newnormal4me

In a nutshell, I am currently dealing with addiction to drugs and alcohol with my husband. We have been together 19 years and his drug addiction started 5-6 years ago. So, basically we had a lot of years together that seemed normal. Now I am a raging codependent and feeling much ready to "fix" my life and my reactions to my life. I have a LOT of work to do.

I have been around here for a bit, but never ventured into this forum. Many, many years ago, shortly after my father died and I was in college, I attended some ACA live meetings at the suggestion of a counselor at college. At that time, being young, I didn't relate to most of the people there. They were older, had experienced more "life", and it seemed most of the stories were about verbal and physical abuse, and for me, that was not my story. So I walked away from it as I didn't think I got much from it. I spent most of my time then going to a one/one counselor and journaling. Journaling helped me work through a lot of stuff...I highly recommend it!

My father was a severe alcoholic, and it took his life (cirrosis) when I was 19 years old. My parents divorced when I was in second grade and I lived a somewhat "normal" life with my mom, despite the poverty we were thrown into. But I also had lots of contact with my dad all the years up to the middle of my 8th grade year when he left the state to avoid going to jail again for lack of support. He lived another 5ish years out of state before he eventually died from the affects of alcoholism. All the while it was an up and down rollercoaster with regards to contact, but he wrote me lots of letters and there were almost weekly phone calls. He sent me money at least every other week when I attended college. He was so proud of me being in college and didn't want me to work. You know, he did what he was capable of doing.

Dad was never physically abusive to us girls (3 of us), however, he lived in sqallid conditions and we stayed with him there during visits. My mom NEVER kept us away from dad. We all knew dad was an alcoholic and just accepted it. We saw moments of what I today would describe as "pychosis". Despite his condition, he was a loving dad, he didn't have much to give, but he did give and he showed love and I never doubted that love. Despite not being physically abusive, when I got older (high school/college age) I started getting to know people closer and realizing how "abnormal" my time with dad was. He was way out there in a lot of ways...and it is amazing the unconditional love of a child because us girls never held his lifestyle or behaviors against him. It wasn't until he died that I ever even accepted that his poor choices negatively impacted ME. I addressed a lot of soul searching during the 2ish years following his death. I learned to deal with the pain of loss, with the horrid way he died even, with the understanding that his life was soooo dark without us girls, realizing that he chose to "run" and cling to his alcohol to the bitter end. I finally had to address this stuff, and I did! Or so I thought.

Now that I am dealing with addiction in my husband I am starting to wonder how much of my upbringing has allowed me to sink so far into codependency? How much buried "garbage" is within me? I have a lot of work to do on my life, as well as my current situation and I wonder, how much of this is being an ACA???

Does anyone have any first steps to recommend for me? Should I just deal with "codendency" in a broad sense, or do I need to dig a little deeper...maybe a little more than a person without this type of past?

Sorry this is so long! I just know that my situation is different from a lot of ACA in the lack of intentional abuse. However, I recognize that my dad's ramblings while drunk, his accusations of others (esp mom), his inappropriate sharing of info to a child, could make for "emotional or mental" abuse even if it wasn't intentional. At least I know there has to be affects from this upbringing! And I wonder now, in my more mature age, if it's even worth it to delve into something that I thought I dealt with!

At the end of the day, I just want to be well - healthy emotionally and healthy in my life choices.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

DesertEyes

Hello there angelstory, and pleased to "meet" you

oh boy that hit close. I was married 20 years to wonderful lady. The last 5 turned ugly when she became addicted to pain pills. I also fell into the trap of codependency in a big way.

I was also unaware of how my parents alcoholism affected me. I thought that as long as I lived my life different than they did I would be fine. Didn't work out that way.

How _much_? That's a tough question to answer. Does the _amount_ really matter? For me it didn't, I had to deal with _both_ my ACoA issues as well as my al-anon issues. I have never looked into what came from where, I just jumped into the "garbage" pile with a big shovel and got to work.

Depends on which meetings you go to. Some meetings (ACoA or al-anon) focus on the physical abuse, some just on the emotional. It's not the _intention_ of the parents that causes the damage, it's the lack of love and support.

In the last few years the whole concept of "abuse" has evolved into what is now called a "toxic environment". Physical damage does leave scars, but given love and support even the worse injury can be overcome. Without love and support a child has no ability to overcome, and so we become "emotionally poisoned".

Also note that a lot of al-anon meetings have merged with ACoA to where the two programs have really become one. Others still remain separate. If you invest in a little "shopping around" all the meeting in your area you will see that each one has it's own "flavor"

Start by educating yourself on "toxic childhood". Browse thru the posts here and pick up some of the books people discuss. Check out some of the al-anon books on the subject, such as "From survival to recovery". As you do that keep posting here so we can all benefit from your perspective and share our own experience.

Actually, I'd suggest neither Try doing it "one day at a time". Do a little reading, go to a few meetings, then pick just _one_ issue that is causing you distress. Then work on just that _one_ issue. Nothing more. Once you're done with you can decide if there's anything else interfering in your life.... or not.

Recovery in ACoA is a "no pressure zone". The last thing we need, after a childhood with toxic parents, is to feel pressured once again.

Goodness yes !!!! It's never too late to build a better life for ourselves.

Exactly right, and if you browse around here a little you will see that we are all doing exactly that.

I'm glad you decided to join us.

Mike

newnormal4me

Thanks Mike. I appreciate your thoughts. I have attended a few alanon meetings a few years back when this all started with AH. However, I stopped for a variety of reasons...I also saw a counselor at that time and it was hard to do too much evening stuff with working full time and raising two little ones. Time is tough to come by!

Right now I'm going to Celebrate Recovery, so I will try to think in terms of just working on things one day a time and try to always be putting one foot in front of the other. And hopefully reading as much as I can. Most importantly for me right now is getting out of my current situation and moving to a more peaceful life, which I expect to me just me and my kids in due time. I still love my husband very much, but I don't like the man he has become. My guy was also a wonderful person until drugs came in and stole him away. Sure wish things were different. I actually find it hard to believe this is my life. I'm still coming to terms with it, and the reality that we will be apart someday. We have spent almost our entire adult life together!

Anyway, thanks for listening. I'll definitely do more reading in this forum...I already did some today and found it somewhat enlightening.

Sorry you have a similar story. So did you and your wife part ways? Did she find recovery?

DesertEyes

oh excellent. I have several close friends who just love that program. I'm glad you're finding it useful.

Sounds like a great plan. Once you have acomplished that I think you'll find ACoA issues easier to deal with.

ah yes, exactly how I feel about my ex.

She wanted no part of counseling, or any kind of recovery. She was having way too much fun with her addiction to pills, and she also developed an addiction to other women's husbands. We divorced a few years back, and managed to do it in a friendly manner. She has not gotten involved in any kind of recovery. Yet. I will always pray for her, maybe someday she will.

Now I have a new life. I moved to a new town, new job, new friends, and in many ways a new me. After a couple false starts I started dating again and am now in a wonderful and exciting relationship. Thanx to recovery I have been able to get myself back on track and back to the business of living. As you will see from browsing around these forums, we all do in our own time.

Mike