MaryGoRound

I let xabf talk after he got ballsy and contacted me.

He was telling me how much he hated himself, how he pretty much wanted to die, how he ruins everything on purpose in fear of loosing anything that's good. How he wants to go to rehab, but he has to wait until he's done with school. And how I wouldn't wait that long (7 months) for him to go. He said he didn't feel life was worth living for a world that would take his mom away from him the way she was (hit by a car...he stopped talked after he witnessed it). He's broke, feels like a monster, misses me, and doesn't believe therapy will help since it "didn't help before."

I'm okay. I didn't get hooked and I blocked that number too. And really don't feel nething...except when the conversation started coming to a close I said I know it incredibly hard, but I KNOW you can do it.

He immediately said "I have to get off the phone..." Which, happened in the past abruptly like that and I never understood why. I used to get sooooooo hurt and mad, because, naturally I took it personally.

Well he was starting to cry and didn't want me to know. He was begging me to let him "end the conversation politely" as he fought to keep his composure. He said he was embarrassed and didn't like me to see him like that. I was really shocked, it came out of no where.

So I don't that just sort of made me realize....all those other times, it really wasn't about what I had said or me at all. LOL...

It was also finally confirmed for me that he did indeed witness his mother's death and he literally shut down after that.

So it was nice to get a better understanding in a way, but also not feel wrapped up in any way. Now I feel kinda guilty for being so blindly angry all those other times when something similar happened. Its hard to explain, but I finally get what it feels like to be empathetic and understanding, but not be a complete wreck about what I can't control.

So sad, I read an article in the WSJ recently about how the sudden loss of a parent usually affects people for about 30 years. It was nice to read about the people who had experienced that themselves, went through drugs and w.e and came out the other side after finally working hard to deal with the pain.

But what some people don't realize is that we all have those tragedies to some degree, and what makes us who we are is how we face them.

It was weird after being all worried about this new relationship or whatever you want to call it, I honestly hadn't given him too much thought...and somehow i was given an opp. to feel even more at peace with it.

This is something only he can face. He's got some wings to sprout.
I feel a little silly for crusading all this time. Talking **** about him, trying to get him into trouble...airing his dirty laundry...

but man I was pisssssed. Like a little baby.