Deb67

Hi all, I've been lurking around the site for a few months and thought I would finally join and post. The stories have been inspiring and scary at the same time. I can relate to all the "Day 1 (again)" stories. I haven't been able to quit drinking for more than 1 day for quite some time now, and I really have no idea how I will do better than that in the future. The problem is that I'm going to be in real trouble very soon if I don't. I am out of work and receiving unemployment compensation which will end in a couple weeks. I'm in danger of losing my home and I know I need to get sober and stay that way so I can get back to work. It's a catch 22 really - I'm stressed about my financial problems, which are in part due to my drinking, and then I drink to forget about the problems which only get worse. I'm not the falling down, throwing up, shaking the next morning drunk. I basically drink a couple bottles of wine a day and take some benzos so I can sleep all day and not think about anything. I'm single and I live alone so I don't have anyone but me to be accountable to. I have no self-confidence at this point and rarely leave the house. I have stopped taking care of myself and I avoid my friends and family. I have tried AA meetings in the past (3), but I was so self-conscious that they only made me feel worse. I'm broke, so I can't go to rehab or counseling. I have read every self-help book I could find, but they just don't stick. I really don't know what to do at this point. If I lose my home, things will be a lot worse than they are now and I know I can't make it through that. I have been thinking I should just bow-out before that happens and I hate feeling like that. I guess I'm just venting here - I don't really have anyone else I can talk to. I appreciate your reading my story and wish everyone luck with their sobriety. Peace, Deb

NewBeginning010

Hi Deb, Welcome to SR . I can totally relate to your situation in many ways. You will find a lot of support here.

Stay close to your new crew & keep sharing

We shall overcome

least

Welcome to SR! Some people on this site use nothing more than this site to stay sober and accountable for their sobriety. You could also try to find some smaller AA meetings. Fewer people there might make you feel less awkward and self conscious. Is there no free-or-sliding-fee-scale counseling/mental health agency in your area? I live in a small rural city and we have a decent mental health agency which has a fee scale based on your income, which is reasonable. Some agencies in the county have free counseling, such as the alcohol/addictions agency. Look/call around. THere may be something out there you can afford.

I'm glad you joined our recovery family. :ghug3

Deb67

Thank you for the advice. I did try 3 different meetings and they were all about the same size. I have tried to get free counseling, but I have health insurance, so they won't take me. My deductible is $700, so a private counselor is out of my reach right now.

Thanks for the welcome. I'm going to keep reading to see if I can find something that sticks for me.

least

Check out the Alcoholism forum, lots of info there in the 'stickies' at the top of the page.

Alcoholism - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Anna

Hi Deb,

Welcome and I'm glad you decided to post.

It sounds like you are at a point where you know you need to take some action. You can find lots of support here to help you stop drinking, but it's always a good idea to talk to a dr because detoxing from alcohol can be dangerous. The Salvation Army offers free recovery programs to people in many cities in North America, so you might want to check that out.

Know that you can stop drinking and make recovery work for you. The first step would be to not buy any wine tomorrow and decide to make it through the day sober. Hang out here, if you need support.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Deb

I know what it's like to have financial worries that look insurmountable, but the way through them really is to work through them, not avoiding them...I'm sure you realise it's best for you to get out there and look for work - drinking only wastes your time and money.

If you really have the desire to quit - bar nothing - then nothing will stand in your way.
Unfortunately many of us find it difficult to get to that point.

If you're still a little lost and scared and need some support for the times you waver, I think a recovery programme could be beneficial - real time support and numbers to call are always a help.

AA's not the only game in town - here's a list of some of the main players

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...resources.html

D

Mark75

Hi Deb

Welcome to SR. You've come to a good recovery site. Keep coming back and posting. If there is one thing I want to say to you is .... your bottom is what you make it. When you are ready to stop digging, put the shovel away and put down the wine glass.

AA meetings could easily make a person feel worse, especially if it is not a solution based group. It's the in the program of AA where you can find a solution. There are other programs besides AA and many here have found success in them.

In any case, it's not just about not drinking. I hope you find your way.



Mark

Deb67

Thanks, I will do that.

Deb67

Thanks - everything you said makes perfect sense. I know I need support, but just haven't found it yet. Thanks for the list - I'll look into it.

Deb67

Thanks Mark - I always thought "bottom" was a physical thing. I had a few relatives die from alcoholism. I think my bottom is emotional. The shovel analogy makes a lot of sense. Thanks for that.

HumbleBee

Welcome, Deb

I can identify so much with your story. I'm single, no kids and when I was drinking, thought that that was a blessing in disguise...no responsibility or accountability for anyone but myself.

I could drink without fear of hurting anyone else and when friends/family began lecturing me, I just closed the door.

The problem was, that as time went on, I was so sick and disgusted with myself that I couldn't stand to be with me any longer.

It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling in the world. I lost my job (of course, I kept my dignity and quit before they could fire me - what a joke) and almost lost my home.

Try not to worry about losing the house so much. I know, easier said than done...but if anything drastic happens with the house, it won't happen over night.

The more clear-headed I got, the better I felt. My self-confidence came back and just an overall good feeling of knowing that I was trying to change helped me to get back on my feet.

Glad you're continuing to try. Don't stop. I had alot of false starts and stops - this last time, it just clicked...I got it (or at least, I wanted to get whatever it took to get sober).

Try different programs until something fits your liking. There's lots out there and lots here at SR. Glad you're with us.

gardner

Hi Deb. I just wanted to add my support. I wish I had some big words of wisdom or knew a solution. Your life is much more important than a job or house, so if you don't have those things, your life is still worth just as much. I am sure the thought of losing your home sounds really scary but remember, it is just a thing. It cannot bring you happiness ultimately. What can bring you happiness is finding the value in your life again. Would your insurance cover a mental health recovery type place? It definitely sounds like you are suffering from depression and it is important to get help.

Take heart in the fact that there are many here just like you. We have all been in a place that we thought we couldn't get out of--the prison of drinking. There is a way out for all of us and I am certain that you will find your path. Keep coming here and telling your story. It will help. You are already on the right path if you think of it. You are reaching out for help. Some people never get that far. You are on your way.

ElegantlyWasted

I'll second Mark for emphasis. You can pick your own bottom. I found early on that I had some screwed up thoughts (very common) such as, I'm not really like "them", my bottom isn't hard enough, this really isn't that bad. In retrospect it was all reactive thinking with my addiction in control and wanting to be fed. I found writing things down really helped me "keep it real". Ultimately we all pick our own bottoms whether we realize it or not. The most useful thing I'd initially did was thoroughly read the nida.com adobe document on addiction in general. Lots of great stickies here as well. Welcome! We all have our own path and from my experience I believe some of the best guides (I like to visualize a Sherpa as I climb Everest) are right here on SR.

mapletree

hi deb glad that you are with us. i have been using this forum for a little while and have stayed sober using it but i have other supports in place, one of which is aa, look around till you find one that suits you. it like going out to buy a pair of shoes, keep looking till you find what you want..good luck looking forward to reading more from you.

Kmber2010

Welcome to SR Deb! Glad you are with us and you will find tons of good info and experience here along with a wealth of support from a strong community.

I felt similar to you for quite some time. I was drinking and it really only affected me. I don't have kids and at that time....my marriage was failing. I just didn't care and while I knew I hated myself as a drunk and all of the negatives associated with my drinking.....I continued to drink because I couldn't find the strength to rise up and find the courage to get sober and face life. I was what I would was - a coward. I drank to numb the pain, to hide from life, to self punish. The pain was too much to bare and alcohol provided that escape I needed.

The vicious cycle went on for years to the point that I was getting divorced (ex was mentally abusive so he was not so much a loss), lost friends and family support, wasn't working, unemployment comp running out and wasn't doing my classes for school and my health was going down the toilet. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that I still drank? Heck, I kicked it up on a massive pity party.

I chose to get sober when I couldn't take it anymore. I hated what my life and I had become and loathed every drink I took but my mind kept telling me to drink.

I tossed all the booze out one day and said no more. While you may not have the physical problems.....I assure you that the alcohol is damaging your body as it already has your mind. In time....those nasty shakes usually develop and a whole basket of new ailments come your way. They happened for me overnight really.

The key is to stay strong, get support and just quit. SR has been a blessing for me and I continue to post often. I will continue to because I hope that maybe I can help someone else and also assure them that THEY are not alone.

All the best!

artsoul

Hi Deb - I'm so glad you're reaching out for support. I know that feeling of hopelessness and seeing no way out. But you know that if you don't stop, nothing will get better and will most likely get worse. So really, there is no way to go but up at this point.

If you're drinking a couple bottles of wine a day you may need help to detox. If nothing else, you can go to the ER. I'm afraid if you don't break the cycle, you'll end up there anyway. Not trying to be harsh, I'm just very concerned for you. There is no shame in getting help - you deserve to get your life back. :ghug3

MelindaFlowers

Welcome Deb!
Thank you for sharing your story. I can really relate to the "catch 22." I was in the same cycle until about a week ago. I felt awful during the day. Someone else posted on here something really great and now I am going to try to paraphrase and mangle up all the words. They said they were functioning daily, going to work, playing with their kids, but they were only operating at 50%. Believe me, they said much better. That is how I was feeling. I got up, went to work everyday, but felt bad every day. It was like a mild flu everyday. I had a "mild flu" every day and the only thing that helped was my five o'clock drink.

The last thing I want to say is this. Simply signing in to this forum, reading for hours on end, and chatting in the chatroom has been an ENORMOUS help to me to stop drinking. Try it. I find that when I start reading I lose track of time and it takes my mind of off drinking.

I look forward to hearing more from you if you want to share!!!

gardner

How are you feeling today, Deb?

Deb67

Thanks HB for sharing - I'm also at the point where I'm sick of my life and am feeling lonely. I think once I get back to work and out among people again, I'll get some of my confidence back. I got a triple whammy almost a year ago - fiance moved out, lost my job and then couldn't find a new one after lots of trying. Then the desperation and worry settled in. I had just been a social drinker before that. One night everything changed when I figured out a way to stop worrying so I could get some sleep - I drank a bottle of wine. It just got worse from there where I would start drinking mid-morning and continue all day in between naps. I thought I would just do that until I got caught up on my sleep - I hadn't slept in a long time. Of course, I didn't stop that pattern (didn't really want to). It doesn't help that I don't ever feel bad the next morning. Some mornings I bounce out of bed and feel really motivated and don't drink all day. I'm not sure why though - there doesn't have to be a trigger or anything, so I've been trying to figure out the why and how to keep that feeling. I don't feel like I need a detox at this point, but I'm sure I will if I continue. Thanks again and have a great day.