Hello again, it's been a while! Denial is tough.
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Hello again, it's been a while! Denial is tough.
Not sure if you remember me - I was posting a little around Fall of last year. I've been married to my AH for 18 years, we have a teenage son. AH has always been a drinker - but last year was a turning point. If we left him for the day, he'd be wasted at the dinner table and putting himself to bed at 6p to the wide eyes of me and my son.
All 3 of us went to counseling - and it's clear my husband is an alcoholic. The counseling was great for me and my son, we finally understood what was going on. The counseling was not so great for my husband who is convinced "that woman was the worst thing that ever happened to our marriage!"
2009 was all about great concern for him. 2010 is about me and my son!
I thought we reached a middle ground. He stayed dry during the day, drank like a fish after me and my son went to bed every night, and we'd have sex once a week in the afternoon while he was still sober. I have been more detached - I mean, who wants to hug or kiss on a man that's been snoring and breathing stench on you all night, every night?
So now, it's summertime and he's been on a pretty good bender while on an at-home vacation. He claims he's drunk all the time because he's not getting enough physical contact! My argument is, if you'd sober up, I'd come around. He doesn't understand why that doesn't mean a day without drinking = sex. Are you kidding me? That means I become codie checking every evening to see if he has a bottle in his hand, to determine what my mood is and what my evening activity is going to be? I don't think so.
Ugh. We are at a mexican stand off. Have you been in this place? What did you say or do? It is crazy to me that a huge symptom of alcoholism is denial - I mean, goodness, what do you do with that??!!!
All 3 of us went to counseling - and it's clear my husband is an alcoholic. The counseling was great for me and my son, we finally understood what was going on. The counseling was not so great for my husband who is convinced "that woman was the worst thing that ever happened to our marriage!"
2009 was all about great concern for him. 2010 is about me and my son!
I thought we reached a middle ground. He stayed dry during the day, drank like a fish after me and my son went to bed every night, and we'd have sex once a week in the afternoon while he was still sober. I have been more detached - I mean, who wants to hug or kiss on a man that's been snoring and breathing stench on you all night, every night?
So now, it's summertime and he's been on a pretty good bender while on an at-home vacation. He claims he's drunk all the time because he's not getting enough physical contact! My argument is, if you'd sober up, I'd come around. He doesn't understand why that doesn't mean a day without drinking = sex. Are you kidding me? That means I become codie checking every evening to see if he has a bottle in his hand, to determine what my mood is and what my evening activity is going to be? I don't think so.
Ugh. We are at a mexican stand off. Have you been in this place? What did you say or do? It is crazy to me that a huge symptom of alcoholism is denial - I mean, goodness, what do you do with that??!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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I don't know if this will help, but it might be worth a laugh.
I found myself in a similar situation (except mine was drinking all the time.) I had NO desire at all to be anywhere near him, so I declared, (and it was a declaration, just as if the Security Counsel of the United Nations had declared it) a moratorium on sex. I just did it one night, because I was tired of his stench and his advances, not that they happened all that often. But I, like you, was tired of worrying about it, and despised the smell, the stale cigarettes, booze and mint altoids he used to "cover it up," not to mention that he wasn't showering much. Eew.
He ended up going back to rehab a couple months later, and we separated shortly thereafter, ending the self-imposed "moratorium on sex." I laugh looking back, because I imposed sanctions as if I was dealing with some rogue nation. (We'd been married for nearly 10 years, together for 14 at that point.) Or maybe it really didn't end, as the divorce is in the works.
I don't know if that would work for you - I knew my marriage was crumbling, and it was only a matter of time before I got out. Best. Thing. Ever. I suppose a less drastic option would be to go back to your counselor.
Good Luck
I found myself in a similar situation (except mine was drinking all the time.) I had NO desire at all to be anywhere near him, so I declared, (and it was a declaration, just as if the Security Counsel of the United Nations had declared it) a moratorium on sex. I just did it one night, because I was tired of his stench and his advances, not that they happened all that often. But I, like you, was tired of worrying about it, and despised the smell, the stale cigarettes, booze and mint altoids he used to "cover it up," not to mention that he wasn't showering much. Eew.
He ended up going back to rehab a couple months later, and we separated shortly thereafter, ending the self-imposed "moratorium on sex." I laugh looking back, because I imposed sanctions as if I was dealing with some rogue nation. (We'd been married for nearly 10 years, together for 14 at that point.) Or maybe it really didn't end, as the divorce is in the works.
I don't know if that would work for you - I knew my marriage was crumbling, and it was only a matter of time before I got out. Best. Thing. Ever. I suppose a less drastic option would be to go back to your counselor.
Good Luck
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Oh, and I don't honestly remember if he ever blamed his drinking on the lack of sex. I figured that I accounted for 50%, and if I was going to be miserable, I sure as hell wasn't going to just "lie back and think of England." So I suppose by that time, I really didn't care. I knew that I didn't cause it, couldn't control it and couldn't cure it. That mantra helped me a lot.
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Yes, that was one of the many excuses my XAH came up with. Trying to convince him of anything is useless. The truth is he drinks because he is an alcoholic, and he's not ready to stop. It has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with sex, his employment status, or the weather. I'm surprised you still want to have sex with him at all.
How do you respond to that? I don't know. I would just go on about my life and let him wallow in his self-imposed suffering.
L
How do you respond to that? I don't know. I would just go on about my life and let him wallow in his self-imposed suffering.
L
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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A moratorium on sex. I love that. My husband would go freaking ballistic. I'm not worried about making him angry anymore, though. Usually it is a sign that I am on to something.
What kills me is how he is adamant about how much he needs physical contact. Not that he loves me or anything..ha! Just needs physical contact.
He even accused me of having an affair! He said, I can't imagine how you go this long without it. I think when you leave in the morning you are having an affair.
I'm trying to find another Certified Addictions Counselor since he hated the last one. But it does feel like I'm just jumping through hoops for him when I don't think there is a great revelation for him in the near future.
It sucks. I have really loved him and our family being together - but it's beginning to pop at the seams.
What kills me is how he is adamant about how much he needs physical contact. Not that he loves me or anything..ha! Just needs physical contact.
He even accused me of having an affair! He said, I can't imagine how you go this long without it. I think when you leave in the morning you are having an affair.
I'm trying to find another Certified Addictions Counselor since he hated the last one. But it does feel like I'm just jumping through hoops for him when I don't think there is a great revelation for him in the near future.
It sucks. I have really loved him and our family being together - but it's beginning to pop at the seams.
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Originally Posted by whereisthisgoin 
I'm trying to find another Certified Addictions Counselor since he hated the last one. But it does feel like I'm just jumping through hoops for him when I don't think there is a great revelation for him in the near future.
Oh, and about his "needs"--he has two hands, doesn't he?
My two cents,
L
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
The truth is he drinks because he is an alcoholic, and he's not ready to stop. It has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with sex, his employment status, or the weather. I'm surprised you still want to have sex with him at all.
As far as how could i do it - well, I suppose I was trying to meet him halfway..to see if we could live in a suspended "happy medium" place while getting our son through high school. Not having him drunk during the day or at dinnertime (and all the antics that come with that) has been a small relief.
But now he's taking at-home vacation time and the drinking is kicking up and the pity-me-I-don't-get-enough-phys-contact arguments are ridiculous. I can't be verbally muscled into being romantic. Doesn't work that way.
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Originally Posted by whereisthisgoin
It is crazy to me that a huge symptom of alcoholism is denial - I mean, goodness, what do you do with that??!!!
My home is an alcohol and drug-free zone.
It's my safe place, my refuge. It's also a place my grandchildren can come and feel loved and protected.
I no longer take a front row seat to anyone's alcoholism, including my 32 year old AD.
She grew up around the rooms of recovery from age 8 on. I went through rehab myself in '86.
She knows there's a better way to live.
She chooses not to.
I choose to love her from a distance, physically and emotionally.
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Originally Posted by whereisthisgoin
He claims he's drunk all the time because he's not getting enough physical contact! My argument is, if you'd sober up, I'd come around. He doesn't understand why that doesn't mean a day without drinking = sex. Are you kidding me?
After a few instances that amounted basically to marital rape, and him telling our friends I was frigid, I (finally) got mad. The next time he tried to push his 'rights as a husband' while blaming me for his drinking, I reminded him that there is a lot more to being a husband beyond expecting sex and that he had not lately performed any of those either.
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty
My AH pulled the same routine. My first reaction was stunned amazement, then crazily guilt over *making him drink by being cold*. I was so lost. Later, I also tried to explain that I'd be more receptive to sex with him if he wasn't drinking when ever he was actually home or at least if he didn't stumble into our bedroom reeking of alcohol; if he'd show some affection for me when not expecting sex. He never heard what I was saying; it didn't matter if he'd been drinking or not when I told him.
After a few instances that amounted basically to marital rape, and him telling our friends I was frigid, I (finally) got mad. The next time he tried to push his 'rights as a husband' while blaming me for his drinking, I reminded him that there is a lot more to being a husband beyond expecting sex and that he had not lately performed any of those either.
After a few instances that amounted basically to marital rape, and him telling our friends I was frigid, I (finally) got mad. The next time he tried to push his 'rights as a husband' while blaming me for his drinking, I reminded him that there is a lot more to being a husband beyond expecting sex and that he had not lately performed any of those either.
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We are currently still married; however I took our young son and left him 2 years ago. Up until the end of March of this year he was still drinking - as he puts it he can drink "a fifth of vodka like it's no one's business"; he had a blow up at work - walked off-site, which basically ended up with him having to get into a 28-day program if he wanted to go back to work. He hasn't drank in about 2 months now, but is still refusing to admit he's an alcoholic. My son and I are safe at my sister's but I'm currently having issues with AH's new-found interest in trying to be what he's thinking is a 'dad' to our son and I'm carrying on an debate with myself about whether or not to use 1/2 of the money I've scraped together these past 2 years (saved to buy a home / condo) for a good lawyer for divorce and custody/visitation proceedings.
There are some really rough days, but I'm finding the support I need to get through it. Until I posted here about his 'husbandly rights' I hadn't dealt with that, but actually just hung up from talking with a friend about AWAIC and will be meeting with her at lunch time to talk some more.
So thank you for your thread.
There are some really rough days, but I'm finding the support I need to get through it. Until I posted here about his 'husbandly rights' I hadn't dealt with that, but actually just hung up from talking with a friend about AWAIC and will be meeting with her at lunch time to talk some more.
So thank you for your thread.
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Originally Posted by whereisthisgoin
All 3 of us went to counseling - and it's clear my husband is an alcoholic. The counseling was great for me and my son, we finally understood what was going on. The counseling was not so great for my husband who is convinced "that woman was the worst thing that ever happened to our marriage!"
Nevermind the fact that it helped you gain some clairty.. it's always about them.
Curled up in a good book...
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I too was with XAH for 18 years. I too stopped wanting sex from someone who always reeked of stale beer and cigarettes. His drinking was my fault and yes, I too was frigid at not wanting to touch someone who showered less than once a week, had no idea what his toothbrush was for and only touched me if he wanted sex. He would molest me while I was sleeping, pawing at me and I would sometimes wake up to find him having sex with me (I've never told anyone this before...makes me feel ashamed and sqeamish).
Talking to a counsellor, finding this board and reading self help books changed me. They too 'destroyed our marriage' according to XAH. Then again, he also told me I had destroyed it since I 'got religion' (I'm an atheist!!), oh and my weight destroyed it...and my being in touch with my mother...and my inability to work full time and keep the house clean and cook him the meals he really wanted to eat...and my not wanting to go to the pub with him...and expecting him to pull his weight and be in a partnership with me...and my not being understanding about the stresses he was under and being happy with him drinking whenever and however much he pleased...and my concern over money...and...and I could go on but you get the gist. Nothing in our breakup was his fault. Drinking? The other woman? Nah, nothing to do with the breakup...I think at one point he decided that these were the symptoms of his unhappiness in our marriage.
I'm not with XAH anymore. I sleep so much better now!! The only bad smells in my house are from the occasional smelly cat - and I can live with that!!
Talking to a counsellor, finding this board and reading self help books changed me. They too 'destroyed our marriage' according to XAH. Then again, he also told me I had destroyed it since I 'got religion' (I'm an atheist!!), oh and my weight destroyed it...and my being in touch with my mother...and my inability to work full time and keep the house clean and cook him the meals he really wanted to eat...and my not wanting to go to the pub with him...and expecting him to pull his weight and be in a partnership with me...and my not being understanding about the stresses he was under and being happy with him drinking whenever and however much he pleased...and my concern over money...and...and I could go on but you get the gist. Nothing in our breakup was his fault. Drinking? The other woman? Nah, nothing to do with the breakup...I think at one point he decided that these were the symptoms of his unhappiness in our marriage.
I'm not with XAH anymore. I sleep so much better now!! The only bad smells in my house are from the occasional smelly cat - and I can live with that!!
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