Life is to short ..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 28
Life is to short ..
Hello,
I am new here .. but have taken several days to read a lot of threads/info here .. trying to acclimate myself. (Somewhat anyways.)
I am finally ready to admit that my husband is an alcoholic. He has had the diagnosis (from a psychiatrist) of anxiety and depression .. for about 25 years of our 30 year marriage. He really "could" be an addict in many different areas if he had the access.
My husband is always looking for some kind of "magic pill" (or whatever) to help alleviate his pain. He has always drank .. but nowhere near to the extent that he does now. It appeared to me, that the drinking met the "alcoholic" stage after he was put on an awful cocktail of (new for him) antidepressant meds, sleeping meds, rls meds and then daytime sleepiness meds.
Approximately three months after he began on all of these new prescriptions is when his drinking began getting totally out of hand.
Well, that was about 5 years ago. I have had it. It is effecting absolutely every area of his (OUR!) lives. He is not working as he should, so the amount of money that he contributes is minimal. (compared to what he is capable of.) He spends large amounts of money to drink. And on and on .. I'm sure everyone here knows the drill.
I am in my early 50's. I think I have decided that the remaining years left in my life is just too short to have to deal with all of the heartache that this is causing for me day in and day out. How do people "do" this?? What would be the reason to choose to stay in this kind of relationship? (I haven't been able to answer that question for myself.)
There may be more that is "holding" me here, but I believe the biggest part of my "staying" is financial. And it's not financial .. in our day to day lives .. 'cause I believe I am the one that is holding all that together. I am sick about the fact that if I should divorce my husband .. that he get's half of the retirement I have built up in the 20 something years that I have worked. There really is no way of getting around that.
(I would basically be "starting over" to build up my financial stability for my retirement years.)
Anyway .. I posted here, as you can see .. mostly to rant. I know that many of you are going through the exact same thing .. so you know where I am coming from.
I am just not sure how I am going to make it (happily) through the remaining years of my life, continuing to live the life my husband has sentenced me to.
UpSiDeDoWn
I am new here .. but have taken several days to read a lot of threads/info here .. trying to acclimate myself. (Somewhat anyways.)
I am finally ready to admit that my husband is an alcoholic. He has had the diagnosis (from a psychiatrist) of anxiety and depression .. for about 25 years of our 30 year marriage. He really "could" be an addict in many different areas if he had the access.
My husband is always looking for some kind of "magic pill" (or whatever) to help alleviate his pain. He has always drank .. but nowhere near to the extent that he does now. It appeared to me, that the drinking met the "alcoholic" stage after he was put on an awful cocktail of (new for him) antidepressant meds, sleeping meds, rls meds and then daytime sleepiness meds.
Approximately three months after he began on all of these new prescriptions is when his drinking began getting totally out of hand. Well, that was about 5 years ago. I have had it. It is effecting absolutely every area of his (OUR!) lives. He is not working as he should, so the amount of money that he contributes is minimal. (compared to what he is capable of.) He spends large amounts of money to drink. And on and on .. I'm sure everyone here knows the drill.
I am in my early 50's. I think I have decided that the remaining years left in my life is just too short to have to deal with all of the heartache that this is causing for me day in and day out. How do people "do" this?? What would be the reason to choose to stay in this kind of relationship? (I haven't been able to answer that question for myself.)
There may be more that is "holding" me here, but I believe the biggest part of my "staying" is financial. And it's not financial .. in our day to day lives .. 'cause I believe I am the one that is holding all that together. I am sick about the fact that if I should divorce my husband .. that he get's half of the retirement I have built up in the 20 something years that I have worked. There really is no way of getting around that.
(I would basically be "starting over" to build up my financial stability for my retirement years.) Anyway .. I posted here, as you can see .. mostly to rant. I know that many of you are going through the exact same thing .. so you know where I am coming from.
I am just not sure how I am going to make it (happily) through the remaining years of my life, continuing to live the life my husband has sentenced me to.
UpSiDeDoWn
A Pirate looks at 40
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Welcome to SR!
I feel a lot of what you are feeling. I am in a very similar situation myself. You are in the right place here. You will find lots of encouragement, support, advice, and maybe even a little needed bluntness.
In my case there is an "intervention" in the works, so what happens remains to be seen as far as the relationship, but that is not stopping me from working on myself, and getting prepared for whatever. I found this forum after I decided to stop being an enabler to my AW, and instead work on getting all my ducks in a row so to speak, and protecting my son.
Anyway rant, vent, and ask questions. There is a whole wealth of knowlegable people here who have experienced everything you are going thru and more.
P.R.
I feel a lot of what you are feeling. I am in a very similar situation myself. You are in the right place here. You will find lots of encouragement, support, advice, and maybe even a little needed bluntness.
In my case there is an "intervention" in the works, so what happens remains to be seen as far as the relationship, but that is not stopping me from working on myself, and getting prepared for whatever. I found this forum after I decided to stop being an enabler to my AW, and instead work on getting all my ducks in a row so to speak, and protecting my son.
Anyway rant, vent, and ask questions. There is a whole wealth of knowlegable people here who have experienced everything you are going thru and more.
P.R.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Welcome upsidedown!
There are so many feelings to sort through! I am glad you are here. Collectively on SR we have seen everything so you are not alone.
There has been no hardship since my divorce- including considerable financial hardship - that has been worse than a single day in my lousy marriage. I just cannot put a price on my serenity, peace of mind, freedom! It is hard yes. But worth it.
One step at a time...
Peace-
b
There are so many feelings to sort through! I am glad you are here. Collectively on SR we have seen everything so you are not alone.
There has been no hardship since my divorce- including considerable financial hardship - that has been worse than a single day in my lousy marriage. I just cannot put a price on my serenity, peace of mind, freedom! It is hard yes. But worth it.
One step at a time...
Peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
You are sooooo right. Life is way too short to be miserable.
As far as the retirement goes, it may well be that 1/2 is the price you must pay to be rid of him. But, it's not a certainty. Remember, in a divorce, everything is negotiable. I managed to get out of my marriage with my pension intact. It's possible.
L
As far as the retirement goes, it may well be that 1/2 is the price you must pay to be rid of him. But, it's not a certainty. Remember, in a divorce, everything is negotiable. I managed to get out of my marriage with my pension intact. It's possible.
L
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by UpSiDeDoWn 
Well, that was about 5 years ago. I have had it. It is effecting absolutely every area of his (OUR!) lives. He is not working as he should, so the amount of money that he contributes is minimal. (compared to what he is capable of.) He spends large amounts of money to drink. And on and on .. I'm sure everyone here knows the drill.
He hadn't lost his job YET
He hadn't gotten a DUI YET
He hadn't lost the house YET
I wanted a healthier future for myself and my children. I started attending Alanon meetings, consulted a lawyer and began my recovery journey. I found support through Alanon, my community and here at SR.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, I do understand.
Perhaps you can just move out, separate, where is written that you have to divorce?
I have a dear friend who has been living apart from her husband for 10 years, I really don't know why, but, this is what they decided to do.
And, as for your retirement benefits, when I divorced, I kept mine and he kept his. We were married over 20 years. If you haven't done so, I'd get some legal advice.
Take care of you,
Dolly
Perhaps you can just move out, separate, where is written that you have to divorce?
I have a dear friend who has been living apart from her husband for 10 years, I really don't know why, but, this is what they decided to do.
And, as for your retirement benefits, when I divorced, I kept mine and he kept his. We were married over 20 years. If you haven't done so, I'd get some legal advice.
Take care of you,
Dolly
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 28
Life is too short ..
Wow .. lot's of great responses and support. Thank you! Definitely things that make sense and to think about!
I believe that I have been waiting for "just the right time" to make my move. (Or at least that is what I keep telling myself?) We have a large mortgage (for us) on our home and 40 acres. If we sold it, we would definitely not owe anything on that mortgage .. but the big question, in todays economy, is COULD we sell it? .. And if we sell it in times of stress (going through divorce) would we take what we could get .. of which could quite possibly be very close to what we owe? (What a waste!)
To live apart (before divorce and before selling our home) .. is not really in the scheme of things for me (I don't think?) because the mortgage payment needs to be made .. and I can't do that by myself. (Husband just squeaks by each month by providing ONLY that, as financial contribution to household.)
Our mortgage is in my name only (no surprise there, right?) because of husband's trashed credit. In my "perfect world",
r I'm trying to wait to get our house sold, before I make any kind of separation/divorce move. Yes .. I am trying to preserve my credit too. Maybe that's not possible? Again .. always seem to be waiting for "just the right time".
My husband is self-employed (lucky him, huh?) so .. he can't lose his job. Well .. I'm guessing his partner could quit on him and start his own business, if he wanted to. Who knows? It's the partner that has been holding the business afloat all of these past 5 or 6 years. Anyways, because of husband's self-employed status, he does not have any kind of pension. Why .. he barely pays social security. So .. I do know that he would go after my pension. I wonder .. in no fault divorce settlements, do judges ever make a call, leaning more one way (spouse) than the other, because of issues caused by a supposedly "offending" spouse? Just wondering if there might be a chance that he would "have to" get less than half? I know, I need to consult a lawyer ...
My husband has had a DUI .. in 2008, about a month before our daughter got married. Because of his rant to the policewoman who arrested him, there was a little ditty in the paper about him and the arrest. After he figured out that he WAS arrested, he verbally let go on the policewoman, because he was one-tenth of a point over what was considered "drunk". (We live in a very small town paper .. nothing else to write about, I guess?) I was so totally embarrassed and sad for our kids .. that they had to "endure" the publicizing of the already humiliating event, during what should have been a happy time for them!
Over the past three months, husband's drinking habits have gotten even worse than what they were. (I truly did not think that was possible.) I am wondering if it had anything to do with a conversation we had .. whereby I told him that he was an alcoholic. He agreed with me .. of which totally surprised me! Anyway .. since that point on .. he has been going to the bar earlier in the day.. 3:30/4:30 in the afternoon, until anywhere from 12 midnight to closing. He does that approximately every other day .. uses the day in between to "recuperate". Do you think he felt like he was given (some sort of) "permission" because we both acknowledged that he was an alcoholic?
I was going to end this post .. but thought I should mention that we do still have an adult child at home. Our son is 30 years old and will probably be with us .. for who knows how long? He has been diagnosed with Aspergers (on the autistic spectrum) and has OCD and learning disabilities that go along with that. So .. that does add extra stress on myself and husband ..
Anyway ... just a lot more of my thoughts/ramblings. I truly appreciate all of the great replies/support!
Best,
UpSiDeDoWn
I believe that I have been waiting for "just the right time" to make my move. (Or at least that is what I keep telling myself?) We have a large mortgage (for us) on our home and 40 acres. If we sold it, we would definitely not owe anything on that mortgage .. but the big question, in todays economy, is COULD we sell it? .. And if we sell it in times of stress (going through divorce) would we take what we could get .. of which could quite possibly be very close to what we owe? (What a waste!)
To live apart (before divorce and before selling our home) .. is not really in the scheme of things for me (I don't think?) because the mortgage payment needs to be made .. and I can't do that by myself. (Husband just squeaks by each month by providing ONLY that, as financial contribution to household.)
Our mortgage is in my name only (no surprise there, right?) because of husband's trashed credit. In my "perfect world",
r I'm trying to wait to get our house sold, before I make any kind of separation/divorce move. Yes .. I am trying to preserve my credit too. Maybe that's not possible? Again .. always seem to be waiting for "just the right time". My husband is self-employed (lucky him, huh?) so .. he can't lose his job. Well .. I'm guessing his partner could quit on him and start his own business, if he wanted to. Who knows? It's the partner that has been holding the business afloat all of these past 5 or 6 years. Anyways, because of husband's self-employed status, he does not have any kind of pension. Why .. he barely pays social security. So .. I do know that he would go after my pension. I wonder .. in no fault divorce settlements, do judges ever make a call, leaning more one way (spouse) than the other, because of issues caused by a supposedly "offending" spouse? Just wondering if there might be a chance that he would "have to" get less than half? I know, I need to consult a lawyer ...
My husband has had a DUI .. in 2008, about a month before our daughter got married. Because of his rant to the policewoman who arrested him, there was a little ditty in the paper about him and the arrest. After he figured out that he WAS arrested, he verbally let go on the policewoman, because he was one-tenth of a point over what was considered "drunk". (We live in a very small town paper .. nothing else to write about, I guess?) I was so totally embarrassed and sad for our kids .. that they had to "endure" the publicizing of the already humiliating event, during what should have been a happy time for them!
Over the past three months, husband's drinking habits have gotten even worse than what they were. (I truly did not think that was possible.) I am wondering if it had anything to do with a conversation we had .. whereby I told him that he was an alcoholic. He agreed with me .. of which totally surprised me! Anyway .. since that point on .. he has been going to the bar earlier in the day.. 3:30/4:30 in the afternoon, until anywhere from 12 midnight to closing. He does that approximately every other day .. uses the day in between to "recuperate". Do you think he felt like he was given (some sort of) "permission" because we both acknowledged that he was an alcoholic?
I was going to end this post .. but thought I should mention that we do still have an adult child at home. Our son is 30 years old and will probably be with us .. for who knows how long? He has been diagnosed with Aspergers (on the autistic spectrum) and has OCD and learning disabilities that go along with that. So .. that does add extra stress on myself and husband ..
Anyway ... just a lot more of my thoughts/ramblings. I truly appreciate all of the great replies/support!
Best,
UpSiDeDoWn
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Most attorneys will offer a free initial consultation. It might be worth your time to sit down with a lawyer and find out what your legal rights are in your home state. It brought me some serenity to know what my legal rights were.
Please understand that your conversation did not cause your AH to drink more. Your AH may have chosen to interpret or react to your conversation, but the power to cause, control and cure his alcoholism belongs to him.
Please understand that your conversation did not cause your AH to drink more. Your AH may have chosen to interpret or react to your conversation, but the power to cause, control and cure his alcoholism belongs to him.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Ok, when I separated from my exh, I left, he lived in the house until it sold. I paid 1/2 of the mortgage, he paid his utilities and so forth. He earned less than me, he wanted alimony, the judged ruled in my favor, he was capable of working, he kept his IRA's, 401k's and so on, I kept mine.
The point is, don't just assume anything, get some good legal advice, yes, the attorney interperts the law, and, they advise as to what could happen, however, it does not always go that way.
In any case, the decisions of your life really don't require an attorney, you make the business decisions of your life, if you really want out you will do whatever it takes to get out.
In the meantime, keep posting it will help.
The point is, don't just assume anything, get some good legal advice, yes, the attorney interperts the law, and, they advise as to what could happen, however, it does not always go that way.
In any case, the decisions of your life really don't require an attorney, you make the business decisions of your life, if you really want out you will do whatever it takes to get out.
In the meantime, keep posting it will help.
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