coyote21

XMIL called tonight, wanted to talk to me when she usually just talks to LMC.

She said axw had been in the hospital over the long weekend and had had 6 liters of fluid removed from her abdomen. I'm no doctor, but I know that can't be too good.

She went on to say she couldn't figure out what was going on with her, meaning since she'd quit drinking and all. I wish I could turn back time for the next minute of our conversation, but I can't.

I told her I knew what was going on with her daughter, that she was still drinking. That she'd been telling LMC that Bud Lite was non-alcoholic while she was down there.

What I learned tonight is that people are in denial for a reason, and I have no business pointing out reality to them. Even if the truth is what I prefer to live by, I've got no business dumping the truth on anybody else if they're not ready to hear it.

LMC was upset because her gmaw was upset and hung up the phone without talking to her, that's on me.

I'll do better next time. This too shall pass.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Pelican

(((Coyote&LMC)))

Sorry C21

I don't believe your intention was to hurt. Not your style.

Forgiveness.

LexieCat

I don't think what you did was a bad thing, Coyote. All you did was to state a simple truth. I think it's natural that she got upset (how she can still believe her daughter isn't drinking is beyond me--my ex's liver shut down and they drained 40 quarts of fluid out of his abdomen and they were talking liver transplant). You didn't say it to be mean or cruel, and I think as a mother she has a certain right to the truth. What she does with that is her problem. Can't keep everybody "happy" all the time--some things are unpleasant to face.

transformyself

Hugs Brother. You're a wonderful father. Truth be told.

LaTeeDa

Obviously, you are the only one who can decide if telling the truth was not the right thing to do in this situation. And only you can decide how you might have handled it differently, or how you might handle it differently in the future.

For me, given the choice of speaking an uncomfortable truth, or going along with the denial, I would speak the uncomfortable truth. However, there are many gray areas between and you seem to regret the choice you made. But, there is no undo command in life like in software , so taking the lesson for whatever it means to you is all you can do.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

L

Jazzman

I would keep certain details of her mothers current condition to yourself for a while and Xmil might have said something to LMC other than "Moms in the hospital". I think things worked out for the best. That kind of fluid build up is not a good sign.

Still Waters

I would have had to speak the truth also coyote. It's up to her how she deals with it.

Denial is a strange thing, and we all have experience with it.

Learn2Live

I hope you're not beating yourself up about it. You are right, best to mind our own and let others be BUT...SHE called YOU. She must have wanted your feedback or else she wouldn't have asked, would she have? When we see someone upset, we think, "Oh, I shouldn't have said that" but in reality, upset is not so bad. This too shall pass. Upset is not permanent but maybe it'll get her thinking. Maybe this will help the mother to seek out help for herself.

Me personally, I only had to be told ONCE: "You need to go to Al-Anon" the person said to me. And I did.

Jadmack25

XMIL called you, and told you she was a bit bewildered at this happening.....that is close enough to asking "WHY" for me. You told her, and if she couldn't take the truth that is not your fault. You are not responsible for anyone else being unwilling to see what is before them.

Sorry she took her discomfort out on LMC, by hanging up before talking to her, but again ...not your fault. I bet it didn't take long for you to talk to LMC, and get the smile back on her face. Her granma was upset, but no excuse for causing grief to a loved grand child.

God bless

sesh

I don't think either you did anything wrong, she phoned you and asked you, as I see it. You could have lied or tell the truth. To me that is never much of a choice.

Also, I don't think it is much of an issue if XAW is still drinking, I believe the much bigger issue that MIL will have to come to terms with quite soon is her daughter not being well.
As far as I know having a fluid drained is a very bad sign, and most likely she'd have to have the same thing than again soon in the best case scenario.
The accumulation of fluid in abdoment happens for one reason, as far as I know, and that is liver not working properly. And that is not something that will go away by itself.

I'm not saying any of this to fraighten you, but because this is something we spoke about before privately, and I'm thinking maybe it is time you start preparing LMC for it, JMHO.
I'm saying all this only because I've lived though it not long ago, and I know how hard it was on my kids.

I really hope you don't mind me saying all this.
HUGS to you and LMC.
Take care

transformyself

Hey there, how ya doing today? I was thinking
I don't know, but how are you suppose to see into the future and know if someone is ready to hear the truth?

I think you're taking on way too much. Please be kind to yourself, at least as kind as you are to others.

PurpleWilder

"I never gave anyone hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell" - Harry S Truman

wicked

coyote,



I think your XMIL knows what has been happening, there were no doctors there to explain why they had to drain fluid from her abdomen? She either knew you would be straight with her, or she wanted you to tell her the doctors are wrong. Either way, it is her problem, not yours.
I am sorry she could not talk to LMC. It would have been an easy thing to say,
"coyote, I am so upset right now, would you tell LMC that gmaw will call her tomorrow?"
Again, that is on her, but I know it was hard on LMC.
Geez, denial, alcoholism, cirrhosis, it all sucks big time.
My father died from cirrhosis, when the liver starts to shut down, it is a terrible thing to see, and I was an adult daughter.
I hope gmaw can get it together for LMC.

God Bless You and LMC.

Beth

coyote21

Yes, lie or tell the truth, no brainer. Alcoholism needs lies to continue, it lives in the dark. I'm not beating myself up very bad, nothing I can't handle! I'm way more gentle on myself than I used to be. Must be growing up, 'bout time.

And yes, I used this opportunity to start preparing LMC, explained to her that if you keep drinking you just keep getting sicker. I don't think she's quite ready to face the terminal aspect of "sick" just yet, but this is a start and I'm confident the words will come when the time is right.

Thanks guys. We will be alright regardless of axw's choices.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

coyote21

Thanks PS, that's one of my favorite quotes.

I remember during the custody battles, as I was on the stand "telling the whole truth", I would glance over at axw and I could definitely see she was in a hell of her own making.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Carol Star

My XAH is losing his house now from his choices and asked to borrow money. I refused and went no contact (again). He is on foodstamps but uses the stuff he gets (juice,sugar) to make wine! It isn't my business. I am sure some of the people around him may enable him but not me. I think he will end up like your XAW. He makes these choices. It is hard to understand. It is insane. It is sad.

coyote21

http://img33.imageshack.us/img33/2172/dvdvideo37.jpg

"You can't handle the truth", comes to mind.

Wanted to beat Jazz to the punch. Ha!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

barb dwyer

BuffaloGal

Telling the truth to those unable to hear it is a grey area... trying to force someone to see who isn't ready won't work, you're right about that. However, my experience is this: I made a recent decision not to participate in any further lies or selective memories from my aexh and his girlfriend, and I feel a darn sight better as a result.

I don't shove my views in their faces and try to bring them to Jesus, but I don't hide what I think either-- I have been calling BS when that's what I see. Sure it makes them angry, but I don't have to react to that, and I've found I'm more comfortable being open and direct about what I believe. They can take it or leave it.

I don't think you did anything wrong-- your exmil did come to you. Had you pretended puzzlement or offered fake explanations, that would have been dishonest. Your exmil is perfectly free to reject what you've said-- and way down, she probably knows you're right. I've noticed that people get most defensive when they're hiding something from themselves.

chicory

I was thinking, if MIL asked the doctors what was going on, they too would tell her the truth, whether she is ready for it or not.
Perhaps her knowing is uncomfortable, and sad, but she needs to know the truth, I would think. So she can prepare her self for what may come.
I know that this must be very disturbing, and tough, for I know that you worry most about your little one. She has the most awesome dad, tho, and he will help her to deal with whatever life brings.

big hug,
chicory