Isolation
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 91
Isolation
When with your A-partner, did you feel isolated?
I had dinner with a friend last night, which pre-breakup was a rare occurrence. She said that had always felt (on the outside, looking in to my relationship) that XABF kept me from doing things - on my own, or with friends. Just the fact that I was able to stop and have dinner with her after work on a Friday night, was telling, to her.
I fully admit that I lost myself in the relationship, and lost all the things that made me ME and made me happy... from friends, to hobbies, to exercise. But I let that happen. Why, I'm still trying to figure it out (maybe this is where co-dependence comes in?).
XABF never told me, or even suggested that I couldn't do "my" things, or anything like that. But it was little comments over time, that added up, and made me feel guilty. I'd have a charity meeting on a Tuesday night, and he'd say, "Okay, hurry home!" Or if I was working out in our workout room, he'd come in, "Just to chat, to see how much longer it would be, so he could know when to start dinner."
XABF isn't the most social person in the world, and really is a homebody. Deep down, I felt guilty for doing my things and leaving him alone on the couch. So I gave up my stuff, to sit with him on the couch.
But really, I was fine with that... at least, on the surface.
Anyone else experience something like this?
I had dinner with a friend last night, which pre-breakup was a rare occurrence. She said that had always felt (on the outside, looking in to my relationship) that XABF kept me from doing things - on my own, or with friends. Just the fact that I was able to stop and have dinner with her after work on a Friday night, was telling, to her.
I fully admit that I lost myself in the relationship, and lost all the things that made me ME and made me happy... from friends, to hobbies, to exercise. But I let that happen. Why, I'm still trying to figure it out (maybe this is where co-dependence comes in?).
XABF never told me, or even suggested that I couldn't do "my" things, or anything like that. But it was little comments over time, that added up, and made me feel guilty. I'd have a charity meeting on a Tuesday night, and he'd say, "Okay, hurry home!" Or if I was working out in our workout room, he'd come in, "Just to chat, to see how much longer it would be, so he could know when to start dinner."
XABF isn't the most social person in the world, and really is a homebody. Deep down, I felt guilty for doing my things and leaving him alone on the couch. So I gave up my stuff, to sit with him on the couch.
But really, I was fine with that... at least, on the surface.
Anyone else experience something like this?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yes. Alcoholism often means isolationism. My Dad is completely isolated. The only place he goes is to the liquor store to buy beer and cigarettes. He has no friends. He is not involved with family, not even is grandkids. If my Mother were not so intent on NOT being isolated, constantly keeping herself busy, going places, she would be the same.
In fact, he did his best to keep her isolated when we were kids. She did not get her driver's license until she was 45 and my brother's GF took Mom with her when she was 16to get their driver's licenses together. He wanted her home. He kept her from her family. We grew up AFRAID, scared to death something would happen to her if she went anywhere! Now I understand that the alcoholism created and strengthened that fear. Yes. It's horrible, makes me sick to think about it. We ALL need other people in our lives.
In fact, he did his best to keep her isolated when we were kids. She did not get her driver's license until she was 45 and my brother's GF took Mom with her when she was 16to get their driver's licenses together. He wanted her home. He kept her from her family. We grew up AFRAID, scared to death something would happen to her if she went anywhere! Now I understand that the alcoholism created and strengthened that fear. Yes. It's horrible, makes me sick to think about it. We ALL need other people in our lives.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Little Rock, Arkansas
Posts: 161
All the time ginger.
I guess the saying is true, "Misery loves company".
When you are with someone who is in the throws of addiciton, your thinking and habits mirror theirs, at least that is what happened to me. My need to make sure that she was safe, and my need to be with her, outweighed the consequences of hurting my family friends or others that cared about me.
It is no different in their addiciton, where alcohol is the most important. My addiciton was her.
I guess the saying is true, "Misery loves company".
When you are with someone who is in the throws of addiciton, your thinking and habits mirror theirs, at least that is what happened to me. My need to make sure that she was safe, and my need to be with her, outweighed the consequences of hurting my family friends or others that cared about me.
It is no different in their addiciton, where alcohol is the most important. My addiciton was her.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
M Scott Peck had some interesting things to say about this in The Road Less Travelled. I don't have my copy to hand or I would stick them up here. I seem to remember it was about the falling in love stage being one of collapsing boundaries that, over time, became re-established in healthy love. In unhealthy love, they remain collapsed. Which begets enmeshment and hence isolation. And when it is one sided, it is particularly unhealthy and, in fact, abusive.
Yes, I became unbelievably isolated. And it was subtle, as you describe. What was thoughtful became cloying. What was attentive became suffocating. And what was romantic became isolating.
I shudder now when I think back. And it has effected me hugely. I had always liked my own space, but now I HAVE to have it. It is an enormous stressor for me not to have time for me and not to have the ability to do my own thing at some time after a period of days with one person or a group.
Yes, I became unbelievably isolated. And it was subtle, as you describe. What was thoughtful became cloying. What was attentive became suffocating. And what was romantic became isolating.
I shudder now when I think back. And it has effected me hugely. I had always liked my own space, but now I HAVE to have it. It is an enormous stressor for me not to have time for me and not to have the ability to do my own thing at some time after a period of days with one person or a group.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 137
There is a golden road ahead. The solution ends the pain. I had to battle the demons of autism and alcoholism and was isolated when I drank. For me, it was being alone with the bottle in misery.
It was why I never why I go back to drinking. I have to put myself into a lot of incidents where there was alcohol and drugs but I had people. Being around people despite how much drugs or alcohol was better than be alone in drinking.
He needs to reach the point where the isolation is far more painful and the isolation cannot be treated by alcohol. It is in the moments that he need to have the courage and ask for help. Somebody will grab him abyss and save his life from life dying alcoholic death.
It was why I never why I go back to drinking. I have to put myself into a lot of incidents where there was alcohol and drugs but I had people. Being around people despite how much drugs or alcohol was better than be alone in drinking.
He needs to reach the point where the isolation is far more painful and the isolation cannot be treated by alcohol. It is in the moments that he need to have the courage and ask for help. Somebody will grab him abyss and save his life from life dying alcoholic death.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Little Rock, Arkansas
Posts: 161
Originally Posted by gingercharlie 
I don't think I phrased my question right.
I'm thinking about isolation from the non-drinker's perspective...
I'm thinking about isolation from the non-drinker's perspective...
It's like we feel isolated, because they do too.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
GC, I read this and your other active post about relationships with interest... I can identify.
On the one hand, we are best friends. We have a lot in common. We talk and talk and talk. We are "opposites attracting."
On the other hand, I also identify with how much I just handed over for this relationship. I honestly don't have any of my own friends anymore. Any friends I have were made through him, and most of them are bar flies. In spite of the fact that I was a very devout Catholic, when I married, I had the ceremony in his church, because his family didn't like Catholics. I hear other couples talking how one will go on a vacation without the other, or go to a movie the other one doesn't care to see, and I honestly can't fathom doing that. The worst is, I really abandoned my mother because he didn't like her (she pegged him from the start and he felt uncomfortable with that). Now he says his being judgmental of her is his deepest regret, my deepest regret is that I wasn't the daughter I should have been to her. She would call collect, and he would yell about the charges, even though he would spend thousands drinking. Every time I had her over he would keep his distance and be just barely civil to her. And as they say, silence is consent, and my silence makes me responsible for my inaction. Her last birthday (I didn't know it would be her last), I wanted to go visit her and give her a party, but AH insisted we go skiing that weekend. So we did. I called her up, and some of her church friends were giving her a party. I wasn't there, and I felt terrible. She never had another birthday.
I've just been rambling and I apologize, but I do see that I MUST reclaim my life--at the age of 58. Hopefully it's never too late.
On the one hand, we are best friends. We have a lot in common. We talk and talk and talk. We are "opposites attracting."
On the other hand, I also identify with how much I just handed over for this relationship. I honestly don't have any of my own friends anymore. Any friends I have were made through him, and most of them are bar flies. In spite of the fact that I was a very devout Catholic, when I married, I had the ceremony in his church, because his family didn't like Catholics. I hear other couples talking how one will go on a vacation without the other, or go to a movie the other one doesn't care to see, and I honestly can't fathom doing that. The worst is, I really abandoned my mother because he didn't like her (she pegged him from the start and he felt uncomfortable with that). Now he says his being judgmental of her is his deepest regret, my deepest regret is that I wasn't the daughter I should have been to her. She would call collect, and he would yell about the charges, even though he would spend thousands drinking. Every time I had her over he would keep his distance and be just barely civil to her. And as they say, silence is consent, and my silence makes me responsible for my inaction. Her last birthday (I didn't know it would be her last), I wanted to go visit her and give her a party, but AH insisted we go skiing that weekend. So we did. I called her up, and some of her church friends were giving her a party. I wasn't there, and I felt terrible. She never had another birthday.
I've just been rambling and I apologize, but I do see that I MUST reclaim my life--at the age of 58. Hopefully it's never too late.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Yes I was isolated. Not in the early years of our relationship. We each had a lot of friends. Our own and some together. We partied together. Quite social. We took trips and vacations together, did tons of fun things together.
Then we had children. He watched them a lot while I worked but if I didn't work, I had children. As a non-addiction related matter I had so much guilt from working that I never hired a babysitter. I have never in my life hired a babysitter for a social function and my oldest son is 11yo. So some of it is myself and things I need to put into perspective outside of my partners alcoholism.
However, as we grew older, and I matured, my xah did not. At some point most people outgrow the desire to rev it up at the bars or drink way to much. My xah never did - and when he did he took up friends and activites that were guy focused and exlusive to me, but I had the kids anyway.
As more time passed he bacame less social and more isolated himself. We have *never* done things together with other couples, which I have greatly missed and longed to do over the years. Once we moved passed our single drinking party friends we never moved on to normal couple activites. He had no interest, even when I'd suggest activities where drinking was permitted. He continued to have a few friends and the were all childless and most were single (or as he got older they had grown children). Then a point was reached where I didn't want to socialize with him anyway because he'd over drink, or be a bit socially 'off', or get agitated/anxious if he didn't drink enough.
We took seperate vacations. His time off was not well spent with a wife and four kids doing family things - he'd rather take golfing or hunting trips with his 'friends' and brother - and of course lots of alcohol was always involved. Last August we took our first week long family vacation together in a number of years. He drank from morning until night every day. It marked THE END, finally, after so many years.
So yeah. I was isolated. Part of this long post is to illustrate that alcoholism is progressive. You can't ever say my alcoholic will not be this way, he isn't on that path, or things like that. The drinking will hit peaks and valleys (my xah pulled it together pretty well 4 years ago when our twins were born) but it always goes back to before and then some. Always. It is the way it goes.
Then we had children. He watched them a lot while I worked but if I didn't work, I had children. As a non-addiction related matter I had so much guilt from working that I never hired a babysitter. I have never in my life hired a babysitter for a social function and my oldest son is 11yo. So some of it is myself and things I need to put into perspective outside of my partners alcoholism.
However, as we grew older, and I matured, my xah did not. At some point most people outgrow the desire to rev it up at the bars or drink way to much. My xah never did - and when he did he took up friends and activites that were guy focused and exlusive to me, but I had the kids anyway.
As more time passed he bacame less social and more isolated himself. We have *never* done things together with other couples, which I have greatly missed and longed to do over the years. Once we moved passed our single drinking party friends we never moved on to normal couple activites. He had no interest, even when I'd suggest activities where drinking was permitted. He continued to have a few friends and the were all childless and most were single (or as he got older they had grown children). Then a point was reached where I didn't want to socialize with him anyway because he'd over drink, or be a bit socially 'off', or get agitated/anxious if he didn't drink enough.
We took seperate vacations. His time off was not well spent with a wife and four kids doing family things - he'd rather take golfing or hunting trips with his 'friends' and brother - and of course lots of alcohol was always involved. Last August we took our first week long family vacation together in a number of years. He drank from morning until night every day. It marked THE END, finally, after so many years.
So yeah. I was isolated. Part of this long post is to illustrate that alcoholism is progressive. You can't ever say my alcoholic will not be this way, he isn't on that path, or things like that. The drinking will hit peaks and valleys (my xah pulled it together pretty well 4 years ago when our twins were born) but it always goes back to before and then some. Always. It is the way it goes.
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