I cannot live with myself anymore
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 143
Hello,
It's me- I am actually sorrowful1. I tried to post "in secret" because of my shame and fear, but Dee found me out.
I decided to come clean about this because I needed to thank EVERYONE who has posted here for all of their kind words and support. It has been such a relief to tell my story. This has been something that I have hidden from my kids, my work, everyone in my life except for a very few people - and the hiding of it all is very hard.
Some moments I realize that I am probably being too hard on myself and then the next it hits me again that I killed someone. I do not have a sense of closure with the accident itself. In court when I did my agreement, there was no "cause of death" stated. This did not sit well with the judge and the DA and my lawyer convened and agreed that no cause would be stated. It was very confusing to me and I still do not the cause. The woman apparently died 4 days after the accident, she had been released from the hospital but then had to be brought back in and died. She had a wheelchair in her car as well as what looked like oxygen tanks..I think she had health issues in general before the accident. I do not know if maybe the hospital made an error, I have no idea. What I do know though, is that she would never have been in the hospital if it had not been for the accident that I caused.
I was scared to post on here as super71 - I am so afraid that I will relapse and then people will think - even after THIS you couldn't stop drinking?? I feel horrible for continuing to drink for almost 2 years following this accident. I have always had a huge problem with guilt and this has been killing me.
I went to a psychiatrist a few weeks ago to try to seek some medication for I am sure is depression. She did an intake on me and said, "You aren't depressed, you have PTSD." I was pretty honest with her about my alcohol intake as well. She refused to write me a prescription for any medication. I almost begged her - "I need SOMETHING" and she said "You're problem is that you think you need something." She told me I was an alcoholic and to go to a out patient rehab program in the area - she told me that alcohol is a depressant and only making my anxiety and all the other negative feelings worse. I left there, came home, and had a bottle of wine.
Since then, though, I have not been able to feel any sense of peace while drinking. I knew I had a major drinking problem, but she was so definite about it and it really hit home. I continued to drink my regular amount (1 to 2 bottles of wine a night) but slowed up a bit and then a week ago found SR. I haven't had a drink in a week today. I plan to go to AA tomorrow and go see my regular Dr. on Monday to ask about antidepressants because I really think I am depressed as well as this PTSD. I have a hard time believing the PTSD diagnosis from looking up the symptoms, but hearing others mention it on this thread has made me think there might be something to it. I also plan to seek counseling again. That will be my next thing on my list..we shall see. I know I need it.
This is long, and I am sorry about that- but I just wanted to thank everyone for all of their words and support. You have no idea how much it means.
It's me- I am actually sorrowful1. I tried to post "in secret" because of my shame and fear, but Dee found me out.
I decided to come clean about this because I needed to thank EVERYONE who has posted here for all of their kind words and support. It has been such a relief to tell my story. This has been something that I have hidden from my kids, my work, everyone in my life except for a very few people - and the hiding of it all is very hard. Some moments I realize that I am probably being too hard on myself and then the next it hits me again that I killed someone. I do not have a sense of closure with the accident itself. In court when I did my agreement, there was no "cause of death" stated. This did not sit well with the judge and the DA and my lawyer convened and agreed that no cause would be stated. It was very confusing to me and I still do not the cause. The woman apparently died 4 days after the accident, she had been released from the hospital but then had to be brought back in and died. She had a wheelchair in her car as well as what looked like oxygen tanks..I think she had health issues in general before the accident. I do not know if maybe the hospital made an error, I have no idea. What I do know though, is that she would never have been in the hospital if it had not been for the accident that I caused.
I was scared to post on here as super71 - I am so afraid that I will relapse and then people will think - even after THIS you couldn't stop drinking?? I feel horrible for continuing to drink for almost 2 years following this accident. I have always had a huge problem with guilt and this has been killing me.
I went to a psychiatrist a few weeks ago to try to seek some medication for I am sure is depression. She did an intake on me and said, "You aren't depressed, you have PTSD." I was pretty honest with her about my alcohol intake as well. She refused to write me a prescription for any medication. I almost begged her - "I need SOMETHING" and she said "You're problem is that you think you need something." She told me I was an alcoholic and to go to a out patient rehab program in the area - she told me that alcohol is a depressant and only making my anxiety and all the other negative feelings worse. I left there, came home, and had a bottle of wine.
Since then, though, I have not been able to feel any sense of peace while drinking. I knew I had a major drinking problem, but she was so definite about it and it really hit home. I continued to drink my regular amount (1 to 2 bottles of wine a night) but slowed up a bit and then a week ago found SR. I haven't had a drink in a week today. I plan to go to AA tomorrow and go see my regular Dr. on Monday to ask about antidepressants because I really think I am depressed as well as this PTSD. I have a hard time believing the PTSD diagnosis from looking up the symptoms, but hearing others mention it on this thread has made me think there might be something to it. I also plan to seek counseling again. That will be my next thing on my list..we shall see. I know I need it.
This is long, and I am sorry about that- but I just wanted to thank everyone for all of their words and support. You have no idea how much it means.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi super - I just want to say how "super" I think you are! Your post touched my heart and I feel so bad that you thought you had to hide your identity from US, of all people! 
I'm so pleased to hear that you are getting the help you need. Keep going forward like you are, asking until you get all the answers and it feels right to you. You don't deserve to spend anymore time suffering from the shame/guilt you've been feeling over the accident. It sounds like no one even knows what role the accident played in her death.
You have two things to recover from, but you can do it and we're behind you all the way!
I'm so pleased to hear that you are getting the help you need. Keep going forward like you are, asking until you get all the answers and it feels right to you. You don't deserve to spend anymore time suffering from the shame/guilt you've been feeling over the accident. It sounds like no one even knows what role the accident played in her death.
You have two things to recover from, but you can do it and we're behind you all the way!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
I'm glad you decided to come clean
I think you're doing the right thing - facing this and being honest.
What happened was dreadful, but we are a good bunch of people here - you'll find straight talking, but you'll find support, compassion and understanding with it too
D
I think you're doing the right thing - facing this and being honest.
What happened was dreadful, but we are a good bunch of people here - you'll find straight talking, but you'll find support, compassion and understanding with it too
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 78
Thank you for being honest. I thought the writing style in the original post was very similar to yours but then I questioned myself. It was very brave of you to come 'clean' to everyone.
Congrats on hitting a week. You are for sure going to AA tomorrow?
I wish I could give you a hug.
Congrats on hitting a week. You are for sure going to AA tomorrow?
I wish I could give you a hug.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I think that being honest will help you to heal and move on with your life.
And, I also think that you're to get an opinion from your family dr about the anti-depressants. It could be that your psychiatrist is right about the PTSD, but it doesn't hurt to pursue the matter, if you think it might help.
And, I also think that you're to get an opinion from your family dr about the anti-depressants. It could be that your psychiatrist is right about the PTSD, but it doesn't hurt to pursue the matter, if you think it might help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 143
Artsoul - Thank you for your kind and encouraging words, posts like yours help me to have hope that one day I will feel some of this being lifted from me and have a sense of happiness again.
Dee - Thank you.
Eleanor - I plan to go to a meeting...I know I should go to the meeting tomorrow..I am scared though and since I am doing this honesty thing, I am not POSITIVE I am going to go to the meeting. I have one selected and I have the address. I wish you could give me a hug too. Your posts are always so thoughtful and kind - thank you.
Dee - Thank you.
Eleanor - I plan to go to a meeting...I know I should go to the meeting tomorrow..I am scared though and since I am doing this honesty thing, I am not POSITIVE I am going to go to the meeting. I have one selected and I have the address. I wish you could give me a hug too.
Your posts are always so thoughtful and kind - thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Edmonton, Alberta.
Posts: 398
Hi Super,
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Please try to forgive yourself for your mistake - clearly you've suffered quite enough. For what it is worth, it doesn't sound to me as though alcohol was a contributing factor: accidents also happen to sober people and you were not above the legal limit.
Congratulations on sober week 1. I'm only a few weeks in and although it isn't easy, my mind is starting to calm down and see things in a truer perspective. Drinking made it impossible for me to find solutions or even think positively.
Judging by all the comments, you are most definitely not alone!
My thoughts are with you
SM
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Please try to forgive yourself for your mistake - clearly you've suffered quite enough. For what it is worth, it doesn't sound to me as though alcohol was a contributing factor: accidents also happen to sober people and you were not above the legal limit.
Congratulations on sober week 1. I'm only a few weeks in and although it isn't easy, my mind is starting to calm down and see things in a truer perspective. Drinking made it impossible for me to find solutions or even think positively.
Judging by all the comments, you are most definitely not alone!
My thoughts are with you
SM
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 401
Thank you for sharing. I don't blame anyone for my drinking but myself. However, when I found myself in trouble with the law/court dates, etc. back in 2002 my drinking escalated greatly to combat anxiety and uncertainty.
There should be a support group for people who are facing legal charges as well as the process itself is unnerving and a certain kind of hell.
You'll be in my prayers tonight and congrats on your stretch of sobriety
There should be a support group for people who are facing legal charges as well as the process itself is unnerving and a certain kind of hell.
You'll be in my prayers tonight and congrats on your stretch of sobriety
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,774
You have no idea how much it means.
I wish you well in getting well and finding some peace of mind.
I haven't had a drink in a week today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 143
I'm only a few weeks in and although it isn't easy, my mind is starting to calm down and see things in a truer perspective. Drinking made it impossible for me to find solutions or even think positively.
Sobermax- what you wrote there is what I am hoping for, I know I was finding NO solutions while drinking and definately no positive thinking was going on. I am absolutely hating not drinking in many ways (the relief of oblivion, numbness), but I never had a sense of HOPE while drinking..I get little glimpses of hope each day since I have stopped. I have also accomplished much more in the days I have not drank than I would have in a month of drinking, setting up and going to Drs. appts, dentist appts, sending out letters, tackling things on my "to do" list. It feels good.
Mercurialme - Yes, I can relate to your post very much. My drinking increased in proportion to my thinking/worrying about my accident. The more I thought about it the more I drank. Trying to balance it out and not feel ANYTHING. This sobriety thing is HARD, but I'm hoping for positive returns.
Least - The posts on these boards - to me and just others that I read are so helpful - I feel so lucky to have found this place. I don't even remember how I stumbled upon it, but I am glad. Thanks for your support.
Sobermax- what you wrote there is what I am hoping for, I know I was finding NO solutions while drinking and definately no positive thinking was going on. I am absolutely hating not drinking in many ways (the relief of oblivion, numbness), but I never had a sense of HOPE while drinking..I get little glimpses of hope each day since I have stopped. I have also accomplished much more in the days I have not drank than I would have in a month of drinking, setting up and going to Drs. appts, dentist appts, sending out letters, tackling things on my "to do" list. It feels good.
Mercurialme - Yes, I can relate to your post very much. My drinking increased in proportion to my thinking/worrying about my accident. The more I thought about it the more I drank. Trying to balance it out and not feel ANYTHING. This sobriety thing is HARD, but I'm hoping for positive returns.
Least - The posts on these boards - to me and just others that I read are so helpful - I feel so lucky to have found this place. I don't even remember how I stumbled upon it, but I am glad. Thanks for your support.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: London
Posts: 266
Super... you gave me the scare of my life!!!! I have not had blackouts drinking. Today I started checking this thread and was getting panicky about remembering clearly this was from 'sorrowful' and then checked my own post addressed to 'sorrowful' and thought ****! I am having sober balckouts now!
Listen, whatever happens in this story a good lawyer should never EVER allow alcohol be mentioned at all, because you were under the legal limit. If it happens that you have an alcohol issue, or that you have a problem with compulsive shopping of bananas is IRRELEVANT and should never ever be accepted by any court as a matter of discussion. If your lawyer does not see this, you MUST change lawyer in case you can. There is clear evidence that you were not intoxicated legally speaking and everything else belongs to the realm of your private life since it is not relevant to the case.
It is relevant that it is not clear what the cause of death is, but this is part of your lawyer's work. I cannot really understand the psychiatrist attitude either. So she thinks you have Post traumatic stress syndrome but can do nothing but send you to alcohol rehab. I know this is not going to help you and may add stress to your situation, but honestly she does not look like the best professional either. I wish I had more knowledge about this and good experts in your area (wherever you live) but I would try to find a therapist specialised in this kind of problem at least to get some kind of dyagnosis. Use AA, or SR or whatever for the alcohol too.
Listen, whatever happens in this story a good lawyer should never EVER allow alcohol be mentioned at all, because you were under the legal limit. If it happens that you have an alcohol issue, or that you have a problem with compulsive shopping of bananas is IRRELEVANT and should never ever be accepted by any court as a matter of discussion. If your lawyer does not see this, you MUST change lawyer in case you can. There is clear evidence that you were not intoxicated legally speaking and everything else belongs to the realm of your private life since it is not relevant to the case.
It is relevant that it is not clear what the cause of death is, but this is part of your lawyer's work. I cannot really understand the psychiatrist attitude either. So she thinks you have Post traumatic stress syndrome but can do nothing but send you to alcohol rehab. I know this is not going to help you and may add stress to your situation, but honestly she does not look like the best professional either. I wish I had more knowledge about this and good experts in your area (wherever you live) but I would try to find a therapist specialised in this kind of problem at least to get some kind of dyagnosis. Use AA, or SR or whatever for the alcohol too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 143
Wilde -
Thank you for your response. I don't understand all of the ins and outs of the laws surrounding this, but apparently they are allowed to bring in the alcohol component even though I was legally under the limit. I have looked up many of these cases on line during the time I thought I would be indicted, it is rare, but some people have been convicted of vehicular manslaughter with impaired driving (or something like that) even when they were under the legal limit. I think it would have been a long shot, but if it goes before a jury you never know - and it would have been a felony. That's why I took the deal -plus the stipulations of the deal were things the family wanted and that was important to me.
I agree about the psychiatrist. I was very disappointed with the outcome of our meeting. I have an appt with my regular Dr. Monday and am certain he will help me find something to work with my depression/anxiety at the moment.
Sorry for giving you a scare! I know it must have been confusing.
Thank you for your response. I don't understand all of the ins and outs of the laws surrounding this, but apparently they are allowed to bring in the alcohol component even though I was legally under the limit. I have looked up many of these cases on line during the time I thought I would be indicted, it is rare, but some people have been convicted of vehicular manslaughter with impaired driving (or something like that) even when they were under the legal limit. I think it would have been a long shot, but if it goes before a jury you never know - and it would have been a felony. That's why I took the deal -plus the stipulations of the deal were things the family wanted and that was important to me.
I agree about the psychiatrist. I was very disappointed with the outcome of our meeting. I have an appt with my regular Dr. Monday and am certain he will help me find something to work with my depression/anxiety at the moment.
Sorry for giving you a scare! I know it must have been confusing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: London
Posts: 266
Sorry Super71... I guess this is what happens when people (I) decide to speak about thinks they have no idea about... I was convinced -instinctively that alcohol could not be relevant in your case. Sounds so unfair anyway.
I wish you all the luck and stay confident!
I wish you all the luck and stay confident!
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