Screwed up...FML
Grateful Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
Screwed up...FML
After being sober for over a month, I got drunk last night. After making it through nearly impossible situations without it, I succumbed to the drink. I'm SOOO hating myself right now. I can't f***ing believe I did it. I know that nearly everyone who quits, stumbles at least once, but I didn't think I would. I know exactly why I did it, but it doesn't matter. What matters is now I have to say I'm on day 1 again. And that blows. I am so full of self loathing. 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 426
Dust yourself off and start again. At least you know why you fell, and that is a place to start. You can use the tools you have learned over the past month to do another month again but this time even better, stronger, and longer and set yourself up for long term health.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
if you were running a marathon and stumbled on say Mile 4-5, would you go back to the start of Mile #1? I don't think so....you would pick up, check for injuries and keep trudging along.
you should not loathe yourself, you are human and we all make mistakes and learn from them.
you should not loathe yourself, you are human and we all make mistakes and learn from them.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
It does suck when you get through the tough beginning stage of quitting. The withdrawl and just the new habits. Then feeling like your back at square one again. I dont see it like that.
You know a number is just a number. Its the experience that you gain that matters to me. I may lose my number of days consecutively clean. But I will never lose the knowledge and experience I have learned so far. That never goes back to nothing. Unless you bump your head and forget.
But I need to remember to stay aware of what happened and why. And most of all how I can make sure it doesnt happen again.
Relapse is NOT a part of recovery. I dont believe that for a minute. It may be part of my story, But not anothers. Its not a part of my fathers recovery. And he has 25 yrs sober. Not one relapse.
My good friend in the rooms has 2 1/2 yrs from a 28 year crack addiciton in the street. She was living in a dumpster and weighed 72 lbs when she was arrested and mandated to treatment for the first time. She has not relapsed. And she still works a great program and stays commited to her sobriety.
Mine is just the opposite. I am the relapse fool of the world it seems like. But I dont do like I should either. Thats why I cant stay clean.
Just get back up and keep moving forward with a new knowledge of what NOT to do and what you could do in the future.
You know a number is just a number. Its the experience that you gain that matters to me. I may lose my number of days consecutively clean. But I will never lose the knowledge and experience I have learned so far. That never goes back to nothing. Unless you bump your head and forget.
But I need to remember to stay aware of what happened and why. And most of all how I can make sure it doesnt happen again.
Relapse is NOT a part of recovery. I dont believe that for a minute. It may be part of my story, But not anothers. Its not a part of my fathers recovery. And he has 25 yrs sober. Not one relapse.
My good friend in the rooms has 2 1/2 yrs from a 28 year crack addiciton in the street. She was living in a dumpster and weighed 72 lbs when she was arrested and mandated to treatment for the first time. She has not relapsed. And she still works a great program and stays commited to her sobriety.
Mine is just the opposite. I am the relapse fool of the world it seems like. But I dont do like I should either. Thats why I cant stay clean.
Just get back up and keep moving forward with a new knowledge of what NOT to do and what you could do in the future.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 89
Sorry for hitting replay too soon...Julez...do you mind sharing what led up to your getting drunk? Were you bored, mad, sad, happy etc? If you can figure this out you will be one step further towards it not happening again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Lowell
Posts: 345
Originally Posted by julez 
I know that nearly everyone who quits, stumbles at least once, but I didn't think I would.
No sense in beating yourself up. I know it is easier to say than to do. The positive thing is that you got honest with yourself and shared your honesty here with us. All of us only have this one day. You have the experience of the 30 days still and you know what that was like. So, get back on the path of sobriety and just move forward.
God bless,
Harry
Practice Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: KC missouri
Posts: 885
Your alive, you will feel better if you stay sober a couple days! I know when I relapsed I atleast knew if I did the right things it would get better. What made you relapse? For me it was Not enough Love, support, variety, faith, that is on me to get those figured out.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 59
In the beginning, counting days seems to get us to the next day. Starting the count over seems to completely wipe out the successful days. AND LOOK AT THE SUCCESS YOU’VE HAD! To stay sober through all of that stuff with your sister was really great. So maybe we need to look at our sober days differently…maybe you could be 33 days hiccup 1…or just call it 32 days… Anyways, go back to it and keep up the good work.
ani
ani
Grateful Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
The reason for my relapse was my mother.... Yes, even I chuckled out loud as I typed that. She was trying to get a hold of me, she was drinking, and she left a message saying "Dads in the hospital, they think hes not going to make it". Well guess what? She just wanted me to call her back and knew I usually take my time in doing so, so she made that up. My dad has A-fib and his heart isnt the greatest. I called my dad, not her, and he was mad, said right away "Oh she must be drinking again". They decided to come over to discuss the drama of my sister and her new husband (he called the wedding off after the rehearsal dinner, but they ended up going through with it) I couldnt deal with my mother and her crap. Now I can truly enjoy just about anyone after a few drinks, and for years before any holiday or gathering, I've been drinking myself through it. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I pretty much despise my mom, I'm scared the relationship I have with my sister will never be the same after all this crap surrounding her wedding, I'm sad she married him and scared for her future. I just couldn't deal with the discussion about it all with my mother. I know that there are better ways of dealing with things, and I think at that point I didn't care. I absolutely chose to drink. The past month has been filled with so many obstacles to my sobriety, and I've done great, but last night something snapped. I was thinking of the image of my sister doubled over crying hysterically because some jerk broke her heart. I had to go pick her up from the side of the road at midnight two nights before her wedding! All of these thoughts and images finally broke me down. She's my only sister, and we are super close. She's also 8 years younger than me so its almost as though shes my child too. No reason to drink, and I'm so regretting it. Hopefully when she comes home from her honeymoon Saturday she'll be ok. I've learned that I can't make someone elses problems my own, and I've also learned that my mother has a lot of years left on this earth, and I better put my big girl panties on and deal with it sober instead of numbing my irritation with drinking. Thats about it. Thanks for all your kind words. I'm back into sobriety mode now. And you have no idea how hard it was for me to write this today. I was scared to be honest with you guys.... I guess cuz I care and respect everyone here for their honesty, kindness, and experiences. So anyhow, thanks so much.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hugs Julez! You've been through a huge mess early in sobriety and managed so many times to keep your head above water, look at the accomplishments you've had.
As for your sister and your mother, they are going to have to live their own lives, you can't let their messes become yours. I know, easier said than done, I have a sister and alcoholic mother too:-)
As for your sister and your mother, they are going to have to live their own lives, you can't let their messes become yours. I know, easier said than done, I have a sister and alcoholic mother too:-)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Mid-Atlantic area
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by Fandy
if you were running a marathon and stumbled on say Mile 4-5, would you go back to the start of Mile #1? I don't think so....you would pick up, check for injuries and keep trudging along.
you should not loathe yourself, you are human and we all make mistakes and learn from them.
you should not loathe yourself, you are human and we all make mistakes and learn from them.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 89
Thanks for reliving what happened "before drink" Julez...with what you have been thru with your family lately please cut yourself some slack...you are entitled to it! Very tough stuff for anyone..especially in early recovery when our knee jerk reaction to drink is still so raw!!!!
love the idea to call it 32 days...much better math....since when does subtracting one from 33 equal one anyway???
love the idea to call it 32 days...much better math....since when does subtracting one from 33 equal one anyway???
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm glad you're back Julez.
Family are tricky but let's face it - I could still be drunk this morning if I let mine get to me.
I can't change them but I can change the way I react to the BS
Think about what you need to add to what you're doing already...and keep moving forward
D
Family are tricky but let's face it - I could still be drunk this morning if I let mine get to me.
I can't change them but I can change the way I react to the BS
Think about what you need to add to what you're doing already...and keep moving forward
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: laval, quebec
Posts: 6
I spent three years screwing up month after month trying to stop. I failed many times, but kept on trying, that was 20 plus years ago...and it has been a wonderful life since then. One day, it just clicked.....wow I got sober.....finally.....do not beat yourself up. Just start again....and again if you have to. You have no idea how your life will improve. Good luck, you can do it.......I did and I thought that was impossible.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
