VictoriaC

I've been having a rough couple of weeks since I started reading Codependent No More. It's not the book, it's that my husband thinks it is an instruction manual on how to leave him. He has been throwing so much animosity my way, I'm really tempted to have a doozy of a shouting match with him . . . but I won't.

I've been thinking about what I can do to get some serenity back and I've been reading a lot of threads today and I realized that I need to double my efforts in working the steps. I am so quick to judge my H and I haven't looked in the mirror first. The first three steps have proven amazing and I have really come far, but I haven't even touched step four yet. Why am I so afraid to take that inventory of myself? It's so easy to take the inventory on everyone else.

Have you all had similar experience in working this step? I'd love to hear your stories on overcoming your fears of looking in the mirror. Thanks for listening.

journeygal

I avoided Step 4 for a year - I was scared to death of it! When I first read Melody Beattie's Codependent Guide to the 12-steps, and saw the chapter on Step 4, I put the book away!!! I was too overwhelmed.

So, I finally started working on it a couple of months ago. (No, I'm not done. ) But I actually slid my way into it. I started writing in my journal about 6 months ago, and it eventually turned into an inventory-taking exercise. Before I knew it, I was doing my Step 4. And it hasn't been that terrible, though I'm not sure I'll ever finish...

For me, I couldn't just sit down and say, "Today I'm going to work on Step 4." I had to kind of trick myself into doing it. Keeping a journal has been a great help to me, b/c it got me started into examining my life and my issues. You may want to try it, if you don't already keep one.

As for Step 4 itself, it's been an eye-opener, b/c I'm really discovering what makes me tick. It's not about blaming myself or beating myself up, but understanding why I am the way I am. It's really helped me to start accepting myself, defects and all.

Trust me, it won't be as bad as you think.

Hugs,
JG

Daffodil

Hi Victoria C

You've come a long way just working the first three...Alot of people come in the program and do 1 & 2 and when they get to 3 they are just not ready to continue...
When I came in to the program I was at the bottom, I had to completely surrender or go actually insane...I really had tried everything I could think of, read every book (except the Big Book of A.A.)I could find, did counciling, you name it. I would have done anything my sponsor told me to do to have what she had...She didn't push me, she told me I needed time to heal before I could start working the Steps

I do hope that you have a sponsor to go to...to work this Step.
Mine was so wonderful....I still do a Fourth Step inventory just as a spot check to see where I was and where I still need to go...Old behaviors and attitudes just keep popping up when I least expect it.

You're not alone in being fearful of Step 4, alot of us were and are...

First off it is NOT an inmoral inventory, I think of it as a tool shed, there are tools (behaviors, attitudes, thought patterns, beliefs) that I have stored in the shed...tools that never worked for me...never will work for me...until I can see the same tools used in the same way over and over again...I won't able to see how usless it is for me to continue using them...I also didn't see how damaging they were when I used them on other people...My sponsor lead me thru my 4th Step page by page until I could see my STRENGTHS and weakness...( some of my character defeats are really strengths when I use them with love.) Then I could tell what tools I wanted or needed to keep and what ones I needed to get rid of.
There are several different outlines in the circles of Al-Anon and AA, I hesatate reconmending any one way...Your sponsor should be able to do that...
It helped me to start the pages with DEAR GOD at the top, I firgued He already knew everything about me. I wasn't telling Him anything He didn't already know so I felt safer that way.

Good luck and I hope that helps..
Love and prayers

VictoriaC

Thank you so much Daf and Journeygal. Last night I went to my meeting and the topic was fear! How appropriate. everyone was talking about their fears and how when they turn them over to their HP and just begin to face the fear instead of constantly churning it over in their heads, it's much better in the end. For the first time I actually felt worse after a meeting. I know that I have to face this and if I face it head on and not run from myself, I'll be better off for it. Your replies helped me to see that this is not an immoral inventory, it's just getting to know me. I was thinking that I had to list all of my sins, that may be part of it, but it's not like I'm doing all of those terrible things I used to do anymore. I am growing, changing and becoming the real me. Not the person who did all of those terrible things in a cloud of codependency seeking the approval of everyone else and doing things to seek out love from people who didn't deserve mine back. I bought a journal but haven't written a damn thing in it. I think if I start doing a little soul searching a little at a time I'll be okay and I don't have to have it done today, it will be a process and that is not as scary. I think I should also start attending some step meetings and get a guide to the 12 steps. Thank you so much. I really needed those replies.

Daffodil

Victoria C. Go girl go!

I highly reconmend Al-Anon's Path to Recovery for in an depth study of the Steps that is easy to understand and easy to work, There are questions at the end of each chapter that really make me think about where I am and where my H.P. wants me to be...
Once a month my home group has a Step study and most of my recent growth has come from using those questions as a monthly spot check to see where I am and How I am doing..

Love and prayers,