NewGrowth

I've been trying to find people to hang out with outside of an AA meeting. It's been tough going.

I still feel like an outsider. I don't listen to the same music, watch the same shows or have a lot of the same cultural references as the people I've met so far. I'm trying to find things we have in common to talk about besides alcohol. I feel like I'm missing something.

How did you find friends in AA? How long did it take you and what did it look/feel like?

keithj

My experience has been that trying to find friends in AA left me with no solution. Finding the solution in AA left me with many friends of all sorts of varied interests. Even some people that I normally wouldn't mix with.

Serious, though. It's kind of always surprised me how close I've grown to some folks in the program that I wouldn't have picked from the start. Over time, those people engaged in the common solution became more attractive to me.

It's not what I would have chosen for myself, but it's far better.

24hrsAday

i Agree.. i Have Friends i Never Would Have if Not For A.A.

NewGrowth

Thank you very much for replying. How do you talk to them? I mean at first- what did you do, specifically? I'm open to having people that I wouldn't normally choose- I just have no idea how to talk to them. What do I talk about?

So far I have done this-
"Hi" (me)
"Hi" (them)
"I'm new"
"Oh, I'm ___. nice to meet you"
"I'm ___. Nice to meet you too"

Then I don't know what to say. I'm so frustrated. I feel like an idiot and a failure at AA.

How do you move from introduction to 'hanging out' or 'getting coffee'. Even then- what in the world do you talk about? What's the point of reference?

[I have Aspergers (as if that isn't obvious) and this is killing me that I can't get this leg of my sobriety stool. I can work steps, volunteer/service but community? HOW is it done?]

Mark75

How about... "You want to go get some coffee with me?"

I know it must be hard with that aspergers thing... I know some who have it to some degree, and it must be very challenging... kind of like shyness to the tenth power... But, as Nike says... just do it, keep doing it, until something happens. And it will

DayTrader

At first, I was too self conscious to really make any friends in AA. It was pretty lonely to be frank. I used to kind-of hold it against "them" that, in this supposed WE program, they were ignoring me and leaving me out do dry. I guess all I can say is it wasn't "them".. it was me.

The more I went to meetings the more comfortable I got saying hi, asking questions, etc. If all my problems are of my own making (and I believe they are) it finally got time for me to start doing something about it. I started hanging out with the smokers after meetings and would show up early to hang out with the greeters. I started looking for "the winners" I kept hearing about and I also looked for the ppl who were new like me. I made friends in both groups.

"...the courage to change the things I can"

It IS tough at first, but it gets exponentially easier as time goes by.

Thank someone who said something you liked after the table/meeting is over
Ask someone you respect what literature they suggest
Ask 'em if the coffee's any good - LOL
really though...just try to strike up a conversation about anything. If you're new, they know you're new, and they may just be trying not to make you feel pressured.

Zencat

I'm a member at the local Alano Club where a good many people are members of AA too. Maybe there's an Alano Club near you. Its a place to hang out with other sober people and socialize.

keithj

Well, I'm big on taking the bull by the horns and sticking your own hand out. But that is really, really tough for the new guy, scared and shaky, not knowing how this works or what to expect.

A lot of this is the responsibility of the people that have been there before.

Stand up, spot that new guy, invite him out for coffee. Put your arms around him and don't let go.

Stop huddling in our little cliques after the meeting like you have to earn your way into our little secret 'cool sober club.'

'If he wants what I have, he'll come ask for it,' kind of crap we fall in to. The scared new guy doesn't have the strength to pick up that phone. So how about me calling him. That works too.

'Hey man, I'm heading over to that 7pm meeting. You want to meet there early and talk about the solution?"

Or, probably more productive, just invite the new person along to whatever it is you are doing.

aasharon90

I brought things to eat
at my meetings. It was
my service work.

I am not much of a stay
around after the meeting
kind of person, so bringing
my tray of cookies or some-
thing i baked allowed me
to stay for my tray.

And as I waited people began
to thank me, then they began
waiting for me to arrive at
meetings with my tray.

I brought something to every
meeting i went to and it was
alot. So I became the "cake
lady".

I began to feel like I belonged.


As a mom and wife all I knew
was topics on children and
wifey things.

That was yrs ago.

Today im remarried and
at 50 got my motorcycle
endorsement, watch LA
rider, talk dress motorcycles,
tattoos and recovery.

You talk about the experiences
you've aquired over the yrs.

Your childhood sports, likes
dislikes, fishing, shopping.

Maybe u are good at chess.
Art. Music. My kids played
instruments in HS and being
in band i was exposed to
classical, band, symphonic
music.

What about plants, flowers,
building things.

You may have a hidden talent
that ur not aware of.

There is so much out there
in the world to explore and
enjoy in recovery.

Most people who ride
motorcycle enjoy the
open road. Just them
and road. enjoying
the world outside a car.

As a passenger on a bike
now, I love it.

RobbyRobot

Aspergers Syndrome will of course make it difficult to have ordinary and easy going friendships in AA (and any where else for that matter if not approached thoughtfully.) I'm sorry for your troubles. Socially you have additional challenges which must be honestly accepted by your peers and friends in your AA meetings. I would bring your medical condition to the attention of the leaders in your home group. Good standing members will be more than happy to help you begin to achieve some social success within the AA fellowship. Aspergers does not have to be the thing that keeps you struggling within the fellowship. Do some (any) members already know and accept your Aspergers and the added responsibilities and challenges you and your friends face? Or (possibly) are you trying to do the fellowship thing without really letting people know about your ongoing medical condition?

I see no reason why you, like anyone else, can't have positive experiences within the AA fellowship and social friendships if everybody is being honest with each other about each other. Honesty and Truth rule in good solid validated friendships. Trust and faith of friendships in action will easily support and nourish enjoyable situations for growth and affirmations of: "I'm okay. Your okay. Let's be friends."

I hope you and others can work through your ongoing challenges. At the end of the day the best way to have friends is to simply just be a good friend to others. Not really more complicated than that. What goes around comes around and so what we offer others is usually a good place to start to understand what we might be getting back from others.

I hope things get better quickly and smoothly as you find new friends in AA and elsewhere. Cheers!

Robby

Tommyh

when I was new,i fell in with a group about my same age.We had some stuff different and some stuff in common.
We gradually settled into some long term friendships.It does take a while,I used to feel the same.Don`t give up..

BadCompany

Good, if you ain't failing at some level in AA you're not working the program hard enough.

First remember that not all AA meetings are "social".

Get to the meeting at least 15 minutes early and after the prayer go back to your seat and sit there for at least 15 minutes after the meeting. If it is a "social" meeting people will begin to see you as a fixture and not just another "fly through" and the socialization will begin.

shaun00

Ohh man i wanted to be in the cool club......i never did get excepted by them.
i had a crap cell phone and a old van....not cool...lol.

i found interaction difficult at first.....grinding my teeth and looking ready to tear peoples heads off probably didnt help....

friends will come....i wouldnt let it bother you too much.........coffee after the meeting is the done thing round here....

i spent a large amount of time with my sponsor in the early days....he was one person that put up with me.....

im still not in the cool club.....lol..lol.........maybe because ive still got the old van....and witter on about god alot..lol.

todd6138

AA is a program of attraction rather than promotion... all I have had to do is be more of what AA is than what it isn't, and I have made more friends; just by being encouraging to others and tolerant of other people's ideas. Before that, I had an agenda and opinion for everything. Which is why I am a drunk- lol. I try to realize everyday that I am not or ever was the big **** on the block.

hrhxtc

I use to belong to a big group, we would get 200 plus people. I live in a city of 5 million people. Newcomers could easily get lost. After the meeting I was always busy with sponsees, or treasurer duties, or putting chairs away. I tried to talk to the newcomer as much as possible but it wasn't easy. HOWEVER I always went for coffee/dinner after the meeting (Fri. night meeting). Anyone was welcome to join me.

I would suggest that you start talking to people who are active in your group. The Treasurer, Secretary, Group Director/Master Chair etc. I bet they go for coffee after the meeting. The other thing you can is go to lots of meetings. You will meet many more people, and you are more likely to meet people who share your outside interests.

I rarely go to meetings anymore (still sober) but I have still have a host of friends from the fellowship. I met my best friend from AA.

pinetree

The best job in AA is the coffee maker. I had to get there a little and I got to meet everyone. It really made me feel apart of the group. pinetree