CareTakerWife

I'm a educated 34 years old wife, married for 9.5 years (together for 15 years) to my prescription drug addict husband. We have no children because I could never imagine bringing kids into this situation. My husband is and has always been very troubled and has struggled for most of his life with some form of substance abuse. I did drugs in my late teens but grew out it and on with my life as a medical professional. I thought my husband would do the same but then he was involved in 2 car accidents and the doctors, although never able to find anything wrong with his neck and back, wrote script after script. As time progressed a 30 day supply of vicodin would only last 1 week, and alcohol was ever present. For the past 9 years I have lived in 3 to 5 week incriments of time, never knowing when the next binge would come. The binges last anywhere from 3 to 10 days and there is nothing anyone can say or do to stop/shorten them. He blames the bindges on his pain and stress of not being the man he should be because of the pain. Throughout the years he has had 2 DUI's, although it should have been more, and we went through 1 domestic violence episode. I am now out of the house for the 8th time in 9.5 years if marriage, I have hired an attorney and started the paperwork for a divorce. Everyone who loves me tells me to leave, my Catholic parents even tell me to get a divorce...but my heart hurts. He was once my best friend, I loved and believed in him for so long...how do you leave that? He has promised to change and everytime I come back his change never lasts. This time he is seeing a drug therepist, doing acupuncture, and having chiropractic treatments. My trust in him is shot, I have given him so many chances and have been let down everytime. When is it time to let go? What if this is the time that he gets it right? I am the biggest care taker and I can't tell if I'm just being manipulated one more time. He is begging me to not divorce him, he says I'm giving up on him just when he's getting things right...do I have justification in divorce? Will God understand my reasons for divorcing my husband?

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Take a few deep breaths. You have found a wonderful source of support and information.

You don't have to have all the answers before 10 a.m., right?
Take a few deep breaths,
breathe in peacefulness
breathe out fear

We're here to support you.

suki44883

If he is serious about quitting, he will do it with or without you. He is quacking and trying to manipulate you to continue on as you have the past 9 years. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Pelican

My addicted partner promised to make changes. Promised to get sober. Promised he would be the man I needed him to be. But I stopped listening to the promises. I learned that I needed to start looking at his actions and stop listening to his words. His words were often manipulative, denial, lies, blame-shifts, empty, addiction talk.

I also realized that I wanted something more than sobriety. I wanted a relationship partner that was open, honest, forth-right and treated me with respect as an equal partner in life. There were more issues than alcoholism in my marriage.

Your title:

9 years of the same thing, what do I do?

I recommend you let the addict take care of himself.
I recommend you start looking at his actions and stop listening to his words.


I also recommend you become your own personal caretaker. This is your one precious life. How do you want to live it?

Divorce does not mean that you are prohibited from re-connecting in the future. Divorce is a way to legally protect yourself from the financial and legal fall-out of an addicted marriage partner.

justjo

quote; He was once my best friend, I loved and believed in him for so long...how do you leave that? He has promised to change and everytime I come back his change never lasts. This time he is seeing a drug therepist, doing acupuncture, and having chiropractic treatments. My trust in him is shot, I have given him so many chances and have been let down everytime. When is it time to let go? What if this is the time that he gets it right?


My sister was my best friend, I believed in her for so long, many promises and each time she returned to drink. She went into live in rehabs 14 times and each time I thought, what if she does it this time. To let go, oh so hard at times because I didnt want to see her suffer alone but I suffered so much with her.
It was only last night I was driving home from work in the dark, tears falling, remembering how bad she looked, the person she became, the sadness overwhelms me because she is now dead. The loss of her, as an alcoholic or gone, burdens me still. How could have I made things better, helped her, the sadness of her life is really what haunts me I think. The last 5 months of her life, I had distanced myself from her and Ive blamed myself for her death. What if I had been there, would she still be here?
I know deep in my heart though, that there was absolutely nothing I could have done differently, and that I would never have saved her life. Her life finally gave up on her.

I feel for you so much, but it seems you have come a fair way right now. It is hard to leave that, the years together but really, sweetie, the decision will be a life long one, addiction is a life long struggle and it really depends on whether you want to be there with him doing this battle for life or not. Im sure, I would of been there for my sister, for life, but I guess in quite a different way than I would have liked. You see, once she became an alcoholic who could not save herself, our relationship became something quite different. We still loved each other but from quite a different distance.

MeHandle

yes, God understands why you want a divorce!!!!!!!!!God disciplines those he loves. He loves your husband so this is a consequence of his actions that you suffer too.It his his discipline if you divorce, not God looking down on you for divorcing. Instead of looking at it as " Will I be okay with God if I do this" I want to let you know it is okay to ask " Does God want me to go through with divorce, does he actually want me too?"

I went through this process. I came to realize that I did all God asked me to do humanly as a wife and now He was saying " Get out of my way."

As to leaving when he is finally going to do something about it.....well , he hasn't succeeded yet. You can always remarry him if you want after he succeeds, right?

Note: It is common , my husband also did not want me to divorce him. Many others here can tell the same story. My divorce was final today. August would have been our 23rd year of marriage, I am 42. We were separated in the same house for over 1 year and 1/2.

Taking5

Something different. You cannot change him or make him stop drinking, but you can take control of your own life.

Tally

I agree with Pelican, there's no rush. If he's serious about getting clean then you don't need to live with him whilst he does that. It IS all about the actions. The words hook you back in, maybe the actions change for a couple of weeks...until you're settled again and you find things going back to normal. If he is being honest with you then these changes will carry on with or without you. Stop listening to his words, stop letting yourself be manipulated and just take your time and watch what he does.

Jadmack25

I lost my best friend, lover and husband, when the cask of wine took over, and I saw 22 wonderful years of marriage turn into 5 years of worry and insanity. I did not want to leave, and as a practicing Catholic, hated the idea... but it was either go or drive myself into insanity.

Last year he died, a shrunken, frail and tortured man free at last from the bed he had been stuck in for 4 long, pain filled years.

I realise how sad you must feel, having sacrificed having children to the bottle, and now looking at losing more of your life to this accursed addiction.
As a practicing Catholic, I agree with your parents....in leaving him and letting him do what he needs to do FOR himself and BY himself.

He is begging you to not divorce him, saying you are giving up on him just when he's getting things right...MAYBE he should have tried HARDER, when you were giving him all those chances and he blew every chance you gave him.

I see manipulation in his words, and if you give him another chance he will for sure blow it as he has before. He needs to know you are looking after you this time, and it is in his
hands what he does for himself.

((( Are you justified in looking at getting a divorce?))))

You and he made a contract when you married, and unless he vowed to deprive you of children, and to abuse drugs and binge drink and make your life a misery....He has broken the contract over and over, for the past 9 years.
I believe you were justified in divorce or annulment, years ago.

((( Will God understand my reasons for divorcing my husband? )))

God witnessed the promises you made to each other, and he has witnessed them being treated with contempt. The Father I know, and believe in and trust fully, is full of mercy, love and compassion....and I think He would sadly understand why you had to.

God bless

dollydo

Yes, he was ONCE your best friend, and I am sure you WERE his.

That has all changed, he is not the man he was, now, his best friend is drugs. They direct him, they engulf his every thought, they consume him.

I think it is time for you to take off your rose colored glasses, see him clearly for what he is--an addict.

Staying with him is not going to get him clean, it hasn't in the past, he is a manipulater, all addicts are, goes with the territory.

I agree with the others, time to let go. Get out of the HP's way.

nodaybut2day

Are you willing to lose yourself to your husband's addiction?

Time for the ultimate caretaker to learn how to care for the most important person in the world: YOU.

laurie6781

You have had some great advice so far. I cannot think of anything to add at the moment, however ...................................... I can tell you that you are most WELCOME here at SR and give you some hugs to keep you going today ..............

(((((CaretakerWife)))))


Love and hugs,

CareTakerWife

Thank you all for your advice and prayers. I wish none of us knew the pain of addiction but unfortunately that's our reality. I feel blessed to know that I have support and that I am not alone, that means the world to me. The encouragement I feel from reading all of your responses is amazing. Thanks again, you made my day!
Peace~
CareTakerWife

nodaybut2day

How are you today Caretakerwife?