It's sneaking up on me again

Old 08-26-2010, 09:09 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 35
It's sneaking up on me again

Hi I'm the one who is married to an AH who was in AA for so many years, recovering very well over the years, but I just found out he is testing the waters again (and he also experienced a one car accident, thought it was a rock bottom, but not so). SO, I'm in almost week three of my recovery from codependency! yippee.. It is liberating it really is. I am a risk manager for my job, how appropriate! I anticipate the worst and then mitigate. Guess what I do at home? LOL. Anyway, day 14, it was exactly two weeks ago that I discovered that he had not in fact hit rock bottom a few months ago, and he was back at trying to "have a few". I "rescued" him two weeks ago (my mistake I should have never confronted him while he was drunk, so he left, and I went to go out and find him grrr, my new self shames upon that!). Anyway, I've detached with love, but I passively monitor, meaning, he's on his best behavior, honestly he's wonderful anyway, it's just this dreaded disease. Home cooked meal every night, no battles with our teenage daughter. All is too quiet...So I woke up in a PANIC last night because he is going to the Lake house by himself this weekend. I'm staying home with the kids due to their commitments and he is getting quotes on windows, yada yada. I was fine until it snuck into my evening slumber! Do I have it repressed that much that it has to come back and scare me in the middle of the night? I'll need you all this weekend, because it will take all my willpower not to call, to check up on him while he's up there, as it was the real eye opener last year. The Lake is where it all began last year, where I got a call while I was in NYC from my father in law that my AH was "missing" only to be found on our boat. That was the real eye opener that started me into my free fall into panic. So, if you don't mind, everytime I get the URGE to check up on him to make sure he's not doing something irresponsible, I will come here to ask you to help get me off the ledge. My new self knows that "I" will have to do that myself, but it's nice to know I have a place to go like here, where people understand what I'm trying to recover from.....Thanks again, you all ROCK....
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Old 08-26-2010, 09:23 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
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This is a good place to be when you need to turn away from a negative situation - good for you for being mindful of your actions.

I do believe, like me, you are repressing instead of dealing. Similar to when an alcoholic abstains from booze but is not recovering - you are white-knuckling your way through your feelings. It was only in the last few months that I've really been able to deal with some real inner turmoil - it's painful but it gets you to a better place.

Right now it seems like you are doing what they call in Al Anon - faking it until you make it. It feels awkward yet kind of good to detach, but it's still new and it's not yet fully understood nor ingrained in a new approach to serenity for your life. And this is why a program like Al Anon works - you actually start to see things differently and you no longer white knuckle it. It's really amazing. I used to feel the same way as you and it feels like it's the only way. And yet today, I no longer fear when he goes out, I have peace, even if a thought or 2 slip in I'm able to deal and dismiss. I know that if he were to drink then I could handle it. I'm capable, I'm strong to deal with the consequences.

Think of it this way - you are wearing your life jacket 24/7 because you fear that at some point you might get thrown in the pool at some indeterminate time and won't be able to swim. It ain't very comfortable and it's downright awkward and it interferes with your daily life. But if you know you can swim, then you can safely remove the life jacket because you know that if you are thrown in the pool you will make it out safely.

Eventually you will wear these new ideas in just like wearing in a new pair of shoes and they will become like slippers. You won't have to work with every fiber of your being to prevent yourself from checking up, calling in, worrying. Just take it one day at a time, one hour or minute even if you need to, and keep concentrating on yourself, and bring yourself back if your mind wanders or if you get an urge to check up. Because even checking up won't prevent anything if it's in his mind to do it.
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Old 08-26-2010, 10:05 AM
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Ok, wow...

That was just amazing, the words of wisdom. I hope to get there some day and thank you for your insight - it is spot on and wise. Thank you again.
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Old 08-26-2010, 10:34 AM
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wonderful place that SR and it is open 24/7 too!
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Old 08-26-2010, 11:31 AM
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Location: Seattle, WA
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Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change.
The courage to change the person I can.
And the wisdom to know it's me.

The idea of "Fake it til you make it" helped me put my life back together. I encourage you to stay on the path that you are on and when in doubt about what to do next, do the next WISE thing.

Your recovery is shining.
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Old 08-26-2010, 01:06 PM
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I got it...AGAIN.... MOMENT (hehe)
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