cloud8

IN A SIMPLE STATEMENT I MISS DRINKING,,AND AFTER ALMOST 3 YEARS OF BEING SOBER AND TRYING TO LIVE THE STEPS, DOING THE NEXT RIGHT THING, HELPING WHO I CAN, AND BEING RESPONSIBLE,,PRAYING AND LISTENING. GOING TO METTINGS, READING THE BOOKS, APPLYING THE SPIRITUAL PRICAPALS MOST OF THE TIME,,I STILL MISS DRINKING..IM A DIE HARD,,I KNOW THE END RESULT IS ALWAYS BAD,,IT MAY TAKE LONGER OR NOT,,BUT WILL ALWAYS END THE SAME, AND THAT I JUST CANT TAKE..BUT THIS SEEMES NO BETTER,,SURE ITS ALOT LESS DRAMA,AND NO REAL TROUBLES,,THAT I LIKE,,BUT THERE IS NO FLARE,,NO EXCITMENT,NO WOW FACTOR. TRUTH IS IF I HAD ENOGH MONEY AND A WAY TO GET A PLACE IN THE COUNTRY WERE I COULD ISOLATE, AND NOT WORRY ABOUT HAVING TO OPPERATE IN THE REAL WORLD,,ID BE DRUNK,,IN MY POOL, WITH MY WINE COOLERS,AND MY DOG,,ALONG WITH SOME COMPANY ON THE WEEKENDS,,A TV AND A COMPUTER FOR CHATING AND IM SET..

WHATS WRONG WITH ME I CANT DO ANY OF THAT,,AND I KNOW IT YET I ENTERTAIN IT,,AS A CURE FOR MY CURRENT SITUATION,,GOD IS NOT WORKING FAST ENOGTH TO FIX WHATEVER IT IS THAT NEEDS FIXING,,LOL. STEP 2 SEEMES TO BE MY FOCUS FOR NOW, ALONG WITH STEP 3, NOT TO MENTION THE 1ST ONE, THEN ON TO #10 TO FIND THE PROBLEM # 11 TO FIND THE SOLUTION AND THEN #12 TO GET OUT OF SELF,,AM I GONNA DO THAT PROBABLY NOT,,ITS REAL HARD TO SELL SOBRIETY WHEN YOU YOURSELF ARE NOT SOLD ON IT YET,,STILL WAITING FOR THE BIG DEAL OF BEING SOBER,,OTHER THEN NOT GETTING INTO TROUBLE,,AND HAVING SOME SELF RESPECT AND INER PEACE OF MIND FROM TIME TO TIME,,BOY DO I MISS THE DRAMA..I THINK ITS TIME FOR SOME OUTSIDE HELP OTHER THEN JUST AA AND NA,,IM NOT READY FOR DRINKING YET,,STILL HAVE ALONG WAY TO GO TILL I CAN DO THAT WITHOUT THE CONCEQUESES,,OH YA THERES THE REAL PROBLEM,,YOU NEED A DESIRE TO STOP DRINKING IN ORDER TO GET THIS,,AND ALL I EVER HAD WAS A DESIRE TO GET OUT OF THE MESS I WAS IN,,AND A REAL STRONG DESIRE TO GET OFF THE PILLS,,WELL THATS BEEN DONE,,NOW IM LEFT WITH A DESIRE TO GET SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT IT IS,,OH I GOT TO GO,,JUST GOT A CALL TO DO A H AND I PANNLE AT THE TREATMENT FACILITY I WENT TO,,CAN YOU BELEIVE THAT,,ONE MORE TIME HELPING OTHERS TO GET WHAT I AM STILL TRYING TO FIGUAR OUT MY SELF,,WELL GETTING OUT OF SELF IS A START,,BACK LATER, TO READ REPLYS,,AT LEAST IM SOBER TODAY,,WHO KNOWS WHATS NEXT..

Music

Well, I have to admit you're being honest if what you said is really how you feel.

I still remember my first "wow" factor. I'd been sober about 6 months and out of the blue one day I was riding with my sponsor to a meeting and it dawned on me I hadn't thought about drinking in several weeks. I thought something's really working here. I used to not be able to go 6 days, sometimes 6 hours.

I think "wow" momments are similar to having a "spiritual awakening" in that some people expect fireworks, bells ringing, thunder, lightening and stars whirling around in their head before they admit something's happened. I find wow momments in a lot of ways simply because I look for them and choose to think of them as such. For instance, I saw a pair of Canada geese walking along the other day with their five kids and thought "wow, isn't that cool?" There was a time when I wouldn't have seen them 'cause I'd be sitting in a dark bar somewhere trying to come up with a story to tell my wife. I saw a mother deer yesterday with her fawn which couldn't have been any bigger than a midsize dog and thought the same thing. I've met so many people in and out of AA that have touched me in a way I would've missed had I been drinking. I guess it's all in the expectations. I don't expect much so when something happens I really appreciate it. My wife and I came into AA and got sober when we were married about 15 years, had 3 young kids...13, 11, and 6. Today the kids are 46, 44, and almost 40. They've given us 10 grandkids and 2 great-grandkids and we'll be married 48 years this coming December. To me those are all "wow" factors, 'cause if I'd been drinking, chances are I'd never lived long enough to be able to appreciate my family. Like I said, I guess it all boils down to what a person's looking for in a "wow" momment.

cloud8

Well still sober,,can you believe it,,here i am bitchen that god doesn't act fast enough,,and while im writen about wanting to drink and what to do,,he sends me to a treatment house were i answer questions from about 20 new comers,,and for the first time the panel didn't show up and it was just 2 of us,,we had to answer all the questions man what a trip,,and after the meeting 2 people ask for a ride to a metting outside of the place and being im signed up as a driver for the place,,i say yes and get to take them to a meeting,,.
Once again the place that was there for me saved me again, and god worked in my life to get me the help i needed, now why cant i trust that god will take care of my problems with work,and find me something else just as quick because that place is killing me..thats a tough one,,thanks for your post,,i see the wow factor for now,,ill start lookin more for the dears and the geese..lol still a bit shaky but hangin in there,,tonight i will pray pray pray,,

DayTrader

Cloud, you probably won't like this anymore than I do but here goes.

Every time I feel like you described, I was told to go call someone new in the program to see how they're doing. I have to get sheets signed so I can MAYBE get my license back in a couple years so that makes getting #'s easy. On the other hand, anytime I hear someone with less than a year talk at a table or someone who could use a friend, I just ask them for their number.

When I catch myself feeling down, I call one of those cats.....sometimes two or three. It kinda bugs me that I can "lose" a couple hours of "my time" by doing that but the results are 100% - 100% of the time I feel better myself after making those calls.

I had some really crappy news hit me several weeks ago and I went right into one of my typical selfish/scared "spins." It totally sucked......bad.....and I couldn't seem to stop it no matter what I did or how much I prayed. Out of nowhere (ha), I was asked to to an open talk on a Monday (didn't want to do it) and 2 days later I was asked to do another that Friday. When the 2nd guy asked me I just started laughing. I knew why I was being asked. HP was doing for me what I could not do for myself. Like you said......it got me out of self and I felt better. I'm sure there's no coincidence you were asked to be on that panel - just like it was on coincidence I was asked to do those talks.

And man..... I can relate to the impatience. I'm right there with ya. Like Music said, it's about expectations - and I need to realign mine. I'm still accustomed to my old thinking of expect and then get instantly. We both know that's not how this deal works.

I found a Sandy Beach open talk on XA that really moved me on this subject. Hit me up on a pm if you're interested and I'll go find out which one it is and shoot a link to you.

DayTrader

EXACT same thing happend to me here a couple days ago. LOL. WHILE I was complaining about Him not moving faster, I got the answer. I mean...... I wasn't even done typing my complaint yet!!! lol

co-sign that one! I know to do it.....but I don't DO IT- or at least not well enough and often enough. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish whether we're where we're supposed to be to learn some life lesson and/or to get a blessing or if it's just because we're missing the signs to make a move. Prayer and practice....prayer and practice.

cloud8

exzactly my problem,,am i were im supposed to be in order to learn something,,help someone,,ect,,is it gods will or mine,,step 11,,ive learned alot at this job,,good and bad,,that can be used in life ahead,,but what im realy starting to see is im so over working with old and dieing people,,sounds bad,,but when you have taken care of alstimers pts as long as i have and been around death as long as i have,,you would get it,,would rather help another live ,,then maintain them while they die,,not to mention managing people omg..thats a whole other story..lol

yeahgr8

Ive had lots of wow moments, i did have an addiction one with the gambling last week, posted that story already...

I havent had any wow moment about the booze though, i think its because i know that the steps and the spiritual awkening removed the obsession to drink under all circumstances and the spiritual fitness maintains that...my sponsor right there is a big difference between believing and knowing...

But that nice little share doesnt help you much, how nice for me lol

I still get twinges of pain, may last a minute or a few days...it happens when im not changing something usually and trying to do things my way...but ieventually recognise it for what it is, yknow like thinking what the hell is wrong with me today...then going through all the usual, HALT...nope...check list a...nope...b...nope...c...hmmm...is that what it is...yep...ok cool...contemplate, make a decision if one can be made otherwise accept...

That may sound silly but it really works for me and is becoming a natural process...its usually mostly to do with my 'disease of perception'...i think something else is going on when real life is doing something completely different!

I've got a few options coming up and im not sure what to do so as you said guess i will be praying on this, talking to sponsor, CBT counselor and taking counsel with people wiser than me...that works real well too:-)

Hope to read you doing better soon, that sounds like one hell of a giving job you got there btw!

intention

Hi Cloud,

I remember a quote said to me a long time ago "a low mood is not a time to analyze your life" and I understood what it meant. We all have moods, up and down and in the middle. I know when I used to get in a down mood I would start to think that my life was all wrong and needed changing and I wanted more, more, more (that was the alcoholic in me). My perception of what was really going on was distorted with my mood.

So I am just wondering, did you post that when you were having a bad moment or are you always feeling like this?

intention

Even if I was outside and the geese were in front of me, I never used to "see" them.

Now being sober I get to see so many beautiful things which make me say "wow".

I like your wow moments, Music

RobbyRobot

Hi Cloud, its a tough thing you're going through right now, and maybe for awhile now, i dont know, but i am thinking yes. Nothing from the outside is going to make a difference to your inside struggles, imo. That has been my experience with myself living days like you are sharing now.

Becoming sober for me almost killed me because very little of my insides were left unchanged for me to stay sober day after day. It was such a tough thing for me to pull off words really dont do it enough justice. I won't blow smoke or pull your chain, i remember when i wanted to just be drunk, even after years of sobriety. I can remember the pain and im grateful for having those past experiences to know who and what i am today.

i also remember that wanting to be drunk had a direct relationship to how my life in the big wide world was doing. Mostly how my personal life was getting on and how workable was my program of recovery at those times. In other words, my wanting to get drunk "made sense" to me because of everything else being what it was at those times. My alcoholism was not arrested at those exact dark times either, truth be told. I was as close to drinking as an alcoholic can get without actually getting wet. Dry as a bone, imo.

I also understand the thing about the drama. Yeah, the excitement of the streets called to me louder at times. At hard times they almost screamed at me to come out and play, and i will always admit that held some excitement for me. Drowning myself in alcohol was such an excellant way to die because there was very little hope of stopping the alcoholism from killing me. I'm sure alcoholics can agree how that was a comfort when drinking and not just a horrible experience. Drinking for an alcoholic is a love-hate thing.

You sound like you don't wanna die just now though, more just do the pool thing, some good-times, and knock back a few, just staying buzzed. Hmmm.

You don't of course follow through with the drinking because its the impossible alcoholic dream. Sure, what alcoholic wouldnt drink if consequences did hot happen. If responsibilities could all be managed positively, then "becoming sober" loses its attraction for many of us. Well, the sober alcoholic wouldnt drink, thats who. heh. Its a paradox thing but sobriety is not always a life of sweetness and softness and all things nice. For me anyways, those first starter years were absolute hell on me, and the rest upuntil like 10 years were better for sure, but still, fvckme, not easy times, hahaha. After that things got vastly different, but thats a whole other story. Sobriety carried me through those dark years, just as promised. Amen.

It may seem to you today that if you had enough wealth and isolation you would get wet in a heartbeat, but hold on here...

Youve been sober and drunk a few times now, so im preaching to the choir here about that, so lets let that alone. I learned from those times and my message to you Cloud is that your more sober than you give yourself credit for, okay. Don't know if youve been told anything like that before, but take a hard look at what you got going for yourself about sobriety before dissing yourself. Honesty has its virtues, but honesty in itself is not the endgame goal. Truth trumps all.

Sobriety is not the solution for our personality choices or challenges, even though many alcoholics think so. Ive been down that road, and its a deadend for me. Ive since learned that alcoholism and sobriety dont solve all my problems and wishing so wont make it so. I dont think im different about that, im just honest about it, like some others, lol. You know, if we dont like [or understand much] ourselves from the get-go, getting drunk or sober will not in the long run do a whole hell of alot in changing that [who we are] for the better. Life is more than being drunk or sober.

I think getting some outside help is the ideal choice for you. I took that path myself, and it worked wonders for me im still thinking today, so fwiw, there it is for you.

Find as much fault with your alcoholism as you friggin' can for sure. Find as much solutions and changes as you totally can in sobriety. Do it. Do it. Do it. And when something comes up short, really start to become aware of yourself deeper inside past all the alcoholism. We are not just alcoholics, okay? Were more than just that. Were people who have an illness of alcoholism. My accepting that really changed my personal life for the better.

Good journey, Cloud. Congrats on three years!progress rather than perfection, yes?

RobbyRobot

cloud8

No i dont always feel like drinking,,not over the job,,but i do pretty consistantly dislike what im doing,,althogh i do have beetre days, if i rounded it out much more would be on the what the ##### am i doing here side..lol

cloud8

Wow thanks so much for the kind and truthful words,,you actualy help me see things in a different way,,thats a wonderful thing,,keep in touch,,its nice to know im not the only one,,even when i know im not the only one..lol sometimes i just need to hear it..i beleive change is comming,,inside for sure,,outside who knows for now,,but when it all comes down to it,,i believe as long as i dont pick up no matter what,,dry drunk or spiritualy fit,,there is hope..if i do there may be instant effects good or bad,,but then all hope is lost,,i just cant go there again,,lived it too darn long..again thanks,,hp has sent some angles just like i asked,,who would of thoght they would come on the internet..lol as well as IRL. wow, wow,:

Pagekeeper

My experience is that I had to change my definition of excitement. Because what I called "exciting," or the "wow factor" was really just self-seeking.

Also, my mental obsession often involved this idea that I was going to have this exciting, wild time while under the influence. I'd meet new and exciting people, I would be the life of the party, I'd dance all night, let go of my inhibitions. These are the kinds of things that went through my mind before I picked up a drink.

The reality was, after I picked up that drink I was usually all alone in my house, checking the line in my bottle every ten minutes, writing notes to myself not to call anyone and placing them by the phone for when I blacked out. Couldn't go to a bar, too dangerous because I always blacked out. Truth is, all that fun and excitement I thought I was going to have while drinking was just a fantasy. I could not differentiate the true from the false.

So, for me, I had to get honest about my drinking and about myself. I had to acknowledge the fact that I was delusional when it came to drinking. I didn't drink because I was bored or wanted excitement or the wow factor--because those things never really happened while I was drunk.

This is the reason I drank:

I liked the effects, the sensation produced by alcohol. Had nothing to do with excitement or boredom. I just liked the feeling it gave me. I conjured up all of these fantasies to justify why I should pick up that first one, even though none of them ever came true--I couldn't differentiate the true from the false.

My suggestion is to go back to that first step.

intention

Hi Cloud,

I know you mentioned getting some help other than AA and that is an option but have you ruled out that there is nothing physically wrong? - hypothyroidism, anemia, diabetes are just a few I can think of which can affect the general mood and well-being.

cloud8

Thanks,,How soon we forget,,and yes i have been back to step one not to mention 2 and 3 and i must say as it says in the bb when all else fails work with another alcohlic will save the dsay,,i did that and it did,,good orderly direction,,it works,,,

cloud8

nope,,,Im supposed to get a stress test for my heart to see of i have problems there,,been to doc,,havent had the test,,but thatnks,,i realy try and stay away from docs,,money money money,,even with insurence its high,,i should get tested for diabeties good suggestion,,may look into it,,i have been diagnosed with hypoglycema,,bad spelling..lol taking care of myself physicaly has been a hard one,,i need to stop smoking,,eat better,,and excerzize more,,but man,,this better living and personal responsibility never ends ..lol thanks.