LexieCat

I asked this woman to be my sponsor close to a year ago, and she has nudged me several times about working the steps with her. I'm grateful she hasn't cut my procrastinating butt off--if she had, I probably would have repeated the same process with someone else. We have had some good and helpful conversations, but with me it's always an excuse of some kind. Typically, it is that I am feeling overwhelmed with life--particularly my job, but even simple stuff like taking care of personal business--keeping my house clean, taking care of my health, cooking, having fun--becomes a huge deal in my mind.

We roomed together at the International Convention in San Antonio in July, and I agreed, with some reluctance, it is TIME. Since then, it's become more and more clear to me (and thanks to the people here, who have given me a deeper understanding of what AA is and why the steps are important to actually WORK, rather than just read about and think about) that this is what I need to do to stop feeling stuck in a rut.

So today we are meeting to go through the first three steps. I will admit I feel nervous--not about those three steps but the ones to come. Still, just as I felt when I finally was ready to quit drinking (even though that thought was a little scary), I feel a bit of excitement and hope mixed in. I'm tired of feeling the way I do, and I have a better understanding that the work I need to do is what has been holding me back.

I feel more than a little embarrassed I've been sober two years without doing the work, but I guess later is better than never. I need to let go of my fear, and start trusting. I have a very hard time really opening myself up to people. I can share embarrassing anecdotes with the best of them, but the dark, yucky stuff inside is what I need to get rid of.

It's hard for me to ask for help and support for myself, but I'm gonna have to get some practice.

Thanks for listening, and support and prayers are welcome.

barb dwyer

(((Lexie)))

I'm totally STOKED for you!!!!

This is where we make the change!
where it is made REAL!!!!

I CAN'T BE OTHER THAN EXCITED FOR YOU!!!!!

The only thing we have to change is everything!!!

this is how it's done - you ROCK!!

GettingStronger2

Awesome, Lex!

yeah, the first three steps are actually really, really easy ones for me. 4 looms on the horizon, though. The thought of it, well, makes me want to run for cover!

I am proud of you for stepping up and making the decision to work your program. You know how important it is.

God bless.

barb dwyer

It means you're ready to be the one making changes.

Instead of sitting around talking about how you just can't.

You're DOING it.

There's such a GULF of difference between the talkers and the DOers...

Sorry about all the exclamation points in the former post -
looks like a crazy person wrote that.

sorry!

LexieCat

Hey, I'm glad you found 'em. We just accused someone on another forum of mine of cleaning out the internet's supply.

I was sure there were a few more lyin' around out there.

shaun00

You may feel different about certain steps your worried about once you have completed the ones prior.......well that was my experience.

I thought long and hard for a way round nine way before i was any where near it......it involved my x wife and she was to blame right..

by the time i got to 9 it was very clear whom was to blame..lol.........

good luck and relax............what have you got to lose apart from stuff that keeps us nailed in the problem.

im looking forward to your future posts...................shaun.

Tommyh

good luck Lexie

AW2486

Your post reminded me of the old argument about when a people should do the steps. Understanding both sides of the argument, I have to rely on my own experience and working with others. People do the steps when they do the steps. Some do it fast, and in my case some do it very slow. All of us have our own experience with it. Don't beat yourself up for not doing them sooner. Glad to see your ready to start the journey in the steps.

yeahgr8

How exciting, great stuff:-)

You know we have talked here about not working the steps as soon as people come in quite a lot recently...you've been in approx 2 years and are going to work them so your ESH is that...when you are half way through the steps you will be sharing that you've been in approx 2 years and are half way through the steps if a newcomer asks about how AA works...

I guarantee, without a doubt, though, if you are rigorously honest with the step work, that by the time you have finished step 9 you will then share ive been in approx 2 years, have just finished the steps and will suggest (or a stronger word) that the newcomer doesn't wait as long as you did to work the steps straight away and be able to explain why...cant wait to hear more about your progress and to see what you say when you are half way to finishing step 9:-)

Really happy for you :ghug3

ps my sponsor just finished taking a guy through the steps who had been sober in the rooms for 8 years without working a single step in effect...his first comment after finishing step 9 was why the **** did no-one tell me to work the steps (you can imagine my sponsor and mine answer to this remark...it involves a lot of censored words and you must be joking)...hes a different person, amazing to see, and soooo much happier!

LSNP

How long have you been sober, Lex? I read the post without realizing it was you (somehow, I've glommed on to you... don't know why), and was astounded that you have not yet worked the steps.

yeahgr8

I just wanted to add one more thing Lex...i don't see the time you have been in without working the steps as relevant at all anymore...you have made a decision to work them and IMO that will be your focus now and i hope you will be able to concentrate on that...plenty of time for any analysing after you finish...but im pretty sure by then you wont be interested in analysing anymore anyway;-)

BP44

It took me a total of 17 years from the time I walked into my first AA meeting to sit down with another alcoholic with the book open between us. In that 17 years I had periods of sobriety that I thought was "good". 3 1/2 years ago I surrendered, I was done. Done trying to live with booze, that was obvious, I had been separated for the previous 2 years. But now I was done trying to live without booze and without a solution. The past 3 1/2 years have been the best of my life and it keeps getting better. Trust me, there is a world of difference between some book knowledge and knowledge about what others have experienced, and having your own experience with that. One of my worse defects was that prior to doing the work, I would give you and opinion based on an experience that I'd never had. Today I'm grateful that I can share about experiences I've had.

CarolD

Congratulations Lexie....

Step work gave me a deeper insite to my core values
and shaped me into the woman I desired to be.

I'm excited for you....

Charmie

your in for the ride of your life

LexieCat

Thanks, everyone,

We met at the church where her Saturday night group meets--nice day, so we sat at the picnic table. I wasn't planning to go to the meeting (not my regular group and I had something I had to do at 9 pm), but the guy chairing showed up and kinda rubbed his hands and said, Oooh, good, a SPEAKER. LOL, so I got shanghai'd.

What we did was just talk about how she wants to approach all this. She showed me how to work a Fourth Step (using a little bit of her own as an example, showing me how she decided to put down certain names and a few additional details that she'd found were helpful). She wants me to start on the Fourth Step and we can go back to the first three as I'm working on the Fourth (she knows I've already done the first three myself).

When I've been the speaker the last couple of times (twice in the past week), I was up front that I hadn't worked the Steps yet, but that I now understand why it's necessary, and that I didn't recommend anyone wait as long as I did. LOL, the ol' "do as I say, not as I did."

I think in my case it both helped me and hurt me that I'd been around AA for so long because of my partners' alcoholism. I had just enough knowledge to think I knew it all. Some of what I knew did help me, but it probably delayed my getting to work on the Steps.

I feel better that the ball is finally rolling on this. And I'm really grateful to all of you for quietly (lol, or, in some cases, NOT so quietly) insisting on their importance. Being here has opened my eyes quite a bit. I've been hearing "work the Steps" in meetings since I first walked in, but you have all explained it in a way that makes sense to me.

So, here I go!

barb dwyer

dropped back by to see how it went - thanks for posting!

DayTrader

Yanno Lex, I feel "funny" everytime I go through the steps again myself. For me, it's hard to accept that I missed this or that up until now. It's o ly been within the last several months that Ive learned to accept where I am and not feel ashamed, silly or guilty for not being "more advanced" like I think I should be.

I think we are where we are be ause there is a higher power at work. It's also occurred to me that it's part of humility to accept where I am rather than lament not being where I want to be. .

chicory

[QUOTE=LexieCat

It's hard for me to ask for help and support for myself, but I'm gonna have to get some practice.

Thanks for listening, and support and prayers are welcome.[/QUOTE]

Hey girl,
I'm here for ya. Sending prayers and support, too. What ever I may have to do that with, is yours.
I am excited for you- let me know how it goes. I was just wondering what the difference between reading, thinking about, and actually "working" the steps is.

I think you are great, and you have been supportive of me. I appreciate you.
I juts know its gonna go well- you are a winner.

hugs,
chicory

LexieCat

That's probably very true. I've often heard people say "you are right where you're supposed to be." In my case, I had to get uncomfortable enough with myself and my life to have the willingness.

If I'd come in and found it impossible to stay sober without working the steps immediately, I probably would have done it sooner. Slower process in my case, though the result is ultimately the same--finding sober life uncomfortable enough to give me the push that is needed to find the willingness. We seem to need SOMETHING to push us to "willing". So long as it was enough for me to have the misery of drinking gone, I wasn't willing. I had to experience the misery of life without the booze to soften the edges to get willing.

AW2486

So true. The bottom has been raised a lot since the early days of AA. Most of my desperation / surrender points happened in AA with years of sobriety.