for my recovery, i need to start posting here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
for my recovery, i need to start posting here
hi all. . .
i've been posting in the "friends & family of substance abusers" section because my situation with my R(?)ABF (who knows if he is in recovery or not) got me to SR and into al-anon.
i've been in al-anon one month, just found a sponsor, and have started step one. i've been in therapy for 6 months.
well. . . my thinking is pretty distorted.
neither of my parents drank heavily, but they were both raised by alcoholic parents. my parents might as well have been drinkers. i am the oldest child, and the only girl.
growing up, i was subjected to emotional and physical abuse. i love my parents very much. . . but our household was crazy. throw-down fights broke out for things as insignificant as, literally, spilled milk.
i am really struggling these days. i thought i had put this stuff behind me, but now i see that the way i view the world is pretty unhealthy. black or white. in any given moment, depending on other people's reactions, i am either perfect & amazing or terrible & depraved. i am so afraid of being wrong that i try to control almost every situation that i am so that things go right and i can't be blamed. when things don't go "right," i freak out. i cannot handle the world.
i'm here because i'm trying to change this. i'm feeling very sad tonight because i wish i didn't have to delve into my past to understand my reactions. and. . . my relationship with my parents still continues to be dysfunctional.
my parents are and were well off. but money has always been an issue. things i needed and asked for. .. well, they could be ignored or deemed stupid. and by needed and asked for, i mean things that would help me gain agency over my life. but then suddenly, things that were frivolous and unnecessary would be given to me (fancy coats, jewelry, apartments with rents i could not afford on my own). i learned to take what i could get. . . and thus reinforced my parents' belief that i am a manipulative, spoiled child always trying to get something from them.
i don't know if this is making any sense. i feel i am being vague. but i wanted to start posting here because my upbringing is the root of all my skewed thinking, and thus, my unhealthy reactions. i have always felt a sense of paralysis and that i'm f*cked, no matter what i do. i am working to change that. i just wanted to be able to change that without having to get into all the stuff from my past with my parents. . . but it is proving impossible to ignore. and there is so much pain. i am not sure i can wade through it again. .. i don't want to be a complainer, a blamer. . . but i feel i was wronged. it just hurts.
i've been posting in the "friends & family of substance abusers" section because my situation with my R(?)ABF (who knows if he is in recovery or not) got me to SR and into al-anon.
i've been in al-anon one month, just found a sponsor, and have started step one. i've been in therapy for 6 months.
well. . . my thinking is pretty distorted.
neither of my parents drank heavily, but they were both raised by alcoholic parents. my parents might as well have been drinkers. i am the oldest child, and the only girl.
growing up, i was subjected to emotional and physical abuse. i love my parents very much. . . but our household was crazy. throw-down fights broke out for things as insignificant as, literally, spilled milk.
i am really struggling these days. i thought i had put this stuff behind me, but now i see that the way i view the world is pretty unhealthy. black or white. in any given moment, depending on other people's reactions, i am either perfect & amazing or terrible & depraved. i am so afraid of being wrong that i try to control almost every situation that i am so that things go right and i can't be blamed. when things don't go "right," i freak out. i cannot handle the world.
i'm here because i'm trying to change this. i'm feeling very sad tonight because i wish i didn't have to delve into my past to understand my reactions. and. . . my relationship with my parents still continues to be dysfunctional.
my parents are and were well off. but money has always been an issue. things i needed and asked for. .. well, they could be ignored or deemed stupid. and by needed and asked for, i mean things that would help me gain agency over my life. but then suddenly, things that were frivolous and unnecessary would be given to me (fancy coats, jewelry, apartments with rents i could not afford on my own). i learned to take what i could get. . . and thus reinforced my parents' belief that i am a manipulative, spoiled child always trying to get something from them.
i don't know if this is making any sense. i feel i am being vague. but i wanted to start posting here because my upbringing is the root of all my skewed thinking, and thus, my unhealthy reactions. i have always felt a sense of paralysis and that i'm f*cked, no matter what i do. i am working to change that. i just wanted to be able to change that without having to get into all the stuff from my past with my parents. . . but it is proving impossible to ignore. and there is so much pain. i am not sure i can wade through it again. .. i don't want to be a complainer, a blamer. . . but i feel i was wronged. it just hurts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
I also just started posting and realized all the stuff that has surfaced for me and now know otheres are going through the same things.
It is painful, confusing, makes you resentful.
Makes you feel bitter to the behavior of your parents and the whole mess.
Certainly understand.
I am in therapy and someone suggested also the ACOA.
Someone more knowledgeable might come along and make sure you are working some sort of program.
Keep reading and posting, many of us are going through this stuff.
It is painful, confusing, makes you resentful.
Makes you feel bitter to the behavior of your parents and the whole mess.
Certainly understand.
I am in therapy and someone suggested also the ACOA.
Someone more knowledgeable might come along and make sure you are working some sort of program.
Keep reading and posting, many of us are going through this stuff.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I'm right there with you, girls.
It is painful.
To know that I am not alone with my pain is comforting, tho I wish no one was in such pain.
If you were hopelessly screwed up, you would not be posting here, and working your way to healthy lives.
Big warm mom hugs,
chicory
It is painful.
To know that I am not alone with my pain is comforting, tho I wish no one was in such pain.
If you were hopelessly screwed up, you would not be posting here, and working your way to healthy lives.
Big warm mom hugs,
chicory
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
If you were hopelessly screwed up, you would not be posting here, and working your way to healthy lives.
i'm have just started my al-anon program with my sponsor (last week.) i am currently working on step one and as i review what i wrote last week (above), it occurs to me how much i want to change the past. i really wish it didn't happen that way. i want apologies! i want my parents, and my siblings, to all get better and make everything okay and i want that to happen NOW because i just started recovery.
breathe. . . I AM POWERLESS OVER THE PAST.
I AM POWERLESS OVER MY FAMILY UNDERSTANDING MY EMOTIONAL LIFE.
I AM POWERLESS OVER THE RECOVERY OF MY BROTHERS.
I AM POWERLESS OVER THE RECOVERY OF MY MOTHER & FATHER.
I AM POWERLESS OVER THE RECOVERY OF MY BROTHERS.<-- this one is very hard for me. i'm the oldest and i just feel that need to protect, guide, and fix it for them. i love them so much and hate to see them suffer. but I AM POWERLESS. . .and it makes me feel like crying.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
oh my gosh, I so understand.
I was the oldest of three girls. dad and mom very unhealthy- dad drank then mom- after their divorce!
The best thing may be when they see you get healthy. they will maybe want your serenity. actions speak so mcuh louder than any words.
You are powerless - over their decisions.
but your love, and your recovery will have after effects, on all that you come in contact with.
your healthy recovering will be very attractive, and will be very comforting to them.
but the future is ours , to shape into something safe, comfortable, and enriching.
remember that song- let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me?
Healthy growth has to begin somewhere. You are brave, insightful , and seem to have a good understanding of how your childhood, and onward, affected you. that is a good start. You are paving the way for good things. I am glad for you.
I know that with reflection comes some painful realizations, but with that comes growth. and we can be free of unrealistic expectations, making time for better things to pursue.
big hug
chicory
I was the oldest of three girls. dad and mom very unhealthy- dad drank then mom- after their divorce!
The best thing may be when they see you get healthy. they will maybe want your serenity. actions speak so mcuh louder than any words.
You are powerless - over their decisions.
but your love, and your recovery will have after effects, on all that you come in contact with.
your healthy recovering will be very attractive, and will be very comforting to them.
but the future is ours , to shape into something safe, comfortable, and enriching.
remember that song- let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me?
Healthy growth has to begin somewhere. You are brave, insightful , and seem to have a good understanding of how your childhood, and onward, affected you. that is a good start. You are paving the way for good things. I am glad for you.
I know that with reflection comes some painful realizations, but with that comes growth. and we can be free of unrealistic expectations, making time for better things to pursue.
big hug
chicory
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
