I am now bitter.....
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 132
I am now bitter.....
Since the breakup 3 weeks ago, I have been really trying to figure ME out! I have done some reading, spent alot of time on this site and I have went to see a therepist, who encouraged me to journal daily. My first journal entry was 6 pages long. He had me read it outloud to him. The outcome? I am very bitter about my childhood-just didnt realize it.
My father was an A to heart. He drank 2 fifths of whiskey a day until the day he died. My mother was the classic codependent. I lived with the abuse until i was 18 and moved out. She has alot of mental issues of her own and refuses to get any help for herself.
I have come to realize she is more verbally/emotionally abusive than my father ever was. She now lashes out at me for no reason, constantly degrading me (especially in front of people) and seems to hold this resentment towards me.
The problem now is I am bitter. I was around her tonight and could not even speak to her, look her in the eye. Everyone kept asking me if i was ok. It was evident in my vibe i was not happy, but they all think it has to do with the breakup with XABF. Part of it is. But the last couple of days, i have come to realize i am bitter and angry at her. I feel alcohol and abuse has formed me as a person. I think how different my life might have been if I would have grown up in a normal home or had a mother who got me into some therapy to help cope with the madness. I have tried to talk to her about this and she just lashed out at me that "she is a victim too" and that "i am selfish and self centered, only worried about how it effects me". She is impossible to talk to.
She too is the adult child of an A. Then married one, and stayed married to him for 25 years.
How do you all deal with this? Its not like the XABF, where you can walk away and NC is key. Its my mother.
I feel so dysfunctional. Its like everyone around me is so verbally/emotionally abusive.
My father was an A to heart. He drank 2 fifths of whiskey a day until the day he died. My mother was the classic codependent. I lived with the abuse until i was 18 and moved out. She has alot of mental issues of her own and refuses to get any help for herself.
I have come to realize she is more verbally/emotionally abusive than my father ever was. She now lashes out at me for no reason, constantly degrading me (especially in front of people) and seems to hold this resentment towards me.
The problem now is I am bitter. I was around her tonight and could not even speak to her, look her in the eye. Everyone kept asking me if i was ok. It was evident in my vibe i was not happy, but they all think it has to do with the breakup with XABF. Part of it is. But the last couple of days, i have come to realize i am bitter and angry at her. I feel alcohol and abuse has formed me as a person. I think how different my life might have been if I would have grown up in a normal home or had a mother who got me into some therapy to help cope with the madness. I have tried to talk to her about this and she just lashed out at me that "she is a victim too" and that "i am selfish and self centered, only worried about how it effects me". She is impossible to talk to.
She too is the adult child of an A. Then married one, and stayed married to him for 25 years.
How do you all deal with this? Its not like the XABF, where you can walk away and NC is key. Its my mother.
I feel so dysfunctional. Its like everyone around me is so verbally/emotionally abusive.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
It's tough. Have you been to al-anon? They have a great book for ACOA. Hope for Today
I think it is also good to understand your anger. For me anger comes in when I refuse to accept "something" about my current situation. If that anger isn't dealt with then it turns to bitterness.
So, when I feel angry, I ask myself, "What are you failing to accept about this situation?" Once I realize what I am fighting accpetance on, and then I take time to work on accepting it, the anger is gone.
It is very freeing.
I think it is also good to understand your anger. For me anger comes in when I refuse to accept "something" about my current situation. If that anger isn't dealt with then it turns to bitterness.
So, when I feel angry, I ask myself, "What are you failing to accept about this situation?" Once I realize what I am fighting accpetance on, and then I take time to work on accepting it, the anger is gone.
It is very freeing.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
It is hard. I'm dealing with similar feelings towards my mom. Here's my take on my problem: My mother is an adult child of an alcoholic. I believe I've learned quite a few of my co-dependent behaviors from her. My dad is not an alcoholic, but my mom left him for an alcoholic - after I was in college. I guess that with no more kids at home she needed some one else to help....
Mom is here but so distant and a little unresponsive when I try to talk to her about the problems I've been through with and after leaving my AH. So at the same time I'm trying to work through the AH c*** and my co-dependency, self-esteem, etc. issues, I'm also trying really hard to work through the resentment I feel towards her.
I agree with Daisy in that I think that in order to work through it, I need to reach some level of acceptance related to
1. how she deals with her ABF and his one daughter who is also an alcoholic,
2. with her own co-dependency issues, she is not able to offer the support I want while I try to work through my problems, and
3. she certainly didn't mean to teach me to be co-dependent, and
4. I can point her to information and groups that would be helpful for her, but I can't make her work towards her own recovery.
As I try to reach that stage, I simply have to keep reminding myself that she does love me, I love her, but I can't expect her to be any one else except who she is. (If you've read any of my other posts, you'll know I have a major problem with expectations. I've got a lot of work to do.)
Mom is here but so distant and a little unresponsive when I try to talk to her about the problems I've been through with and after leaving my AH. So at the same time I'm trying to work through the AH c*** and my co-dependency, self-esteem, etc. issues, I'm also trying really hard to work through the resentment I feel towards her.
I agree with Daisy in that I think that in order to work through it, I need to reach some level of acceptance related to
1. how she deals with her ABF and his one daughter who is also an alcoholic,
2. with her own co-dependency issues, she is not able to offer the support I want while I try to work through my problems, and
3. she certainly didn't mean to teach me to be co-dependent, and
4. I can point her to information and groups that would be helpful for her, but I can't make her work towards her own recovery.
As I try to reach that stage, I simply have to keep reminding myself that she does love me, I love her, but I can't expect her to be any one else except who she is. (If you've read any of my other posts, you'll know I have a major problem with expectations. I've got a lot of work to do.)
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