How do I change my behavior for my wife?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 59
How do I change my behavior for my wife?
I've mentioned it before, but my wife is very supportive of my recovery from alcohol. However, since I have hurt her so many times in the past by hiding my drinking, the little things still hurt her.
For instance, my job affords me the opportunity to take a little time off during the day if I need to decompress or relax a little bit. I went to a $1 theater yesterday around 2 to catch a movie. I didn't tell her and she found out this morning. So, of course it brings up the past and how I've hid things. Although I just didn't mention it, I hurt her anyhow.
How do I get better at realizing these small trigger points? How do I become more aware of how little things can cause bigger problems by bringing back past experiences?
Any help would be greatly appreciated! I am getting better, but still screw up from time to time and I owe her so much for being so rotten.
For instance, my job affords me the opportunity to take a little time off during the day if I need to decompress or relax a little bit. I went to a $1 theater yesterday around 2 to catch a movie. I didn't tell her and she found out this morning. So, of course it brings up the past and how I've hid things. Although I just didn't mention it, I hurt her anyhow.
How do I get better at realizing these small trigger points? How do I become more aware of how little things can cause bigger problems by bringing back past experiences?
Any help would be greatly appreciated! I am getting better, but still screw up from time to time and I owe her so much for being so rotten.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 302
Hiding things in a marriage aren't good. I'm the drinker, however when my DH hides little things, which btw he doesn't think anything of it, I get really upset. I believe in a marriage you should never hide anything no matter how small. My husband went to a friend's house after work one night until the am and never texted me to let me know, never thought it was a big deal. I wouldn't talk to him for days. I find it disrespectful. My actions with drinking were terrible yes, but two wrongs don't make a right.
I talked to him about it and how not telling me even the slightest thing makes me feel like he's not including me in his life. When we made our vows we promised to honor and cherish.. so it hurts me deeply for him to hide small things. I want to be included in his life, small things and all. Plus, small things can lead to big things.. and I may suspect he's hiding something damaging. Just remember she's your wife and she should be included in your life. Even if she's not going with you, it's considerate to let her know. (we also worry about you guys
)
I talked to him about it and how not telling me even the slightest thing makes me feel like he's not including me in his life. When we made our vows we promised to honor and cherish.. so it hurts me deeply for him to hide small things. I want to be included in his life, small things and all. Plus, small things can lead to big things.. and I may suspect he's hiding something damaging. Just remember she's your wife and she should be included in your life. Even if she's not going with you, it's considerate to let her know. (we also worry about you guys
)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hmmm..have you considered couples counseling? I think its awesome that you want to change to make it up to her that you've been "rotten" but marriage is a partnership and she might need help learning how to trust you again...quite frnkly we are humans and humans make mistakes, trying to benpeefect is a good way to set yourself. Up for failure.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 59
we do counseling. to be honest, I think I need to work on remembering what needs to be said and not oblivious to what I'm doing. She doesn't care if I see a movie, but I just screw up and didn't say anything. if anything, it reminds me that I'm a srew up in the first place.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Between Serenity and Despair
Posts: 522
Well, I'm the "bad" alcoholic in my marriage. However, my alcoholism festered because I was incredibly unhappy in my marriage. My husband hid things from me when he knew I'd be unhappy about what he was doing. There are times it's still an issue for us. (And don't get me wrong here. I did rotten things, too.)
The best I can tell you is, learn from each experience. Try to make connections between the events that precipitate an episode of mistrust. Be willing to go out of your way to make her see you want to make changes.
For instance, next time you go to a movie, invite her along. She'll probably refuse, but you'll have been honest. Granted, my suggestion here may be a no-go. You have to tweak things to make them work for you. Now is a hard time to do that because your brain just isn't quite right when you first make your quit. However, your wife is hurting, too, and, you have a responsibility to your loved ones.
After a while, it's very possible things will loosen up. It takes time for wounds to heal, though. It takes time to rebuild trust. You and your wife both have some hard work ahead of you, but I bet you can do it. You might even have a better marriage than ever once it's over. I know I do.
The best I can tell you is, learn from each experience. Try to make connections between the events that precipitate an episode of mistrust. Be willing to go out of your way to make her see you want to make changes.
For instance, next time you go to a movie, invite her along. She'll probably refuse, but you'll have been honest. Granted, my suggestion here may be a no-go. You have to tweak things to make them work for you. Now is a hard time to do that because your brain just isn't quite right when you first make your quit. However, your wife is hurting, too, and, you have a responsibility to your loved ones.
After a while, it's very possible things will loosen up. It takes time for wounds to heal, though. It takes time to rebuild trust. You and your wife both have some hard work ahead of you, but I bet you can do it. You might even have a better marriage than ever once it's over. I know I do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 59
Thanks everyone. I know we'll have a better marriage because the last 2 weeks have been great! It's just when I remind her of my f-ups, I get depressed. Luckily, I get depressed, but just want to sulk and not really have anything to drink. So, that makes me feel better about the whole recovery thing.
It just sucks because everyone would like to just wave a magic wand and viola!, everything is fixed. I even look forward to talking with my closest friends personally because I feel that will go a long way in feeling better. My only fear is talking to her parents (but that's a whole other thread).
It just sucks because everyone would like to just wave a magic wand and viola!, everything is fixed. I even look forward to talking with my closest friends personally because I feel that will go a long way in feeling better. My only fear is talking to her parents (but that's a whole other thread).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 302
You're not a screw up, although some guys will say that, you just need to practice remembering to tell her about things, even small stupid things. The more you do, the better she'll feel and the more she'll trust you. It's all about just one little thing you're doing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 302
Originally Posted by abnheel 
Thanks everyone. I know we'll have a better marriage because the last 2 weeks have been great! It's just when I remind her of my f-ups, I get depressed. Luckily, I get depressed, but just want to sulk and not really have anything to drink. So, that makes me feel better about the whole recovery thing.
It just sucks because everyone would like to just wave a magic wand and viola!, everything is fixed. I even look forward to talking with my closest friends personally because I feel that will go a long way in feeling better. My only fear is talking to her parents (but that's a whole other thread).
It just sucks because everyone would like to just wave a magic wand and viola!, everything is fixed. I even look forward to talking with my closest friends personally because I feel that will go a long way in feeling better. My only fear is talking to her parents (but that's a whole other thread).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 426
Healing from lies to a spouse takes time and it is understandable that she is ultra sensetive about little things that you think do not matter. You probably thought your drinking was a 'little thing' that you could handle and that it didn't really matter, until it got too late and too far gone to the point YOU decided to stop. I think you just need to keep getting well and tolerate the issues biut try to work on being open to her about EVERYTHING. You may feel like you are a 2 year old but sometimes you need to accept how you behaved so badly and really try to put yourself on the other side of the situation.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am from the other side...and I don't see it as such a one sided issue.
I don't think it is all on you to rebuild the trust in the marriage.
Would she feel comfortable with al-aonon or would you feel comfortable introducing her to the family and friends section here?
I don't think it is all on you to rebuild the trust in the marriage.
Would she feel comfortable with al-aonon or would you feel comfortable introducing her to the family and friends section here?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
You could ask her if she wants you to disclose more about your daily life to her in the future.
You could make more phone calls during the day and mention what you are planning to do. I don't think that would qualify as "reporting" because lots of "normal" couples and families do this, all day long.
But, it's obvious that the past is presenting some challenges for her. She was hurt by the lack of disclosure before. I think the key is that you both agree the motivation for more disclosure is healthy and based on sharing and becoming closer, and not on "checking up".
You could make more phone calls during the day and mention what you are planning to do. I don't think that would qualify as "reporting" because lots of "normal" couples and families do this, all day long.
But, it's obvious that the past is presenting some challenges for her. She was hurt by the lack of disclosure before. I think the key is that you both agree the motivation for more disclosure is healthy and based on sharing and becoming closer, and not on "checking up".
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
I may get some flack here, and that's ok, but sometimes I think that we men just aren't as tuned in as women in these kind of situations. We're still out trying to kill a boar for dinner, while she's trying to make the relationship more intimate, more open and more connected. After the booze is out of our systems, we are faced with learning how to be more open and honest with our significant others, while society tells us that loose lips sink ships or something to that effect. I know of women who read books about relationships, talk with their girlfriends about them, and I'm still one of those guys who talks abotu the weather, or who scored what during the football game, so I know where you're at. Maybe that's why I'm single today, I'm just clueless, lol.
If you get this figured out, let the rest of us guys know, lol.
Seriously, trust is something that must be built over time, and if you tear the house of trust down, you have to start rebuilding it from the foundation up.
If you get this figured out, let the rest of us guys know, lol.
Seriously, trust is something that must be built over time, and if you tear the house of trust down, you have to start rebuilding it from the foundation up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I think you are very right Firestorm!
I have learned to appreciate my guy being a guy!
One thing that is stellar to me is when my man hears what I say to him and takes it seriously the first time and actually incorporates it into action.
I have stopped expecting him to get into those "girl" discussions about it.
Action is worth a thousand words anyway.
My sister has a "joke" about this.
She says a woman will have this thing that is an issue for her.
She trys to talk to him about it.
They may even fight about it.
Then it blows over.
He thinks, whew...glad that blew over and she is over it.
He might even...if he is a "real sensitive guy...bring chocolates or flowers"
One day she wakes up and says "That is it! Packs and leaves!"
He tells all his friends...."I don't know what went wrong! Why she left?"
He is surprised, baffled, blown out of the water....and often anguished!
She says "I have told him over and over and over....he is never going to get it! I can't take it anymore!"
(and, gee, he thought it was PMS or something and never makes the connection!)
BTW...this is a real truism!
I have learned to appreciate my guy being a guy!
One thing that is stellar to me is when my man hears what I say to him and takes it seriously the first time and actually incorporates it into action.
I have stopped expecting him to get into those "girl" discussions about it.
Action is worth a thousand words anyway.
My sister has a "joke" about this.
She says a woman will have this thing that is an issue for her.
She trys to talk to him about it.
They may even fight about it.
Then it blows over.
He thinks, whew...glad that blew over and she is over it.
He might even...if he is a "real sensitive guy...bring chocolates or flowers"
One day she wakes up and says "That is it! Packs and leaves!"
He tells all his friends...."I don't know what went wrong! Why she left?"
He is surprised, baffled, blown out of the water....and often anguished!
She says "I have told him over and over and over....he is never going to get it! I can't take it anymore!"
(and, gee, he thought it was PMS or something and never makes the connection!)
BTW...this is a real truism!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
Relationship advice is very tough because every person is different. My husband and I don't share our daily activities unless they are of interest or we are out of town.
We have gone through couples counseling and are happy for the first time in our marriage. The best advice we received was to sit down and communicate for twenty minutes a day. It is important there are no distractions and you should not talk about current events. This is a very difficult thing to do in the beginning. My husband and I were awkward and hadn't talked for years when we got this assignment so it took weeks to feel comfortable. Now we do it every night when he gets home. We've relaxed it a bit and take the dogs for a walk but we're old hats at it by now.
SH
We have gone through couples counseling and are happy for the first time in our marriage. The best advice we received was to sit down and communicate for twenty minutes a day. It is important there are no distractions and you should not talk about current events. This is a very difficult thing to do in the beginning. My husband and I were awkward and hadn't talked for years when we got this assignment so it took weeks to feel comfortable. Now we do it every night when he gets home. We've relaxed it a bit and take the dogs for a walk but we're old hats at it by now.
SH
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
It will take time in my experience...
I have made amends to my wife more than once.
It took my wife a year before she stopped hiding cash in her bra.
All i can do is stay focused on what i need to do to stay sober.
and give her the promises i made on our wedding day.
My marriage has turned into something very different to what it was.
Its a different love.........deeper and more about who she is, rather than what she can do for me....
Im 10 years sober..........we have never been so happy and have become devoted friends....i love her more than life itself.
i will never forget the roller coaster ride i dragged her onto....but i dont loath myself any longer........we just look ahead......and enjoy the view.
I have made amends to my wife more than once.
It took my wife a year before she stopped hiding cash in her bra.
All i can do is stay focused on what i need to do to stay sober.
and give her the promises i made on our wedding day.
My marriage has turned into something very different to what it was.
Its a different love.........deeper and more about who she is, rather than what she can do for me....
Im 10 years sober..........we have never been so happy and have become devoted friends....i love her more than life itself.
i will never forget the roller coaster ride i dragged her onto....but i dont loath myself any longer........we just look ahead......and enjoy the view.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Dont' meant to hijack your thread ab, but to me men and women still handle relationships kinda like this:
woman to woman:
"Hey, how's it going with so&so?"
"Oh, he's wonderful, bought me candies yesterday, is learning to pick up his shoes and leave the toilet seat down, and even washed my car for me while I was feeling down last week."
"Oh, that's wonderful, he's so kind and generous, and thoughtful too, I wish my bf was like that but sometimes he's a real jerk, doesn't pay attention to me, and keeps texting someone when we're out to dinner, which really bothers me."
"Oh, that's just not right, I would.........".
guy to guy:
"Hey, you still seeing so&so?"
"yep"
"wanna grab a brat and watch the game?"
"yep"
woman to woman:
"Hey, how's it going with so&so?"
"Oh, he's wonderful, bought me candies yesterday, is learning to pick up his shoes and leave the toilet seat down, and even washed my car for me while I was feeling down last week."
"Oh, that's wonderful, he's so kind and generous, and thoughtful too, I wish my bf was like that but sometimes he's a real jerk, doesn't pay attention to me, and keeps texting someone when we're out to dinner, which really bothers me."
"Oh, that's just not right, I would.........".
guy to guy:
"Hey, you still seeing so&so?"
"yep"
"wanna grab a brat and watch the game?"
"yep"
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
