soempty

I have little sleep and need to go to work in an hour. Last night would have been our anniversary, but because of his addiction, it is over. He still lives here, and it has been hell. He has no job or car, on unemployent for the last year but its cut in half cuz of child support for previous child. There is so much to tell, but basically I am just hurting so bad and feel so on the edge of losing it. I have so many questions but when I try to find the answers, all I find are more questions. For two and a half years he has admitted to being an addict and wanting to get help. I always find out that he claims to be clean, but is still using. He has manipulated me like you wouldnt believe, and even had me taking him to meetings, but was still using. The latest thing was his idea for us to go to counseling. After the first time, I found out that he was still calling and texting his contacts, but of course claimed to be clean. After the second appt. he said he wanted to change his phone number, but then blew up at me when I did it, and took my car and left for his friend's house for six hours. I know that I'm codependent and shouldnt be checking up on him, but I feel insane when I know that he is lying and he claims he isnt. Finding the answers is my way of feeling sane and proving to him that I know. I found out that he is talking to at least four girls and one is from another state. He claims that they are his friends/contacts girlfriends phones that the guys use. He of course would not call and have it verified. I know that if he had any questions of who I was talking to, I would not hesitate to call and tell them to tell him who they were. His trust in me means way more than embarresment. I feel empty, crushed, hopeless and unable to do this anymore. It has been too long, and I was at my breaking point when we went to counseling. I know from reading here that if he was truly in recovery he would be going to meetings, doing everything he can and be completely transparent. He still claims to be clean, but is still talking to his contacts. He says he's trying, but isnt going to meetings, and tells everyone that it's not that bad, it's just weed. He has used meth in the past before I knew him and I'm not so sure it's just weed, or even if he isnt dealing to support the habit. I know that if he was truly ready, he wouldnt be in denial. I'ts the same thing he has done for the last two and half years. Nothing has changed, and I feel it's gotten worse. He is supposed to be leaving this weekend to go stay with family in another state, and since I know that I cant do this anymore and he isnt ready, I should be happy. Not only am I not, and mourning the relationship, but he is being nasty to me on and off and making it absolutely miserable to live here. On top of that, he still says he wants to make it work , I'm not in a commited relationship, he's done nothing wrong, is clean, etc. and it just makes me feel insane and want to know the truth. so I check phone records, computer, and cant sleep when he is up all night going outside and on computer. Just stop the craziness, right? I wish I could. I wish I could have gotten some sleep. Not only do I have to mourn that we are not celebrating our anniversary, but it has been hell for me with his nastiness, saying he wants to work it out, and crazy behavior. we were engaged, but I put that on hold till we were healthier. we have two kids and he has one that is like my own. I really wish he could see that he is killing me. I know he cant and all I hear is how much he is suffering. he asks me why i'm crying and then when I tell him, he says I need to get some mental health help. I guess I need to also tell you that my ex husband that I was with for ten years and was a sex addict. while I was getting help for my codependency, he molested my son. I left him and went to counseling for a year before I dated and met my addict ex fiance. Guess I didnt go long enough. this is why I'm at my breaking point. Cant keep going through this. thought it was different, healthy,etc. Believed in him and us. thought he was so much better than that. He was clean and a drug counselor for teens. No longer does that now. was it all a lie just as my former relationship was? Was there a part of him that believed and felt those things he said he wanted for us, or was it all a manipulation? was I just a cover up. Was his family life just to cover that he was a drug addict?

Freedom1990

Soempty, welcome to SR. I am glad you have found us.

When I left my abusive, psychotic EXAH, I figured the biggest part of my problem was gone.

I was so wrong.

I repeated the same mistake, over and over, for 13 more years, only with different men.

I rationalized that each one was not like my EXAH.

At worst they were emotionally abusive, and at best they were emotionally unavailable.

It wasn't until I hit my codependent bottom in 1999, when my then fiance walked out on me that I made a firm commitment to myself to stay out of relationships and get to the bottom of why I kept making poor choices in relationships.


You said:
We always have a choice. Even not making a choice is a choice.

You are the only one who can decide when enough is enough for you.

He's not doing this to you...he's just doing what addicts do.

He's sat on his a$$ for a year now, not working. He lets his child support for another child come out of his unemployment.

He has no self-respect, no desire to embrace any sort of real recovery, and you are carrying the load by yourself.

You can take charge of your life, and start making things better for you and your children.

How about starting up counseling again? Alanon/Naranon are wonderful 12 step support groups where you will find support and understanding from people who have been where you are. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent starter book for codependents.

I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends. :ghug3

keepinon

What Freedom said.. I second everything!

hello-kitty

Welcome. Sorry that you are sad. It hurts but life's lessons are hard sometimes. Only we get to decide when we have had enough and when we are ready to let go of trying to control others and fix ourselves. Try to keep the focus on you and what you want for your future.

He's not killing you. You are killing yourself by staying. This is all about choices. Your choices. His actions tell you what his choices are. He is doing what he wants to do.

You have put a lot of effort into helping him and you haven't been very successful. Now it's time to help yourself and your children. You have a lot better chance of success if you do that.

mistermister

I agree with all responses. Hang in there and find a life on your own. One that doesn't involve someone dragging you down.

Ann

When we "know", we KNOW and our instinct speaks clearly. All the denial in the world doesn't change that and we don't need proof to decide we need to save our sanity.

Live meetings worked for me, they literally saved my life. Nar-anon, Al-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that help us find our balance again, and learn to live in a healthier way...whether we stay with the addict or leave.

Stick around, read the sticky threads at the top of this forum and know you are among friends here who understand.

Hugs

fourmaggie

I wish there was a NAR ANON by me, but there is not...I have al anon...so, I apply it the same...RECOVERY is ABOUT YOU...not him...go to a meeting...FEEL what your feeling and talk...you will get your answers...and more answers to ALL of those questions you are seeking for....

soempty

Thank you, everyone. I typed a long reply earlier, but it got deleted by my computer before I could post it. I was wishing for more empathy, but I know that you are all right, and I need to focus on myself and my own healing. I looked into online Naranon, and am very happy with it. Thanks to someone who sent me a pm.( I cant pm a thank you until I post more) I have already read Codependent No More, and realize that even though I had not had problems until the addiction showed through, I was still codependent (probably from growing up with alcoholic ,abusive dad) and this just shows me that I need to work on my codependency regardless of whether we are together or not. You are right about his actions showing that he is doing exactly what he wants to do. I never looked at it like that before, but it sure gave me clarity this week. He left for his family out of state on thur, and of course is telling me how much he misses me. It's very hard cuz I miss him too, but I miss how our relationship used to be, and it hasnt been like that in a long time. One minute at a time, I guess.

hello-kitty

Oh sweetie. I have so much empathy for your situation. I really do. Life is really hard sometimes. Especially when are wrapped up in someone elses addiction. But it's such a waste - there IS something better out there for you and your kids. Reaching out and grabbing hold of that truth is the next step to achieving your dreams.