iwantcontrol

Hi all, I haven't been around here for over 6 weeks. Things got better around 4 weeks ago when ABF finally got a job. I knew it wouldn't be a magical fix but things improved becasue he couldn't sit around drinking all day anymore. The first 2 weeks were great - he sounded like he'd only had a couple of drinks some evenings and others he didn't drink at all (I think). The third week he lied to me one day and siad he was at work but he sounded drunk and like he was with his 'mate'. I finally got it out of him that he'd felt mentally ill (like a panic attack) at work and asked to go home. But then he drank instead of getting his head together, and lied to me about it. As far as I know he went back to work after that (although I have my suspicions) and week 4 (now) he is there. He called me on his break and said he's not that great and having/had another bit of a meltdown and isn't coping well with things. Quite what is wrong I don't know as he couldn't talk much and never does tell me things anyway.
So, I can see that he is going to leave his job or get fired from it, and go back to drinking every day. I can't bear that. But if it is due to his mental illness that he is not coping then it isn't fair to say I want to leave the relationship because he can't work. If I was ill and couldn't work it would be awful to think my BF would leave me! I knwo the situation is different but I'm worried about it all.
I can't understand why he isn't coping - it is an easy job, not far from his house, and he doesn't have to think too much or have much contact with others. I can't understand.
Maybe he'll stick with it and surprise me. I keep questioning myself as to whether to believe he really is at work at all anymore. I think he is but he would lie to me if he wasn't.
Just wanted to get this off my chest really - got noone else I can talk to.
I am still focusing on me and my things, especially during the week when i don't usually see him, but now the worry about whether he can cope with a job is starting to take over again.

nodaybut2day

I get that you want to be "fair", but if the relationship isn't bringing you anything and if his drinking is impacting your life, then it isn't *fair* to you to remain in it.

It sounds like his problems are way bigger than you can handle. Is he seeing a mental health professional?

JenT1968

if you want to leave the relationship, you want to leave the relationship. "fair" has no place in the equation.

do you want to leave him because he can't work, or because when he doesn't work he drinks all day long? to be fair, even when he does work, it appears he finds a way to skip off, be with a mate and drink all day long too, go figure. He lies to you, you are constantly worried about him and his activities. You are not his social worker, or his mental health worker, or his addictions counsellor (all of which he may well need, but he needs professionals to fulfil that role, NOT you) a relationship is a two-way street. Remind me, what does this relationship give you that is positive?

iwantcontrol

He has a psych he sees every few months. I don't think he's taken his medcation for months but he says he has. He postponed psychotherapy because he got his new job. He is just in so much denial and every time I bring up anything he won't talk about it. I don't know what is bothering him right now. But then there doesn't have to be a cause - it could jsut be the mental problems and the connected alcohol problems.
I can't deal with his problems though. I can't help or support him when his answer is alcohol. He won't talk to me about it. Feeling deflated. Trying to red other threads for some strength.
I kind of know now that i'd be OK without him, but I still don't want to be without him.

Summerpeach

Leaving or staying, it doesnt' make a difference. What you need to do it stop controlling him and start to control you

You said many months back you are keeping the focus on you, how are you doing that today?

iwantcontrol

jent1968 - that is a good question. I don't even know if he makes me happy anymore. We have times of happiness, and when he's in a good mood and we're doing things together, things are great and he does make me happy. But that all depends on what mood he's in (often a bad mood) and he can change moods very quickly. If things were good all the time i could say he makes me happy, but they are not. I hope they will be soon. Thats what keeps me there.
And I want to leave him if he loses his job because he'll just drink all day again. That problem hasn't gone away.

suki44883

This has been going on so long now that I can imagine many of us no longer know what to say to you to wake you up to the fact that this relationship is never going to be what you want it to be. He.does.not.want.to.change. Again, your options are to either deal with it or leave the relationship.

iwantcontrol

today I kept the focus on me until i got that phone call saying abotu his meltdown again. Now I'm looking and posting on here to get it all in perspective and sort my head out.
I don't see how i'm controlling him. He doesn't do anything I want him to do. He is definitely his own person. I haven't been trying to control him lately I don't think. Correct me if i'm wrong!

iwantcontrol

suki - OK I can see your point. I always have done. But things have changed - the situation has improved to what it was. I keep thinking it can improve even more.

Bolina

Hi IWC. Sorry to hear that nothing has changed for you. It must be exhausting.

If Jen's question is a bit tricky to answer at the moment, here's another to ponder. What do you think he is getting out of the relationship?

Summerpeach

You're wrong, but I understand your pain and confusion.
You know more about what his needs are than what your needs are.

He's got a mental illness along with being an addict. There is nothing you can say or do that can change an active addict (or even a dry one), you need to stand back, let him find his bottom and while he's busy doing that, get yourself into Al Anon, therapy, coda, whatever group you need to to get it

iwantcontrol

some things have changed. it is better.

He gets moaned at and checked up on when he's drinking, even if it is only a little, he gets questioned a lot and asked about his feeligns which he hates, he does get somewhere to escape to each weekend, he gets someone reliable who he knows isn't going to leave him, he gets to feel loved.

Summerpeach

Yes, you can improve more, much more. But only YOU can improve. Not improve him or your relationship.

suki44883

The only change I see is that he got a job but is putting that job in jeopardy because he wants to lay off and drink. When he loses that job (and it's almost guaranteed that he will), things will be back just the way they were.

iwantcontrol

summerpeach - what do you mean i am wrong?
Sometimes our relationship feels completely like a normal relationship - it isn't always focused on alcohol. that's why i keep thinking it can always be that way

iwantcontrol

suki - i hope i'm strong enough to not allow things to be the way they were.

suki44883

Please realize that there is nothing you can do about that. You do not have control of this situation. You only have control over yourself and so far, you have only allowed yourself to be so enmeshed in what he chooses to do that you allow him to control the relationship. He is the one in control because he does whatever he wants and, while you may not like it, you still stick around. You really need to let go of the fantasy.

iwantcontrol

i mean that is that happens and it returns to that situation I will back away from it and leave him to it. as soon as drinking every day starts I will leave him to it. thats not to day i'll defo leave him completely but i wont be around it. if that has to mean leaving the relationship then i think i can. i can't and wont put myself through that again.

Bolina

Have you looked back at your old posts and tried out some of the suggestions on there?

My ex got all of those things from me too. A soft place to fall, an escape from what was going on in his head (usually from the arguing being a distraction), an excuse to drink (the arguing thing again), an adult to pick up the pieces (and pay for them) which then created more arguments etc etc.

I realized, although mainly after I left, that none of that helped him. In fact, it hurt him. I was a block to him hitting his bottom. I can't give you a happy ending tale, though, because he just replaced me with someone else, and then someone else after that when she got fed up in short order. That's his MO and had nothing to do with me, reallly.

Oh, and I got rewarded by him playing nice sometimes. After all, why would I stay if it was crap ALL the time?

iwantcontrol

going home from work now - will do some exercise and get on with my list of things to do tonight.
i'm still worrying but there isn't anything i can do. it needs to run its course without me tryign to change it