OT- Smoking
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
OT- Smoking
Are there any non-smokers out there in relationships with smokers?
I have never tried even one puff of a cigarette in my life (I'm 34), or any other thing one can smoke (cigar, pot...). Nothing. Zilch and zip.
My SO is a pack a day smoker and has been for probably the last 35 years. I am so happy that he is no longer an alcoholic or drug addict (he has been clean/sober for 2 and a half years), but he does still smoke. Some say nicotine is the hardest addiction to break!
He obviously knows I wish he didn't smoke, but I never nag at him about it. I know that his health is his responsibility. He mentions it sometimes, that he knows he should quit, but has not made the effort to get the nicotine patches or even try the gum.
I do really love him, but sometimes in the dark recesses of my brain I ask myself why I am subjecting myself willingly to all this second hand smoke. There is quite a high cancer risk that runs in my family in the first place so why on earth am I willingly inhaling all these carcinogens?
He is quite considerate of me and generally only smokes when we are outside. He never smokes in my car or in my apartment. He does smoke when I am over at his but obviously it's his place so he can do what he wants.
It is not a deal breaker for me yet (and it may never be) because so many positives outweigh this one negative. I just want to know how some other non-smokers out there cope?
Anyone know someone that has managed to kick drugs, alcohol, AND smoking?
TIA,
T
I have never tried even one puff of a cigarette in my life (I'm 34), or any other thing one can smoke (cigar, pot...). Nothing. Zilch and zip.
My SO is a pack a day smoker and has been for probably the last 35 years. I am so happy that he is no longer an alcoholic or drug addict (he has been clean/sober for 2 and a half years), but he does still smoke. Some say nicotine is the hardest addiction to break!
He obviously knows I wish he didn't smoke, but I never nag at him about it. I know that his health is his responsibility. He mentions it sometimes, that he knows he should quit, but has not made the effort to get the nicotine patches or even try the gum.
I do really love him, but sometimes in the dark recesses of my brain I ask myself why I am subjecting myself willingly to all this second hand smoke. There is quite a high cancer risk that runs in my family in the first place so why on earth am I willingly inhaling all these carcinogens?
He is quite considerate of me and generally only smokes when we are outside. He never smokes in my car or in my apartment. He does smoke when I am over at his but obviously it's his place so he can do what he wants.
It is not a deal breaker for me yet (and it may never be) because so many positives outweigh this one negative. I just want to know how some other non-smokers out there cope?
Anyone know someone that has managed to kick drugs, alcohol, AND smoking?
TIA,
T
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
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Originally Posted by Tatertot 
Anyone know someone that has managed to kick drugs, alcohol, AND smoking?
WhyQuit.com has some excellent resources on quitting smoking.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Hot button for me!
My mother was a huge smoker (3 packs of Pall Mall a day, and she died at 69 of emphysema). My AH always smoked in the house. But then when he was sober for about 6 years, he actually quit smoking, too! It was great. Our clothes stopped reeking of smoke, our house smelled better. He said that he felt stupid for ever having smoked.
Then he relapsed, and a couple of years later the inevitable happened and he went back to smoking--but this time he started smoking those little cigars.
I HATE them. But I did put my foot down and tell him that NO WAY was he going to smoke in the house. It was great cleaning picture frames and having no tannish muck come off on the cloth. It was great having the smell of Tide linger on the sheets and other laundry.
He cheats and smokes in the house at night after I go to bed, but it's not as bad as it was when he smoked in the house all the time, so I'm just grateful we had that haitus, which enabled me to put my foot down this time around.
My mother was a huge smoker (3 packs of Pall Mall a day, and she died at 69 of emphysema). My AH always smoked in the house. But then when he was sober for about 6 years, he actually quit smoking, too! It was great. Our clothes stopped reeking of smoke, our house smelled better. He said that he felt stupid for ever having smoked.
Then he relapsed, and a couple of years later the inevitable happened and he went back to smoking--but this time he started smoking those little cigars.
I HATE them. But I did put my foot down and tell him that NO WAY was he going to smoke in the house. It was great cleaning picture frames and having no tannish muck come off on the cloth. It was great having the smell of Tide linger on the sheets and other laundry.
He cheats and smokes in the house at night after I go to bed, but it's not as bad as it was when he smoked in the house all the time, so I'm just grateful we had that haitus, which enabled me to put my foot down this time around.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
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I was the smoker in our relationship-my EXABF didn't smoke-it was what finally broke us up-because he "couldn't be with someone who was addicted" and couldn't stop what they were addicted to. Go figure that logic.
It was a convenient dislike-he had no problem as long as things were on a semi-even keel, it was only when he got totally drunk and argumentative that this would come up.
The whole irony was and still is - he is still drinking, but he has it "under control." Yes, I am still smoking, as Terminally Unique said, it is an extremely hard thing to give up. O freely admit it, that I am addicted to nicotine.
I am "on the list" for government sponsored nicotine patches and whether they will work, is the big question. I have to WANT to quit, just like I kept telling the ex that he had to WANT to quit drinking. But, I am going to give it another shot - I have 3 months worth of free patches and will try my damnedest to quit. Since I rent my house, I smoke outside - definitely smoke less that way, but it's no excuse - I do want to be smoke free but realistically know it will take more than one try to do it.
It was a convenient dislike-he had no problem as long as things were on a semi-even keel, it was only when he got totally drunk and argumentative that this would come up.
The whole irony was and still is - he is still drinking, but he has it "under control." Yes, I am still smoking, as Terminally Unique said, it is an extremely hard thing to give up. O freely admit it, that I am addicted to nicotine.
I am "on the list" for government sponsored nicotine patches and whether they will work, is the big question. I have to WANT to quit, just like I kept telling the ex that he had to WANT to quit drinking. But, I am going to give it another shot - I have 3 months worth of free patches and will try my damnedest to quit. Since I rent my house, I smoke outside - definitely smoke less that way, but it's no excuse - I do want to be smoke free but realistically know it will take more than one try to do it.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
The man I am dating right now is a smoker. I never thought I'd be dating a smoker, but I'll have to say that for now the positives far outweigh the negatives, so I'll try it.
We talk about it. I did set a boundary that I won't be around a smoker, so he makes sure to not smoke around me. Eating is one of his triggers, so he'll smoke before or after a meal if we're eating together, but he'll make sure he's downwind from me if we're both outside together. He also knows I won't kiss him if he smells of nicotine, so he keeps mouthwash and chewing gum in the car, washes his hands after smoking if he can, and makes sure not to exhale in my direction for the next few minutes after he smokes (since it's still in his lungs).
We've talked about it a lot, and he knows that the more serious the relationship becomes the more the smoking will bother me. He also says that he does want to quit, and has been doing some research into quitting aids, although he'll tell me that he wants to be honest and he's not quite ready to actually quit just yet. (He says he quit twice in his life - the first time 6 months later his father died, the second time 3 months later his mother died, both times he picked it up, so he wants to time it to coincide with a time not so stressful, which means he has a few other goals he wants to achieve first before tackling the smoking. I can respect that, and his honesty about it.)
So right now, it's working. He'll smoke outside, makes sure to air his car out before I get in it if he's been smoking, and smoke only in the bathroom (which has a vent fan) or his bedroom leading up to and during a time when I'll be visiting his apartment (and open up windows and put out incense and candles to help dampen the smell, too).
Does the smoking still bother me? Yes, I'll admit that it does, although due to the amount of respect he shows me regarding his smoking, going out of his way to minimize my exposure to it, my bigger concern about it has to do with the effects of his smoking on his health rather than the smoke itself (and ultimately, that's his decision, not mine).
We talk about it. I did set a boundary that I won't be around a smoker, so he makes sure to not smoke around me. Eating is one of his triggers, so he'll smoke before or after a meal if we're eating together, but he'll make sure he's downwind from me if we're both outside together. He also knows I won't kiss him if he smells of nicotine, so he keeps mouthwash and chewing gum in the car, washes his hands after smoking if he can, and makes sure not to exhale in my direction for the next few minutes after he smokes (since it's still in his lungs).
We've talked about it a lot, and he knows that the more serious the relationship becomes the more the smoking will bother me. He also says that he does want to quit, and has been doing some research into quitting aids, although he'll tell me that he wants to be honest and he's not quite ready to actually quit just yet. (He says he quit twice in his life - the first time 6 months later his father died, the second time 3 months later his mother died, both times he picked it up, so he wants to time it to coincide with a time not so stressful, which means he has a few other goals he wants to achieve first before tackling the smoking. I can respect that, and his honesty about it.)
So right now, it's working. He'll smoke outside, makes sure to air his car out before I get in it if he's been smoking, and smoke only in the bathroom (which has a vent fan) or his bedroom leading up to and during a time when I'll be visiting his apartment (and open up windows and put out incense and candles to help dampen the smell, too).
Does the smoking still bother me? Yes, I'll admit that it does, although due to the amount of respect he shows me regarding his smoking, going out of his way to minimize my exposure to it, my bigger concern about it has to do with the effects of his smoking on his health rather than the smoke itself (and ultimately, that's his decision, not mine).
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 1
Nothing is impossible until you make it possible..
All you need is WILL power to do it..
Even I was to be a smoker, I use to smoke like a pack a day..
I had a blood vomit once.. And even after having blood vomit I was unable to quit smoking..
All I could do was reduce the number of cigarette per day..
But, I found it very difficult to stop it completely..
One of my friend suggested me to do meditation every day morning with out fail and I started meditating everyday morning..
After 2-3months I was able to feel myself having control over me..
And today I am completely out of my smoking habit..
And I would like to thank a Audio Program which my friend suggested which really helped me a lot to quit smoking along with meditation..
You can find the link to the Audio Program in my signature..
If you need more tips on how to quit smoking U can PM me..
All you need is WILL power to do it..
Even I was to be a smoker, I use to smoke like a pack a day..
I had a blood vomit once.. And even after having blood vomit I was unable to quit smoking..
All I could do was reduce the number of cigarette per day..
But, I found it very difficult to stop it completely..
One of my friend suggested me to do meditation every day morning with out fail and I started meditating everyday morning..
After 2-3months I was able to feel myself having control over me..
And today I am completely out of my smoking habit..
And I would like to thank a Audio Program which my friend suggested which really helped me a lot to quit smoking along with meditation..
You can find the link to the Audio Program in my signature..
If you need more tips on how to quit smoking U can PM me..
Last edited by KaypyserupBrand; 11-15-2011 at 07:58 AM. Reason: Spelling Mistake
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I am a non-smoker and was married to a man that chewed. Ugh. I can't stand smoking or chewing. Never ever again. I will not get into a relationship with a smoker or a chewer. Not even a second date. I know this now and so I can make that decision from the beginning and save myself the dilemma of what to do after I've already become attached/invested and have to start weighing positives and negatives.
It seems like a minor issue but day in/day out it is not minor (to me) and I also see up close and personal what happens to someone's health after years of it. It is very sad and also not something I want to invite into my life.
I hope your SO decides to quit. I'm glad he is respecteful about it. I would say stay firm in your boundaries in this situation to protect your health and your sense of control/peace in your environment.
It seems like a minor issue but day in/day out it is not minor (to me) and I also see up close and personal what happens to someone's health after years of it. It is very sad and also not something I want to invite into my life.
I hope your SO decides to quit. I'm glad he is respecteful about it. I would say stay firm in your boundaries in this situation to protect your health and your sense of control/peace in your environment.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
Thank you for all the perspectives!
StarCat... our guys sound pretty similar... (except I don't think mine has ever quit smoking before) but I'm glad that yours also tries to minimize the impact his smoking has on your life.
It's actually kind of odd, this sense of... peace? calm? control? (I'm not sure of the word I'm looking for) but I have this odd sense that I'm glad that I am not putting any pressure on him to quit. I know that his quitting is out of my hands and if I were to put any kind of pressure on him it would only cause strife between us. The things he does for me to minimize the impact of his smoking on me, he does because he wants to. The only part I have control over is asking him not to smoke in my car or my apartment (he's allowed to smoke on the balcony). Everything else is on him. When we go to his mom and step-dad's house (they are non-smokers) they allow him to smoke inside, but when I'm there he will go out on the balcony to smoke anyway, even when they tell him he doesn't have to go out in the cold. He does it anyway out of respect for me. When we are at his tiny little bachelor apartment, he will always turn the fan on and open the windows and move as far away from me as he possibly can before he lights up.
I guess the question is, and after reading SoloMio's reply, it is making me think more seriously about the question... what will happen if/when we decide to take this relationship to the next step and possibly move in together? I mean I can handle the smoking now because I really only see him 2 to possibly 3 times per week. But what if I had to live with him full time? I honestly don't know.
I know that he KNOWS he should quit... but I also just don't think the desire is there for him yet. I agree the only time anyone will change is if THEY want to and they are doing it for themselves.
Sometimes I try to be funny and if we are standing in a group (pretty well ALL his friends smoke) and he is being generous and handing out cigarettes I will also hold out my hand for one but he will just laugh and say that I am not allowed to ever start smoking! (The group agrees with him, lol... they say that the only people who are never allowed to start smoking are me and one of the women's 13 year old daughter!)
So again thanks for the insight... I really do appreciate it. Getting other people's perspectives and experiences are absolutely invaluable to me. They make me see things that I might otherwise miss...
StarCat... our guys sound pretty similar... (except I don't think mine has ever quit smoking before) but I'm glad that yours also tries to minimize the impact his smoking has on your life.
It's actually kind of odd, this sense of... peace? calm? control? (I'm not sure of the word I'm looking for) but I have this odd sense that I'm glad that I am not putting any pressure on him to quit. I know that his quitting is out of my hands and if I were to put any kind of pressure on him it would only cause strife between us. The things he does for me to minimize the impact of his smoking on me, he does because he wants to. The only part I have control over is asking him not to smoke in my car or my apartment (he's allowed to smoke on the balcony). Everything else is on him. When we go to his mom and step-dad's house (they are non-smokers) they allow him to smoke inside, but when I'm there he will go out on the balcony to smoke anyway, even when they tell him he doesn't have to go out in the cold. He does it anyway out of respect for me. When we are at his tiny little bachelor apartment, he will always turn the fan on and open the windows and move as far away from me as he possibly can before he lights up.
I guess the question is, and after reading SoloMio's reply, it is making me think more seriously about the question... what will happen if/when we decide to take this relationship to the next step and possibly move in together? I mean I can handle the smoking now because I really only see him 2 to possibly 3 times per week. But what if I had to live with him full time? I honestly don't know.
I know that he KNOWS he should quit... but I also just don't think the desire is there for him yet. I agree the only time anyone will change is if THEY want to and they are doing it for themselves.
Sometimes I try to be funny and if we are standing in a group (pretty well ALL his friends smoke) and he is being generous and handing out cigarettes I will also hold out my hand for one but he will just laugh and say that I am not allowed to ever start smoking! (The group agrees with him, lol... they say that the only people who are never allowed to start smoking are me and one of the women's 13 year old daughter!)
So again thanks for the insight... I really do appreciate it. Getting other people's perspectives and experiences are absolutely invaluable to me. They make me see things that I might otherwise miss...
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