How was your Friday? Mine, not so awesome. (long)
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 46
How was your Friday? Mine, not so awesome. (long)
Ah is relapsing. It really sucks and I'm trying to stick to my boundaries. And i am ANGRY. On Friday we went to a concert and he bought himself two beers and was so proud that he 'only' had two and was able to stop himself. Then he was mad because I didn't share in his enthusiasm and that I didn't want to talk about it on the two hour car ride home.
Needless to say, the ride home was not cool. He said a lot of mean things and couldn't understand why I wasn't happy for him. There was a lot of badgering and I lost my temper as well, which I'm not proud of, and not trying to make excuses for my behavior (especially since I knew the argument was coming....).
He told me that if I expected perfection and that I should leave him if I didn't love him as he was. He tried to tell me that he would legally take my children away from me and that his parents had more money than mine and would back him 100%. This is where I lost my temper. Not about his drinking, the mean things he was saying about me and my physical appearance or the crap analogies he was using to justify why it's okay that he drank, it was when he threatened to take my babies away. That's where I raised my voice and told him that was total crap, no judge is going to take children away from a woman who has a college degree, holds down a good job and has NEVER been unemployed, is a respected member of the community, has no prior arrests, is very visible in taking GOOD care of my children (pretty much everyone in the community knows they are my kids...they are often given suckers, smiles and 'oh you look just like your mama did at her age' type comments....yes, we live in Mayberry....) and that if he REALLY wanted to try to defame my character and prove me unfit, go ahead. And as for his parents taking me to court, not gonna happen. They will support their son and they will help him financially should he choose this road, but they aren't going to put up with alcohol any more than I am. They are STRICT Southern Baptists and I'm not his brother's dead-beat girlfriends who party all weekend every weekend and dump my kids off on them (they are Grandparents raising Grandchildren). And maybe I was wrong to tell him that I have no intention of taking our children from him (and I don't), but I did tell him that much. It was eye-opening to see how afraid he was that I really would take our kids away.
There's a whole lot more, but that was the big conversation on the ride home. Gah! I'm so mad that I"m being put in a spot where I'm supposed to approve of his abuse of alcohol and stand back and be okay with him relapsing. I don't want to do this anymore and told him that. I don't want to go through another 2 months of increased drinking and stupid moods. I haven't backed down on it so far and I've avoided him all weekend. I don't know how long I'm going to be able to do so, and I have that 'argument knot' in my stomach, so I know another round is coming soon. I haven't been uncivil, but we haven't resolved anything and I'm at a spot where Picnik don't know that I want to. I know I'll figure it out, but the in-between/limbo of the decision is never fun. Thank you for listening and having a place to type this out. It helps so much.
Needless to say, the ride home was not cool. He said a lot of mean things and couldn't understand why I wasn't happy for him. There was a lot of badgering and I lost my temper as well, which I'm not proud of, and not trying to make excuses for my behavior (especially since I knew the argument was coming....).
He told me that if I expected perfection and that I should leave him if I didn't love him as he was. He tried to tell me that he would legally take my children away from me and that his parents had more money than mine and would back him 100%. This is where I lost my temper. Not about his drinking, the mean things he was saying about me and my physical appearance or the crap analogies he was using to justify why it's okay that he drank, it was when he threatened to take my babies away. That's where I raised my voice and told him that was total crap, no judge is going to take children away from a woman who has a college degree, holds down a good job and has NEVER been unemployed, is a respected member of the community, has no prior arrests, is very visible in taking GOOD care of my children (pretty much everyone in the community knows they are my kids...they are often given suckers, smiles and 'oh you look just like your mama did at her age' type comments....yes, we live in Mayberry....) and that if he REALLY wanted to try to defame my character and prove me unfit, go ahead. And as for his parents taking me to court, not gonna happen. They will support their son and they will help him financially should he choose this road, but they aren't going to put up with alcohol any more than I am. They are STRICT Southern Baptists and I'm not his brother's dead-beat girlfriends who party all weekend every weekend and dump my kids off on them (they are Grandparents raising Grandchildren). And maybe I was wrong to tell him that I have no intention of taking our children from him (and I don't), but I did tell him that much. It was eye-opening to see how afraid he was that I really would take our kids away.
There's a whole lot more, but that was the big conversation on the ride home. Gah! I'm so mad that I"m being put in a spot where I'm supposed to approve of his abuse of alcohol and stand back and be okay with him relapsing. I don't want to do this anymore and told him that. I don't want to go through another 2 months of increased drinking and stupid moods. I haven't backed down on it so far and I've avoided him all weekend. I don't know how long I'm going to be able to do so, and I have that 'argument knot' in my stomach, so I know another round is coming soon. I haven't been uncivil, but we haven't resolved anything and I'm at a spot where Picnik don't know that I want to. I know I'll figure it out, but the in-between/limbo of the decision is never fun. Thank you for listening and having a place to type this out. It helps so much.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I'd just like to point out, do you see how much time and energy of YOUR ONE PRECIOUS LIFE you are wasting dealing with this CRAP from this person who is never going to change and FOR WHAT?!?!? What are you getting out of this relationship? See how upset he has you, how much of your brain you have to use thinking about this, when you COULD BE using your brain for something fun and/or worthwhile? He pi$$es me off too.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
The best thing to do is NOT engage with him during his rants. Let him go ahead and think he can do all those things. Truth is, he can't and you know it.
No need to tip him off to the cards you hold. Just do what you feel is best for you and your kids and let him find out on his own that he doesn't have anywhere near as much power as he thinks he does. My ex was all puffed up about what he was going to do and what he was going to get out of me and how he would get custody of our daughter and blah, blah, blah. Reality came down on him pretty hard and he realized he's not so special after all.
No need to tip him off to the cards you hold. Just do what you feel is best for you and your kids and let him find out on his own that he doesn't have anywhere near as much power as he thinks he does. My ex was all puffed up about what he was going to do and what he was going to get out of me and how he would get custody of our daughter and blah, blah, blah. Reality came down on him pretty hard and he realized he's not so special after all.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
For what it's worth with how you're feeling right now, you ignored some serious attempts to inflame you until he got to the threats of taking the kids. Give yourself some credit. You kept yourself contained until then. And, as for losing your temper, if you're going to rage at him over something, you damn well better believe it's going to be about the kids, right?! No one is going to fault you for going a little "Mama Bear" over threats from an alcoholic on the edge of relapse at taking your children from you.
Take a deep breath. You handled yourself as best you knew considering you were trapped with him for two hours and he was obviously determined to push a button on you before the trip ended. We all have our limits.
Time to address a plan Circle. Time to decide what you are going to do next for you and your children. If he is now making decisions again based on booze, he's no longer rational to deal with. If he goes right back to heavy drinking and mood swings and the lot, what's your move? No need to discuss anything with him either, decide for yourself and take action when action is due.
If the drinking stops and recovery begins you can plan accordingly.
I read this quote from Rosa Parks recently. You might like it....
“I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.”
Not that you're feeling fear. For me, having a plan and knowing what must be done, does away with doubt and questioning myself. Gives me the freedom just do the next right thing and not retrace my steps.
Best to you!!
Alice
Take a deep breath. You handled yourself as best you knew considering you were trapped with him for two hours and he was obviously determined to push a button on you before the trip ended. We all have our limits.
Time to address a plan Circle. Time to decide what you are going to do next for you and your children. If he is now making decisions again based on booze, he's no longer rational to deal with. If he goes right back to heavy drinking and mood swings and the lot, what's your move? No need to discuss anything with him either, decide for yourself and take action when action is due.
If the drinking stops and recovery begins you can plan accordingly.
I read this quote from Rosa Parks recently. You might like it....
“I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.”
Not that you're feeling fear. For me, having a plan and knowing what must be done, does away with doubt and questioning myself. Gives me the freedom just do the next right thing and not retrace my steps.
Best to you!!
Alice
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