MEENA

Hello all, I am new here, I googled and found this site. A brief run down, I am 50 years old, married to the most wonderful man, and up until 2 weeks ago thought I had a pretty solid family. I have 2 Daughters, and as it turns out my youngest (27) and her husband are crack users, and we had no idea until they got into a physical altercation, the police were called (he pulled a knife) crack and pipes were found - it was a night mare, as 2 children are now without their parents, Landen who will be 2 in august and Ella just 6/mo. We have now temporary protective custody of them, but are feeling overwhelmed , not so much with the little ones, but with all that has happened. How could we have not known, looking back I guess there were signs, they made pretty good wages, but were always broke, needing to borrow money to get through the week, but never noticed them acting weird or however I guess I would expect someone to act. How do we get through this?????? THANK YOU

Angelic17

Go to Naranon. That's what helped me when I realized that my son was using drugs. There is alot of help there, and alot of really good suggestions. Sorry about the situation. Addiction is a family disease, and hurts not only the drug user, but all of the family, and people who love them. Keep posting here. You will get alot of positive feed back, from many people who go through the same problems as you, and worse. Prayers for your entire family, and a healing for you your daughter and her husband. After all those 2 babies deserve good clean parents.

:ghug3

BBD

Hi Meena and welcome! You will get through this. My son was using cocaine for a few years before we found out. Fortunately he isn't married and has no children. It took 2 rehabs and a lot of misfortune before he started to clean up. Today he has been clean for 7 months and I am so thankful. It was a tough road but alanon, counciling with an addiction therapist and this site smartened me up......Your lil ones are lucky they have you so center on them right now, get to some meetings and wait to see what your adult kids are going to do. Its so sad but the best thing for you right now is to let them decide about themselves and you take care of yourself....big hugs and your going to like this place. Its really helpful. Smiles, Bonnie

MagdaTheGreat

All the crack I have ever smoked has been in a seedy hotel room with strangers. No one - friends or family - has any idea that I've ever even touched a drug. Keeping it a hidden is actually pretty easy because the people and places of drug abuse are so secret. You couldn't possibly have known.

ladyamalthea

Meena,

Welcome to SR; I hate the circumstances that brought you here, but I'm so glad you found us. I hope you'll take the time to read some of the stickies at the top of the forum, as there's a wealth of information there.

You already have great advice above me, but I want to reiterate just how wonderful nar-anon and/or al-anon can be. They are basically the same program; al-anon is technically designed for alcoholics, but nar-anon is the same program just with "addiction" in place of "alcohol" in all of the literature, so you can really pretty much go to either one or both interchangably. My sister is a heroin addict, and my local al-anon welcomed me with open arms.

You can get through this. Keep coming back and posting as you need to, and think about those meetings. We'll be cheering you on the whole way!

mooselips

Hi Meena,
I'm the mom of 2 addict sons, ages 32, and 36.
When I look back, (I try NOT to do that) I remember I felt "something" wasn't quite right, but couldn't put my finger on it.


What a surprise when I found out that ""something" was addiction!

IMO, the best way to help yourself and your hubby, is to attend meetings, so you have a solid support group, and live one day at a time. Try not to look forward...(hard to do when you have the little people)

Hopefully, you have others, like Aunts and Uncles, in the wings who can't wait to help you with the grand children.

Hugs and hugs.............

MEENA

Thank you all so much, I truly would love to go to meeting, it's so hard right now to find the time, my husband , older daughter and a few close friends are helping with the children, but WOW what a handful, keeping them happy and content, Landen (2 in August) is having a bit of a tuff time with seperation, he is very close to me and his PA-PA but not happy whenn anyone else comes around, he has always been a bit shy, but him being wisked away by DCF the day this all happened really upset him. I recommended this site to my daughter this is her response (thank you mom but there is a difference between a CRACKHEAD and someone who has used crack dont ever think that I am A CRACHEAD.. A crackhead is someone who would do the drug before feeding or buying diapers for there kids I thank god that I never got that bad ) but now looking back that statement is SO UNTRUE - they were constantly asking to borrow money the past few months, saying they had bills that needed to be paid, we sometimes wondered where their $$$ were going, but never even thought of the drugs - she has started going to NA a few times a week - but I just don't think she has admitted the truth to herself yet.

chicory

My heart hurts for you. you are all in my prayers.

mooselips

Hi MEENA,
I've never used drugs, but my thoughts are, that crack is a very difficult drug to just STOP. Well heck, that's most likely true for all drugs!

But, maybe, and I pray, this is your daughter and SIL's wakeup call.

Yes, crack costs alot of money.


My son would probably have 2 lambourgini's by now if he never used. LOL

MEENA

Well I do know now that they started using in NY a few years ago (my daughters dad introduced it to him - while I can't really blame him for their choice to try - I am angry he would do that) they moved here to Fla last August - Amanda was pregnant at the time so I expect she was clean or something would have shown when Ella was born, can't speak for SIL, looking back at time frames I am guessing sometime after last years holidays the use began again - thats when I recall the constant being BROKE phone calls. This is really so emotional, I know my focus must be on the children, yet Amanda is my daughter, case workers, child guardians, judges are telling me to be TUFF - DO NOTHING to ease their pain & suffering, it is their job and responsibility to make this right. In my head I invision things being NORMAL in no time - my heart says no - 4 years ago I was DX with breast cancer, bilat mastectomy and treatments - this is harder than any of that ever was.

outtolunch

My screen name says it all. Like you, I had absolutely no idea my daughter was an addict. Her drug was heroin.

My daughter has told me that she did not believe she could become addicted to any drug so fast, thus she never contemplated any consequences from her impulsive choices.

There is only one thing that separates me from any addict. I contemplate potential consequences before taking action. I do not run a fantasy that I am special and can somehow control it. I know that if I use something like crack, meth or an opiate based substance, I will become addicted and I have a profound appreciation for the consequences.

Anticipating consequences is mature cognition. Trying is a choice. No one forces anyone to try. Addicts own this as they do their own recovery.

Those children are very fortunate to have a grandma, like you.

Serenity Bound

Meena, Welcome. You have already been given good insight of what to do, 1. keep posting & reading the other posts. 2. get to meetings 3. let your daughter take care of her own recovery 4. put the focus on you & your grandkids.

Yep, I know exactly how hard it is. My daughter (31) is a recovering "crackhead" she has two beautiful daughters (age 2 & 7) Today is her 6 month anniversary. She found recovery after living on the streets this past winter.

I have found that the only thing I CAN do, is focus on me, I can't love her clean.

Remember the 3 C's

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

And there is a 4th C....
you can contribute to it.

in my own life, I have found that the 4th C meant enabling in any way. oh yeah, of course I gave $ for diapers, food, etc....of course I let her/them live in my home...of course I tried every single thing I could think of to change HER, with the help of this forum and Naranon, I have accepted that I can ONLY change ME.

Sending you hugs from one mom to another.
Chris

outtolunch

They are absolutely right. DOING NOTHING is likely going to be the hardest advice to follow.

MEENA

Oh thank you all so much, but I need to know doing NOTHING MEANS ABSOLUTELT NOTHING -RIGHT, sorry for being dumb. Like a for instance, she came for her visit with Ella was saying how they had not even toilet paper in the house and were running low on food, because they had to catch up on rent (from spending it all 2 weeks ago on crack) so I made this huge dish of pasta and sent her home with toilet paper - should I not do that - how do I go to sleep at night knowing my child is hungry. Also we have on ocassion the past few weeks given them rides down for their child visits, the vehicle they had was titled in our name , insured in our name, we did (well hubby did) removed the vehicle from their posession the second they were arrested. they live only 4 miles away - we should NOT PROVIDE TRANSPORTATION CORRECT? tHIS IS REALLY HARD

ladyamalthea

I understand how hard it must be to think about letting your child suffer. The thing we have to remember is that addicts are amazingly resourceful. If they get hungry enough, they will find food. By giving them that kind of support while they are active in their addiction, basically all they think is, "sweet. Now I can spend what was supposed to be food money on more drugs!" As long as they are comfortable while behaving the way they do, they have no reason to stop.

My parents lost their home, their credit rating, and most of their valuable possessions to their attempts to save my sister from herself. They got caught up in that trap of, "just one more light bill to pay" or "just one more month of paying her rent." At some point, you have to put yourself first.

keepinon

I think that choosing to live in active addiction means:you don't have a car, nice clothes,enough food,comfy living accomidations, etc. The kids are with you and are SAFE. Now is the perfect time to let your daughter and SIL feel the consequences of their addictions. Basically no one gets better as long as someone else is there to take all the consequences for them. EX. she knows you will give her food, money, even tiolet paper!When that stops, they are left to take the bus to see their kids, buy their own groceries (my AD has no problem going down to local food pantry).Addicts are ever so resourceful and will get what they deem to be thir needs met. If this is the lifestyle they want, let them live ALL of it . See how much fun it is when you truly have to be responsible for your actions. That's what all the social workers, etc. meant. I personally agree. Good luck with those babies..and I also suggest alanon..you will see people in exactly your position.

Serenity Bound

I agree with the others. Addicts are extremely resourceful. IMO, it's only when they become extremely uncomfortable with their life, that they will admit to themselves that they need to change. Same goes for us codies.....until we get sick & tired of being sick & tired of dealing with addiction, will WE work on our own recovery.

Take care of those grandkids and yourself. Be kind & gentle to yourself.

Hugs,
Chris

BBD

I can't tell you how much I agree with every word that has been spoken here. It took me way to long to stop the enabling and the drug use went on for a few years. Mom was right there to pay rent, stock up the cupboards, buy gas...etc! Ect! Do yourself a favor and nicely tell your daughter you will not be helping them.... to an early grave. I feel your pain. I spent many nights not sleeping, crying....and fretting that my son was going to die if I didn't help. After my counceling I was convienced by my therapist to get out of the way....and I did. Things are OK now and my son has been clean for almost a year. I'm still scared but have to keep myself on check all the time. No help from mom or dad anymore.....I know how you feel. I could go on and on here but I'll let you do some thinking......smiles, Bonnie

outtolunch

Enabling is our role in the ordeal. We are all quite capable of loving our children ( and likely ourselves) into early graves.

Going hungry, foregoing TP and walking 8 miles RT to visit their own offspring are consequences of addiction that should not be denied to any adult child.

If there are no consequences to addiction, why would anyone bother with recovery?

Without constant consequences, there is little chance that anything will trigger a burning desire to get and stay clean.

There is a poster here that seems to know when I need reminding that I am not my ( once again clean and sober) adult child's only option. I sincerely appreciate her counsel.

Angelic17

Dear Meena, I have been reading your thread since the beginning, and reading every single response. Not one person who has responded to your thread thinks that you should give food, toilet paper, and especially a car in your name, for them to go and get crack with. If they get caught by the police buying or doing crack with your vehicle, you will be responsible.

I am a mother of a son who has put me through the wringer with his addiction.
In the early stages of his addiction, I tried to do everything to help him. Paid his cell phone, paid for this, and that. Put him in treatment, He left. Put him back in treatment, he left again. I couldn't not help my son. I felt like I was abandoning him if I didn't help him out. He was 25 at the time. So, I started going to Naranon/Alanon. I didn't like what they had to tell me either. So, I kept trying to help fix my son. For as long as I did that. He did nothing to get well. He kept lying to me and using drugs.

I remember one counselor in a treatment center telling me, that I was going to Love my son right into his grave. And even then I felt that I would always help my boy. I couldn't walk away from my son when he was so in need. I just couldn't.

So, nothing changed. This went on and on for a few years. So many horrible events later, I finally said no more. I was worn out, and becoming physically and emotionally ill. My beautiful son was ruining his life, and killing me, and ruining my life along with his own. My marriage suffered, because I was obsessed with getting my son back to normal.
Little did I know, that it wasn't up to me. It was up to my son.

It wasn't until I finally stopped giving and doing for my son, that he started giving and doing for himself. An addict will let you do everything for them. All they care about is getting high. If you buy two adults toilet paper. They will use the money that they should be spending on toilet paper for crack. If you send Pasta, they will use food money for crack.

If they have no money for food or toilet paper, It's called GET A JOB. If they can't see their own children because they have no car, then they need to figure out how to get a car, so they can take care of their children. They are adults. Old enough to have kids, and a place to live. All of this is their responsibility. It's not yours. It's not your responsibility to be taking care of their babies. What a luxury that is for them.
And what a comfort for them knowing that their kids are with Grandma who loves them unconditionally. If they went to foster care, which is awful, what would they be doing as parents to get their kids back? Anything you do for them at this point is called enabling.

Just like me, you love your child very much. And you love her children, and you want to see that they all have what they need. But, it's not your responsibility. And if you take the responsibility as your own, they will never do a thing. Does your daughter care that your life is now wrapped up with taking care of two babies, and doing what her and her husband should be doing?

In Naranon, and on this site, I learned an expression, It says. LET GO, OR BE DRAGGED. It took me so long to learn that I could not fix or change anyone but myself. It also took me 27 years to realize that my son's life was his own, and not mine. That he was going to live it his way, not mine. I know this is very difficult, and in your case there are babies involved. But you have to step back. Only then will your daughter do the right things. GOD BLESS YOU and HELP YOU with this terrible crisis called ADDICTION. It's a horrible disease that affects the entire family.
My heart goes out to you.

LET GO, and let your daughter and her husband grow up.
I know what your going through, but nothing will change until you do.

:ghug3