WhiteForestQuee

my boyfriend and i have been dating for just over 18 months now, and things have taken a turn for the absolute worse. he confessed to me the other day that he has been smoking pot for about the last month, 3 or 4 times a week with his friends. he also admitted he had taken me for granted over the summer and he was unhappy and bottled up all his emotions, which led him to smoking. he knows how i am completely against that stuff, and he was just the same about it a year ago. he had some very strong opinions about drugs and our group of friends that smoked, and now he does it! i feel so backstabbed and i can no longer trust him. i told him how much he's hurt me and how i feel about it all. i told him if he really loved me he would quit for me. he backfired by telling me that it's not that bad, and if our relationship gets better he will no longer smoke as much because he will be happy. so he'll only smoke "to have fun" once in a while ( around once a month). i feel like he is picking the drugs over me and he truly has no idea how much he has hurt me. a few months ago i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and now i'm not sure anymore. i don't feel like i know him anymore. he said he confessed this all to me because he tried picturing his life without me and he realized he couldn't live without me, which i don't believe, because if he really did feel that way, he would quit. i'm so confused, hurt, betrayed, angry and i don't know what to do. we are going to see each other possibly tomorrow night, where i'll have a change to talk to him face to face. i don't want to see him hurt himself like this. he says that he can "have control" over it and there's nothing wrong with smoking if you "have control", but i disagree. i don't think he can have control.
as much as i can't live so unhappy and hurt like this, i don't think i can let him go. after everything we've been through, i don't think i can actually say that it's over. i love him, so much, and i care so much about him. i just want everything to be okay. i want my old boyfriend back, more than anything in the world. i have no idea what to do anymore...

i want to let his mom know what's going on.not out of anger or revenge, but out of love. i want him to get better. maybe she can get him help? i don't want him throwing his life away.

dollydo

Hi, welcome to our world, one of disappointment and stress.

I do understand what you are stressing over. All I can say is that there is not a thing you can do about the situation. It does not hindge on your relationship with him. It lies soley with him. He cannot and will not stop for you or his Mom. He will only stop when he is ready and it will be his decision, for him.

I believe that pot is a gateway drug, especially for young adults. Addiction is a progressive disease, and, I would bet that he has already tried other drugs.

Why not consider giving your relationship a break for awhile and see what he does. See if he seeks recovery and drops his druggie friends.

If the relationship is mean't to be, it will be. Can't force it.

outtolunch

Putting aside the quasi legality of pot, is there any difference between smoking pot 3-4 times a week and having say a few glasses of wine 3-4 times a week?

You sound like you feel personally betrayed because he chooses to smoke pot and want him to prove his love for you and cease smoking. That you want to tell his mom sounds like a mistaken belief that she controls him. Both sound rooted in your control issues. His mom cannot control the choices her son makes just as you cannot do so.

He claims the reason he smokes pot is because he resents that you are trying to control him and around we go. Have you considered that getting a buzz on has absolutely nothing to do with you? He likes the high. Most pot smokers do not proceed to shooting up heroin just like most consumers of alcohol do not become alcoholics. Both however can be the gateway to other substances.

Sounds like you have establised half a boundary. Associating with people who smoke pot sounds like a deal breaker for you and the first half of a boundary.When your boundary attempts to manipulate the outcome and eliminate other people's choices, that a control issue.

If his pot smoking is a deal breaker for you, remove yourself from the situation.

NightandDay

It's hard to hear these words, isn't it? I know that's not what I wanted to hear when I first started posting here (only 2 months ago), but I can tell you with all I've been through with my possibly exABF, it is the absolute truth.

It's not your relationship that is making him do drugs, although perhaps it is a trigger for him. But there is nothing you can do to make it not be a trigger -- HE has to figure out what is bothering him emotionally that drives him to smoke weed. You can't fix it! Without his understanding and acceptance that his drug use is HIS choice, all of your perfect behavior and good intentions won't matter a lick.

So, if you want. . you can tell his mom. If you think someone needs to be aware of the situation. I told my exABF's brother about his drug use. But his brother didn't do enough to stop it. So I told his parents. And they didn't either. So I told his close circle of friends, who knew and were worried, but didn't know what to do. So I told more friends. And then I formulated a plan, it took months and months of work, countless emails, phone calls . . . it was a full time job. My ex finally got to rehab. Yay!! I was so good at my job! It was all gonna work out.

Except that isn't how it works. Right now I'm not speaking to exABF, and not because I hate him. Not because it's over for good. I'm not speaking to him because I CANNOT FOCUS ON HIM ANYMORE. His recovery, if he wants it, is his business. It's not mine. I tried to make it my business and even when it looked like I was succeeding, the return on my huge investment in his life was meager. Because I am powerless over him, I am powerless over other people. The only thing I can change is myself - my behavior, my thought patterns, my reactions.

I hated it when I would post about the drama we were going through and people would write back, "Take care of you! What are you doing for yourself?" Those words meant nothing to me. What do you mean, what am I doing for myself?????? I'm trying to fix my boyfriend, you dumb people!

But I was in enough pain, I was confused enough that I gave in a little bit. . . I went to Al-Anon, I started posting more here. . . I began listening to people who had been through this before. I didn't like everyone's responses, but I really did try to listen with an open heart and open mind.

I can tell you that to try to get him off drugs, to involve his family and friends in hopes that something will change will only bring you more stress and disappointment. It will make your life crazy! But it might be what you have to go through, too. I want to tell you to just not talk to his mom and leave him, but of course that sounds extreme. We each have to go through stages in order to come to the realization that the best way to help the addict we love is to focus on the changes we can make in ourselves. I'm just at the beginning of this process. But you are in the right place, and there are a lot of great people here who can support and challenge you. Stick around and keep posting.

And don't for a second believe his BS that he needs things in his life to be better to stop getting high. All he needs to stop getting high is the desire and the will to confront who he is. Until he does that. . . . he will keep using it as a means of escape and the issues surrounding his drug use won't come to light.

outtolunch

I resemble that situation as it relates to my daughter.