Needing a little common sense.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
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Needing a little common sense.
Well something has changed and I wanted to vent here. I posted before that my husband and I still have some bills in common which means that I have to ask or remind him each month to send me a check. We work at the same place so he generally prefers to talk at work or hand the check to me. In the beginning of our separation I informed him then that he could check on line to find out his part of the bills and mail me a check - I did not want to talk about our personal business at work and I didn't want to have to call or email or whatever. He always pays which is not the problem - he says he gets confused etc looking at things on line so I have to ask. In recent months he started to harrass me for money every time I asked but still paid his part.
Last week yet another bill came in and I brought it into work and walked up to him with it - (a change for me) and to my surprise he was nice to me and thanked me for it. He then veryyyy nicely asked if bringing in a check the next day was fine. He was NICE. I ended up being out the next few days and found an email - again NICE - I have the check when will you be back at work or would you prefer I mail it to you? Shock!
He even looks at me now instead of avoiding eye contact and his demeanor is softer. This is playing games with my head and emotions. He is nice and I start day dreaming about reunification....
so that is why I am posting. I need to stop doing this. I am guessing that he is sober again. HELP!
Last week yet another bill came in and I brought it into work and walked up to him with it - (a change for me) and to my surprise he was nice to me and thanked me for it. He then veryyyy nicely asked if bringing in a check the next day was fine. He was NICE. I ended up being out the next few days and found an email - again NICE - I have the check when will you be back at work or would you prefer I mail it to you? Shock!
He even looks at me now instead of avoiding eye contact and his demeanor is softer. This is playing games with my head and emotions. He is nice and I start day dreaming about reunification....
so that is why I am posting. I need to stop doing this. I am guessing that he is sober again. HELP!
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I posted on another thread a few days ago that one of the greatest gifts recovery has given me is the ability to take things at face value.
His being nice doesn't mean he's sober.
His being nice doesn't mean you will reconcile.
It just means he's being nice right now.
So, enjoy it for what it is rather than future-tripping over what it means. This is essentially what it means to live in the present moment. Nobody knows what will happen tomorrow, but you can sure miss out on today worrying about it.
L
P.S. Is there any way to separate the finances so you don't have to put yourself in this position every month?
His being nice doesn't mean he's sober.
His being nice doesn't mean you will reconcile.
It just means he's being nice right now.
So, enjoy it for what it is rather than future-tripping over what it means. This is essentially what it means to live in the present moment. Nobody knows what will happen tomorrow, but you can sure miss out on today worrying about it.
L
P.S. Is there any way to separate the finances so you don't have to put yourself in this position every month?
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Enjoy the "nice" while it lasts, without pulling it to bits to find out the "why is it so". It may end tomorrow, next week or next year, but while it is "nice", accept and enjoy it.
There is no rule that because he is nice, and may be sober, you need look at reconciling....you don't have to think about it other than what it is, pleasanter than it has been to deal with him.
God bless
There is no rule that because he is nice, and may be sober, you need look at reconciling....you don't have to think about it other than what it is, pleasanter than it has been to deal with him.
God bless
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
When I was living with my XABF and we would have those golden moments where we could talk, have a meal, watch a show, or whatever, I would feel a little wavering in the back of my mind. I'd start asking those questions, too. Is he abstaining? Could we talk about recovery? Is he open to working things out now? etc. etc.
It helped me to stay the course in my recovery in these time to remember that the higher in the clouds my thinking became the harder the fall was when reality struck.
His recovery, or in my XABF's case lack of recovery, was not my business. My business was how I was treated by him and keeping my boundaries surrounding that.
It sounds as if your hubby is just treating you as you should be treated. Common courtesy in the workplace and polite and accomodating over a business arrangement. Not exactly a reason to start up (or restart) a relationship with someone. If that were true, I'd consider marrying my mailman.
Your on your own path. Stay with it!!
Alice
It helped me to stay the course in my recovery in these time to remember that the higher in the clouds my thinking became the harder the fall was when reality struck.
His recovery, or in my XABF's case lack of recovery, was not my business. My business was how I was treated by him and keeping my boundaries surrounding that.
It sounds as if your hubby is just treating you as you should be treated. Common courtesy in the workplace and polite and accomodating over a business arrangement. Not exactly a reason to start up (or restart) a relationship with someone. If that were true, I'd consider marrying my mailman.
Your on your own path. Stay with it!!
Alice
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
alice - love the analogy - the mailman? so down to earth!
LTD and others - I completely agree with the thoughts that it is what it is today. Nothing more - I just needed the reality check - thanks! Thought if I posted I could regain a healthy perspective from everyone. Sober or not - the point for me is how am I treated and am I OK. I found I can tell when he is sober or not and that is where some of this is coming from. I was mostly certain that he had relapsed - which wasn't the issue for me as much as how he was treating me. Since we have an amazing chemistry it is important to stay realistic!
I realized that the thoughts were zapping my energy today and thought it was wiser to post then to allow those thoughts to stay any longer. He has been changeable in the past - it certainly isn't close to what normal is between partners so I think I have my emotions balanced for the moment.
LTD and others - I completely agree with the thoughts that it is what it is today. Nothing more - I just needed the reality check - thanks! Thought if I posted I could regain a healthy perspective from everyone. Sober or not - the point for me is how am I treated and am I OK. I found I can tell when he is sober or not and that is where some of this is coming from. I was mostly certain that he had relapsed - which wasn't the issue for me as much as how he was treating me. Since we have an amazing chemistry it is important to stay realistic!
I realized that the thoughts were zapping my energy today and thought it was wiser to post then to allow those thoughts to stay any longer. He has been changeable in the past - it certainly isn't close to what normal is between partners so I think I have my emotions balanced for the moment.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I realized that the thoughts were zapping my energy today and thought it was wiser to post then to allow those thoughts to stay any longer.
Great strategy!
I have to do similar things to move foward also. Someone who treats me poorly whom I've considered toxic and avoid outright can break through my walls with one friendly conversation or a kind act. It shouldn't be so, but it is. Treat me nicely and I seem to go into complete denial there was ever a reason to stay away.
I am still far too quick to turn someone else's mood change, blame shifting, or redirected anxiety into a personal attack on me. I let it become a complete distraction and gut churning stressor. The time I sit with the problem is lessening, but I've not yet mastered shutting it down from the start.
Somedays, I feel like an feather on the wind just getting blown by whatever breeze catches me.
Having a safe outlet to be still and wait out the emotions this roller coaster of relating to others brings, is sound advice!!
Alice
Great strategy!
I have to do similar things to move foward also. Someone who treats me poorly whom I've considered toxic and avoid outright can break through my walls with one friendly conversation or a kind act. It shouldn't be so, but it is. Treat me nicely and I seem to go into complete denial there was ever a reason to stay away.
I am still far too quick to turn someone else's mood change, blame shifting, or redirected anxiety into a personal attack on me. I let it become a complete distraction and gut churning stressor. The time I sit with the problem is lessening, but I've not yet mastered shutting it down from the start.
Somedays, I feel like an feather on the wind just getting blown by whatever breeze catches me.
Having a safe outlet to be still and wait out the emotions this roller coaster of relating to others brings, is sound advice!!
Alice
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