WakeUp

Ok, I was at a meeting last night and when the chair asked if someone is willing to sponsor please raise your hand. One person raised their hand, out of about 25 people.
I asked someone "Is everybody just booked up?" They said most people don't raise their hand because you want to make a connection with someone first.

Aren't we supposed to carry the message to another suffering alcoholic, whoever they may be, and not be worryed about seeing who looks the coolist, hippest, or whole looks like a future art show buddy?

Confused, somebody throw a little esh this way?

keithj

Well, WakeUp, I can't speak for others. What I do though, is spot that dude sitting in the back, looking a little self-conscious and unsure, and say, "Hey man, I'm Keith, how you doing?" And we go from there. Gotta kind of feel it out a little bit, but if they are willing, sponsorship starts right then and there.

If they are unsure, no harm done. We talk a little, maybe I call them the next day to see how they are doing. Whatever feels right.

shaun00

connection??........thats elitist crap.......no other word for it.
heres the connection i look for......there is no mumbo jumbo formula.

suffering alcoholic looking for a solution........the end.
sorry......it just makes my blood boil.

what happens to the guy then that swinging from the rafters because some "guru".......thought it was cool to wait for a "connection"..and waited to long.

i hope you find a great sponsor..........if i can help in anyway id be happy to share my experience with the steps with you........just pm me anytime.

shaun.....alcoholic.

WakeUp

Shaun,
I got a sponsor. In fact, I'm starting to think about when I need to start working with others. Later this year, when i'm done with the rest of the steps, I have a I year coin, I'm living in the solution, and the biggie, when I can be AVAILABLE to a newcomer.

Antiderivative

You can be available to the newcomer now. It could be simple as walking up to them afterwards, shaking their hand with a warm smile, pat them on the shoulder, and tell them to keep coming back.

After all, they are walking into a strange environment probably a basket full of emotions. Sometimes simple gestures go along and make them feel at home as much as humanly possible.

If you want to do more, then do more. Give them your phone number. Ask them if they want to grab some coffee sometime. Whatever feels comfortable. You seem like you are in a decent shape for this and would have something to offer if they took you up on it. Run it past your sponsor on what sort of boundaries you should draw regarding newcomers.

If you are looking to sponsor someone, then I would at least wait at least another year, if not two. Again, talk to your sponsor about this.

yeahgr8

Great to hear your plan of action:-)

Hmm the reason why people would say this in AA we covered because most people don't work the steps and recover and a load say they did but didn't...only a still insane person would make the connection comment, its ridiculous...

Charmie

its a duty an honour and a pleasure to help the newcomer.i seek out people that are new and tell them i am available for sponsorship.
as soon as i had finished the work with my sponsor she told me to get out there.
in fact she started talking to me about it from the get go.

DayTrader

1 out of 25 recognizes the importance of working with others...ugh. This takes me back to the issue of being picky about who we work with but I won't go off on that tangent.

I'm either with Trucker in that they're being AA snobs OR nobody's really done the work and they know it and they'd feel ill prepared to take someone through work they haven't done yet. Buuuut....it's not my place to judge and for you WakeUp, that puts the pressure on you to work yer butt off so you can pick up some of the weight at that meeting.

One thing's for sure, we're always learning at a meeting - either what TO do or what NOT to do.

WakeUp

Huh? Sit around for three years, what's the hold up?

Charmie

i wondered the same thing wake up.........
2/3 years to wait until getting through the steps and then sponsoring or just 2/3 years to sponsor???? i am baffled...
that kind of time frame is not safe for a real alcoholic.
our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety is it not?

NewGrowth

I was so overwhelmed, half-crazy from detox and terrified - I needed someone that I felt a connection with. Random wouldn't have made me feel safe or soothed enough to let go and start my step work. It helps that we share a common 'language' (movies, general life experiences and pop culture references) so we can simply talk without constantly asking each other 'what's that? was that a joke?'. I've been at meetings where people raised their hands to show their availability to sponsor. It didn't really help me because I didn't know them. God knew I was afraid and had me wait until I met a woman who I could relate to- plus I think he knew I was a high-risk rabbitter haha. I needed someone who had experiences so similar to mine, that I could no longer run from AA through a b.s. loophole in my thinking. I think, personally, I needed that connection first and the sponsorship second.

I can't say as to why fewer people raised their hands than you thought should have. Perhaps they all have five sponsees, just lost a spouse, aren't ready yet... the list is without end. If God can match me with a great sponsor, then I have faith he will work miracles for others as well. Perhaps there was a person there looking for a sponsor- but God wanted them to look elsewhere- where he had their best match waiting for them. Perhaps God told those people to keep their hands down this time. I am just an old drunk- God's powers and plans are beyond me

DayTrader

wow, my selective reading flat out missed that. You're right Wake, if you're a real alcoholic, you don't have the luxury of waiting - there can be no hold up.

You're able to give what you've got right now. Haven't finished the steps.....then you cant give the whole program yet but that should give you some motivation to get 'em done so you can have that spiritual awakening and carry the full program where you see there's an obvious need. Do what Bill and Bob did.... seek them out on your own and be of service.

"Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics." Bill and Bob were out "sponsoring" others in their first DAYS!

zbear23

I understand your anger, but I tend to follow Dr. Paul O's advice in the BB...that when my "blood boils" I need to see the problem within myself, not others. One way I might do this is to remember that, whether or not they realize it, everyone has a higher power......and I'm not it. Not to say that seeing only one hand raised to offer sponsorship wouldn't disappoint me...but I might just chalk that up to unrealistic expectation....which tend to lead me into resentments (the number one offender).


blessings
zenbear

zbear23

A close friend of mine, 30+ years sober and very active in service work, tells the story about his first AA meetings....and the one person who had a kind word for him. He says that one kind word is what kept him coming back.

I'm only one person, and I can't do everything. But I AM one person, and I can always do SOMETHING.

blessings
zenbear

DayTrader

As we used to say in the 80's --- WERD! Well said.

I never felt comfortable walking up to new ppl and saying hi... I was always embarrassed, nervous, and a bit unsure about myself...... but I did it anyway. By practicing it, I eventually got comfortable doing it.

"Acting myself into right thinking".... it STILL seems so backwards.

RobbyRobot

Sponsoring someone and being in good fellowship with them are different things. There is alot of confusion about this in the rooms. I've helped more alcoholics by working the solution with them as a fellow sober brother than I ever have as a sponsor. In turn, I have received more help myself. All those after meetings meetings in coffee houses became the life-blood of so many of us. We all shared together as a fellowship. We all had our own sponsors or didn't have them, it made no difference to our getting together. We did quality program for its own sake and we were not a clique either. All were welcome into our after-hours meetings.

Antiderivative has nailed it good. If the thing here is to be helpful, to be of service, to be a better member in good standing, sponsporship is not the only way to do so. As a matter of fact, if one hasn't already done the outside-of-the-rooms fellowshipping to a level of satisfaction and quality, then sponsoring someone is not the best way forward for all concerned, imo.

To each their own, of course. True sponsoring is difficult work when done correctly and purposefully. When people sponsor too early, it can have outcomes which are not good for anybody. Nothing is worse than an inept confused sponsor enabling others to be inept and lost as well. All to often sponsorship is considered the top of the top when being of service work to others. My experiences shows me better to wait until I know my entire program of recovery and being recovered before I sponsor someone else. Having said that, what is a year, or two years, or even three years got to do with anything? Well, actually nothing, really. Some people are ready to sponsor almost the same day they get sober. Most others, its better to wait for whatever amount of time. And lastly, a minority of others should just not sponsor period.

Rob

keithj

Bingo in my book. All the things Antiderivative mentioned are very good and can be done from day one.

Sponsorship requires more responsibility. The 'qualifications' I look for in sponsorship is has the person had a spiritual awakening as the result of the Steps? And then, can they show somebody else the directions for having their own awakening?

Maybe only 1 in 25 meet those qualifications?

Incidentally, (or not) those are the same qualifications for staying sober. Hmmm, what's the recovered success rate in AA these days? 1 in 25 might not be too far off the mark.

WakeUp

So, sponsoring belongs to some unknown special class? So when Jane Newbie comes into an AA meeting, and people are telling her "find a sponsor" she looks around and everyone is sitting there with their arms folded. Then what does she do?

Plus, there is no standard for sponsorship remember? It's as I was understanding it, "one drunk talking to another." There is no training, no written instructions, no formal guide to the 12 steps. It's just how everyone was taught to do it.

This is an interesting discussion, like I figured it would be.

shaun00

2 alcoholics working together is a powerful thing.
and the books tells me it was a powerful thing before AA.

imagine that........stuck in the middle of nowhere....an alcoholic.
the deals gone to the wall..........and theres a bar in your hotel.

and yet bill knew he had to contact another alcoholic.........that was the "connection"......one drunk to another.........even though he had never meet the guy...

i believe that part of a spiritual awaken is a deep desire to help others and sometimes that might be just alcoholics.

there is something deeply special about having my nose in the book reading with a newcomers .....

[QUOTESo, sponsoring belongs to some unknown special class? ][/QUOTE]

No........it belongs to people that have a solution gained from working the steps and having had a spritual awakening.

there isnt any special class of person in AA...........the only special person is the one that got us there in the first place.

keithj

No, it doesn't. I had to chuckle when I read your comment about 'no training, no formal guide'. In AA? You are kidding, right?

But actually, there is a formal guide in Chapter 7. Just like all the other Steps, there are clear-cut, precise directions on how to carry this message to the new person.

Although I think we have to allow for some adjustment based on the popularity and accessibility of AA in current times, the directions are really solid.

When people follow those directions, most important of which is 'having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps', sponsorship is fairly straightforward.

Without those directions, I sometimes think poor sponsorship does more harm than good. And all with the best intentions, mind you.

Just one example comes to mind. A really good guy, a friend of mine, sort of 'runs' the popular Sat. morning meeting. Been sober 10-12 years or something. Comes into contact with lots of newcomers. Jolly and friendly and genuinely wanting to be helpful, S sponsors a lot of new guys.

And they call him every day, and they tell S their problems. And he tells them to pray and let go and let god. And invariably after a few months the new guy is going out of his mind trying to hold on to white knuckle sobriety. Many of them drink again. And S shrugs his shoulders and says they just weren't ready yet.

I've worked with a couple of these guys, after they come back from a 2 year binge. When we sit down with the BB, they tell me that they have never seen this stuff before.

Here they are, many months or even a year or two in AA, thinking they are doing what is suggested, and they have never opened the BB.

It's got nothing to do with being ready. They were ready when they walked into the rooms and sought out a sponsor. The problem is the sponsor they found doesn't know much about carrying the message to the alcoholic who still suffers.

By the way, I love this S guy. Great, fun, guy. But no way should he be sponsoring guys. He can, however, be a great friend and someone to lean on in recovery. But he hasn't been through the Steps, and can't show someone else how to do it.

Probably just stepped in a big pile of steaming controversy, but there it is.