Everything is my fault, always about everything.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Nevada
Posts: 44
Everything is my fault, always about everything.
He took his time getting better. He took his time changing. He took his time being nice, giving instead of taking, staying instead of going.
And I am still here.
He took his time to do what he wanted when he wanted to do it.
And I am still here.
He took my time, his daughters' and his family's time.
And we are all still here.
We get no time at all. We are just supposed to trust and agree and understand everything...(*snap*) like that.
He makes me feel horrible for not automatically trusting him and allowing things to go back to normal as if he was never addicted. Now, the things that I have been doing for the past two years (that I guessed he never noticed) are wrong and he is deciding that I am a bad this or I do this wrong.
I can t breathe right now.
Everything hurts inside and out and he is sitting there and talking to me like he is an angel from the heavens.
And I am still here.
He took his time to do what he wanted when he wanted to do it.
And I am still here.
He took my time, his daughters' and his family's time.
And we are all still here.
We get no time at all. We are just supposed to trust and agree and understand everything...(*snap*) like that.
He makes me feel horrible for not automatically trusting him and allowing things to go back to normal as if he was never addicted. Now, the things that I have been doing for the past two years (that I guessed he never noticed) are wrong and he is deciding that I am a bad this or I do this wrong.
I can t breathe right now.
Everything hurts inside and out and he is sitting there and talking to me like he is an angel from the heavens.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Exactly where my HP wants me to be
Posts: 136
It took you a long time for you to lose trust in him, likewise it's going to take him a long time to earn back your trust. He has to earn it because he's the one that squandered it in the first place. Don't let him guilt you because of his wrongdoing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm sorry you're hurting.
As both an RA and a recovering codie, I can tell you that trust does NOT come automatically, nor should it. When I got into recovery, I had to build that trust back up, and I had to let my family talk about how much I had hurt them. That was part of my consequences. By letting them vent, for a while, and me doing everything I could to work my recovery, we were able to move forward. However, I'm not talking about a spouse, so I know that's different.
You aren't at fault for what he's done. Never were, never will be. He gets to own his own actions and the consequences for them. I know it's easier said than done, but when we stop TAKING the blame, start saying, calmly "no, it's not my fault" and refuse to engage in the quacking nonsense, we start to feel better.
I've had to accept that yes, I did have a part in my codie relationships, but I am working hard to not make those same mistakes again, and I won't keep getting dragged back into what was.
It took me a long time of reading here, taking baby steps to get to this point, and I still slip back, but I'm a lot better than I used to be, when I was pretty much a doormat and accepted blame for everything.
Keep reading and posting, go to meetings if you can, and know that we care.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
As both an RA and a recovering codie, I can tell you that trust does NOT come automatically, nor should it. When I got into recovery, I had to build that trust back up, and I had to let my family talk about how much I had hurt them. That was part of my consequences. By letting them vent, for a while, and me doing everything I could to work my recovery, we were able to move forward. However, I'm not talking about a spouse, so I know that's different.
You aren't at fault for what he's done. Never were, never will be. He gets to own his own actions and the consequences for them. I know it's easier said than done, but when we stop TAKING the blame, start saying, calmly "no, it's not my fault" and refuse to engage in the quacking nonsense, we start to feel better.
I've had to accept that yes, I did have a part in my codie relationships, but I am working hard to not make those same mistakes again, and I won't keep getting dragged back into what was.
It took me a long time of reading here, taking baby steps to get to this point, and I still slip back, but I'm a lot better than I used to be, when I was pretty much a doormat and accepted blame for everything.
Keep reading and posting, go to meetings if you can, and know that we care.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hey there.........you know in your heart that it is going to take time to trust someone who has lied, cheated, misled, and manipulated you. It really doesn't matter whether he understands this right now or not. You understand it and that's what really counts, right?
If he is going to AA or NA and working the steps, perhaps he'll eventually get it too. But that may take time......
gentle hugs
If he is going to AA or NA and working the steps, perhaps he'll eventually get it too. But that may take time......
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by ForAddynDaddy 
He makes me feel horrible for not automatically trusting him and allowing things to go back to normal as if he was never addicted.
The hard part in all this, for me, was figuring out my role and motivations.
Likely you feel guilty for not automatically trusting him again which is why his words connect. Let go of the guilt and "woosh" his words have no power over you. It's all about what's going on within you. And that's the part you control.
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