kia

i just feel tonite that im on a revolving round about and just going over and over old ground round and round and where will it stop i was gonna ask if its normal to have the A wake up after falling asleep yet again right on tea time and cause i finished off the tea he had started im controlling so im meant to wait till he wakes up which wouldnt of been when he did but for the dog barking again.
This time last week the same argument only was his birthday then same controlling behaviour only difference been my response to it i just detached refused to engage which has now made him livid hes sat there stewing and eventually maybe tomorrow as last week he will come to me and say yet sorry that hes in the wrong again as he got told when he tried to make me fight with him looking for an excuse to drink well he aint got it from me

coffeedrinker

honey, are you ready to stop being with actively using addicts and wishing they were boyfriends?

kia

its so hard when they love u though coffee he did as predicted came into bedroom at 1 this morning to say sorry he did other day admit to himself hes an alcoholic and asked me to help him i said u need to go to docs and they will help u or AA and he gave me aload of gumpf about how they were involved in stuff in second world war sounded like excuses to me though.
One thing i do know is im exhausted and came to conclusion that me and him will never be able to live together while hes still actively drinking its just a question of how much more i can take though isnt who snaps first

bookwyrm

Morning Kia! It sounds like you're starting to reach your bottom. I thought XAH loved me too - turned out he loved his alcohol more and I was fed up being second to it. You are NOT responsible for how he feels. You aren't responsible for his 'love'. Just because he loves you, doesn't mean you have to live the way you have been or endure how he treats you. You really do deserve better, especially from someone who is supposed to love you.

XAH also said the same things to me about quitting drinking. They were just empty words, said out of guilt. Nothing changed.

My mantra when I started to reach the end of my tether was 'Nothing changes if nothing changes'. How can you change the repetition? What one small thing can you do for you today to make your life that little bit better?

:ghug3

Tally

You don't have to wait until you "snap". Why do that to yourself. I waited 7 years, the last two he was sober and it/he didn't change a bit. I let myself hit "my bottom" before the change in me occurred, if you can get out before doing that then I recommend doing it.

The sorrys probably aren't genuine, if he's anything like my A then they're just softeners to butter you up and make you snap out of the bad mood. Then they'll behave for a couple of weeks until they mess up again, rant, blame....you react and then comes the apology. Same cycle, they're not gonna break it cos they need an enabler, someone who'll put up with their crap.

coffeedrinker

Kia,

How can we help you break this destructive cycle?

I'm gonna sound kind of mean here, but since when did we really believe "love" was enough to make a relationship? Like when we were teenagers? Like when we watched Cinderella and thought that if he showed up in a prince suit, we'd ride off together and have a great life? Or maybe even into our 20's. But then we get a different world view, we mature, and we know better.

I know, even when we learn that it takes more than love, we still hold out because we think something is gonna change. And we believe this for a really long time -- that's called Denial.

Sounds like you are leaving Denial Land. Just remember what Bookwym said:
"nothing changes if nothing changes". So, it doesn't matter if he says he wants to get sober, or if he apologizes. Of course he probably even means it at the time, but that's not action! And those things keep you hooked!

How can we help you, Kia?

Summerpeach

Ugh, I am so not fond of when others tell others to get out. It's like telling the addict to stop drinking.
Has anyone said "Good idea, I'll leave because you told me to" when someone suggest leaving their A's? No, and in Al Anon, no one tells you to leave or stay.

Maybe Kia needs to hit her own bottom at her own pace. You cannot heal unless you're ready. We don't learn to grow from others experiences, we learn from falling on our faces all on our own.

Change is relative and is not the same for everyone.

coffeedrinker

point taken, summer.

i was going for "respectful" when i asked how we could help, instead of telling her what to do.

it gets difficult knowing any words to say, when the poster shows up in pain, then leaves the forum, shows up again, etc. i do want this to be a safe place for all to come to, whenever they want....i do get weary sometimes however.

i am sorry if i made unwelcome comments, kia. i do hope, and think, that you know they were made from of place of compassion.


and...sometimes when the alcoholic's life is a mess, and he/she reaches out to a trusted person for support, they are told to stop drinking. and sometimes, they follow through.