Please help me see...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Please help me see...
that I will be okay. Why is it so hard to do the things necessary to just get out and start over? Things are so bad with AH right now and yet I am lingering here, sick and miserable. I am terrified of being a single mom - altho I often feel like I already am. It is exhausting trying to do it all why AH is out galavanting around, skirting his responsibilities and treating me like crap. Of course he is in such denial he only sees himself as if he's doing his share and holding down the fort. It is crazy. I am so sad for him...that he can't see the forest for the trees...and he is refusing to do anything while our life crumbles around us.
I know none of us here want to be single parents. Yet I know I am not doing right by my kids letting them live in a chaotic situation. I just don't understand why this is so hard for me. How can I let someone treat me like crap time and time again and not stand up for my dignity and not demand respect???
I put money down on a lawyer a month ago! I have had the paperwork to fill out since then, and at times felt he77bent on getting it done, yet when I sit down to do it, its so overwhelming! Divying up the life that we built together that at one time was so good. It's painful! I just pray I get the strength to take these next steps FAST and get on with it.
Sorry...just think I need some encouragement from others who have been there. Please tell me I can do this! Please tell me that I will find peace even while carrying such a HUGE load by myself. I know it's got to be easier once you let it all go and just have yourself and kids to focus on. But how long does it take to get over the pain of losing someone that you have loved so much. How do you get past the pain of seeing your kids hurting through it all. It seems unbearable from this side right now. I laid down with my son last night and said "let's pray" and he said "for dad?" I said sure what do you want to pray and he says "that you and dad get along". How sad is that? Please convince me that my kids will be okay and even better off with their parents split apart.
I also fear the whole court thing - how it will all flesh out. AH makes statements that he'll fight me tooth and nail, blah, blah. I wonder with what though? Financially he is out in left field... Ugh I dread the thought. Especially since I know I still "love" him, at least love the guy that is buried beneath the monster he is on drugs. I can't imagine what it will be like.
Man I'm struggling at the moment.
I know none of us here want to be single parents. Yet I know I am not doing right by my kids letting them live in a chaotic situation. I just don't understand why this is so hard for me. How can I let someone treat me like crap time and time again and not stand up for my dignity and not demand respect???
I put money down on a lawyer a month ago! I have had the paperwork to fill out since then, and at times felt he77bent on getting it done, yet when I sit down to do it, its so overwhelming! Divying up the life that we built together that at one time was so good. It's painful! I just pray I get the strength to take these next steps FAST and get on with it.
Sorry...just think I need some encouragement from others who have been there. Please tell me I can do this! Please tell me that I will find peace even while carrying such a HUGE load by myself. I know it's got to be easier once you let it all go and just have yourself and kids to focus on. But how long does it take to get over the pain of losing someone that you have loved so much. How do you get past the pain of seeing your kids hurting through it all. It seems unbearable from this side right now. I laid down with my son last night and said "let's pray" and he said "for dad?" I said sure what do you want to pray and he says "that you and dad get along". How sad is that? Please convince me that my kids will be okay and even better off with their parents split apart.
I also fear the whole court thing - how it will all flesh out. AH makes statements that he'll fight me tooth and nail, blah, blah. I wonder with what though? Financially he is out in left field... Ugh I dread the thought. Especially since I know I still "love" him, at least love the guy that is buried beneath the monster he is on drugs. I can't imagine what it will be like.
Man I'm struggling at the moment.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Angel, I am sorry this is so hard, I'm a mom of an addict so haven't been in your shoes...but I was raised by a single mom (my dad died when I was 6 years old) in a loving home and have fond memories of my childhood. Perhaps your children would be better off in a happy home with one parent rather than an unhappy home with two?
I wouldn't let his threats get to you, your lawyer can tell you your rights. But I would document how often he stays out, or is using, and creating chaos in your home. It may help you later if you have dates and incidents written down.
And it may be good to set some money aside, even a small amount, and have a plan in place to safely leave if you decide to do so.
Keep yourself and your children safe. When the time is right, you will "know" and knowing your rights ahead of time and having a plan for what you would do, will make the transition easier if the time should come that you carry through.
Big hugs because I know this must break your heart.
I wouldn't let his threats get to you, your lawyer can tell you your rights. But I would document how often he stays out, or is using, and creating chaos in your home. It may help you later if you have dates and incidents written down.
And it may be good to set some money aside, even a small amount, and have a plan in place to safely leave if you decide to do so.
Keep yourself and your children safe. When the time is right, you will "know" and knowing your rights ahead of time and having a plan for what you would do, will make the transition easier if the time should come that you carry through.
Big hugs because I know this must break your heart.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Unfortunately, no one can fix our problems for us. Life is full of hard choices. - The less of two evils sometimes.
As far as "seeing", we get there when we get there. Being in a relationship with an addict is a choice. But often after we've been there for a while, we become sicker than the addict, and it's hard to leave. The chaos, the drama, the fear of the unknown keeps us stuck. That's when we need to get help. Alanon, Nar-anon, counseling, church, family - there is lots of support out there, when you are ready for it.
But in the end, it comes down to us - we have to change OUR BEHAVIOR. It's not easy, but it's part of being a adult. I like the saying used on this site, "time to put on your big girl panties..."
As far as the kids, someone once said to me:
Better to come FROM a broken home, than live in one.
You can break the cycle angelstory. Don't doubt yourself for a minute. You and your kids will be better off without the chaos of addiction in your home. It's scary to change your life... yourself. But the scary part is only temporary. And once you get through this challenge, you'll be able to get through anything.
As far as "seeing", we get there when we get there. Being in a relationship with an addict is a choice. But often after we've been there for a while, we become sicker than the addict, and it's hard to leave. The chaos, the drama, the fear of the unknown keeps us stuck. That's when we need to get help. Alanon, Nar-anon, counseling, church, family - there is lots of support out there, when you are ready for it.
But in the end, it comes down to us - we have to change OUR BEHAVIOR. It's not easy, but it's part of being a adult. I like the saying used on this site, "time to put on your big girl panties..."
As far as the kids, someone once said to me:
Better to come FROM a broken home, than live in one.
You can break the cycle angelstory. Don't doubt yourself for a minute. You and your kids will be better off without the chaos of addiction in your home. It's scary to change your life... yourself. But the scary part is only temporary. And once you get through this challenge, you'll be able to get through anything.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Thanks Ladies...
I've done a lot of what you mention. I've started putting money aside slowly (part how I afforded a retainer with the lawyer). I spent too much time talking to my lawyer (LOL) so I feel like I know my rights sort of. I also have been going to celebrate recovery (tried alanon in the past). So that's why I have such a hard time understanding myself...I'm taking necessary steps, but for some reason this big huge hump is the has been nearly impossible for me. Anyway, I thank you. Like everything else with addiction I know that we all have to get there when we get there. I just wonder if there is anything that can nudge me along a little faster!
Ann, by the way, I have kept a journal for a few years now and per my lawyer started keeping better track of things. I had the info hidden and AH found it and won't give it back! He probably burned it! Now I'm having to go back on memory...
I've done a lot of what you mention. I've started putting money aside slowly (part how I afforded a retainer with the lawyer). I spent too much time talking to my lawyer (LOL) so I feel like I know my rights sort of. I also have been going to celebrate recovery (tried alanon in the past). So that's why I have such a hard time understanding myself...I'm taking necessary steps, but for some reason this big huge hump is the has been nearly impossible for me. Anyway, I thank you. Like everything else with addiction I know that we all have to get there when we get there. I just wonder if there is anything that can nudge me along a little faster!
Ann, by the way, I have kept a journal for a few years now and per my lawyer started keeping better track of things. I had the info hidden and AH found it and won't give it back! He probably burned it! Now I'm having to go back on memory...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
angelstory
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I'll share my story.
I have to take my memory back a very long time......27-28 years.....to remember the life I had with my ex. We had a small child (1-1/2 years old) and my ex didn't work, didn't do the housework, didn't do the yardwork, and wouldn't take care of our son (his words "I'm not a babysitter" yeah really.....he said that). Ex would hang out, smoke pot, drink, play his guitar and invite very scary people over to our house. I would mow the lawn with my son in a backpack. I took my son to daycare (which we really couldn't afford since ex wasn't working and he wasn't looking for work). Ex would tell me "If you leave me, I will kill myself." and I couldn't deal with the pain of feeling responsible if that happened. That's just a little glimpse of the life I had with him.
I eventually hit MY low point and I divorced him. I took on all of the debt in the divorce and set him free.....set ME free. I lost the house to foreclosure. I had to move 3,000 miles to live with my parents. I met a man. I fell in love again (now THAT was scary at the time). We married. We raised my son and a daughter we had together. And here we are--still married--still in love 25 years later. My husband is a wonderful man and I am still amazed that God gave me the chance to meet him and marry him.
I don't want to paint this as a fairy tale. It's not. But MY life got much better after my divorce.
My son is now an addict. He was raised in a good home. By a mother and stepfather who loved him and provided for him. He was taught right from wrong. He was shown by example to have a good work ethic. He had all of the opportunity in the world (college education--twice...love and support from his family) but he chose to become an addict.
I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. And I can't speculate if divorcing his father was a factor in his choices. I do know that I made choices that allowed him to grow up with a more stable environment, with love, and opportunity to achieve his full potential. He chose a different path.
It's scary to do something that is so life altering. I think we make those changes when we are more frightened of the status quo than we are of the change we're faced with.
Take care of yourself
gentle hugs
PS--Side note.....my ex is still very much alive....he didn't kill himself.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I'll share my story.
I have to take my memory back a very long time......27-28 years.....to remember the life I had with my ex. We had a small child (1-1/2 years old) and my ex didn't work, didn't do the housework, didn't do the yardwork, and wouldn't take care of our son (his words "I'm not a babysitter" yeah really.....he said that). Ex would hang out, smoke pot, drink, play his guitar and invite very scary people over to our house. I would mow the lawn with my son in a backpack. I took my son to daycare (which we really couldn't afford since ex wasn't working and he wasn't looking for work). Ex would tell me "If you leave me, I will kill myself." and I couldn't deal with the pain of feeling responsible if that happened. That's just a little glimpse of the life I had with him.
I eventually hit MY low point and I divorced him. I took on all of the debt in the divorce and set him free.....set ME free. I lost the house to foreclosure. I had to move 3,000 miles to live with my parents. I met a man. I fell in love again (now THAT was scary at the time). We married. We raised my son and a daughter we had together. And here we are--still married--still in love 25 years later. My husband is a wonderful man and I am still amazed that God gave me the chance to meet him and marry him.
I don't want to paint this as a fairy tale. It's not. But MY life got much better after my divorce.
My son is now an addict. He was raised in a good home. By a mother and stepfather who loved him and provided for him. He was taught right from wrong. He was shown by example to have a good work ethic. He had all of the opportunity in the world (college education--twice...love and support from his family) but he chose to become an addict.
I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. And I can't speculate if divorcing his father was a factor in his choices. I do know that I made choices that allowed him to grow up with a more stable environment, with love, and opportunity to achieve his full potential. He chose a different path.
It's scary to do something that is so life altering. I think we make those changes when we are more frightened of the status quo than we are of the change we're faced with.
Take care of yourself
gentle hugs
PS--Side note.....my ex is still very much alive....he didn't kill himself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by angelstory 
Like everything else with addiction I know that we all have to get there when we get there. I just wonder if there is anything that can nudge me along a little faster!
I'm sorry you're hurting and addiction sucks.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
.
..... he chose to become an addict.
..... he chose to become an addict.
Does anyone choose to become an addict?
I think people try hard core drugs with the belief system/rationalization that they can control it. It's magical thinking.
Despite everything they have seen or heard prior, it seems that many people think they are unique and strong enough to control the drug.
I tend to view it as a maturity thing with a strong dose of entitlement vs. self destructiveness thrown in.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
In facing difficult pathways in my life I have held onto this promise
"No matter what me and my God are going to be ok - even better than OK!"
I have looked myself in the mirror and told myself those words over and over again - even when I didn't believe it or imagine that it could be true. It has gotten me thru some absolutely horrid times.
Maybe you could write that down in a place where you could see it often and maybe it could give you some reassurance as you walk this difficult path.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
"No matter what me and my God are going to be ok - even better than OK!"
I have looked myself in the mirror and told myself those words over and over again - even when I didn't believe it or imagine that it could be true. It has gotten me thru some absolutely horrid times.
Maybe you could write that down in a place where you could see it often and maybe it could give you some reassurance as you walk this difficult path.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
But MY life got much better after my divorce. - I had a good friend say to me..."The hell you know is more comfortable than the heaven that awaits you..."
She was so right...it's scary...I am a single mom to twin girls...without a job at the moment... But with absolutely zero regrets about divorcing my exah and getting my daughters in a better living environment. My life is not easy...and I get lonely and scared sometimes...but I push past those insecurities because I know better days are ahead for me...and I've already experience many in the last three months since I left my exah.
No one can tell you what to do...you have to make choices about what is best for you and your children...but, consider your past with your ah...and consider your future...what do you want it to look like??? You do have choices about the path you will continue to walk! I wish you the best...
She was so right...it's scary...I am a single mom to twin girls...without a job at the moment... But with absolutely zero regrets about divorcing my exah and getting my daughters in a better living environment. My life is not easy...and I get lonely and scared sometimes...but I push past those insecurities because I know better days are ahead for me...and I've already experience many in the last three months since I left my exah.
No one can tell you what to do...you have to make choices about what is best for you and your children...but, consider your past with your ah...and consider your future...what do you want it to look like??? You do have choices about the path you will continue to walk! I wish you the best...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by Japic05
"No matter what me and my God are going to be ok - even better than OK!"PINK HUGS, Rita
I'll trade you a gentle hug for a pink one
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Just a little update since I posted this a week and a half ago!
I made it through my paperwork...and got it turned it! Yeah! It isn't fully complete but I felt I needed to get this going.
AH has been a complete mess and after some talking over the weekend I realize that he is more lost than I even realized. I have to let him go and let him figure his life out. Right now I enable the situation big time since I pay our mortgage and keep a lot of things going. It seems he doesn't realize just how much. He also has become so engrained in this lifestyle he doesn't "see" anything straight at the moment.
So...tonight I sat outside (a beautiful night!) and looked at the stars and talked to God for a while. Instead of breaking down bawling I feel some peace, which is huge for me.
All of a sudden I feel ready to move forward and I'm starting to fantasize about my life ahead (alone) instead of fantasizing about our life together, you know, the one where he gets his act together and we can get on with raising our sweet little family like we planned to all along. It's hard letting that dream go, but it's got to the part where living with him is worse than letting it go. I hope I have reached my bottom.
What has been so difficult is that he was an awesome husband for so many years...we had the normal life...we made great plans together and accomplished a lot of goals. He was a hard worker and devoted to me...and initially devoted to our kids. But once he started drugs it has been a downhill slide ever since and I am accepting that he may never come out of this. I can't wait around in misery anymore hoping for something that really doesn't seem possible anymore.
We had a major blowout on Friday eve and I told him not to come home, which he didn't. He made it sound like it was all my doing, but in actuality I'm sure he was relieved to be able to do what he wanted without feeling any pressure or guilt. So, Sat. I took my son out for the day with my sister and we had fun! I have put so much of our life on hold waiting for dad to join us. I'm done with that. AH was so pi$$y about everything and came home late on Sat after the kids were in bed. Now today, Sunday, he was trying to be all nice and well I'm tired of taking his crumbs! I didn't play into any of his "nice" suggestions and of course heard about it later. Oh well. Not like he hasn't done this before...usually I play into the nice and things calm down until a day or so later when he gets back into his thing. It's sickening and I don't want to play anymore!!!
So...thanks for the comments. I'll keep praying that I gain strength and momentum. For us, I don't plan to leave yet. I just plan to file and see where things go...mainly because I can't afford to go anywhere else and don't want to leave the home I'm paying for! So I'm going to have to keep reading and attending meetings and learning how to detach correctly. My biggest risk is that I get rowed up and egg him on at times when he is high. Not a smart thing to do at all and I'm learning to just let it be. I can't do anything about it...I can't change him, just me.
Sorry I keep rambling!!!
I made it through my paperwork...and got it turned it! Yeah! It isn't fully complete but I felt I needed to get this going.
AH has been a complete mess and after some talking over the weekend I realize that he is more lost than I even realized. I have to let him go and let him figure his life out. Right now I enable the situation big time since I pay our mortgage and keep a lot of things going. It seems he doesn't realize just how much. He also has become so engrained in this lifestyle he doesn't "see" anything straight at the moment.
So...tonight I sat outside (a beautiful night!) and looked at the stars and talked to God for a while. Instead of breaking down bawling I feel some peace, which is huge for me.
All of a sudden I feel ready to move forward and I'm starting to fantasize about my life ahead (alone) instead of fantasizing about our life together, you know, the one where he gets his act together and we can get on with raising our sweet little family like we planned to all along. It's hard letting that dream go, but it's got to the part where living with him is worse than letting it go. I hope I have reached my bottom.
What has been so difficult is that he was an awesome husband for so many years...we had the normal life...we made great plans together and accomplished a lot of goals. He was a hard worker and devoted to me...and initially devoted to our kids. But once he started drugs it has been a downhill slide ever since and I am accepting that he may never come out of this. I can't wait around in misery anymore hoping for something that really doesn't seem possible anymore.
We had a major blowout on Friday eve and I told him not to come home, which he didn't. He made it sound like it was all my doing, but in actuality I'm sure he was relieved to be able to do what he wanted without feeling any pressure or guilt. So, Sat. I took my son out for the day with my sister and we had fun! I have put so much of our life on hold waiting for dad to join us. I'm done with that. AH was so pi$$y about everything and came home late on Sat after the kids were in bed. Now today, Sunday, he was trying to be all nice and well I'm tired of taking his crumbs! I didn't play into any of his "nice" suggestions and of course heard about it later. Oh well. Not like he hasn't done this before...usually I play into the nice and things calm down until a day or so later when he gets back into his thing. It's sickening and I don't want to play anymore!!!
So...thanks for the comments. I'll keep praying that I gain strength and momentum. For us, I don't plan to leave yet. I just plan to file and see where things go...mainly because I can't afford to go anywhere else and don't want to leave the home I'm paying for! So I'm going to have to keep reading and attending meetings and learning how to detach correctly. My biggest risk is that I get rowed up and egg him on at times when he is high. Not a smart thing to do at all and I'm learning to just let it be. I can't do anything about it...I can't change him, just me.
Sorry I keep rambling!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
No, you keep rambling all that you need to....we are here for you. You are right - it takes what it takes and you are making steps towards the future. We each find our own paths and do it on our own time schedules. We have a multitude of reasons to do it the way that we do it and we know our own lives best.
You are doing "right" by continuing with meetings and working on detachment. I know what you mean - it can be hard not to egg someone on. When I do that I realize that I am emotionally drunk.
One thing that I try and remember with my kids.....by continuing in a relationship with someone in active addiction I realize that I am teaching them either how to use or how to live with a user. Sobering thought.
Hang in there and grab hold of those moments of joy and peace when you find them. The more that you feel them the more that you will want them, crave them, and create them.
Lots of love!
You are doing "right" by continuing with meetings and working on detachment. I know what you mean - it can be hard not to egg someone on. When I do that I realize that I am emotionally drunk.
One thing that I try and remember with my kids.....by continuing in a relationship with someone in active addiction I realize that I am teaching them either how to use or how to live with a user. Sobering thought.
Hang in there and grab hold of those moments of joy and peace when you find them. The more that you feel them the more that you will want them, crave them, and create them.
Lots of love!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
angel,
i am so glad for you that you have taken a huge step.
the day my xah moved out, i stood inside the closet, half of which was now empty, and shed big, fat tears of grief for the broken relationship i once never dreamed i would have.
it was the first day of rest of my life.
i don't know you, your thought processes, and the life before you, but i do know that i never, ever looked back, never regretted for one second the decision i made.
times were stressful. there were details that were hard to talk about and decide. that's why i had an attorney.
me, my family, and possibly even my husband, were better off once our marriage ended.
peace to you....
i am so glad for you that you have taken a huge step.
the day my xah moved out, i stood inside the closet, half of which was now empty, and shed big, fat tears of grief for the broken relationship i once never dreamed i would have.
it was the first day of rest of my life.
i don't know you, your thought processes, and the life before you, but i do know that i never, ever looked back, never regretted for one second the decision i made.
times were stressful. there were details that were hard to talk about and decide. that's why i had an attorney.
me, my family, and possibly even my husband, were better off once our marriage ended.
peace to you....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Hey Angel,
I have been in your shoes, and it is hard. I think for me that I stayed so long because things were so good in the beginning and I kept hoping that somehow it would come back to that. We have a son and I struggled badly wondering if I was doing right for my child.
When your in a relationship with an addict one thing is sure to happen, the disease will progress. What it took for me was letting it come to a bitter end before I finally let go, it took him stealing from me and hocking my jewelry to make me see that nothing else mattered to him and that person I once loved was really gone.
I have filed for divorce and he has run away to parts unknown. At times I am overcome with greif of what should have been but I recognize it for what it is. I am greiving the loss of a relationship I had for 10 years. The peace I feel is overwhelming, I now longer wake up worrying "What is he going to do today?" Instead I wake up and say "What can I do today?" My son is doing extremley well, he doesn't even ask about his dad.
I have wonderful friends and family and things are progressing well. There is life after an addict. You just have to get to the point of accepting it.
I wish for you peace and serenity.
Teggie
I have been in your shoes, and it is hard. I think for me that I stayed so long because things were so good in the beginning and I kept hoping that somehow it would come back to that. We have a son and I struggled badly wondering if I was doing right for my child.
When your in a relationship with an addict one thing is sure to happen, the disease will progress. What it took for me was letting it come to a bitter end before I finally let go, it took him stealing from me and hocking my jewelry to make me see that nothing else mattered to him and that person I once loved was really gone.
I have filed for divorce and he has run away to parts unknown. At times I am overcome with greif of what should have been but I recognize it for what it is. I am greiving the loss of a relationship I had for 10 years. The peace I feel is overwhelming, I now longer wake up worrying "What is he going to do today?" Instead I wake up and say "What can I do today?" My son is doing extremley well, he doesn't even ask about his dad.
I have wonderful friends and family and things are progressing well. There is life after an addict. You just have to get to the point of accepting it.
I wish for you peace and serenity.
Teggie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Thank you so much everyone for the continued encouragement! I am very needy for it at this moment.
This experience is sure teaching me a lot about the paradigm of relationships, marriage, etc. I married for life, or so I thought. I never would have imagined ending up here, so it's easy to think "life" in normal terms. I can handle the normal stuff...bring it on! But as a Christian, this step has been extremely difficult. Now, I am filing for a legal separation for starters, but realize it will probably end up the other way. It is basically the same thing - I can separate our lives, and then go from there. Who really knows what is in store for the future. One step at a time (which is also a lesson in itself for me, lol!)!
This experience is sure teaching me a lot about the paradigm of relationships, marriage, etc. I married for life, or so I thought. I never would have imagined ending up here, so it's easy to think "life" in normal terms. I can handle the normal stuff...bring it on! But as a Christian, this step has been extremely difficult. Now, I am filing for a legal separation for starters, but realize it will probably end up the other way. It is basically the same thing - I can separate our lives, and then go from there. Who really knows what is in store for the future. One step at a time (which is also a lesson in itself for me, lol!)!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
One step at a time (which is also a lesson in itself for me, lol!)!
It's much easier to solve problems when we focus on the present and then do the next WISE thing based on the things we know to be true at that moment. I have way fewer regrets now then when I used to try to make the right choice based on my best guess about what was going to happen in the future.
How do you move a mountain? One shovelful at a time.
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