I cannot live with myself anymore
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 143
I cannot live with myself anymore
No, I am not suicidal. That is not an option for me. I have 3 children and I would never do that to them. I just cannot stand being inside my own skin and have no idea what to do.
I have not had a drink in almost a week. This has been a struggle, but the drinking is not my main problem I am learning. The drinking is a symptom of my overall problem.
I began drining heavily about 5 years or so ago. I was going through a very rough patch in my marriage - we ended up splitting up - and I drank every night to not deal. I had drank heavily before this, but had always stopped and did it only sporadically.
About 2 years ago I was in a car accident. I had been drinking some that night, but was not above the legal limit. At the time of the accident which was my fault - failure to yield on a left hand turn, the person I hit seemed fine. I talked to her, called her daughter for her. She was coherent with no apparent injuries. She requested an ambulance after a bit because her arms felt "weird" and she wanted to get things checked out. I was given sobriety tests and brought to the station for an official breathalyzer. I blew an 0.04.. I was brought before the magistrate and let off with a ticket for failure to yield.
A week later I called my insurance company to see what was going on with the accident. When I spoke to the insurance rep. she asked me "You are aware that the other person passed away aren't you?" I had no idea. I think I went into a bit of shock.. I was bringing in groceries..became hysterical and was all alone. The next few months are a blur. I was told by my lawyer that it was most certainly going to not be an issue since I was below the limit, but that he would check with the DA. A few weeks later I found out that they were unsure if they would be proceeding on trying to get charge me for vehicular manslaughter - I did have alcohol in my system.
I ended up making an agreement with the family. I agreed to plead guilty to a reckless driving instead of the failure to yield, I served 2 weekends in jail and also took alcohol education classes and was put on a year of good behavior. I completed all of this. I also had contacted the family through my lawyer and conveyed my desire to speak with them to express my regret and sorrow for all of the pain and suffering I had caused. He never heard back from them.
It is now almost 2 years from the accident date and I can't stand myself. I feel such regret and guilt. I had been drinking that night. I do not know if the accident would not have happened had I not had alcohol in my system. Everyone tells me it was an "accident" and to move on from it. I can't. I don't feel that I deserve to. I continued to drink after the accident - it was the only time that I could forget about it - just numb myself.
I went to counseling - I know I need help. I may possibly face a lawsuit from this - which I understand them doing, and they of course have every right. But I have been advised that whatever I say in counseling can be subpoenaed..so I am too afraid to even go to counseling. I was also told that going to AA or anythingn like that would also be bad. I feel so lost and alone. Then I feel horribly guilty for feeling sorry for myself - I killed someone. I have quit drinking completely -very recently. I just don't know how to go about getting out of this hole I am in. I really have no family - parents, siblings, etc.. that I can go to.
I have not had a drink in almost a week. This has been a struggle, but the drinking is not my main problem I am learning. The drinking is a symptom of my overall problem.
I began drining heavily about 5 years or so ago. I was going through a very rough patch in my marriage - we ended up splitting up - and I drank every night to not deal. I had drank heavily before this, but had always stopped and did it only sporadically.
About 2 years ago I was in a car accident. I had been drinking some that night, but was not above the legal limit. At the time of the accident which was my fault - failure to yield on a left hand turn, the person I hit seemed fine. I talked to her, called her daughter for her. She was coherent with no apparent injuries. She requested an ambulance after a bit because her arms felt "weird" and she wanted to get things checked out. I was given sobriety tests and brought to the station for an official breathalyzer. I blew an 0.04.. I was brought before the magistrate and let off with a ticket for failure to yield.
A week later I called my insurance company to see what was going on with the accident. When I spoke to the insurance rep. she asked me "You are aware that the other person passed away aren't you?" I had no idea. I think I went into a bit of shock.. I was bringing in groceries..became hysterical and was all alone. The next few months are a blur. I was told by my lawyer that it was most certainly going to not be an issue since I was below the limit, but that he would check with the DA. A few weeks later I found out that they were unsure if they would be proceeding on trying to get charge me for vehicular manslaughter - I did have alcohol in my system.
I ended up making an agreement with the family. I agreed to plead guilty to a reckless driving instead of the failure to yield, I served 2 weekends in jail and also took alcohol education classes and was put on a year of good behavior. I completed all of this. I also had contacted the family through my lawyer and conveyed my desire to speak with them to express my regret and sorrow for all of the pain and suffering I had caused. He never heard back from them.
It is now almost 2 years from the accident date and I can't stand myself. I feel such regret and guilt. I had been drinking that night. I do not know if the accident would not have happened had I not had alcohol in my system. Everyone tells me it was an "accident" and to move on from it. I can't. I don't feel that I deserve to. I continued to drink after the accident - it was the only time that I could forget about it - just numb myself.
I went to counseling - I know I need help. I may possibly face a lawsuit from this - which I understand them doing, and they of course have every right. But I have been advised that whatever I say in counseling can be subpoenaed..so I am too afraid to even go to counseling. I was also told that going to AA or anythingn like that would also be bad. I feel so lost and alone. Then I feel horribly guilty for feeling sorry for myself - I killed someone. I have quit drinking completely -very recently. I just don't know how to go about getting out of this hole I am in. I really have no family - parents, siblings, etc.. that I can go to.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
If you havent had a drink
in a week then that is a
good start.
We drank to numb just like
you have been doing. Now
u are beginning to face life
without the crutch of a control-
ed substance in ur system.
In early recovery we have
many emotions and feelings
pouring out of us that we
forgot we ever had.
They are there and now with
a clean clear system along
with a recovery program,
support, you can learn to
deal life on lifes terms.
I learned that I never have
to go thru anything by myself.
I never have to figure out
anything alone.
You are scared which is a
natural normal feeling but
u have SR to share those
feelings with us as many will
throw out some healthy sugg-
estions to guide you thru
r situations.
If u want to go to AA, by
all means go. I didnt say
anything in early recovery
out loud in public, but i
sure had someone close
by i could trust to share
my thoughts, pains, confusions
with.
You can too.
If u go back to the drink, it
will only make matters worse.
Stay here as others will come
along shortly to share their
own experiences, strengths
and hopes of what it was like
before during and after drinking.
Sharing ur own story like u have
already up top will help someone
just coming in recovery and know
they r not alone. They will want to
know how uve stayed sober and
made it thru the situations u have
without a drink.
in a week then that is a
good start.
We drank to numb just like
you have been doing. Now
u are beginning to face life
without the crutch of a control-
ed substance in ur system.
In early recovery we have
many emotions and feelings
pouring out of us that we
forgot we ever had.
They are there and now with
a clean clear system along
with a recovery program,
support, you can learn to
deal life on lifes terms.
I learned that I never have
to go thru anything by myself.
I never have to figure out
anything alone.
You are scared which is a
natural normal feeling but
u have SR to share those
feelings with us as many will
throw out some healthy sugg-
estions to guide you thru
r situations.
If u want to go to AA, by
all means go. I didnt say
anything in early recovery
out loud in public, but i
sure had someone close
by i could trust to share
my thoughts, pains, confusions
with.
You can too.
If u go back to the drink, it
will only make matters worse.
Stay here as others will come
along shortly to share their
own experiences, strengths
and hopes of what it was like
before during and after drinking.
Sharing ur own story like u have
already up top will help someone
just coming in recovery and know
they r not alone. They will want to
know how uve stayed sober and
made it thru the situations u have
without a drink.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Hi sorrowful1
I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I can't begin to imagine how I would feel.
You say yourself you need help - you can't stay in this kind of suspended animation due to fear of having things subpoenaed....I think both counselling and some kind of recovery program are important things - vital necessary things - that you need to avail yourself of.
I'm glad you're with us. Welcome.
D
I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I can't begin to imagine how I would feel.
You say yourself you need help - you can't stay in this kind of suspended animation due to fear of having things subpoenaed....I think both counselling and some kind of recovery program are important things - vital necessary things - that you need to avail yourself of.
I'm glad you're with us. Welcome.
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,782
I'm curious as to who told it it would be 'bad' if you went to AA. Surely involving yourself in a program to stay sober would reflect well on you, not the opposite. I would also check again into what you say in counseling being admissible in court and/or used against you.
Please seek help in getting your mind more at ease with yourself. And please try not to torture yourself with questions of "what if??" We can never know what the outcome of a situation "might have been" so it's pointless to debate with yourself over what might have happened.
Try not to hate yourself. You are a human being, subject to making mistakes and bad judgements, but you still deserve to be loved, by yourself and others.
(((hugs)))
Please seek help in getting your mind more at ease with yourself. And please try not to torture yourself with questions of "what if??" We can never know what the outcome of a situation "might have been" so it's pointless to debate with yourself over what might have happened.
Try not to hate yourself. You are a human being, subject to making mistakes and bad judgements, but you still deserve to be loved, by yourself and others.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
If your attorney was the one suggesting AA is a bad idea, I'd seek a new attorney.
When I first went to rehab and was introduced to AA, I was so uncomfortable in my own skin, I wanted to run off screaming.
I completely understand the self-hatred and loathing.
My personal experience is that I am able to live in my own skin today thanks to AA, a loving God, and a whole big circle of friends in recovery.
When I first went to rehab and was introduced to AA, I was so uncomfortable in my own skin, I wanted to run off screaming.
I completely understand the self-hatred and loathing.
My personal experience is that I am able to live in my own skin today thanks to AA, a loving God, and a whole big circle of friends in recovery.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome sorrowful. I can just imagine myself feeling the way you are. This accident could have happened to me & many of us here. It seems likely that you weren't impaired enough to cause the accident, though. Carrying guilt and remorse with you the rest of your life will only destroy you, and will keep you from being the parent you want to be. (Are you sure the person passed away as a result of the accident?)
You've already come to the conclusion that the drinking had to stop, and that's great. I found out it's far better to face things head on and sober than to try and hide from them. Drinking only numbs us for a little while - all the problems are still there waiting for us to deal with them. When we're shaky and fuzzy from drinking nothing gets accomplished, no progress is made.
I don't know what to say about AA or a counselor. It seems very unfair that you should be denied those two things that could help you get on with your life. I hope others will have advice. Meanwhile, I'm glad you're here with us. Talking things out helps us not to not feel alone anymore.
You've already come to the conclusion that the drinking had to stop, and that's great. I found out it's far better to face things head on and sober than to try and hide from them. Drinking only numbs us for a little while - all the problems are still there waiting for us to deal with them. When we're shaky and fuzzy from drinking nothing gets accomplished, no progress is made.
I don't know what to say about AA or a counselor. It seems very unfair that you should be denied those two things that could help you get on with your life. I hope others will have advice. Meanwhile, I'm glad you're here with us. Talking things out helps us not to not feel alone anymore.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
AA is anonymous. You don't have to tell the court, your lawyer, the potential plaintiffs...
There is a spiritual solution in AA. But you must seek it and be willing. Prayers to you and eveyone involved in this tragedy
Keep posting.
There is a spiritual solution in AA. But you must seek it and be willing. Prayers to you and eveyone involved in this tragedy
Keep posting.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
Hi and Welcome,
I am so sorry that this has happened to you.
It really does show how our lives can turn in a split second and that driving after drinking ANY amount, can be life-changing.
I can only imagine how hard it is to deal with this and to know that there may be more yet to come. I agree that you should continue with the counselling if it will help you. I really hope that you can find some peace.
I am so sorry that this has happened to you.
It really does show how our lives can turn in a split second and that driving after drinking ANY amount, can be life-changing.
I can only imagine how hard it is to deal with this and to know that there may be more yet to come. I agree that you should continue with the counselling if it will help you. I really hope that you can find some peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: chico, ca
Posts: 321
One of the promises in the program of alcoholics annonomous is "that we will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace". It doesn't say "if" or "maybe". You can have that too if you can surrender yourself to this simple program. Like Mark said, it's a spiritual way of life. This tradgedy in your life will pass whether or not you drink again. The question is did you learn something from it? Stick around, and you will someday find someone your story relates to and you can draw from them how they got thru that. I'll pray you find that peace you're looking for. God Bless
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Dear sorrowful - You have a lot to bear and my heart goes out to you. If you stay sober, you'll get stronger and clearer and can address your emotions in a healthy way. I agree with Hevyn: the accident could have happened regardless of having consumed alcohol. You weren't impaired by it, according to your test. I know that I've had several near misses sober - it happens to the best of us. And you've done a lot to try to make amends.
I hope you can forgive yourself in time. I believe if you put sobriety first you'll be able to work through it.
:ghug3
I hope you can forgive yourself in time. I believe if you put sobriety first you'll be able to work through it.
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 143
Thank you to all who have posted. I was very scared to post this on here, but the responses have been very helpful. Yes, my lawyer and father advised me strongly to not go to counseling or to AA because it could show a pattern of problem drinking that would be negative for a civil case. I also have a very public job and would very likely lose it if this or the accident was to be known. I know that these concerns sound very selfish considering the situation and how many people's lives I have devestated, but I have 3 children and do not receive support from my ex. I cannot afford to lose my job. The statuate of limitations for a lawsuit runs out in the fall. I have been holding out til then hoping I could just get by and then be free to seek the help I need. Not working so well right now.
Someone posted that I was probably not effected enough from the alcohol for it to have been a cause of the accident.. I was brought to one police station after the accident and they were out of paper for the breathalyzer.. so I was brought to another. Time passed between all of this - the accident , going to the first police station and then going to the second. By the time I got to the second I blew "only" a .04. I did blow under at the scene of the accident, but just barely.
I AM going to go to an AA meeting on Thursday. I am also going to set up a counseling appt. I cannot keep living with this self-hatred and shame much longer. I also do not want to start drinking again.
Thank you again for all who have posted. I searched and searched on here for someone with a similar story, but found none. I appreciate everyone's support with such a horrible thing.
Someone posted that I was probably not effected enough from the alcohol for it to have been a cause of the accident.. I was brought to one police station after the accident and they were out of paper for the breathalyzer.. so I was brought to another. Time passed between all of this - the accident , going to the first police station and then going to the second. By the time I got to the second I blew "only" a .04. I did blow under at the scene of the accident, but just barely.
I AM going to go to an AA meeting on Thursday. I am also going to set up a counseling appt. I cannot keep living with this self-hatred and shame much longer. I also do not want to start drinking again.
Thank you again for all who have posted. I searched and searched on here for someone with a similar story, but found none. I appreciate everyone's support with such a horrible thing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 78
Sorrowful,
I can feel your pain just by reading your posts and I just want to wrap my arms around you and hold you. I hope you find the inner peace you need - and soon. Please stick around here and let us know how you're doing.
I can feel your pain just by reading your posts and I just want to wrap my arms around you and hold you. I hope you find the inner peace you need - and soon. Please stick around here and let us know how you're doing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 20
You are an idiot if you continue to hurt yourself over this. I have been thinking about this and I really believe this. It is unfortunately the price we all pay for driving cars, accidents happen, absolutely everyone has them, there is no way round it. It's horrible, but life can be horrible. There are a lot worse people than you walking round absolutely guilt free, you seriously need to forgive yourself. If I was hurt I would not want the person, whoever they are, to suffer if it was accident.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 76
I am an attorney that has handled many accidents involving impaired drivers and the resulting civil suits. I am of the firm opinion that those that are telling you not to go to a.a or other treatment options are wrong.
First, I can't imagine why they would have waited this long to file a civil suit. I don't know what state you are in, but generally the limitations period is 3 years on a general negligence claim such as this. That would mean that they have waited 2.5 years to file suit? Like I said, I can't imagine why. Liability from a legal standpoint seems certain, and since their was a death, proving damages wouldn't be a problem. Perhaps, you are mistaken, and the causal connection between your mistake (the failure to yeild, not the .04 BAC) simply isn't there. Trust me, in our litigious society today, someone waiting to sue over something like this for 2.5 years would be a glaring exception to rule.
Also. I can't imagine why you would loose your job over this. Your negligence, while certainly present and according to you caused the accident, obviously didn't rise to the level of recklessness. And it obviously didn't rise to the level of negligence required to charge you with vehicular manslaughter in your state. You made a mistake by making the turn. People do that everyday. It is certainly sad that someone may have died as a result, but it certainly does not make you a criminal. The legislature of your state, i.e the representatives of the people, have not seen fit to make your mistake criminal.
Another thing that you need to know is that if a civil trial does commence, then you more than likely will not be at risk of loosing any personal assets. I can say from having a lot of experience from both the Plaintiffs and Defense side of these types of things that rarely does a Plaintiff's attorney seek damages in excess of the policy limits of the Defendant's insurance. The exception here would be if you have substantial assets that are executable. Even if you do, generally they are so hard to collect that most lawyers will just take the insurance proceeds and move on.
Hope that helped a little with the practical side of things. I know it probably didn't do much to help with the emotional and psychological difficulties you are having. I think you need to try as hard as you can to cut yourself a break and move on. Put yourself in there shoes. If it were you, would you want the other person to suffer the rest of their lives for an honest mistake that caused an unfortunate accident? I wouldn't. In any event, good luck to you.
First, I can't imagine why they would have waited this long to file a civil suit. I don't know what state you are in, but generally the limitations period is 3 years on a general negligence claim such as this. That would mean that they have waited 2.5 years to file suit? Like I said, I can't imagine why. Liability from a legal standpoint seems certain, and since their was a death, proving damages wouldn't be a problem. Perhaps, you are mistaken, and the causal connection between your mistake (the failure to yeild, not the .04 BAC) simply isn't there. Trust me, in our litigious society today, someone waiting to sue over something like this for 2.5 years would be a glaring exception to rule.
Also. I can't imagine why you would loose your job over this. Your negligence, while certainly present and according to you caused the accident, obviously didn't rise to the level of recklessness. And it obviously didn't rise to the level of negligence required to charge you with vehicular manslaughter in your state. You made a mistake by making the turn. People do that everyday. It is certainly sad that someone may have died as a result, but it certainly does not make you a criminal. The legislature of your state, i.e the representatives of the people, have not seen fit to make your mistake criminal.
Another thing that you need to know is that if a civil trial does commence, then you more than likely will not be at risk of loosing any personal assets. I can say from having a lot of experience from both the Plaintiffs and Defense side of these types of things that rarely does a Plaintiff's attorney seek damages in excess of the policy limits of the Defendant's insurance. The exception here would be if you have substantial assets that are executable. Even if you do, generally they are so hard to collect that most lawyers will just take the insurance proceeds and move on.
Hope that helped a little with the practical side of things. I know it probably didn't do much to help with the emotional and psychological difficulties you are having. I think you need to try as hard as you can to cut yourself a break and move on. Put yourself in there shoes. If it were you, would you want the other person to suffer the rest of their lives for an honest mistake that caused an unfortunate accident? I wouldn't. In any event, good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: London
Posts: 266
Sorrowful,
Your alcohol level seem to suggest that alcohol was probably not the main factor in this accident. At least not more than if you would have been distracted by someone speaking to you, or by the sun, or whatever. It is your fault and you feel particularly guilty because apparently you have a drinking problem.
If you feel like trying AA, I would try AA. Why would anybody know that you are attending AA meetings. And if you feel like it, or if you want to do it, I would also go to counselling and would probably focus on the 'guilt' you feel and other issues more than in your recovery from drinking. My very personal/subjective/not expert opinion is that you are treating your whole situation: single mother/stressful important job with a public profile/the guilt from an accident where someone died/drinking as part of your drinking issue, but it does not seem to me that all these things are consequences of drinking at all.
In any case, you probably need someone to work it out. You have more than enough in your plate with 3 kids - YOu need someone helping. I do not know whether you know someone you can trust or not. Finding counselling that you are confortable with is very difficult. But I would not only thing of someone specialised in addictions.
You seem to be on the precipice of a breakdown, but you are also able to communicate in very few paragraphs so many things. You are very articulate and I am sure this reflects a mind able to get over this.
Your alcohol level seem to suggest that alcohol was probably not the main factor in this accident. At least not more than if you would have been distracted by someone speaking to you, or by the sun, or whatever. It is your fault and you feel particularly guilty because apparently you have a drinking problem.
If you feel like trying AA, I would try AA. Why would anybody know that you are attending AA meetings. And if you feel like it, or if you want to do it, I would also go to counselling and would probably focus on the 'guilt' you feel and other issues more than in your recovery from drinking. My very personal/subjective/not expert opinion is that you are treating your whole situation: single mother/stressful important job with a public profile/the guilt from an accident where someone died/drinking as part of your drinking issue, but it does not seem to me that all these things are consequences of drinking at all.
In any case, you probably need someone to work it out. You have more than enough in your plate with 3 kids - YOu need someone helping. I do not know whether you know someone you can trust or not. Finding counselling that you are confortable with is very difficult. But I would not only thing of someone specialised in addictions.
You seem to be on the precipice of a breakdown, but you are also able to communicate in very few paragraphs so many things. You are very articulate and I am sure this reflects a mind able to get over this.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
I'm very sorry about this experience. I'm awaiting trial for my 2nd dui, but I was driving in a black out and deserved to be caught. I hit someone too. They are not seriously hurt, but they claimed bodily injuries and they are suing my insurance company. It's totally my fault and it just eats me up inside. I hope they are ok...
I'm now sober almost 6 months and on step 8 in AA. I think I've found a solution to my alcoholism.
We can get sober no matter what. You can be living proof of that.
I'm now sober almost 6 months and on step 8 in AA. I think I've found a solution to my alcoholism.
We can get sober no matter what. You can be living proof of that.
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