Lokelani

Hello all,

I'm a little nervous as this is my first post, but this seems like a pretty good place.

My husband is now over 4 months sober. He is currently in a residential rehab program, which includes a lot of group therapy and treatment.

I got a check-in call from his counsellor today. He said that my husband is still trying to do "too much".

He says he is always asking for extra assignments and trying to show his counsellors how hard he's working, and wants his assignments to be perfect.

The counsellor had tasked him with just doing nothing and being alone with his thoughts for a little bit.

When I ask him about it, he says that he's serious about doing this, and that he wants to take it very seriously and work very hard.

So, my question is kinda two-part:

a) Why is working hard so detrimental? I've read a link between perfectionism and addiction, but I don't consider him a perfectionist in real life.

b) I believe the counsellors know best, so how do I support him in relaxing a bit and not working quite so hard? I'm a little bit of a Type A myself and always strive to do my best, so I fear that I'm maybe unintentionally putting pressure on him.

Help?

Dee74

Welcome Lokelani

I don't know anything about rehab or what exercises they may set there, but in my opinion recovery is not a destination, its a journey...I think you get there when you get there, you don't get there faster by doing extra credit.

That was hard for me to get my head around - I always thought the harder you worked the more you got....

but what I realise now is wanting to control everything and pushing myself too hard is one of things that bought me to my knees and the bottle in the first place.

It did me a lot of good to just let go, and have some faith that things would work out like people told me they would. I'd never done that before.

Best wishes to your and your husband

D

artsoul

Welcome! Well, it sounds like he's motivated, which is a really good thing. Maybe the counselors just want him to take time to just "be," to spend some moments with his thoughts and feelings(?). Or maybe they just have nothing else to assign to him!

I was in treatment twice, and all the counselors are different. Even the programs were different. I really wouldn't worry about it - they may just be trying to tell him to "relax," and not push the process (like Dee said).

Glad he is getting the help he needs!:ghug3

yeahgr8

Why is the counselor involving you in this, i don't understand that bit at all?!

Antiderivative

Its sounds like he is either motivated or busying himself so he doesn't have to deal with himself. Perhaps, both.

However, I don't think there is anything wrong with either of those things in early recovery. If he is busying himself since he doesn't have to deal with himself, then it is important that he ultimately does. Sometimes people aren't ready and it takes a little time. Nonetheless he is accumulating time being sober and that is important.

If he is just motivated and has a match lit under his ass, then that is great. It was like that for me when I first got sober. I was in a rehab and I actually had a counselor tell me something similar. I was taken aghast and a little offended. I was motivated to get my life back in order.

If you are able to talk to him, then ask him if he is keeping busy since he is motivated or if he doing it to escape. If he is doing it since he is motivated, then perhaps show some sympathy for him since his counselor may be wrong. They are not always right.

The most important thing to do is show support and be positive that he is ultimately doing the right thing.

coming_clean

i´ve been trying too hard all the time. Recepy for failure, at least for me.

Recovery is about surrendering I guess, not about fighting and getting your targets and stuff. Same as with buddhist practise. The more you set out to reach a goal the less you make progress. With a lot of meditation involved this can leads to massive anxiety and panic, fear. Because it´s about facing yourself and your demons. You can let them out one by one, slowly, face them and deal with them.

Or you can open the gates of hell and unleash all the fury.

I think it´s good he´s assigned to do nothing. But hey, maybe your husbands approach works for him I´m not a professional.

DayTrader

Heh..... your husband sound EXACTLY like me.

Once I realized what alcoholism really is.......and that there was no question that I had it........ I wanted to get as much fixed as quickly as possible as I could. My question was, who in the HELL wouldn't want to get out of this mess??? ya know???


As for the therapists....It could go either way but I'd put my money on them being full of it. The business of therapy and/or treatment (and make NO MISTAKE - they run a "for profit business" - like it or not) is based upon long term, slow and steady treatments. They never use the word "recovered" because, if one were to "recover" then you may not need their services anymore.

Just about every therapist I've met (there ARE exceptions....just not many) has built their business on repeat customers - which makes sense because it's easier to get a "repeat" than it is to go find new blood - that's true of ANY business.

There is a point, however, where the quest to "get this right" can be detrimental. One can get sooooo mired down in the details that you miss the bigger picture. It's possible....and likely for some....to get so bogged down in the minutia that frustration builds and, before you know it, you're saying "screw this" and it's back to the booze. This might be what the therapists have in mind but, like I said earlier, the odds don't support it and I'd bet otherwise.

coffeenut

Your husbands recovery will be HIS recovery. While it's most excellent that you are supportive, the steps he takes will be ones that he alone will be responsible for.

Not sure why a counselor would call to involve you in that part of his recovery, either?

We have a friends and family section at SR. I hope you check that out, too.

Welcome, we're glad you're here!

Anna

I'm not sure either why a Counsellor would call you and talk to you about these issues. I am glad your husband is working hard on his recovery. I hope that you will find support in our Friends & Families forums and/or at AlAnon.

RobbyRobot

Hi Lokelani,

Yeah, being recovered is indeed a journey, and not a destination, the way I see it as well too. Working very hard can be a difficulty in the sense that we tend to concentrate on a few select things when we work really hard at something specific, and so other important things may be being sidelined. At four months if the counsellor is asking your husband to chill a bit and meditate with doing less for a while, the point may be as simple as your husband taking the time to smell the roses along the way. All work and no play has a way of defeating our best efforts when we want to enjoy the fruits of our labors. Having a good healthy sense of "things are okay" is an essential part of living a recovered life, yes?

Doing your best dosen't have to become a problem. You can do your best with helping your husband relax using positive motivations with the understanding that working on "problems" is not always the best way forward. Often, it can be awesome to just accept that some problems are best worked at over a lifetime, while others are [of course] more immediate. It's not just what are the solutions to our problems that we need to realise; we also need to know when our problems are solved to move on; and from there take daily inventory of our progression. It's not about being a perfectionist, its about getting over our fears of failure. Sometimes the worse problems we have are simply the ones we "think" we have. Gratitude is an excellent barometer for appreciating ourselves in a healthy manner. We all deserve a great day in the sun, even with our "problems."

FWIW, I did rehab myself. And worked as a counsellor as well for many years, I'm retired now. Nothing wrong with the counsellor checking in with you about some of what is what with your husband. It appears to me the rehab may have an after care program, and they realize that the family being involved can have such wonderful positive supportive experiences for all involved.

Best wishes!

Robby

Lokelani

Thank you for all your responses. Yours especially Robby, for not freaking out about the counsellor talking to me.

The counsellor checks in with me once a week just to update me on how things are going with my husband. He doesn't tell me specifics of what he's said in group sessions or whatever. It's very difficult for a family member to be away and removed from the whole situation, so I really appreciate the check-ins and small updates. My husband has been sober for four months, but he's only been in rehab for a month now.

A lot of the things you guys said makes a lot of sense.

In talking to a friend, she pointed out that my husband has always been sort of an "all or nothing" kinda guy. If he's doing something, he goes full boar for about three weeks, and then, because nobody can keep that kind of intensity (let's say for things like exercise, or a new hobby), he drops it.

Moderation isn't a concept he's good at. Yes, I realize the irony.

Mcribb

To build muscles you have to lift weights smarter not harder.

Lokelani

He's a fitness instructor, so he'll like that Mcribb.