lulu1974

Hello SR,
So these days I am on my own... It feels good most of the time but I do get lonely. Its strange that once the drama left my life, there seems there is nothing left for now.
I had a procedure on my eye done on Thursday and well it was a lot more painful than I anticipated. I made it thru and today is a better day. Just a little discomfort.
These days I am questioning who I am. This is not an easy thing to do. I have no idea who I am or who I want to be.
I dont want to be home. I want to live. At 35 though aside from bars I am having a hard time meeting new people. Where do you go? I can only go to Barnes and Noble so many times. Maybe I am just feeling this way because of the procedure. I dont know. But I never felt lonelier. I am also so sad for all my stbxah did. For the life I mourn. For the husband he wasnt. For the best friend he wasnt. For the pain I felt.

I guess this is the time where I get to start over except I dont know what to do. Where to start.
Anyone have suggestions how to start this new life?
hugs
Lulu

Freedom1990

My 12 step home group is wonderful. I have meetings to attend, I'm active in service work, and we just had a big campfire meeting out at a fishing lake last month. Everyone brought a covered dish, and we had two members cooking up hamburgers and polish sausage.

PurpleWilder

Honey, I am so where you are right now. I have been divorced 4 years, celibate 5 years and am ready to go out into the world. But it is so hard when you never have time and always have kids with you - not exactly ideal for meeting a nice guy. [sigh]

coyote21

Hi Lulu,

Sorry to hear you're feeling down. My kid's still gone, and I have had some long alone days these last two weeks.

One of my Alanon buddies suggested to me to try to find a place to "volunteer" while I figure this job thing out.

She pointed out that you really meet the "cream of the crop" of humanity that way. Made sense to me. Of course I haven't actually DONE anything about it yet! Ha!

I go to Alanon, 4 times a week now, and since my job was so physical, only needed 2 days at the gym. I upped that to 3 times now and there are like minded people both places.

We have a great library in our town, so during the week when everyone with jobs is working (poor old employed folks), I go there to read, and at least be out of the apt./around people.

I keep threatening to take a yoga class, actually checked it out at the activity center, $7, seems kind of high, but I may do it just once for the experience.

Can't remember if you have a pet, I talk to my tomcat all the time, and he "talks" back. It's funny, I've always talked to all my various pets over the years and I swear, they have all been VERY verbal, as if they are trying to talk back.

Any way, if you're petless, I'd urge you to march to the nearest shelter TODAY. They're having a 2fer sale on cats at the Austin Humane center. Too funny.

Any way, this too shall pass. :ghug3

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Learn2Live

Hi LuLu

When I first got into Recovery, I went to therapy once a week, my Al-Anon ACOA home group every Tuesday night, and my regular Al-Anon meeting every Saturday night. (There were many other meetings I went to, but those were the ones that became my regular meetings, that is, the ones where I felt most comfortable and felt I learned the most). After about six months, I had gained some strength and started working part-time for a friend, a low-pressure job (which was all I could handle, mentally, at the time). After a little while more (baby steps), I went to community college and took lots of different classes on topics I had always wanted to learn about and things I always wanted to try. I even took piano and dance classes!!!! I was HORRIBLE at BOTH of those things but I had always wanted to do them, so I got a huge sense of accomplishment from just TRYING and simply learning that those things just weren't for me. I took an acting class too and discovered that other people thought I was good at it, although my very weak self-esteem and self-confidence would not allow me to even believe that the people were telling me the truth when they said I'd done a good job. I thought they were just trying to be nice to me.

After focusing on JUST ME and these things I needed and wanted for myself, I was then able to re-focus my energies on my future. After a semester of taking these classes at community college, I went to the university and worked on my degree full-time. This is something I had always known I needed to do for myself, but before that time had made earning my degree the third or fourth priority in my life, after money, booze, and partying with friends. (Back before my Recovery, I took one or two classes a semester, only as my work and partying schedule allowed.)

I guess the long and short of what I am saying is, after I hit my rock bottom, then I got into Recovery, and I took a year and a half to really focus on me and learn how to take care of ME; how to focus my energies on ME, not some stupid guy who sucked the life out of me. I stayed OUT of bars for a long time and away from my so-called "friends" (partying buddies) who, by the way, ALL dropped me like a hot potato when I hit rock bottom and my life came crashing down around me. In the process of doing things that were healthy for ME, I met people who were also trying to be healthy. So, when you start making the right decisions for your self, when you start trying to take care of you, when you make concerted effort toward your own health, you will meet people who are healthy for you to be around. Bars are not a good place to meet people but if you want to meet healthy people, you have to CHOOSE HEALTH for yourSELF. Going to Barnes & Noble is a solitary activity. Going to 12-step meetings, yoga, college, university, the gym, can provide alternatives to meeting folks who are like-minded. Continue unhealthy behaviors and you will continue to meet unhealthy people.

I am sorry this is likely a run-on post. I am having difficulty organizing my thoughts and formulating non-repetitive sentences today, so I apologize. But I do hope something I have said here is helpful to you. The loneliness you speak of is not good for you LuLu. Broaden your OWN horizons and you will broaden the quality and number of people who share your life with you. If you are at all spiritual, it is also generally beneficial to attend a religious institution. Religious people tend to be healthier than non-religious populations and are known to be supportive and caring people, in many cases.

Take care hon.

sandrawg

Hi Lulu,

I can relate to what you're feeling. My xabf and I broke up 3 months ago. I'm trying to do all healthy things...staying away from bars, going to al-anon, working the steps. I too get very lonely sometimes.

I put my profile up on a dating website. I've been on a few dates-met some very cool guys, but no one I'm that attracted to. I think everyone else has given you good advice...take some classes...do some volunteer work...I dunno what I would do w/out my good friends. Sometimes we just hang out and watch movies, or I make dinner for them. I'd be lost w/out them!

chicory

Learntolive quote:
"I am sorry this is likely a run-on post. I am having difficulty organizing my thoughts and formulating non-repetitive sentences today, so I apologize. "

Hi Learntolive ,
Actually, before I read that last sentence, I was thinking of how together you sound, and what good advice this is. You have a good head, young lady!

dollydo

The gym? The YMCA? Join a book club? Cooking class? Get a dog, walk in the park.

I grow orchids, go to cooking classes, take short trips, I just took a CSI adventure, had a ball, I solved the crime! Invite your friends over, play cards, do puzzles, cook together.

Life is a song worth singing...sing it!

Mel8899

Lulu so sorry!! I cannot even say I've been there because I divorced my alcoholic abusive hubby 20 years ago and never took another chance. Got a dog and she was the love of my life, lost her in April. Lost my job too! So here is where I stand, Mom is letting me move in with her (she can't wait! someone to take care of her!), I need a job, but one that I want vs it all being about money. Also going on a cruise in August and then a new puppy (or 2??)
I do not have kids, but have 5 neices and nephews who I adore. I relish being the fun aunt! I have to look forward, no other choice. Mom lives in a great neighborhood with parks and pools so don't need a gym.

Please stay with us here and post away, everyone is so supportive!! Spend some time treating yourself well and the rest will fall into place!! I feel so less loney when I check it here and post!!

Melissa

kelsh

Hi Everyone,

I did just about the same as LearntoLive did. My first year of Sobriety I went to work, meetings, home, work, meetings, counseling for alcoholism, another counselor for Depression, work, meetings, home......

My Sponsor lived across the street from me so that was handy. The second
year being sober I enrolled in a small Private College near home & got my BA Degree in Psycology. I finished up my counseling for Depression & continued my AA Meetings & in six months applied for a job at the Mental Health Center where I was treated for my Alcoholism & Depression.

I was 50 years old & starting a kinda new career working with the Elderly which I already had 10 years in helping them in various capacities. I worked there until I had to quit due to my Arthritis & Depression that increased with the pain I was having. But I was starting my 10th year there when I quit.

Kelsh

Kassie2

Had to think a bit. I think everyone suggested many things to do. My response has been slower b/c I feel the pain of being alone a lot these days. But after thinking a bit, I realized that when I was younger, I often changed tracks and re invented myself. That means I tried different classes, activities, friendships, hobbies, careers, being closer to family and then distant from family etc. Some things I liked and others I didn't. That was the point - to find out what I liked and didn't like. Who I was and who I wasn't. It was valuable information and helped me find a job and lifestyle that I was comfortable in. Things may not have worked out so well in some areas, but the parts that work - get me through everyday.
You have time to do it all over again several times. Use the time, appreciate what you have and try on new things to see what else works or fits. You will surprise yourself!

IamSaved

I am discovering all the wonders that I am in this world! Life is a song worth singing! I love that!

I am involved with my church, the women in it and the ministry of counseling them. I work out every morning, I host a bible study in my home. I am nurturing new friendships, staying away from bars and barflies. Had enough of that life!

I have my family over every Sunday for dinner, I attend a small group with my church, I go to the movies, I pursue activities that are of interest to me. I love summer festivals, music, singing, dancing. I love being able to say "YES" to an invitation and not wonder what HE is going to do or say to embarrass me. Freedom. It is sweet!

Life is such a wonderful gift! Go out and live it!