Back again... (long, sorry)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Philadelphia PA
Posts: 12
Back again... (long, sorry)
Hi all -
You were a great help to me earlier this year (January?) when I was faced with a big disappointment and problem with my AH. I confronted him, things got better a bit and then of course, he's back drinking.
Most recently, he shattered his ankle on 8/12, was in hospital until 8/20, and is due to go back 9/8 for a second surgery. Yes it's that bad.
Of course, he was not drinking while in hospital, but on the way home his father (who had to pick him up as I am now running our business alone) actually took him to the liquor store.
Now this is a man who was sent home from the VA with injectable Lovenox and Percosets for the duration until his next surgery. I can't tell you how dangerous drinking and using these drugs together are. Those in the medical fields will know.
This person, who is not supposed to go up and down stairs, and is set up in an area with all he should need (bathroom, tv, computer, supplies) somehow went downstairs to get another bottle of bourbon after finishing the one his dad bought him and got most of the way through that (one of the big ones, not a fifth). I found it under the sofa, 3/4 empty, when I know it was 3/4 or more full before he came home. (this is within 24 hours of coming home from hospital)
I dumped it, called his dad, and told him - again - that he should not be buying booze for his AS, and on top of that he should have known better than to let him drink anything, as he is somewhat trained in medical stuff, and he KNOWS what a blood thinner is.
My AH said "it's to make sure I don't take too many pills because they hurt my stomach" as his excuse.
Two days ago he calls me at the biz 9here I am working 12+ hour days to make up for his absence, with no breaks...) and begs me, guilts me, bullies me into buying him "just a small bottle" on the way home.
I did not. (I refuse to buy booze for him, if he does it, its on him, but I can't contribute to it. It's bad enough that I have to give him a pay check when I know he'll do it...)
Anyhow, after his "birthday trip" last November and this, it has brought everything to a head. His excuses, both for drinking and his mood issues, and his hanging around my neck like a rock for the past 10 years has finally become too much to bear. I am posting in my online journal, and all of my friends (real friends only - not imaginary ones) are telling me that DIVORCE is the way I need to go to be me again. From my post last night: "I hate the person that I have become"
I come home at night, and tell him he better talk to his doctor about his condition, after spending hours on the phone trying to get in touch with someone and getting no response. I told him he better ask her for counseling for his marriage too, or it will be over. All his coverage is through the VA. I have no insurance because I've been supporting him for 10 years, and after leaving the corporate world I couldn't afford it for myself.
Well, he's off the payroll, and has to get his own disability, and unemployment and all that now. Recovery from the injury will be 3-6 months, and I just don't know what he will do if I kick him out (it's my house, my business, in my name only) I feel soooo guilty I want to curl up and hide, and it would be easy to, I have been hiding for at least a year with smoking pot. I haven't had any of that in a week, and feel a lot more directed, smarter and focused, by the way. His addiction made me an "addict" of sorts, but I don't feel like I'm the one who needs treatment - remove the cause, and the symptoms go away.
Bu thats another post...
Now I'm rambling, and not sure where I'm going with this, but I had to write, I'm back, I'm here, and I'm as confused and upset as ever, only this time I am really scared that it will end our relationship.
You were a great help to me earlier this year (January?) when I was faced with a big disappointment and problem with my AH. I confronted him, things got better a bit and then of course, he's back drinking.
Most recently, he shattered his ankle on 8/12, was in hospital until 8/20, and is due to go back 9/8 for a second surgery. Yes it's that bad.
Of course, he was not drinking while in hospital, but on the way home his father (who had to pick him up as I am now running our business alone) actually took him to the liquor store.
Now this is a man who was sent home from the VA with injectable Lovenox and Percosets for the duration until his next surgery. I can't tell you how dangerous drinking and using these drugs together are. Those in the medical fields will know.
This person, who is not supposed to go up and down stairs, and is set up in an area with all he should need (bathroom, tv, computer, supplies) somehow went downstairs to get another bottle of bourbon after finishing the one his dad bought him and got most of the way through that (one of the big ones, not a fifth). I found it under the sofa, 3/4 empty, when I know it was 3/4 or more full before he came home. (this is within 24 hours of coming home from hospital)
I dumped it, called his dad, and told him - again - that he should not be buying booze for his AS, and on top of that he should have known better than to let him drink anything, as he is somewhat trained in medical stuff, and he KNOWS what a blood thinner is.
My AH said "it's to make sure I don't take too many pills because they hurt my stomach" as his excuse.
Two days ago he calls me at the biz 9here I am working 12+ hour days to make up for his absence, with no breaks...) and begs me, guilts me, bullies me into buying him "just a small bottle" on the way home.
I did not. (I refuse to buy booze for him, if he does it, its on him, but I can't contribute to it. It's bad enough that I have to give him a pay check when I know he'll do it...)
Anyhow, after his "birthday trip" last November and this, it has brought everything to a head. His excuses, both for drinking and his mood issues, and his hanging around my neck like a rock for the past 10 years has finally become too much to bear. I am posting in my online journal, and all of my friends (real friends only - not imaginary ones) are telling me that DIVORCE is the way I need to go to be me again. From my post last night: "I hate the person that I have become"
I come home at night, and tell him he better talk to his doctor about his condition, after spending hours on the phone trying to get in touch with someone and getting no response. I told him he better ask her for counseling for his marriage too, or it will be over. All his coverage is through the VA. I have no insurance because I've been supporting him for 10 years, and after leaving the corporate world I couldn't afford it for myself.
Well, he's off the payroll, and has to get his own disability, and unemployment and all that now. Recovery from the injury will be 3-6 months, and I just don't know what he will do if I kick him out (it's my house, my business, in my name only) I feel soooo guilty I want to curl up and hide, and it would be easy to, I have been hiding for at least a year with smoking pot. I haven't had any of that in a week, and feel a lot more directed, smarter and focused, by the way. His addiction made me an "addict" of sorts, but I don't feel like I'm the one who needs treatment - remove the cause, and the symptoms go away.
Bu thats another post...
Now I'm rambling, and not sure where I'm going with this, but I had to write, I'm back, I'm here, and I'm as confused and upset as ever, only this time I am really scared that it will end our relationship.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Big hugs to you, Philly. Sounds like you are going thru so much right now, and I'm sorry for that.
I was so glad to hear that your business and home are in your name -- that is great news! You are one smart lady.
You are sounding a bit overwhelmed (and overworked!) so I invite you to simply slow down and realize it doesn't all have to be done or decided right now. Try to live each day as it comes. Maybe make a list of things that will need to be taken care of and work down the list slowly-- starting with advice from a lawyer. In the meantime try to regain at least part of your serenity by detaching from his foolish choices. He's a grown man. Give him the dignity of making his own choices and YOU focus on YOU.
Above all, if you don't have the time/money for meetings and a counselor, stay close to SR and post often. We're here for you. This place is a Godsend.
((((Hugs))))
I was so glad to hear that your business and home are in your name -- that is great news! You are one smart lady.
You are sounding a bit overwhelmed (and overworked!) so I invite you to simply slow down and realize it doesn't all have to be done or decided right now. Try to live each day as it comes. Maybe make a list of things that will need to be taken care of and work down the list slowly-- starting with advice from a lawyer. In the meantime try to regain at least part of your serenity by detaching from his foolish choices. He's a grown man. Give him the dignity of making his own choices and YOU focus on YOU.
Above all, if you don't have the time/money for meetings and a counselor, stay close to SR and post often. We're here for you. This place is a Godsend.
((((Hugs))))
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I just don't know what he will do if I kick him out (it's my house, my business, in my name only) I feel soooo guilty I want to curl up and hide,
Second, since he is getting his medical help through the VA, IF he really wants recovery they also have a long term LIVE IN program.
You need to take care of you period. Please, since your time is so constricted with the business, stick close to SR. You will find you have great support here, and we will walk with you in spirit.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Dumping his booze, telling him he better call the doctor or a counselor cuz it's going to be over are unfortunately tactics that won't work. By taking these responsibilities on, you are removing the opportunity for him to deal with his own things and actually perpetuating the situation. If you do it he doesn't have to and the blame shifts over to you and then he's free to continue drinking and other destructive behaviours. It must be very scary because the drink/drug cocktail is dangerous, but he is a grown adult and he has the right to do as he likes. You have the right to leave it if you cannot accept that.
I'm very sorry that you are going through this tough time. As I said in your other post, have you tried Al Anon? It helped me immensely with my constant need to take care of/ fix my partner and helped me remove myself and detach from his destructive behaviours.
I'm very sorry that you are going through this tough time. As I said in your other post, have you tried Al Anon? It helped me immensely with my constant need to take care of/ fix my partner and helped me remove myself and detach from his destructive behaviours.
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