New member need encouragement
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
New member need encouragement
A year ago I left an emotionally abusive marriage, which lasted almost 15 years, by returning to college and finding a good job to support myself. I have a friend who is going through a divorce and we started seeing each other. It seemed great at first, but I quickly learned he is an alcoholic. I felt sorry for him and hoped that he would eventually quit for his children's sake. Due to a recent DUI, his visitations are limited. He went into rehab, AA, but still drinks.
He broke up with me 2 weeks ago, stating that he no longer has time for me.
I believe the real reason is that I stopped accepting his day-after-drinking apologies and have stopped chauffering him around town.
Since our breakup, he only attempts to contact me when he is drunk. I am finally getting fed up with this nonsense. He is not being a friend, but just using me when he feels lonely. I feel that all the positive strides I have made in creating a new life for myself are diminished by staying in this relationship. It is like I left one bad situation and replaced it with another one.
Any advice on how to move on who be greatly appreciated, I need help with being strong and not wanting to beg him to take me back. I often feel that I am sabotaging all the good that I have worked so hard for to return to a life of sadness that unfortunately feels comforting.
He broke up with me 2 weeks ago, stating that he no longer has time for me.
I believe the real reason is that I stopped accepting his day-after-drinking apologies and have stopped chauffering him around town.
Since our breakup, he only attempts to contact me when he is drunk. I am finally getting fed up with this nonsense. He is not being a friend, but just using me when he feels lonely. I feel that all the positive strides I have made in creating a new life for myself are diminished by staying in this relationship. It is like I left one bad situation and replaced it with another one.
Any advice on how to move on who be greatly appreciated, I need help with being strong and not wanting to beg him to take me back. I often feel that I am sabotaging all the good that I have worked so hard for to return to a life of sadness that unfortunately feels comforting.
A Pirate looks at 40
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Aye Caramba! Jumping from the frying pan into the fire!
Get away now while you can, or he is going to drag you down with him.
I am in a marriage with an Alcoholic, and I stopped enabling her, and I am pretty much cutoff from all kinds of everything as my punishment, but you know what? That is Okay. This woman does not control my happiness. You were doing well before you got involved with him, and you will again after he is gone. I know how they(the alcoholics) can be when we do not give into their sickness. Just take care of you!
Get away now while you can, or he is going to drag you down with him.
I am in a marriage with an Alcoholic, and I stopped enabling her, and I am pretty much cutoff from all kinds of everything as my punishment, but you know what? That is Okay. This woman does not control my happiness. You were doing well before you got involved with him, and you will again after he is gone. I know how they(the alcoholics) can be when we do not give into their sickness. Just take care of you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Little Rock, Arkansas
Posts: 161
Hi and welcome to SR
I too went back to school and got my degree. When I returned home after my internship, I too ran into an old friend going through a divorce. I knew that she drank, we both did in school, but I did not know she was an alcoholic.
Two years of trying to help her (I am a codependent by the way), I lost money, my home, abandoned by dreams for hers, stopped talking to family and friends, and my own respect. I came to the realization that I had allowed myself to experience all of this, because I thought what I was getting was love. After all I knew her for over 20 years.
About a month ago, I told her that I needed to step back and let her do her program herself, she was in a rehab program, and had recently relapsed.
The next day after I told her, she relapsed again and ran off with another guy. She said she had feelings for him, and I lost it emotionally.
What I found out in the process, is that I did not cause her alcoholism, that I was not going to cure it, but most of all that I could not control it.
I have grieved for a month, I started going to Al Anon meetings, I bought the book codependent no more and I am working on myself, for the first time in my life. It is a scary thing to realize that you suddenly have a problem, just as your partner has an addiction.
Today in my 6th Al Anon meeting I acknowledged to the group my deficits. I feel acceptance finally, the last stage of my grief process.
This is what I know now, she is in another relationship that is not going to work, she is not in a recovery program and I have no desire to stop her, even though I still love her. I am not responsible for her actions, nor am I responsible for anyone else's. Life for me is going to get a lot better and I am looking forward to it.
Whether she is in my life again, will be God's will.
My best advice to you, would be to count your losses, save yourself and RUN LIKE HELL! I wish someone would have sat me down, that day that I ran back into her again.
I too went back to school and got my degree. When I returned home after my internship, I too ran into an old friend going through a divorce. I knew that she drank, we both did in school, but I did not know she was an alcoholic.
Two years of trying to help her (I am a codependent by the way), I lost money, my home, abandoned by dreams for hers, stopped talking to family and friends, and my own respect. I came to the realization that I had allowed myself to experience all of this, because I thought what I was getting was love. After all I knew her for over 20 years.
About a month ago, I told her that I needed to step back and let her do her program herself, she was in a rehab program, and had recently relapsed.
The next day after I told her, she relapsed again and ran off with another guy. She said she had feelings for him, and I lost it emotionally.
What I found out in the process, is that I did not cause her alcoholism, that I was not going to cure it, but most of all that I could not control it.
I have grieved for a month, I started going to Al Anon meetings, I bought the book codependent no more and I am working on myself, for the first time in my life. It is a scary thing to realize that you suddenly have a problem, just as your partner has an addiction.
Today in my 6th Al Anon meeting I acknowledged to the group my deficits. I feel acceptance finally, the last stage of my grief process.
This is what I know now, she is in another relationship that is not going to work, she is not in a recovery program and I have no desire to stop her, even though I still love her. I am not responsible for her actions, nor am I responsible for anyone else's. Life for me is going to get a lot better and I am looking forward to it.
Whether she is in my life again, will be God's will.
My best advice to you, would be to count your losses, save yourself and RUN LIKE HELL! I wish someone would have sat me down, that day that I ran back into her again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Welcome to SR, groybin.
If you peruse the friends and family forums, you will find many of our stories have elements that ring true for you. We know all about the strong pull we can have to an addict, and how difficult it is to break free.
Out of the pan, into the fire. Yes. It is actually very common to enter into a relationship a short time after ending a marriage. Sometimes it's just the medicine we need to see something more clearly, get that wake-up call, and really put our life on track. I think this may apply to you
That's good news!
Keep coming back; there is much to learn.
If you peruse the friends and family forums, you will find many of our stories have elements that ring true for you. We know all about the strong pull we can have to an addict, and how difficult it is to break free.
Out of the pan, into the fire. Yes. It is actually very common to enter into a relationship a short time after ending a marriage. Sometimes it's just the medicine we need to see something more clearly, get that wake-up call, and really put our life on track. I think this may apply to you
That's good news!
Keep coming back; there is much to learn.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
welcome. I am in the process of a divorce from a marriage as long and arduous as yours. For me the hardest thing is being lonely. Having someone to call, to go out with, to watch TV with is something that I crave. I am not dating as I am not actually divorced - and I don't trust my taste in men. In fact the ones that I think are cute have a lot in common with my stbx, and I think it can take us a lot of time and conscious attention to become attracted to healthy after so many years in bad. Bad just feels comfortable, like you said.
Do you have children? They are a good motivator for not "adopting" a dysfunctional boyfriend.
read and post - it gets clearer and better.
Do you have children? They are a good motivator for not "adopting" a dysfunctional boyfriend.
read and post - it gets clearer and better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
Thank you all!
Thank you everyone for the wonderful feedback. I recently read Codependent no more and I can see myself in print. Growing up with alcoholics and later choosing dysfunctional relationships that mimic my childhood feels natural.
I have been working hard on making a new life, living on my own for the very first time. It is scary, lonely, and at times overwhelming to be making decisions on your own. But I ask myself, would I want my lovely grown up daughter to have a relationship like this? Doesn't she deserve better... don't I deserve better? YES!
I have been working hard on making a new life, living on my own for the very first time. It is scary, lonely, and at times overwhelming to be making decisions on your own. But I ask myself, would I want my lovely grown up daughter to have a relationship like this? Doesn't she deserve better... don't I deserve better? YES!
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Welcome, groybin! We hope that you'll stick around. There are many people on this forum who know where you've been, who have walked in your shoes, and who will not judge you and will provide you with a lot of support.
Yes, letting go of the alcoholic is one of the most difficult things to do...but it is the only thing that will help him/her in the long run, if he /she chooses to get help. You can't do it for him, and nor do you have to put up with being on the receiving end of his drunk contact. Read the stickies at the top, keep posting, and know we all are here to listen and support you!
Yes, letting go of the alcoholic is one of the most difficult things to do...but it is the only thing that will help him/her in the long run, if he /she chooses to get help. You can't do it for him, and nor do you have to put up with being on the receiving end of his drunk contact. Read the stickies at the top, keep posting, and know we all are here to listen and support you!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
