Child's Disappointment
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Child's Disappointment
My daughter had her dance recital tonight 
she was wonderful! Her dad (my exAH) didn't show up....AGAIN! He missed last years too.
I already know why he didn't make it....but she doesn't know. She is upset with him and I told her that was between her and her dad and she should definately tell him how she feels. I really don't think it's my place to say "your dad didn't come because he was drunk".
I'm always torn on just how much I should say to my kids (son 14 daughter 8). I want them to form their own opinion of their dad without my input.
It just PISSES me off how they are both TOTALLY oblivious to how often their dad lets them down and still run to him with open arms when they do see him (once a month). I guess that's a little selfish of me huh??
she was wonderful! Her dad (my exAH) didn't show up....AGAIN! He missed last years too. I already know why he didn't make it....but she doesn't know. She is upset with him and I told her that was between her and her dad and she should definately tell him how she feels. I really don't think it's my place to say "your dad didn't come because he was drunk".
I'm always torn on just how much I should say to my kids (son 14 daughter 8). I want them to form their own opinion of their dad without my input.
It just PISSES me off how they are both TOTALLY oblivious to how often their dad lets them down and still run to him with open arms when they do see him (once a month). I guess that's a little selfish of me huh??
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Recitals are wonderful. I don't see how any parent could willfully miss them.
I can completely relate with your anger. I feel some days like I'm in danger of losing part of my tongue from having to bite it so often. My son's utter joy at seeing his dad (my AH) when he finally shows up seems to completely validate my AH's belief that he's doing absolutely nothing wrong by our son.
If it's any consolation (it's not really...): I know my son (who's only 5) can see what his dad does even if he may not know why, beyond my explanation that daddy's got a sickness. My son knows that if he would try to call his dad, 'He won't answer anyway.' Tuesday, when told his dad was coming to get him (AH actually called and said he was on the way), my son said 'No, he's not.'
It breaks my heart that he's learning to not expect his dad to follow through.
I can completely relate with your anger. I feel some days like I'm in danger of losing part of my tongue from having to bite it so often. My son's utter joy at seeing his dad (my AH) when he finally shows up seems to completely validate my AH's belief that he's doing absolutely nothing wrong by our son.
If it's any consolation (it's not really...): I know my son (who's only 5) can see what his dad does even if he may not know why, beyond my explanation that daddy's got a sickness. My son knows that if he would try to call his dad, 'He won't answer anyway.' Tuesday, when told his dad was coming to get him (AH actually called and said he was on the way), my son said 'No, he's not.'
It breaks my heart that he's learning to not expect his dad to follow through.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Hi Jess. I am not married or have kids but relate to an absent father figure as my parents divorced when I was 3 and he missed my life for the most part.
I am very very grateful with my mom that she NEVER badmouthed him infront of me. It should be very difficult.
When we were kids mom brought us to a child therapist, I would say it helped.
Also when we grew older we were able to realize so much other stuff and my sis and me formed our own opinions... my sister LOVED everytime dad came and seeked his love and attention desperately, it was so scarce. Meanwhile I loved and hated him at the same time for appearing out of the blue after X number of months, with gifts or a week away as if everything was OK.
All I can say is that we all handle things differently and one day your kids will realize who was there in their recitals, good times, bad times, every single step of the way, and who was not there. Granted after much therapy I am OK with how things went like, but I was very happy mom didn't say "he is not with you because he went away with another woman" that would have hurt beyond belief. I mean if we as adults have a really hard time "getting" alcoholism, now imagine a child... so my two cents is that if you can remind the kids both parents love them the best way possible, it would save them money in future therapy.
Also this post made me remember my graduation day, it was a wonderful day, quite memorable and there was a time where they asked the students to turn the other way and give an applause to their parents efforts and love. We all cried, lol. So my dad paid my studies but my mom was the actual human holding my hand all the time.. please remember if the kids are superhappy they see him it is because they miss him, not because alcoholism is ok in any way. Easier said than done but still true...
Hugs!!
I am very very grateful with my mom that she NEVER badmouthed him infront of me. It should be very difficult.
When we were kids mom brought us to a child therapist, I would say it helped.
Also when we grew older we were able to realize so much other stuff and my sis and me formed our own opinions... my sister LOVED everytime dad came and seeked his love and attention desperately, it was so scarce. Meanwhile I loved and hated him at the same time for appearing out of the blue after X number of months, with gifts or a week away as if everything was OK.
All I can say is that we all handle things differently and one day your kids will realize who was there in their recitals, good times, bad times, every single step of the way, and who was not there. Granted after much therapy I am OK with how things went like, but I was very happy mom didn't say "he is not with you because he went away with another woman" that would have hurt beyond belief. I mean if we as adults have a really hard time "getting" alcoholism, now imagine a child... so my two cents is that if you can remind the kids both parents love them the best way possible, it would save them money in future therapy.
Also this post made me remember my graduation day, it was a wonderful day, quite memorable and there was a time where they asked the students to turn the other way and give an applause to their parents efforts and love. We all cried, lol. So my dad paid my studies but my mom was the actual human holding my hand all the time.. please remember if the kids are superhappy they see him it is because they miss him, not because alcoholism is ok in any way. Easier said than done but still true...
Hugs!!
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It just PISSES me off how they are both TOTALLY oblivious to how often their dad lets them down and still run to him with open arms when they do see him (once a month).
I realize you are venting here, and no doubt frustrated. Just always try and remember, they are just kids, and their father is still their father in their eyes. So any time with him is like some special gift to them....especially since he doesn't show up. When he does show up it's like a sign to them that he loves them and cares.
They aren't oblivious. They just love their father. Your feelings about him are not theirs, and i'm glad you don't try to sway their opinions.
As they get older, and are able to process thoughts and feelings a little differently, they will have a better understanding of the situation. They will be able to hold their father accountable for his actions/ or non actions with them.
I realize you are venting here, and no doubt frustrated. Just always try and remember, they are just kids, and their father is still their father in their eyes. So any time with him is like some special gift to them....especially since he doesn't show up. When he does show up it's like a sign to them that he loves them and cares.
They aren't oblivious. They just love their father. Your feelings about him are not theirs, and i'm glad you don't try to sway their opinions.
As they get older, and are able to process thoughts and feelings a little differently, they will have a better understanding of the situation. They will be able to hold their father accountable for his actions/ or non actions with them.
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My nephew idolises his dad, as he did when he was alive and drunk and missing all the important stuff in his life.
He knows his dad missed things, and he knows his dad missed out.
He knows his dad was sick, and as he gets older he understands a bit more every week or so.
It's hard, but I have never and will never talk about his dad in a negative way with him, even though we talk about how sick he was and how he made bad choices, but I always do tell the truth in a way I hope Joe understands.
Theres no way Joe was oblivious to how many times his Daddy let him down, he knew, he just wouldn't admit it until recently. Kids are just like us, they have to go through the process too unfortunately.
He knows his dad missed things, and he knows his dad missed out.
He knows his dad was sick, and as he gets older he understands a bit more every week or so.
It's hard, but I have never and will never talk about his dad in a negative way with him, even though we talk about how sick he was and how he made bad choices, but I always do tell the truth in a way I hope Joe understands.
Theres no way Joe was oblivious to how many times his Daddy let him down, he knew, he just wouldn't admit it until recently. Kids are just like us, they have to go through the process too unfortunately.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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Jessica some times I feel the same way--but I also want my kids to have a good relationship with their Dad. It has been really hard lately because I left stbxah so in some ways my 5 year old sees me as the one who made our family change and he wants me to fix it. I can't.
TC-if I could thank you twice I would. This is also something I struggle with. Your post had a lot of insight. So thank you, thank you.
TC-if I could thank you twice I would. This is also something I struggle with. Your post had a lot of insight. So thank you, thank you.
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This post makes me cry.
My son loves his daddy so much. His dad is a flakey jerk who only shows up between crack binges. That's less and less these days. He hasn't called or had any contact in two months this time...
My son misses him and will probably run to him with arms open wide the next time he sees him. He'll smother him with kisses and tell him how much he loves him. They'll play video games and wrestle around. Then his dad will disappear again... until the next time.
I hate my ex for his selfishness. And there is a special place in hell for fathers who walk out on their kids.
I try to let it go for my son's sake. It's not always easy. I'm only human after all.
My son loves his daddy so much. His dad is a flakey jerk who only shows up between crack binges. That's less and less these days. He hasn't called or had any contact in two months this time...
My son misses him and will probably run to him with arms open wide the next time he sees him. He'll smother him with kisses and tell him how much he loves him. They'll play video games and wrestle around. Then his dad will disappear again... until the next time.
I hate my ex for his selfishness. And there is a special place in hell for fathers who walk out on their kids.
I try to let it go for my son's sake. It's not always easy. I'm only human after all.
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I agree kitty-we are only human and have feelings too. That mother (or father) tiger is pretty fierce in all of us and we don't wand to see our kids hurt. But we are the big people so we have to keep out mouths shut so our kids come out on the other side whole. Even if their Dad is the biggest ass that walks the earth. I am trying really hard to let it go. It can be REALLY hard some days. But when I can't--I tell my therapist or call a friend instead OR come here.
OR come here.
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Originally Posted by Wife2Kids 
I agree kitty-we are only human and have feelings too. That mother (or father) tiger is pretty fierce in all of us and we don't wand to see our kids hurt. But we are the big people so we have to keep out mouths shut so our kids come out on the other side whole. Even if their Dad is the biggest ass that walks the earth. I am trying really hard to let it go. It can be REALLY hard some days. But when I can't--I tell my therapist or call a friend instead OR come here.
OR come here.You know....6 months ago, I would have called him today (well the next day when I knew he was sober) and just ream him about how disappointed she way blah blah, and I'd get the "whatever Jessie" response. This time, I said "whatever Jessie" and decided to not waste my breath. He already knows what he's done and he probably feels like dirt because of it, why waste my energy telling him something he already knows. This is his demon to deal with, not mine. And my daughter will tell him how she feels in her own words when she is ready.
On another note, WHY does my exAH seem to go out of his way to please our 14 year old son (made it to his school concert, got his birthday gift, etc) but does not seem to think twice to let down our 8 year old daughter? Any thoughts on that?
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