I had my last drink. I am having a really hard time lately with that amount of time coming up. I am wondering to myself if I can drink again. I have been told that I should try some controlled drinking.

My husband has started his fall excursions for hunting and I am alone. I really wanted to drink or do something that I am not supposed to do. Is that crazy? I went to the store and bought junk food and ice cream and cookies and just plain crap and I also bought a pack of cigarettes. I quit smoking 18 years ago! I thought that it was the lesser of the two evils. Stupid...am I just crazy or is this year thing going to get me?

I've already smoked two cigarettes...they were awful and my lungs hurt now. I feel like a 12 year old but I have no parents to hid from anymore...I'm 53 years old for crying out loud...duh.

mama36

Your mind is playing tricks on you, don't forget that you're and alcoholic and that is what our minds do. Play it through to the end and remember your first days of your quit. Remember the remorse and hatred for yourself. I quit for several years and went back out...you WILL pick up right where you left off...it will only be a matter of time. If you had to quit because you could not manage while you were drinking, to try controlled drinking will be futile, it almost always is.

Hang in there and get through the crappy days. Eat that junk food and be good to yourself. You don't HAVE to have a drink, that first drink is entirely by choice...I would hate to see you throw away a year of sobriety only to realize down the road a week or a month or a year that you cannot mange your life because of alcohol.

Donna

wvuwhat

Throw the cigarettes away. Don't cope with difficulty with a poison to your body. I wish I were able to quit, but at the moment, I'm not able to. Be strong for those that are new to recovery.

Dee74

Hi LTT

I dunno about you but I often still get the urge to buy a pack of smokes...

not because I really enjoyed smoking - I didn't...but because it was so interwined with my drinking - I'm pretty sure at some level it's me looking for a 'back door'....another means of escape, another kind of 'F.U.' rebellion thing for me, and another sign I really didn't care much if I lived or died....my life was pretty cheap.

I'm not that guy anymore - for any of those things.

Dump the packet LTT.

D

Fandy

LTT.....******{hugs to you}}}}}....you and I are the same age and I totally relate to how you are feeling....I haven't gone for the cigarettes but i will stand next to someone who smokes...(i quit about 20 years ago too)...and i have a stockpile of chocolates, twizzlers and icecream...just"having" it in the house seems to make me feel better but i don't eat that much of it, just a few bites every night and some chips and a tiny slice of fudge....and yep it is the LESSER of the evils.

fast forward to how crappola you would feel after taking a drink....it's not worth it if you can't stop and you know deep down the reason you stopped drinking in the first place.

try to put this timeframe out of your head and concentrate on ALL of your accomplishments...don't listen to whoever was callous enough to *suggest* you try "controlled" drinking.

I remember how you went on an entire family vacation and stayed sober when everyone else was partying...you felt GOOD about it....whatever you did this past year works for YOU.

eddie73

Hi there. I dont know about smoking as I dont, but I can 100% guarantee you defo made the better choice between it and booze. Whoever suggested that you try moderate drinking again doesnt understand the dynamic of alcoholism and should read more about it. I was given the same advice last christmas after being sober for 7 months and finally gave in. In the beginning it was fine but eventually I ended up drinking alone in the house with the curtains closed more than once. I wish I had stayed strong so at least you have the enviable position of steering clear of this temptation. Gud luck man

RobbyRobot

Nothing stupid about it, LTT. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, powerful. Since you're wondering about drinking again a year into sobriety, thats a hellish time though, isn't it?! It's really common that after we (first) sober up we often think that it would be okay now to drink again. Thinking and doing are different, and thats good. Controlled drinking was always such a useless pain for me, and in the end of those trials and tribulations, I always drank even more, and more importantly, I drank just as I wanted. I'm an alcoholic.

Some alcoholics always end up drinking when they hear the call to go back, or someone gives them the greenlight that trying this or that with drinking will or could be different this time. Hey, its a free world, and we all have something to say, but be careful, you got that year of sobriety for some good reasons too, you know, so think about that as well.

For me, thinking about drinking was always my alcoholic mind playing with me, and no way I was going to go there again. Same with the cigs, same deal. Its been many years sober and smoke free now, and its all good. I don't think about drinking anymore except to be grateful that I don't drink and to never forget where I came from, you know? It's not frustrating to be spiritually sober and living the good life.

Don't feel stupid about anything with alcoholism. Be (feel) smart. Keep an open mind. Whatever reasons you quit drinking for, revisit those experiences and ask yourself: was it worth the year? Did you get out of it what you put into it? Can you do better by drinking again?

Only you know for sure those answers, and that's the way of it for any of us. We drink or don't drink for many real and as well useless reasons. Since your playing with cigs, junkfood, and feeling like a 12 year old without parents, I'd say your in trouble with yourself in some important ways. Please (seriously) look after those difficulties first, (with some solid rigorous honesty) and then if you still want to go back to drinking, well, its a big free world, and your welcome to it, same as always, same as anyone else. I guess it really comes down to this: do you have the illness of alcoholism?

Best wishes,
RobbyRobot

Anna

I don't think it's stupid, and I think it's great that you are aware of what is happening and dealing with it.

For me, it was a huge trigger when my husband was away. I drank alone and tried to hide my drinking, so if he was away, it was a green light for me. So, I really had to be on top of that.

You can get through this!

LovesToTravel

Thanks all. I had a few cigarettes and I am glad that I did that instead of drinking. I feel terrible and smell terrible and my lungs hurt....what a stupid. Anyway is it better than kicking myself for drinking. I really am a non-smoker and a non-drinker. Yes I remember how bad it was and I certainly don't want to go back there! I don't see a problem with making it for the year. And this cigarettes just gotta go. I can't understand how I "liked smoking"? Yuck!

7

NEOMARXIST

I would get rid of the ciggies, total waste of time and money. Never did anything for me apart from compliment drinking and drugging sessions as an activity to do whilst on the session. When I used to smoke during the day at work it was just a countdown to get on the hard stuff and start the session properly.

I guess it's better that you went for the ciggies as opposed to the booze though. You can just dump the ciggies and you ain't gonna feel like you've just thrown out your salvation. Apart from if you're an alkie then alcohol is far from your salvation, but instead your downfall.

Like RobbyRobot says it's a freeworld and boooze is there for the taking if you want it, it's legal afterall. However for me then I'm an alcoholic so drinking would kill me and I truly don't want to be a drunk, but my alkie/addict mind would like to see me there.

I had a long conversation yesterday about my alcoholism and it's great to be certain of my situation. For me then 'controlled' drinking never existed and never would do. Even my alkie mind can't try to twist it that I could control my drinking! LOL!!

I haven't read your initial posts but I'm getting there must be a reason why you're nearly a year sober? I'm guessing it ""wasn't for eating too many Mars Bars" (Got that quote from a AA meeting from a bloke on my 90 day anniversary! Incidentally he was in and out and in and out for the past 10 years)

I'm with Dee also in the ciggies being my minds way of looking for a "Backdoor" in for drinking. Drinking, Drugs and smoking were all one big package to me. I'm an alcoholic and an addict.

All The Best

coffeenut

I don't think it's stupid.

Take a look at what you did right...you didn't buy booze and you came here and talked it out. I'd say that's pretty darn good.

And getting sick over a few cigs, was just enough to cement that you didn't want to start that again, right?!

Sobriety is a time of change and growth. With your husband being gone for a bit, this is just the time for that to happen for you. Glad you're here!

Zebra1275

As they say, alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful. I quit for 5 1/2 years and then somehow convinced myself that I didn't have a problem and that I could have a beer with a nice steak dinner. It didn't work out like I planned. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will lay dormant for years waiting for you to slip. Don't drink.

LexieCat

I'm curious as to who is suggesting that you do some "controlled drinking"?? I'd be willing to bet it isn't someone who is a recovered alcoholic. We KNOW that doesn't work.

I can relate to wanting to do something "bad" when you get time to yourself and don't have to please anyone else. The junk food is a much better idea than drinking and smoking. I'm still a smoker, but if I was good and clean from that habit, no way would I want to put myself back in it. Still, if you had to slip with something, smoking a few cigarettes is ultimately less destructive to you than drinking.

I don't think it's unusual to have the thoughts you're having. You are doing the right thing by posting about them and getting them out in the open where they have less power over you.

Try to use this "alone" time to do other stuff that you don't feel you have the uninterrupted time or privacy to take care of when your husband is at home. You can do virtually ANYTHING you want except drink or smoke. Remember, once you drink, you give up that hard-won freedom.

keithj

I know I told LovesToTravel, in the context of her wondering if she was an alcoholic or not on 12 Step forum, that the BB suggests 3 ways of determining the truth for herself. She asked how to tell if she was alcoholic. Controlled drinking is one method, though perhaps not the safest.

If you don't know, find out. If you do know, then controlled drinking would be a horrible thing.

One can just as easily use their past experience, instead of getting some new experience. What happens when you drink? Can you control it? If not, you're probably alcoholic and can't safely drink at all.

Then, what happens when you don't drink? From the sound of the first post, life has gotten pretty uncomfortable. Restless irritable and discontent unless some substance can make me feel better. Sounds like untreated alcoholism to me.

lildawg

LTT - I have had two people suggest I try "controlled" drinking, since I've done so well with my 2.75 year quit. One person was my SIL who has led a very sheltered life and who, I think, doesn't understand what alcoholism is. The other was my aunt, which surprised me, since she was/is a terrible pothead.

I knew, when they suggested I would be able to "moderate" my drinking, that they were delusional. I know I can't moderate my drinking. One drink, and I'd be swimming with the sharks in the Gulf of Mexico and engaging in fisticuffs with strangers. That's how lildawg is.

When I'm lonely for my drink, though, I still ask myself if there is any possibility whatsoever that I could moderate. After all, Auntie and SIL said they thought I could do it. Deep down, I know the answer. Even so, it still takes a little convincing to talk myself down.

When my husband is gone somewhere, I have experienced the same thing you're talking about -- the feeling of a teenager wanting to do something "bad" since the parents aren't home to see it. When I was still an active addict, I'd use the time to do something illicit, like smoke a doobie or get so burning drunk I'd be passed out before my husband got home.

I've learned that I can still do somewhat forbidden things when I have the house to myself. I'll watch a show on television I know my husband would hate. Sometimes, I fix a meal he doesn't care for. Sometime I go shopping for antiques, which he also doesn't enjoy. Even though it's mild, I do get to do something I otherwise would not get do so freely. Sometimes it helps; sometimes it doesn't.

As for the smoking cigarettes, it was always something I could take or leave. I don't mind when other people do it around me. Now that my allergies are worsening, though, it's unpleasant where it wasn't before. I know you're intelligent enough to know what an expensive habit it is and how it's going to make you, your clothes, and your house smell. So I just won't get into it.

Hugs to you. I know just how you're feeling.

LexieCat

Ah, OK. I get it.

Well, I don't think that is a great idea when you're coming up on a year. It's useful when you are trying to make the initial in/out decision, I suppose, but I hate to think of someone using that as a "recommendation" when they have a year sober (or dry, or whatever).

By the time I quit, I knew I had done all the attempted controlled drinking I cared to do. I was willing to take the word of others that quitting for a year or more wasn't likely to end happily with my "de-pickle-ization".

Ultimately, I think we all have to be internally satisfied, either through our own experience or that of others whom we trust, that we can't safely drink anymore.

artsoul

Well, LTT, you're coming up on a MAJOR milestone and you've just been left alone. It's understandable that the idea of drinking might come up at this point. Just keep telling yourself that this is a very, very temporary feeling and as uncomfortable as it is, it has no power to hurt you.

Junk food sounds really good (I'm hungry right now!). Some people have talked about milkshakes/ice cream being good at crushing those cravings. And coming here is the best solution of all. I'm so proud of you for posting. I still have those days that you're describing after 4 months and sometimes wonder if I'm doing something wrong. BUT they go away and I find that I'm stronger and feeling even better about my sobriety.

This sobriety business seems to be a series of hurdles (maybe that's just dealing with life?!). I hope to jump my cigarette hurdles next. I think you're doing GREAT!

Hevyn

LTT - I'm very happy you came here to talk it out. Everyone has you covered already, so I'll add one thing. When I had those thoughts after three years I went ahead and bought the liquor. The first night I was ok with it, just had a few. The second night I drank everything in sight and there was no control. I didn't get sober again until finding SR 7 years later. Yes, 7 years. Just because I talked myself into thinking I could use willpower to control it.

You are doing great, and we are very proud of you. Sending love your way.

stanleyhouse

Ltt
I'm about a year sober and I'm left alone one or two weeks a month. Everytime that happens I have to choose sobriety. I know that I could get away with drinking but I know there is nothing controlled about planning the party. It is not controlled when it is done alone, the bottles are bought according to how many days I have to drink and I have to plan a secret detox. I know the end of the story.
I hope you don't drink because your soul, mind and body are beautiful right now.
SH

yeahgr8

I would look as to why it is now you want to try and drink again...your husband has gone away? There are a lot of people that make an unconscious decision to have their higher power and main reason for getting sober as people, places or things...unfortunately the these tend to let us down as they are not higher powers and this is just our insane expectations of them...cop a resentment when something changes and...

I would recommend action now...is there an AA meeting nearby, regardless of what you feel about that better to go and listen for a while before taking that drink or wasn't it too bad last time you drank?