whatishappy

Dear ...

When you drink, I feel helpless, frustrated, and sad because your demeanor changes to something I don’t want to be around. When you drink, you become impatient, belligerent, intolerant, and judgmental and I find it difficult to communicate with you. I worry about going out in public with you when you drink because sometimes your behavior embarrasses me. I have made or changed plans to coincide with times when you are more likely to be sober, and I avoid doing things with you in afternoons or evenings because you are more likely to have been drinking. I haven’t gone to Sunday morning mass for a long time because it’s often the only time during the week when you are “yourself” and I truly enjoy your company. I worry that you sometimes drive “buzzed,” and you have put yourself, me, our children, and other drivers in danger. Sometimes when I knew you’d been drinking, I have lied and said you’re just tired or stressed.

I am participating in therapy now to help me stop enabling your drinking and become less co-dependent. I am expecting you to take responsibility for your own life, and I am taking responsibility for my own life too. I do not think you are a “bad” man or a failure as a husband. I do not feel sorry for you. I believe you are an alcoholic.

I hope that you will call Alcoholics Anonymous tomorrow, and commit to alcohol addiction treatment and to being sober. I hope that you will do this because you recognize you have a drinking problem and you want help. I don’t want you to do it for me because I believe that would only be a short-term pacifier and not a real solution. I’ve printed the local AA meeting time and locations and give them to you now.

I need you to know that if you choose not to do commit right now to treatment and to becoming sober, I am prepared to live without you. This does not mean that I don’t love you and care about you and your well-being, but it means that I love myself, and I am committed to taking care of myself and my daughter. If you do choose treatment, I will do my best be your friend, to listen to you, and be compassionate and patient.

With love,
....

Bernadette

Very strong and well written. It states your feelings without giving him any ammunition and without calling him names or being disrespectful.

If you mean it then I'd say send it! Be prepared to follow through on what you're saying. You're making the right decision, if he chooses to drink, to protect yourself and your daughter.

peace-
b

Learn2Live

Good work!!!

pear123

dollydo

Sounds good to me!

aboutdone

It is pretty similar to one I wrote to my RXAH after he left and was a raging alcoholic.

Don't expect much out of it though. When I gave mine to RXAH he basically filed it, and all it did at the time was solidify what he was feeling in his diseased brain, which was all I did was complain about his drinking, we were not right for each other, as he didn't think I had a problem, and again, I was trying to diagnose him, and act like I knew more than he did.

It was approximately 6 weeks after giving him the letter that he finally sought 30 day in house treatment and quit drinking.

So the obvious thing is he will either disregard it and keep drinking, or he will seek treatment. IF he seeks treatment, you will then have some emotions to deal with, as you say you don't want him to do it for you/family, yet if he doesn't your out. So...if he does seek treatment, can you be accepting of the fact that you may have forced him that way, but he may really be doing it for himself too, at the same time?

I used to struggle with that alot, as in rehab the RXAH had to stand up and tell what brought him there. He never really mentioned anything about my ultimatum yet other times he says it was the thought of losing the family that made him take that step.

These days he is almost 11 months sober, and I don't really care why he chose to get sober, I am just thankful that he did. You know? I don't mean to sound callous, of course we look at triggers and such, but the bottom line, is that particular day, I don't know what exactly was in his mind, I just know that 11 months later, its more important to me that he is sober and trying to work a program, as opposed to where we were a year ago.

whatishappy

I'm almost in tears now as I read the supportive responses from other members. Thank you so much. I feel good about this.

whatishappy

So, I gave my AH the letter + a list of AA meetings in our area + the information for my Employee Assistance Program (EAP) to help him find a local therapist. He read the letter privately a few days ago, and didn't say a word about it until our weekend guests left. He's home alone today, and I think he's making these phone calls himself. He made genuine-sounding comments over the weekend that lead me to believe he knows that he has a problem. And, he didn't drink any beer all weekend - just a glass of champagne as we celebrated his daughter's 21st birthday. All our weekend visitors commented what a lovely weekend we had together, and I think my AH made the connection.

I'm also putting my foot down about making him do other things that he can do himself (on the computer) so now he knows that I'm there for support, but I'm not going to *DO* it for him anymore.

So, here's praying for a brighter future!

iwantcontrol

that sounds hopeful. I wish you luck and I hope he has realised he needs to get help and that it will last. Take care of yourself.

Taking5

This may seem unrelated to his drinking, but it is not. Do not do anything for the A that they can do themselves. This does not mean you cannot display common courtesy such as picking up his dry cleaning if you will ALREADY be there to pick up yours, or other mundane errands. But in general, do not try to make the A's life any easier. This can be a tough line to tiptoe, perhaps some codies can elaborate on this better than I.